Hi..Could use some help. My mom is 83, blind and is not in too good shape. I am her only child and her caregiver for many years. We have a very close relationship. Last week she told me my boyfriend when giving her a hug goodbye shoved his tongue in her ear when I was in the other room getting ready for us to go to the movies. A sitter was right by their side and said he hugged her and gave a kiss on the side of her face but no tongue in the ear. Naturally I told my mom that I while I think she perceived this, I do not think it happened and reminded her that she said last year that her gay hairdresser did it and many years prior a lady neighbor. This is really a weird situation. It has been a huge strain on my relationship with my mom and boyfriend. She says blind people are victimized and she was very angry at my not believing her for days and days..lots of crying and fighting. My boyfriend has been very supportive but naturally I have kept him away. My mom says she would be afraid to be around him again and would have to hide in her room. My mom is quite sharp mentally. But does take ativan a few times a week and hydocodone cough syrup a few times a week as well. Any thoughts greatly appreciated. I am worn out physically and emotionally.
just trying to get healthy...then have to figure a plan. My boyfriend is holding on by a string...will have to keep praying for what is best. as soon as I get better calling home health care service to break in new people --I am determined to go to the keys with my boyfriend and Ny with my best friend.....only two days each..but would be a huge achievement. my boyfriend just wants to visit me....but I cannot handle that stress now..that will take counseling ...oye!! thank you so much for caring!! time for a nap!
And we're all here to support you along with your therapist and your priest. You've got a LOT of people rooting for you to make these positive changes in your life. WOOHOO! It's exciting for you!!
I am seeing my boyfriend wed and friday...at his place natch. not sure what is going to happen but am going to at least see what I can do.
am really tired but want to give myself and him a chance....not sure how to work it with him back in the house again...hopefully will get some thoughts from counseling....
thank you again..trying baby steps at a time..
I know that is the normal thing to do and I know I have hurt him alot in the past by doing what my mom wanted and not thinking of him..
but I told him I want to to talk the psychologist first. as I want some ideas on how to do this properly.
I am worn out from this past month....I don't know if I can bear anymore fighting..
I also know my house is super hot as she is cold all the time right now......doctors have checked everything...
He would be miserable here....but he would be like just put on the ac...but if she gets sicker I am the one stuck taking care of her...
I think moving to a larger place might be a good answer but I am not sure how to broach it to her...
and frankly I am worried about the two of them under one roof...I know he is bound to have resentment and may act weird..
and goodness knows what she will think..
part of me wishes he would get an apartment close by.and I could go back and forth...but...unfortunately we tried that two years ago..and I did not give him the time he needed and we fell apart...
i wish things were not so complicated...my boyfriend I feel has proven his love by standing by me....but I know he will only hang around a little while longer...I wish I had a magical solution...
ahhhh
What he needs to understand is that, although he is important to you, he is not MOST important. Your mother - I wish it were yourself, seeing as you're carrying everyone else, but there we are, it's your mother - is most important to you. Doesn't mean he doesn't count. It just means that it's no good his wishing you would let her just like things or lump things, because that's not how you're handling it.
Look, he'll have either to stop sulking, or to shove off. He can always come back later when you're not so busy, never say never, but what he can't do is hang around having tantrums. You've got enough pressure in your life without his adding to it.
He can help you, or go away. Helping you will be hard work, but you are worth it, and the rewards of love and trust will come. While your mother needs you as much as she does, which will not be forever but is a simple fact for the time being, he can't come first. Don't like it? Bye then.
Oh, and No. 1 rule: no guest in your house has permission to be anything less than faultlessly civil to your mother. And I would expect ANY grown-up to be able to manage that.
It's so much easier when you're talking about someone else's boyfriend! Chin up. Big hug.
No he can't come and go as he wishes he does not have that right he is still an invited guest in yours and Moms home. Remember It is Mom's home and she does have a say in who may visit. It would be nice if she respected your needs but she is not going to so you are stuck with the status quo. Now she won't live for ever but even that time could stretch into many years so when this guy has gone be very very careful who you see next because she is going to pull the same crap.
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But since neither of them is seeing straight, you've got to do it for them. You're trying to think in practical terms: e.g. what kind of accommodation would give all of you enough space, where would that be, what does each of you need. You are the one who is trying to look for a way to make everyone happy.
But what about YOU? Can you get them both into a room - doesn't have to be at your place, can you go out somewhere quiet for lunch or something? - and tell them what you want to happen? Short of that, could you try writing it down, for your eyes only, as a start?
As things are, I wouldn't be thinking of Rick's actually moving in with you. Not because he's an ear-licking risk (eyes to heaven) but because he's not stepping up well enough in terms of helping you, not yet anyway.
But above all, it's so unfair that you're being buffeted around like this. Time to think about what you want, and work towards that at your own pace. Keep us posted.
And the fact that he would be dying of heat in the house is a problem too...I survive and keep quiet because I know she will get sick if the ac is on too much at times....he would be dying.....maybe a bigger place might work..
but Yes I agree he has to understand this is HUGE for me...I fought for him and us and am still am...
and Goodness knows how mom will react once she really gets it about us...lol..
trip..am hoping to go sometime in august..will take time to break person in for overnights and get nanny cams etc etc...gotta save too...lol..the companion will cost more than the trip!!
thank you again...you totally keep me sane!!
Could you consider putting her in a facility for respite care while you take your trip? That way you know she's well cared for and will have the opportunity to be around other people her own age and try some activities. You could even do a 1-night practice stay just to see how that would go. Then you and your boyfriend could have some special time together. Your mom might like the extra attention she would get from people in the community.
As for the house temperature, get your mom bundled up. That's much easier than keeping you and other visitors boiling. If she was in her own place, she could have it as warm as she wanted.
And I disagree with some of the other posters - your mom shouldn't be #1 - you should be! She's a very important part of your life but shouldn't be your whole life and vice versa. She's lived her life and what you do for your life takes precedence and mom and/or boyfriend take the #2 and #3 spots.
But talk to your counselor and priest about all of this - we're just amateurs giving you our individual views without having the whole picture your counselor and priest have.
Stockholm syndrome is an interesting analogy too. In that, one persons physical life is in the hands of the victimizer, in enmeshment, both people to some degree have one to feel as if neither can live without the other. In early childhood, that dependency, of the child on the mother is of course very real...the truly good mother has a goal of making that dependency disappear so the child can become an adult, however bittersweet that might be.
maybe it took this for me to see that.....I have been in constant work work work mode that I did not think about personal things...
I told my mom that my boyfriend and I are getting a bigger house later in the year....and that was that....
thankfully he loves me and supports me and we got counseling..
my mom still thinks he did it...but I said when I bring him back to the house I will install nanny cams and have a nurse around and he will not go near you...
and I said I will go to ny for two days once we get a new companion broken in...
I am not backing down on what I want...
yes I was really emotional dealing with all this...and I appreciate your support....everyone's life is different...............you can be successful in one area but have no idea how to handle another situation because it has just been the way it has always been...
I am working on restoring the love I have for my mom because she has done so much for me.....while at the same time moving forward with my own life..
It has been a brutally hard month.....and I have a lot of work left to do..but I want to remain strong with your support!!!
thank you all for the advice...I will continue to grow and have fun..that is my goal
Vstefans, good points.
Made me chuckle, too, remembering my daughter's School Yearbook page. Her summary of the school, left to posterity after 12 years at this place, was "Initially, not cool. Later, not so uncool. I call it Stockholm Syndrome." I think it actually says quite a lot for the school's ethos that they left this unedited...