Parents have been married 71 years and my mother has taken care of my father all these years. Now he is almost blind MD and she is tired. He can’t drive so she does that too. They are getting on each other’s nerves and don’t think the other cares. My father refused to go to the doctor when we told him he was going to give him a memory assessment. My brother and I don’t know how to help them. No financial resources just Medicare and what we give them.
Basically, they can't live with each other and yet can't live without each other. We're trying to keep them in their own home.
Life at this stage can be very sad and very depressing. I'm the older of two daughters who is trying their hardest to keep them alive.
An article I found discusses a small study done of those in long-distance relationships (sadly, no comment on the reverse) which implies it does indeed!
Sometimes spending 24/7 with a person for so many years, those little quirks that might have been a nuisance back in the day becomes a glaring issue! You would get away from it at work, social functions, etc, but once age sets in and you have to stare at that one person along with the 4 walls, eek!
Based on many of these posts, it seems that there is a lot of depression in these folks. Perhaps for some an antidepressant could have been helpful. Tried to get dad on it, but later decided an anti-anxiety med. would work better. And he does take it when needed & it helps him.
In a perfect world, people would discuss aging & what could go along with it. Maybe spend some time with older folks or with AL residents. "Although it may be a long way off, this will be you! Prepare yourself"! Oh...who am I kidding?
Although I had heard of Alzheimer's, I really knew nothing about it, until mom started showing signs... since then I have learned a lot, sometimes the hard way! It is good that your dad eventually understood more about why mom did/said what she did. At least that is somewhat a relief for him, just to know it wasn't something he did!
Not everyone has the means to save for future ills. Some people can barely get by on their income today, so they aren't exactly concerning themselves with the future. I'm not referring to those who just blow their income every pay period, there are many who need their whole income each pay week to survive.
On top of that, who could have known about the "explosion" in various dementias that we have today? Back in the day, most elders remained in their homes, some ended up in the nursing homes and some/many were taken in by family (many still do, but the circumstances with dementia vs just old age are so difficult.) Our grandparents were taken in and cared for till the end, but none had dementia.
BTW, for those who say we are living too long:
There are many examples of people living 90, 100 and beyond with full mental and physical capabilities intact and sadly there are many who are developing dementia at an all too early age (mom was over 90, some in her place are early 60s!!)
Thankfully our parents did save (dad had good job, mom worked periodically just to get out of the house and probably to support her Marshall's TJX addiction!) When I took over finances for mom, the buld of her assets were in CDs - invested them and after we finally sold the condo, put that in the trust too. Once she started in MC, monthly assets were needed from the trust, but it is well managed and so far it is like we haven't touched it!
Although I had a decent job, I raised two kids alone, so a lot went into that. I didn't start 401k until much later, and then maxed it out when I could! I (and dad, then mom who gets his) was one of the lucky ones who had a job that included a pension. Again, not everyone has that luxury. Many jobs have NO retirement plans. Will it be enough if I had to go to AL/MC? No idea. For now I scrounge and juggle funds to make payments and try to move forward and get ahead! I want to not touch any of those until I absolutely have to!
We don't fight. We don't have the energy. We do love each other, but intimacy has long since been dead, I have had to caregive for my DH so many times through so many things--and that CG is NOT reciprocated AT ALL. He plans that I will care for him until her dies and then I can hire CG for me if I need them.
Case in point: Our kids came to town last week with horrific head colds, which I caught immediately and was sick sick sick. Trying to do things with the kids, cleaning and cleaning and cleaning & tending (my daughter is the world's biggest slob) and I am beyond miserable--but I have been chugging along. He hasn't lifted a finger to help, if he's tired he goes to bed and in fact has slept 2 entire days while they've been here. Yesterday he started to feel the cold and now he is bedbound, coughing, hacking and asking for soup, juice, hot water bottles and insisting that his cold is so much worse than mine. Not only has he not a single solitary thing to help ME, he has stayed away all night watching TV as he's slept all day. We don't normally share a room, but cause of the visitors, we have to. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over a week.
My sis made the comment once, many years ago "I don't doubt that B loves you, but I think it's more that he loves what you DO for him." Probably true.
Having said all that--I have friends who are so entwined with their spouses, I almost think it's unhealthy. But I'm in a marriage where when DH goes out of town, he may call once in 2 weeks. My BF's hubby went to Florida for 4 days and has called her 5-6 times per day.
I don't see us fighting or anything. Just, DH was "tired" of me about 6 months into our marriage. Sometimes he remembers he's married, but for the most point, he treats me like an annoying little sister. Could be worse.
I made the decision to stay in this marriage many years ago and I will. I do feel I was hoodwinked, a little, he was such an ardent "wooer" but that ended pretty quickly.
He's a decent, sweet, hardworking, completely clueless guy. He's been 100% faithful to me and great dad. Romance is highly overrated anyhow. I give him all the freedom he wants to be as much of a lone wolf as he needs and he allows me to be crazy old me without too much complaint.
Now my Daddy tells me that she never loved him! WHAT!!!!
I tell him... She loved you so much just as you loved her!
I'm not a professional but I think that they miss the old days when they could get around with no problem, they could do things with no pain, they didn't have to depend on others.
My Daddy gets depressed and I just take out his pictures and we talk about the old days. I listen to his stories... again. So what, he relives them and I just listen. If he wants to go somewhere... if he is up to it we go. If he wants a treat... I really don't care about the diet thing... he's old leave him alone.
No its not easy on anyone part. Its just life.
Blessings
hgnhgn
There are programs out there, if they are hard up to fix their house, each city has it it is the department of home rehabilitation. Also there there is ssi, supplemental social security income, you can set up the arrangements with the social security dept, but they have to go in to get it started, there is also ihss in home servicies in every city which are paid by medicare, this can range from personal care to housekeeping. All of this depends on their income, which sounds like my mom situation, just get on the phone and help is available if they qualify. there is also home visits and other options by the Catholic Charities(they do not have to be Catholic) to get these services My Mother has lung cancer which has spread, but a least I have been able to put a new roof, gutters fix broken items ,and rain and mold repairs, they were even gotten new carpet.There is also transit from Catholic charities and other groups, oh and do not forget meals on wheels the deliver meals and time with the aged. really this is all true I have done it, it took over a year but do not give up...Margaret Wilber
It's surprising that even for those with memory issues, something familiar such as 'singing along to well-known tunes' or 'playing old favorite games' may 'revive one's memory' enough to enjoy life'....sounds as though 'every day melts into another' and just as 'activities are a daily necessity for anyone in a nursing home/memory care facility', so is it necessary for 'the homebound'.
home'.
I doubt very much they hate each other, but I can totally see why they are crabby. This aging thing is not for the faint of heart!
I would talk about both home care and assisted living options. Sounds like both of them need a "change of scenery". How lucky that they are able to perhaps do that together! I would try talking to them/brainstorming about it separately though, to avoid any triangular discussions, and so that each feels heard. Once you know how they each feel, separately, perhaps there can be some fruitful group discussions. They would probably both like some one-on-one time with you, to vent, anyway.
I watched my dad's parents bicker and fight my entire life, then her sister told me that they acted that way before they were married. I guess the enjoyed all the contention. Could this be the case with your parents?
Certainly you can start with your plan to separate them, which will stop the bickering and restore some peace. However sometimes that can backfire (would her negativity then be directed at you and/or your family members?) If dad will need long term care, better to let her remain home and find arrangements for him. Any move (such as to your home or brother's) can be explained with a need to have a break from mom!
As for getting dad assessed - NEVER tell them what the appointment is really for. Disguise it as a checkup. Almost guaranteed that most are going to refuse! DO get this done! If he has started down the dementia path, definitely keep them apart for now, but start the process of preparing POA, medical directives (if not done yet and still possible), seeking financial aid (be sure to see Elder Care Attorney to protect any existing assets, such as the home), looking for a place for him (unless one of you feels you can take on the task.) I can relate to having the other underfoot all the time, which happens after the kids move on and becomes increasingly the case when ability to get out and about diminishes - even though we were young then, when the ex lost his job and I was working off-shift, he most certainly got in the way! I would tell him to go get another job!!!
Mom was frantic. I calmed her down by pointing out to her that the police are going to pick him up....little old man driving a power chair? Yeah.
but, it turned out that when he got out to the Main Street he just sat there. He couldn’t remember which way to turn. Management people thought it was odd him just sitting there....they brought him home,
I think it is is safe to say that my parents grew to truly dislike each other.
Your story is "funny", but it's not..
My husband and I are sick of each other, too. We never had a good relationship,and now I am handicapped and he has dementia. We had to get him evaluated for driving, and his license was taking away because he wasn't capable of having any idea of where he was. Not good. Just like your husband taking off in his electric wheelchair. If my husband had an electric wheelchair, he would take off too; I just know it.
Hang in there. I'm sure it's awful knowing your parents are practically feuding with each other; I know my son was really upset that my husband and I didn't ever get along. He's only been talking to me about it lately, and I'm sorry he had to deal with it. Fortunately, he survived our parenting and is a good guy.
My heart goes out to you. Family should be a safe haven filled with a reasonable amount of happiness and good sense, but it surely doesn't always work out that way.
Do hang in there and give yourself breaks from that toxic relationship!
My parents moved up by me about five years ago. They were married 65 years and I didn't realize the show they put up for us when we were around and it was completely different when they were alone.
Mom wanted to retire from cooking, cleaning, and laundry; being a housewife. Dad was blind and needed help with food and cooking. Bad combo. My Dad walked out the front door after my mom was in a rage and throwing pots and pans about the apartment kitchen after being asked by Dad to kindly make him something to eat; he never went back!
Blind man, walking around a new town and not knowing it at all. Interesting....found out that he had taken a taxi to a local hotel and had no intention of going back to live with my Mom.
It's a very, very long story and my wife wants me to write a book about my experience with the parentals. In the end, my Dad ended up moving down by my sister. He unfortunately fell and and hit is head which caused a hematoma complicated by Cumadin blood thinner and he passed.
It's my belief that we are just living too long. We are prolonging life with medications and therapies and I don't think the human mind can keep up.
I completely understand the situation that you and your parents are in. I don't have a solution other than to possibly separate them with different activities so they aren't around each other 24/7.
There is something so precious about very old couples. . I hope they also find some times to laugh together. When my dad died my mom remarked that she had known him 75 years. So many things only he would know or remember. He called her the girl of his dreams. But my mom was so tired of being his caregiver at one point that she looked at a hospital procedure as a welcomed get away. I didn’t live near them and was surprised at how worn out she was.
Here are a couple of links that might help you and brother find services for your family.
The Area Agency on Aging for Birmingham can help assess your parents for the level of care they need. Give them a call and see what services they can help you with.
https://www.uwaaa.org/
Here is a link that discusses the Medicaid Waiver Programs available in Alabama that can help with getting help in the home or an ALF.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.payingforseniorcare.com/medicaid-waivers/al-elderly-and-disabled.html%3ftmpl=amp
As I understand it, NHs aren’t available through Medicaid for custodial care. Medicaid requires two thresholds to be met. Financial and medical.
Also know that if dad has sufficient medical need to require 24/7 care that mom, as a community spouse wouid not be left impoverished.
It’s sometimes hard for us to imagine our very elderly parents anywhere but with each other. But do consider that at this time their needs might be better met independent of one another.
Another thing you can do proactively is familiarize yourself with Activities of Daily Living (ADLs). Sometimes just seeing where they are either helps you know things aren’t so bad or that they really need more help now. Remember that even a little help can make a
big difference.
I’ve been thinking about you and your parents all morning.
Come back and let us know how things are going. You’ll find a lot of support here.
"They don't tell you when you take those Vows that when he gets old, you get old too and you don't feel like putting up with his sh*t any longer."
We are living too long. As my daughter puts it "past our expiration date".
People are not meant to live together 24/7. Spouses work, children go to school. What do two 90 yr olds do when their minds and bodies can't do anymore. How do they get away from each other.
My advice would be to have the assessment done under the guise that the doc is checking to make sure his meds aren’t affecting his mental capability. This was the only way we were able to get my mom to go. Now she will be seen by a geriatric neurologist next month.....as adviced by her PC.
Hope this helps, but ultimately I think looking into long term care would be the best thing for all concerned. We are still working on that with my parents. Good luck to you.
Can you get them separated, even for a short time? One person to take care of Dad and another to take Mom out for a few hours? No big extravaganza. Maybe breakfast at Bob Evans. I know I sure would appreciate that.