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The bottom line is that you accepted this responsibility and now unless you move her to AL you are stuck.

Money is the core to this entire matter, no one wants to use the mother's money for her care, which is what the money should be used for, her care, if there is anything left fine, if not, fine too.

As for staying in her home, the problem is that elders need to be around people their own age, be able to socialize with them, yes, it is different than socializing with a younger person.

When the issue becomes all about money, no one wins including your mother.

Your sisters are not obligated to care for your mother, nor are you, no reason to give up your life for her when there are viable options.

My mother is 99 and in AL, been so for 4 years, she loves it. Your mother could live much much longer as well, do you really want to give up more years of your life being her caregiver rather than her daughter?
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JudetheArawak Jun 5, 2024
I am repelled by your comments. Are you willing to be warehoused because you have no one interested in your wellbeing

personally I do not regret a moment i dedicated to my mom as her caregiver. I miss her so much.
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It sounds like you are getting burned out. She deserves good care, not by someone who is burned out and resentful. Find the best help and pay for it with her money.

This gift of time you will receive will be your inheritance. I am 68 and I realize that you cannot get these last years of good health back. I have realized quality time is just as important as money.
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RockHardLve3 Jun 5, 2024
I disagree. Emotions are a part of the process. She is angry at her siblings for treating her so badly. I would be worried if she wasn’t upset.
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So...to my understanding - "inheritance" does not exist until the person you are inheriting FROM is no longer living (unless of course there is some kind of trust created). A person's money is for THEIR care. You can't inherit something before someone passes - they can only gift you those funds.

So your mother should use her own money to provide for her own care. That money doesn't belong to you or your sisters at this time. It belongs to her. And it needs to be used to provide for her needs alone.
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JudetheArawak Jun 5, 2024
Excellent points. Hire home health aides so your mom can age in place. It sounds like an aide can take an 8 pm-8 am shift so that you can have the life you need
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Strike a balance between your life and your mom's life. You've already given up your career as an RN to be with mom.

Your sister's threatening to call APS is a control tactic and trying to police you at the same time. I would not allow myself to be bullied by them making you stay twenty-four seven under your mom's thumb.

I had my sister do that to me and I should have gone to the courts and filed a restraining order to stop her from using public organizations to police me. I was working a full time job, going to school, doing all of the housework and still caught flack from someone trying to make me not have a life.

Get mom one of those devices to put around her neck to call for help if she falls. Why can't your boyfriend come visit you? Or even sit out on the porch for goodness sakes.

How old are you? Twelve? Just joking here. Your situation sounds so much like the control freaks I dealt with. Eventually, I had my sister placed in a beautiful group home and got the heck out of dodge. I got tired of family trying to police my every move. I was only let out of the dungeon to go to work and back home.
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On a peripheral topic because you mentioned her blasting the tv all day...

Please take your Mom for a hearing test and get her hearing aids. I told my Mom, when it became apparent that I was needing to talk loudly to her (and she often accusing me of "not telling" her stuff), that she had to get hearing aids because I wasn't going to shout stuff to her in private -- and public -- and that hearing loss is very isolating for her. Your Mom has no idea how bad her hearing is until she puts them in for the first time, so don't accept any pushback about it. Even if it's not you providing her daily care, she will benefit greatly from having corrected hearing (and it's also for her safety).

Your sisters are not obligated to help care for your Mom, a completely separate issue from inheritance. Inheritance issues ruin many a relationship and causes caregivers to possibly make unwise decisions. I agree with BarbBrooklyn that you are the PoA and only do what is in your Mom's best interests as long as it is not onerous to you, her caregiver. If it's onerous to you, then the arrangement isn't working and you will burn out.

Give up expecting any help from your sisters and use your Mom's money (and their "inheritance") to pay for her excellent care and to free you up to have your relationship with your guy, as he is really your priority if it's a serious relationship.
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You have POA.

Use Mom's money for Mom's care needs and housing.

See an Elder Law attorney to work up a caregiving contract while mom is still competent to sign one.
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Kwiemer Jun 6, 2024
Yes, do not wait.
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Usually when an estate is settled any owed caregiving costs are simply deducted and paid from the money from that estate. There really isn't any picking and choosing whose share of the potential inheritance it will be taken from.

You can however go to a lawyer who specializes in elder law and estate planning and ask if you can start being paid for your service to your mother now. Do not have her Will changed. So if your mother passes into God's mercy in her home and not a nursing home everyone's inheritance will be equal and yet fair. Fair in that you will be paid for your service to her aside from what your inheritance will be.

Why should your sisters who do nothing inherit free and clear but you should have to earn yours? No.
You should make it very plain to your sisters that you are the one who is making their potential inheritance possible because you are the one keeping your mother out of a care facility.

Please visit a lawyer and make sure that you get treated fairly.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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What comes out of inheritance is determined by how mom’s will is written and nothing else. It doesn’t matter what you’d like your sisters to do, they’ve chosen not to be involved in caregiving, and you have no alternative but to accept that decision. You didn’t “have” to move in with mom, you chose to, even if it was out of good motives and concern. If you’re finding it not sustainable, it’s time to talk with mom about a new plan, either hiring more help in home with her funds, or moving her to where more help is
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BurntCaregiver Jun 5, 2024
@Daughter

If the OP laid down the ultimatum to her siblings of either help out or I put mom in a nursing home and it will be ZERO inheritance for all of us, they will probably get very reasonable very quickly.
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You use moms assets NOW to pay for all the care she needs.
If mom is cognizant she can sign a Caregiver Contract and you can get paid (from her assets).
I hope the caregivers that come a few times a week also get paid from moms assets.
The goal here is that when mom dies all her assets have been used for her care so there is no inheritance.
If the siblings understand that moms assets are being used and they are wanting an inheritance you can add them as caregivers and they also can get paid to hep care for mom.
Your other option is
Get your life back. Convince mom that you can no longer safely care for her and that she needs Assisted Living (you do not mention dementia so I am going AL rather than MC)
Use moms assets to pay for AL. If necessary sell her house and that also can be used to pay for AL.
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JudetheArawak Jun 5, 2024
You will have to live with warehousing your mom. Are you comfortable living with that
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