Can anyone share advice on how to begin purging my parents’ stuff?

My mother was the same way. I finally got her to agree to donate things (some things were donated and some secretly tossed). It was slow in the beginning but people from that era (depression, war) can't toss things in the garbage.

Do it slowly. Many times it is not the actual value of an item but a memory associated with it. When I started the process with Mom I would schedule a visit and tell her we were going to clear out a single drawer or closet. We had a lot of fun digging thru things, it was like an archeological dig! The best was when she would look at something and say "where did that come from?"

I was very firm that we could not keep everything but at the same time I let her make the decision on what to keep and what to give away. I set up 3 boxes, one for keeps, one for donate, one for trash. I would go thru each item and show them to her and ask which box it went into. We also set aside some items to pass on to family or friends. Of course I sneaked a lot of things into the trash box when she wasn't looking! Then I would take the trash and donate boxes away with me so she could go dumpster diving.

When we moved her to Assisted Living we went thru the house room by room and she picked out what she wanted in her new place and told me what things she wanted to offer to family and neighbors.

I think what worked best was keeping her in the decision making process, listening to her stories of when and where things were acquired, and being very firm that choices had to be made. And she wanted to feel that other people would cherish the things the way she had. Like your Mom, she grew up in the Depression and any possession was valuable in her eyes.

I have seen recommendation to take photos of things to let her recall the memories even if she doesn’t keep the item.

And go thru every pocket, purse, etc looking for hidden items. Open every letter, card and envelope. I found over $300 is cash and gift cards dating back to 1985 in moms stash. This is important if you hire a firm to do the clearing.

There are professional companies that can help you with this (look for folks who do estate sales). Make sure they're bonded and insured. They will find paperwork that you need under the mounds of everything. They will get a dumpster and put in it what is not sellable or donatable. Then they will have an estate sale. You can also tell them to look for X, Y, and Z, things that you may want. We had them looking for other pictures, as MIL was a photographer, and we wanted to scan them to a digital picture frame. They also found some family jewelery that had been missing. It is worth the $$ to have someone else do this so you get your life back. When we cleaned out my MIL's house, it was 6 extra long dumpsters and an estate sale!

I wouldn’t have wanted to waste my time, spending it with “stuff” while my parent was still alive. Even when Mom was asleep, I was content to be nearby, fixing a meal for her when she woke up... Folding her laundry (for her to wear... not for me to take).

One of my siblings was badgering my mom for handouts at the end of Mom’s life.

Mom said, “isn’t she supposed to wait until I die before she starts to pick at my bones?” How shameful that my sister made her feel that way.

(At least it’s not just happening in my family.)

Certainly vultures have their place and purpose in this world — we all get to make our own personal decision whether we want to be one.

How do you want to be treated by your heirs? How do you want to be viewed (even viewed by yourself)?

If you spend all the time possible with your parent - - honorably- - at the end of their life, you will have fewer regrets.

our mom just recently went into NH so we (mainly me but brother helping some) to clean out stuff. I left my children/grandchildren come and see what they wanted to take it now. My dad also collected alot of stuff and mainly papers, clips, stuff like that. he bought many things of paper towels, kleenex, toilet paper and stored in attic.....well the mice had a hayday with that stuff so much that it looked like snow when we opened the boxes........all went into the garbage. well.........gather up items that are all related (lets say you have 14 notebooks), get ride of 13 and keep 1. I can tell you that when the time comes you will either sell the house "as is" and whomever buys it will have to take care of the junk OR you might want to make sure there are no "hidden" treasures among the stuff. If you can get rid of "plain junk" do it secretly and its less you have to deal with. Tell her that maybe selling just a "couple" items would help with buying something she really needs or help in paying the bills. Tell her that you don't want the stuff and that maybe someone else can benefit from "her generosity" I wish you luck. I was fortunate......when mom knew she was going into the NH she was fine with us giving out stuff that she knew she was never going to use/need.

Given her age and your circumstances, I think I would just sit her down and make it very strongly known that because of xxx factors, and the impact it will have on you if it is not tended to now, you have made the decision that something is going to be done at once. She will rant and rave but YOU hold the cards. You care for her and you have problems, etc. Make a plan (even consult professionals who do this work for ideas) and perhaps start by just simply removing what is obviously "trash" and put it into the garbage. That is a first step although a difficult one. After that you go and see what clothing, etc. she is not using and donate that to charity. I know she will not budge and you will have a hard time but YOU have to set the boundaries and terms and no matter how she reacts, you have to do this. Perhaps enlist the help of some other people to be present and help with this and they can also distract her. You MUST get tough.

I would be anxious too. I am getting close to your age and fear I won't be able to organize and clean. I would get a social worker involved or some 3rd party like a home health aide. Your mother should be I formed the clutter is dangerous and unhealthy. If you have someone there, you can clean out things. A hone health agency can help you.

My parents house is very similar. Dad is 89 at home with congestive heart failure. There are businesses that will purge for you. Google your area. They may give you credit for items that are valuable. Some you can sell on social nedia yardsales. Good Luck - Im right there with you!

There are many wonderful ideas here. I would just like to add a psychological perspective. As one grows older, one loses friends, family members and one’s own health by degrees. One can lose a spouse and a home. Loss and sadness is characteristic of aging as well as the fear of losing life itself. Consciously or unconsciously aging people want to hold on and sometimes it is holding on to stuff thereby holding on to memories, holding on to what gave some importance to the life they will soon lose. That being said, taking time to discuss the meaning of the pieces you want to get rid of is like a life review. I agree with the person who said to attach a small story to each piece. When was it purchased or given? By whom? How long ago? What does she remember about that time in her life? Is it a joy she is holding on to? A sadness? If you can afford it, you can get a storage space and tell her not only would you keep a record of her memory, but you would store her belongings for her just to make room. You wouldn’t have to keep it all but this life review helps the person weaning herself from her life. If you take this time to understand, you might just find yourself closer to your Mom and glad you did this slowly. As someone who worked with the severely mentally ill, I saw patients tie their belongs around their waists or loading up shopping carts with all their belongs and refusing to give up anything. I came to understand these people had a sense that they were falling apart inside and wanted to hold on. Similarly, an older person may feel his or her life is coming apart and fiercely hold on. An old pillow, the only one that fits the small of her back may be like an old friend. An old chair purchased by a spouse at a better time may awaken the loss of that spouse. You must decide what you need in terms of space and help her mourn the necessary losses in her immediate surroundings and life. Take picture of things and put them in an album for her. Good luck,

My mom was the pack rat but she had mobility issues. My parents moved to be close to me in 1986. My brother and his wife packed them up. My brother threw away her encyclopedias. She was ticked! The only way to calm her down was to buy her another set of encyclopedias. When I packed them up to move again, and downsize and move in with me in 2000, she wouldn’t throw away the vinyl boots I wore as a child. Though she didn’t walk much, she insisted that she would wear them and needed them. 😢 My dad purged some kitchen stuff. Once moved, she asked where her Club Aluminium (that my dad got rid of) cookware ware was. (Dad did all the cooking.) We were able to quell her by saying there were still more boxes to unpack (a lie) in the detached garage she was never going to walk to. All this to say it is tricky getting rid of the worthless stuff.

Check to see if there is a Caring Transitions in your area. They may be able to help. They provide help with "right-sizing" and estate liquidation. Sometimes it helps to involve a third party "expert"!

I went through this same exercise with my parents - a mother who was unwilling to part with anything - so you have my sympathy.

If money is an issue, I would highly recommend checking online to see what some things are worth. You would be insanely surprised that furniture, ceramics, toys, etc. from the 60's, 70's, and 80's are collectable items. Some solid wood Scandinavian furniture my mom had was worth $400-$500 a chair on EBay. If you don't want to spend the effort or time doing that, find someone who will come in and give you an appraisal and then sell those things in bulk. Once you know how much some of these things might be worth, your mom might be willing to part with them.

Imho, start small by discarding little things that she won't notice are missing. However, if she has a hoarding mentality, it may be extremely hard to break it.

When I got my two friends, Jim and Beth, out of their condo and into a memory care apartment, I was able to start on cleaning out the condo. That ended up taking 2 1/2 years. I had antique buyers come in first to evaluate some of their old furniture and buy what they wanted. The furniture that was not antique, I offered to some Native Americans to have for free and to give to others who may need it. They are among the poorest in our society. Then I hauled stuff to Good Will and Bridging. Their old photos and family type things I saved to send to family members, none of whom live within a thousand miles of this place. I found I could work about 3 hours at a time before I was mentally or physically tired. When I got everything cleared out and repaired a few things, had the carpets shampooed, etc., I put it on the market and the second couple who saw it, bought it. That money went to help pay for my friend's care.

They had made me their power of attorney for all their decisions due to the wife's frontal temporal dementia and the husband's memory issues. We had been friends for about 40 years and they had no children or close relatives, so I got selected to be their first power of attorney. Two others were added, but I did all the work and I don't regret being able to do this service for them. I was retired and had the time and my mind still worked o.k., so why not? I got to know them even better going through the things they had saved from their youth and early working years. Some of those saved things were on display at Beth's funeral in 2015. Jim is still in that same memory care apartment and I never once told him anything about what I was doing. He could no longer process things or make good decisions, so I did instead.

My mom survived WWII in Europe and has many of the same issues. They lost everything--so everything is precious. The idea of "getting rid of stuff" scares her but the thought of "organizing" is appealing. She happily brings me piles of paperwork to organize. I identify what will be needed, and she's OK letting me dispose of the rest. That is our current practice each time I visit. One drawer at a time.

Her kitchen has always been small but it's becoming difficult to find places to put things. This has helped her agree to do a little purging. As is the case with many families, no one really wants her old dishes or silver. But I've asked my children to accept any gifts and get rid of them as they wish so that we will have less to deal with when we're grieving.

I've had good luck tackling one space at a time. We began in the basement--the fact that the things were stashed in the basement were the first clue that they weren't that important to her. We found, among other things, my sixth-grade art project, fitted sheets without any elastic, and crumbling Christmas decorations. She insisted that these things could be donated, so we kept two bags for donation...one went to the Goodwill, the other to the trash. We need to do this many more times, but every little bit helps.

We are also noting what NOT to do to our own kids. We are purging our own belongings more frequently. We are much more careful about adding belongings to our home. We are NOT adamantly insisting that we stay in our home until things get desperate.

(I see many people mention hoarding, and I don't think this is hoarding. Hoarders keep buying stuff. The Depression/WWII era elders were never big on buying...just on saving. The result is the same--too much stuff--but the underlying issues are different.)

Can you do a little bit at a time? Would she notice if you filled a garbage bag with broken things or other accumulated "stuff" that has no usefulness and put it out with the garbage every few days? Maybe start in closets where she doesn't go. Also kitchens often have a lot more stuff than is needed. Check under the sink and on the upper shelves. Most second-hand stuff has no or little value. You need to have some rooms that work for you, as you are living there too. If you think some items may be valuable, you can keep them and have someone appraise them.

My father and step mother died within 2 months of each other in a different state than where I live. I took a small amount of items then hired an auction company to come and take care of the rest. That company took every item out of the house and sold everything in one day. It was a lot of stuff, tools, glass, pianos, etc. But that was the best thing to do and I didn't have to do anything.

Spouse's grandmother was a hoarder, including old magazines piled to the ceiling. There was a path to her recliner chair from the front door. Unfortunately, due to the clutter and her declining health, she was removed from her apartment of 50 years when she left a pot burning on the stove and the fire department had to break down the door. She was not allowed to return by the landlord. So she was discharged from the hospital to a nursing home. Too bad, but her hoarding habits directly resulted in her loss of control over her life.
Not sure what her son did with all the "stuff" but I assume it went into a big dumpster.

Sorting through thousands of items to find something "valuable" takes an infinite amount of time and research. To see if an item could be sold on EBay for $10. Who would spend time doing that?
As an experienced EBay seller, selling on EBay is time consuming and full of frustration when something doesn't arrive intact, or buyer claims "doesn't work." Packing is a pain, shipping is expensive and you have to take the item to a shipper if your postal carrier cannot pick it up. We found it was only worth the time and trouble if you are selling high dollar value items.

As for estate sales: when father in law moved from his 6 bedroom, 4+bath home (3 stories, plus basement,) we contacted multiple estate sale agents. None would take on this project since they determined nothing he owned would be worth the time and effort. Old furniture and knick knacks with damage, household dishes, linens, "artwork," etc: no one wants that stuff. Since then, when emptying out parent's house, after the family took what they could use, we hired a "remover," and stuff when into the truck for disposal.

I totally relate. 54, everyone is dead. Dad lives with me so it's easier. Mom died last yr and she didn't clean, wouldn't let anyone clean, basically hoard in antiques and dolls,crystal,dishes. Yet they used plastic cups n plastic dishes. It makes me angry. Really pissed off at the waste of money. I started with kitchen, boxed up labeled. It's all in the garage. I need a garage sale but no time. Tomorrow I have handyman come help me.

Littleorchid, AMEN!!!! THANK YOU!!! You put into words that I couldn’t do!!! It’s worth putting up with the junk to have a RELATIONSHIP with mom!!!! YES!!! If I ever through out my mothers stuff that she owned in her own house, my mother would have called the cops on me and had me arrested and never spoke to me again!!! She would have hated me if I started throwing things out and it would have ended our relationship. I believe that with every bone in my body.

well, you know that expression...that one person's trash is another person's treasure. There's also the one about worrying about tomorrow takes the joy out of today...
It's not nice, but I'm guessing that if mom goes to bed earlier and you are up later you might make some progress in small increments. Can you load a bag up, stash it in your car trunk and take it to the city for disposal? Or to a place that accepts donations?
Would the fire dept be of any help if they did an inspection?
Check out some of your stuff on ebay...it may have more value than you realize. Maybe if you post on Next Door or similar you can find someone who knows about posting things on ebay and give them a cut for selling it?
If mom is gone and you have to deal with it, you could probably have a house sale and lock rooms you want to keep people out of.
Tasks like this make me think of Anne Lamott's book, Bird by Bird....just take it one at a time, and it will eventually get done. Do not hurt your own health by trying to tackle it all at once. Take good care....

A lot depends on the kind of relationship you now have with your mother and the kind of relationship you might want to have in the future. If you are hoping to have a friendly, loving relationship in your Mom's final years (and don't kid yourself, it could be another 10 years, it could be a few weeks), leave her stuff alone. My mom is now 96 and my sisters and I first attempted to thin out all the stuff decades ago. Ultimately, we had to acknowledge that it is HER stuff.

As useless as some of it might be, she does miss it if we toss even the smallest thing. 6 years ago she bought a storage shed and my sisters (with some small help from me) went through all the stuff, sorted it into boxes as she told us the stories of the treasured items. Most of it went into the shed in neatly labeled containers, a couple of bags went to Goodwill, and 1 bag went in the trash. It thinned out the amount of stuff in her living space and she has the option to ask to have something brought into the house.

Most of her "treasures" are junk. The chief sorting sister carefully labelled those few boxes of things that had some value. When Mom dies or can no longer refuse to go into nursing care we will take the valuables. All grandchildren and great grandchildren will have a couple of weeks to come and look at the stuff to see if there is anything they want. Then we will hire someone to haul it all off. We will not care if they keep it, sell it, or dump it all. 1 other sister and I have agreed to split the cost of hauling the junk off, which keeps the other 2 from worrying about whether they will have the strength or the money to do the job when it needs to be done.

Yeah, the presence of so much stuff is sometimes annoying, but the one thing that all of us sisters agree on is that we want to have friendly, pleasant relations with Mom. We want her final years to be pleasant for her. For 2 of us (we are 4), this time is actually the best time of our lives with Mom as our childhood experience was pretty nasty at times. She can no longer dictate what happens in our lives and we will not dictate what happens in hers. She is getting more frail and we keep thinking that her time must be just about done, but she has some kind of near-immortality and keeps on going. 3 or 4 years ago we called everyone and told them to come see her for the last time. Ha! Still going, like the Eveready bunny! For now, we choose to have peace with Mom and let her keep her stuff. It is worth it for the pleasantness of our weekly visits. As a child I never experienced a loving, nurturing mother. I now have a mother with whom I can have a pleasant conversation, which is worth putting up with the junk.

I am going through this same thing right now. When mom was still alive I tried many times to help her get rid of her things, but we never got far, nothing got done. Now that she is gone I'm left trying all kind of things to get rid of her stuff. I started with Shredding stuff, then Goodwill stuff. And I am finding out that things we want to sell example: a Beautiful Dinning room table, I ask $200 probably costs mom $800 ...But people are offering $50 bucks. Even asking experts about her antiques the prices or value is 90 % different then I was thinking... you are better off waiting for mom to pass. I also checked into estate sales...NO WAY . We would of end up with $0 . Best of luck.

Boy do I hear ya.

My mom grew up during the depression as well.
She had three bedrooms so full we could barely enter them.
It has taken many years but she is slowly letting go. She has gotten to the point in her life where she understands they are just material things and bring her no joy. It is still hard for her though.
Sorry I cannot help you.

@KFinn59,

First--before I tell my own very similar tale, I say this: find a way to get your mom out of the house for a bit and tackle any area of trash you can. Getting a dumpster would be nice, but you'll have trouble with her seeing you fill it. I think just start in any corner or closet and chip away. Maybe there is so much that she won't notice?

YOU matter, too, especially since you live together! I have a mother as well who thinks literal trash is "useable." I guess she's the ultimate recycler (her parents went through The Depression, and she was an art teacher). She even has large boxes of urine specimen cups from a doctor that she planned to use for paint projects.

Oh, how I feel and share your pain! I'm 55, and while I don't live with my mom, I'm facing the very same problem. She can part with NOTHING--including all my grandparents' things she took after they died. She's 83, and I live an hour away in a different time zone. She is (temporarily?) in a nursing/rehab home after a second femur break, but she has an assisted living apartment that she moved into four years ago.

Despite the move, she insisted on keeping two homes (one was a family lake house)--filled to the gills with TONS of belongings and clutter. She kept my grandma's dentures, for example! There isn't a single piece of paper, article of clothing, object, or even a broken item my mom doesn't keep--even the cardboard box to a toilet has been saved.

She's claimed I'm NOT to touch any of it. "She" will get back to clean up. We finally convinced her to sell the lake house with a lot of its contents and trash included, but nonetheless, much still made its way back to her home and garage.

The main home still remains, and I have lots of true anxiety--like you--over how I will clean it all out and prep the house for sale someday. I have the advantage of her not being in the house, so I began years ago tackling some of it on my own. I have a husband, but I don't ask him to help much as he was always burdened with her lake chores.

I started hand-bagging as much true trash and hauling it up and out on my own and taking it to our office dumpster back at home. Yes, I cram my car full of trash on each trip. It's back-breaking work. My brother lives too far away and is too sympathetic with her to agree to start helping me sort trash from treasure. He always thinks we need her "permission!" Sorry, but that ship has sailed--we're 55 and not getting any younger. She no longer has my permission to ruin my life with her issues.

I, too, fear just as I was about to enjoy my later years, they will be consumed with taking care of her affairs, finances, and home. No one else will do it. Since she landed in the rehab place, I've spent a solid two months, hours on end, tending to her finances and trying to prep her taxes--very tough, as all her accounts are by snail mail with the papers in a huge disorganized mess, and her funds are locked in a trust she just formed a year ago...but she forgot to ask for a POA to be included (the existing POA I have is ineffective, now) in the trust. Back to the lawyer, we will go.

Even though she's still alive, I plan to get a dumpster this summer and begin the awful chore--while I still have a bit of energy, myself. After four years of living in an assisted living facility with numerous hospitalizations and time in rehab for broken bones, she's clearly not returning home. Since this last surgery, her cognition and memory slipped significantly, so I have even more reason to move forward. Yes, I have some arthritis, too, and my joints are not what they were even a few years ago, so time is of the essence--otherwise, it'll be MY kids cleaning up my own mess, her mess, and my grandparents' things. I've vowed NEVER to do this to my own kids. Ever.

Good luck and God Bless you and all others going through this situation.

There are companies set up for you to take out the things you want to keep for yourself, then they have a sale, taking their fee from the proceeds, and haul off the rest.

I appreciate everyone's decluttering tips b/c I need to be doing these things for myself!!!!

I think you should tell your mom that you live here, too. And that you would like to buy some new furniture and have a nice place to have company.

Start small, with a bathroom, and make it your own. Any clutter or mess of hers goes into a different room. Don’t ask, just do it. When you have a nice room , show it to her. Tell her how good it makes you feel. After you complete your nice room, begin the rest of the house :

Items in disrepair need to go in the garbage. Start with something clearly, obviously broken, and not decorative (a vacuum cleaner, or toaster). Tell her (don’t ask) you’re going to throw it out because it’s cluttering up her life, and yours. Then do it. Try to get rid of something every day, even if it’s an old envelope. Don’t toss sentimental letters, but do toss old utility bills, tax files, bank statements. Some may need to be shredded. Begin with items that are Easy, no decision necessary, and remember how good your one beautiful, clean, uncluttered room feels.

My husband is a hoarder, as bad as you see on TV. He can’t help himself, but I can. Think of it that way—it is up to you to give your mom a nice place to live out her last years. And you and she deserve that. YOU can create it .

Offer to create a beautiful, uncluttered room for her, too!

”One in, one out” is a rule for life. If a new magazine arrives, an old one gets pitched. Every time. If magazines aren’t being read, discontinue the subscription. Don’t ask, just notice. If she loves her National Geographics, and reads them, don’t touch them. Choose something Easy. When you are more comfortable with the process and decisions, you will know what to do with the more difficult clutter items.

As your mom’s caretaker, you are responsible for her welfare, and also your own. You both deserve a nice place to live. She can’t do it, but you can. Do it for her and for you.

Good luck, take charge a little at a time. One small space first, a bathroom or a corner, a cleared off couch, etc.

Does your mom have a good memory? If so, I would "catalog" the items. Ask her the story behind each. What does it represent? It might not mean much to her right now but its familiarity, or it could have some value, like a family heirloom. You will collect some interesting stories of a time gone by which may be more important than the actual item which you can donate or throw out later. Tape the little history to the back or underside of the item. I have two ceramic pieces that were expertly painted by my great grandmother and a soup pail that my grandmother used as a child in Italy. Had dad not left an explanations, I might not have realized their significance. The key is to do this gradually for your sake as well as hers. In the meantime, if you can't stand clutter, make sure your room is your sanctuary of empty surfaces and neatness. I have been in your position. I have donated some things to the local historical society, yard saled some items, photographed items for appraisal, donated to Salvation Army, donated books to the local library and schools, put some into a consignment shop, put some things in a swap room at the local transfer station, and thrown some things out. My parents also had a tremendous amount of paper (old statements, bills, medical transcripts, and every user manual to every appliance they ever owned). I found that harder to deal with as I decided to take the painstaking approach of going through piece by piece. I found some things of value tucked into folders that looked like junk. If there is a chance that your mom may need a nursing home stay, do keep in mind what might work in a small shared room there. I discovered that a shelf unit and a lamp that looked like nothing was absolutely perfect for mom's room in long-term care. Also, chairs with sturdy arms are helpful for people who are in decline. I placed one by the front door, one in the kitchen, and one in the bedroom. Much of today's furniture is too large to work like these. Telling her that her furniture "should go to the curb" doesn't build trust. She needs to know that you respect her stuff or she won't let go of anything. When all is said and done, it's her home and her furniture.

I have an issue with The Great Depression being used as an excuse for hoarding. I know many 80-100 year people and only one hoarder, by Dad age 92. I am in my 50's and a traumatic experience 7 years ago brought out hoarding tendencies in me too. I am working hard to nip it in the bud.

I found out last spring that one of his friends and neighbours was also a hoarder and they fed each others behaviours. Heck a year after the neighbour's death I am still trying to have one of his cars removed from our property.

Hoarding is a mental illness. I certainly had a bit more compassion for Dad when trauma triggered it in me, but I also took serious steps to get help. Therapy to deal with the trauma and hired a woman who has become a friend to sort and toss.

One thing I did with Dad a couple years ago. I went through a kitchen cabinet and tossed everything that was more than 2 years past its best before date. That took several hours. Dad sat and watched me and I had to use clear plastic garbage bags.

Since then I have without his knowledge tossed old medication, vitamins and supplements. The oldest I found had a best before date of 1998. but the penicillan was probably 60 years old. No date, hand written label in a small box.

Dad is worried about safety and I was able to take down curtains where the lining was completely shredded, when I told Dad I was worried he would trip on them. They were at the French Doors to the deck and truly were a tripping hazard.