Hi..Could use some help. My mom is 83, blind and is not in too good shape. I am her only child and her caregiver for many years. We have a very close relationship. Last week she told me my boyfriend when giving her a hug goodbye shoved his tongue in her ear when I was in the other room getting ready for us to go to the movies. A sitter was right by their side and said he hugged her and gave a kiss on the side of her face but no tongue in the ear. Naturally I told my mom that I while I think she perceived this, I do not think it happened and reminded her that she said last year that her gay hairdresser did it and many years prior a lady neighbor. This is really a weird situation. It has been a huge strain on my relationship with my mom and boyfriend. She says blind people are victimized and she was very angry at my not believing her for days and days..lots of crying and fighting. My boyfriend has been very supportive but naturally I have kept him away. My mom says she would be afraid to be around him again and would have to hide in her room. My mom is quite sharp mentally. But does take ativan a few times a week and hydocodone cough syrup a few times a week as well. Any thoughts greatly appreciated. I am worn out physically and emotionally.
About the excessive heat --- Instead of heating the whole house and cooling one room for yourselves, why don't you keep the whole house at a normal temperature and heat one room for her? Give her a space heater, warm slippers and a warm bathrobe or housecoat, wool slacks and sweaters, etc. That's not being mean --- it meets her needs while also meeting yours. She would have no grounds to complain.
So thanks to a lot of support and understanding from the group I was able to move forward...
It's not easy...lol...mom has had a lot of health issues---taking much of my time from boyfriend...... and the place is hotter than even before....
we got a portable ac for our bedroom but boyfriend cannot tolerate the rest of house....oye...
naturally keeping him away from mom as much as possible.....never having him touch her or be in any near contact.....which is hard as the townhome is narrow...but don't want any other incidents...
but hoping we can work this out as well......it's been a long hard road...
coping with my mom's many issues is really difficult....but want to give my own life a try....time will tell how it will all work...but I had to try...thanks for all the support and I will be in touch --cause as you all know the caregiver path is a real struggle!!
Love can be shared in so many ways, people animals service to name a few.
Juddha you still feel the obligation of a daughter to care for an elderly parent but are no longer prepared to sacrifice your inner self and lay it out to be destroyed. you have grown so much. It may take a village to raise a child but it also takes a lifetime to learn some lessons.
RW you are only just starting on your journey and still have so many choices to make. You are often distracted and continue to make poor choices. it is very hard because your "master" Mom still has such a tight hold on you. Let the Lord do his work and stop trying to nudge him in the "right" direction. Spend a lot of quiet time right away from distractions in a peaceful place. I used to walk a lot or sit in a church and let the peace find me. I also visited several convents and spent time with the nuns and sat in their chaples and joined their services. can you find somewhere quiet like a library where you can take your work if that is possible. you will get far more done away from the distractionss of home. Turn off your phone but call Mom at predetermined intervals to check on her but stick to your schedule. Don't let her cry wolf more than once.
this is just been so hard...because she does not see how it is all wearing me out...
but I agree about the lessons within....I know all of life has a purpose..to make us grow and get stronger....but sometimes you just want a break lol!!
night
my mom is older than most of my friends moms by ten years and I am also an only child...so there is no one who really gets it...and others are more well to do and can afford more help or other living arrangements..
I guess learning how to step back and not let it affect my health and well being is the biggest lesson and not feeling guilty when you feel yourself wondering how much longer can this go on....seriously sometimes I feel I will go first....lol...
I do love my mom very much...but since this incident I am finding it hard to express as I am angry.....and even more so since my boyfriends blood pressure probems.... and I cannot share things with her as I see how things were used against my relationship...so yes counseling does help!!
The moment I realized I can't allow that relationship to continue as it had anymore, I lost my mother. No more trust on either side. My mother hasn't given me one second of love since. Oh well, that's the price to pay for your freedom. You can't allow a crazy person to keep you in emotional bondage and ruin your life! Can you? Perhaps there will be a healing or reunion, or perhaps not. But YOU will do so much better because you do have the responsibility to love thy self.
Your love for mother will survive in some form. Your mother will progress in her fashion, based on her own willpower for herself.
My mother has transfered her dependencies to other people: strangers even, to control and get her way. It's the Angel-Demon pattern, every day. I am the demon, everyone who does what she wants is an angel. I am quite sick of her company, to tell ya the truth!
You don't know what will be in store for you if you set boundaries and refuse to take any more emotional abuse, but I agree with the advice on this thread for you.
Find a counselor you can trust and grow into the person you already are but with additional inner resources. From my own experience, I am freer, happier, and more productive for myself. I am here when my mother needs me. She can do her mama trauma thing and I don't care anymore. That's HER stuff. I don't own it. I don't feel guilty. I only grieve for the little bond that we used to have, but looking back: it was all about her all along, most of the time.
We all pray for your strength to move forward into your own life, whatever that will look like. Believe me, I struggle with the residual question: who am I without her?
If you have a spiritual path, use it and you'll see how futile it is to fully trust anyone like that, especially a mentally ill person. I totally trust my creator above all. The love I have will be expressed, even in spite of my anger. Trust the process and be glad that this test has come to you to grow in spiritual stature. Not easy!
my boyfriend has been on methadone for years and has never had an anxiety attack before...even after his family member's deaths....it is his blood pressure which had been doing better and he got off the bp pills for months...but it shot up with the stress...the doctor tried him on his former bp meds but they are not working the same...hopefully the new pills will work better..am praying..
I am trying to keep balance...at home..my mom has lots of issues that I am trying to deal with...and not let her bother me...while taking the steps I need to free up more of my time etc.
not an easy dance...but working on it..
She's been playing you for decades, and you're letting her. You'll continue to let her until one or the other of you dies because you refuse to see just how much your mother has manipulated you and kept you her prisoner.
As for BF and his anxiety attacks, guess what? Methadone can cause anxiety attacks! Are you saying he's taking a "low dose" of methadone to prevent him from a recurrence of abusing pain medication? If it's such a low dose, it wouldn't block the effect of pain pills. Be that as it may, I'm done. Let mama rule the roost. Continue living in fear that you'll get sick someday. As a wise man once said, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
my boyfriend taught me not to live in fear.....not think that I will get sick again..and I am learning to do that....although the stress of my mom and now worrying about him and his new anxiety attacks is a bit much..
but I am trying to see things more clearly and hopefully try not to get myself too upset --I am trying to focus on my goals and getting my fitness and health on track needs to be my top priority.
My boyfriend has a great career as a finance manager in the car industry and has been promoted three times in three years.....so this is a blow as he was never fired before.
And honestly I doubt he would have been if we had not been going through all the stress of the past month.
He has been hired when he moved very quickly...within a day each time in the past...so I think he has high expectations but I know it doesn't always happen that way..
I know what you mean about both of us coming from shaky places...yes.....I had a rough time financially and am just getting out of it...and I know the past has not been "normal"...but..lol
And he had the death of his daughter, sister and mom in a short time.....and with all that was not able to save....after his divorce set him back financially
hence I feel that he is choosing to remain on the methadone pills on a small dosage as he feels he never ever wants to risk what he went through after his multiple surgeries...his physician is supporting this as he has no side effects
in time I know he wants to get off them as he was a pilot and wants to fly again for the fun of it..
Believe me I know when you read about my life you are shaking your heads..but it is all true...lol...naturally condensing decades does make it seem a bit more of an overload...
I am trying to get mom more in order....and using a caregiver more...she has lots of health issues that are odd ..but I am trying to cope as best I can..
while getting counseling etc etc..
with my boyfriend..I want to love and support him through this.....oddly his standing by me with my mom situation made me realize how much he was there for me... most men would have walked ...
but he put me first and made sure I was okay and got my head back on straight...lol
I know it is maybe overly faithful but I really have to believe that all of this is happening for a reason............and that hopefully we can be put on a better stronger path...
hugs
If mom insists she was assaulted, then she should call the police. Good luck with that, since so much time has passed and since the only potential witness was right there and saw nothing. Dollars to doughnuts mom understands this and that's why she didn't insist on filing a police report right away. She wanted the drama and attention of a visit to a lawyer, and she backed off when she realized how ridiculous her story was.
I don't understand why RW would write a letter to the lawyer, dredging up many irrelevant details, including the boyfriend's drug problem? Incidentally, why is the boyfriend still on methadone after being injured fourteen years ago? Why is he expecting to be on it indefinitely? He doesn't need it "to balance out his endorphins." People can and do stop taking methadone are are able to get on with their lives just fine. Methadone clinics are expensive, so how's he paying for it with no job? And what about his steroid use? That sends up a red flag that BF has problems that he's not being entirely honest about.
The fact that RW's mother convinced her that her former boyfriend would drug her (and presumably rape her) because he's a doctor is totally mind-boggling. Doctors don't, as a rule, go around drugging and molesting their dates. Not if they want to keep their medical licenses.
There are things about this story that are very odd: the constant moving from place to place because of odors that only the mother can detect, the sleeping in the car, mom waiting in the car while RW is on dates with her former boyfriend in order to protect her,,, What the heck is going on with these two?
It's good that RW is in therapy. The enmeshment with her mother has gone on for decades and she's not seeing reality.
Bottom line: mom needs to go into an assisted living facility and RW needs to learn to live on her own, as an independent adult. Mom won't die (well, she will eventually; we all will) but she'll kill RW first with the constant bids for attention, lack of sleep and the heat blasting in Florida in the summertime.
This is really one of the strangest stories I've ever heard.
He sounds like he's emotionally very fragile and I would say you're emotionally very fragile and two very fragile people facing the kind of setbacks and challenges you both face would be hard-pressed to weather the storm without a lot of outside support through counseling. You could possibly get that through a church or through some community services (low cost/sliding scale). But you'd both have to want to work on it together and he sounds iffy right now about his willingness/capability to do that.
Or it might be time for both of you to put your relationship on hold and spend some time getting your respective lives in order separately to see if you can come back together at some time in the future when you've both ironed out some kinks. If you can both find your strength and come back together, then it was meant to be. If not, you've both got the opportunity to get your lives back on a healthier track separately . Just my two cents.
I am trying to be loving and supportive but I think he thought he would get a new job in a day or two and I knew it would take longer....
and now he accidentally lapsed his auto insurance...
I offered to pay it..
but he was like "I don't want your money, I got a cheaper plan, but your mom is right I cannot support you when I cannot even take care of myself".....he says how he wished he could just think about himself and not have to worry about other stuff.
I am trying to remind him how he told me that God would get us through this...and this is a bad time but he will get it together..
I think he is afraid of his health with the anxiety attacks and seems to be losing his confidence.. I guess I am a little scared seeing this side......because I am so worn out myself with work and caring for my mom...
I guess I just get scared sometimes....it's like bringing him into my life has caused him so much stress...
I agree I think it is a perception thing...when a "stranger" to her kisses or hugs her she thinks this happens.......because it is near the ear...trust me none of these people were interested sexually...lol.....they were being affectionate but she does says why do they hug me any way I don't want them to and blind people get victimized all the time....ahhh..
she is going to try to get to a senior blind person support group soon..she tried before but the air conditioning was too much for her....but just trying positive steps!!
thank you so much!!
The thing that strikes me about your story is the fact that your mom has accused three different people of sticking their tongues in her ear over a ten-year period, beginning when she was eighty.
An eighty-year-old's ear isn't particularly sexy, although there are probably people out there who would disagree with me. It seems unlikely that your mother encountered three different individuals -- younger individuals -- who were turned on by geriatric ear-licking.
Could your mother have misinterpreted a bungled cheek kiss caused by one or both participants moving their heads at the last second as ear molestation? I've experienced those, where the kiss ends up at the corner of my eye instead of on my cheek. Or could she have made it up in order to get attention, and in the case of your boyfriend, to try and get you to banish him?
I'm just really dubious about the ear thing. It would seem more likely for someone to try and cop a feel but ear-licking???
It's natural for your mother to notice that you're - how shall we say it? - not yourself. Irritating that she jumps to the conclusion that you're angry, when the fact is that nobody can be sweetness and light when they have such a lot to cope with! But clearly you are dealing with things practically and sensibly - clearing the air with your client, for example - so with luck, patience and a following wind it will all come good. Keep posting, and keep smiling??? xxx