My FIL lives with my wife and I; how do I become a priority to her again with my FIL being her main focus?

11 months is a long time for one directly involved to still be drowning in the river of de-Nile. She reminds me of my step-dad who was in denial of how bad off mom was and how much help she plus even himself needed.

Sometimes people drown despite all of the boats that come by, helicopters that hover over with a ladder or life preservers that are dropped. When they come up and need to be dragged out of the river, they are often angry because no one helped them, but people had been trying to help them all along.

The intensity of de-Nile, I wonder if along with not being able to deal with the decline is a deeper fear of not being able to conceive of life without her daddy? Who knows, but she's drowning and your frustrated and worn out in many ways, but now your dad needs help and that will involve you in that.

Good luck and keep your own life vest on in wading out into the river of de-Nile where she's drowning. I hope you can reach her. If not, maybe she would listen to someone else.

Well...your wife is having an emotionally devastating time of it staring her father's decline in the face, and denial and postponement is a pretty common coping mechanism under the circumstances. Maybe some of the heart to heart conversation you have with her needs to be about how awful it is to watch parents lose their health. Start with what it is like for you and YOUR dad with the cancer. Take tissues - a BIG box. Or two.

Yes, technically it's a HIPAA violation to have shared as they did - but they maybe were kind of tricked into it by Mom/MIL, and you have to consider that she is even more stressed and distressed than she lets on to you and they are all worried sick about her. She may be defending herself against the still-intolerable idea that her Dad isn't going to get any better, which entails hiding from you to some degree how hard it really is, because you want her to face facts and do something that is better for all involved that she does not feel ready for. She may be better able to face facts if she can open up feelings first. And, you could always encourage her to write to us here about that.

Is her mom still living? I'm guessing either not, or not involved...

My hackles really went up when I read that your mother told you about the doctor/employee discussion, which should have been COMPLETELY confidential between the doctor as employer and your wife as employee.

This kind of personal counseling is no one's business but the two parties involved, and perhaps an office manager if there is one.

I'm wondering how your mother learned of this? If the doctor confided in her, he was out of line as well.

Perhaps this is one reason your wife is reluctant to make decisions, especially if her MIL is involving herself in your marital affairs. That would really tick me off. If the doctor was unprofessional enough to discuss it, then that certainly reflects poorly on him as well.

Perhaps your wife would even be more comfortable working for a doctor where employer/employee confidentiality actually exists.

Another possibility is even worse - that your mother tipped the doctor off to the conflict and the doctor decided to intervene.

Beretta, I hope this weekend goes well.

That being said, it sounds like there is an awful lot of enmeshed going on in both families. A little therapy for you, some couples counseling for you and your wife would be well worth the time and expense. Something to think about.

Marriage can be long years of smooth sailing interrupted by severe squalls. These storms arise in times of stress, illness, caregiving and other crises. Think of therapy as a life preserver. You always need to be wearing it when you're at sea.

beretta68,

Good luck!

From your description is sounds like the doctor situation with who all works there and is seen there that it is an unhealthy dynamic of too much familiarity within the extended family that just should not be. This may explain both her shutting down on you and some of your hesitation is being more proactive before now, yet still hesitating some.

I can tell you are not open to this idea, but seeing a therapist for yourself would very likely help you deal with this via some professional guidance. Seeing a therapist does not mean that you are week or mentally ill like some think it does. It more often than not means you are stuck and can't figure out how to get out or get things untangled. Please reconsider and see a therapist even if this weekend goes well. There's a lot going on here that one talk with the wifey about her daddy is not going to resolve. Good luck!

Aggreed. I have had discussions with my parents about my situations, and my mom is concerned for me, and wanted me to know. I am positive in the fact that my wife now is hearing from others she trusts. She asked for a "Pop free morning on Saturday" and I am taking her on a nice fall drive for a couple hours. We can reconnect again, blow off steam, and I will see if she opens up on her own to me. Will advise on Monday as to progress. Not confident but then she can always suprise me.

This could also escalate into a mommy and hubby vs wifey and daddy in her eyes.

So your mother who works with the family doctor who you r wife also works for called you to tell you what the doctor said to your wife?

That is a big boundary breaker by her and puts you in an information triangle that I would not walk into. It would really not be good to say, "dear I got a phone call from my mother that your doctor is concerned about your stress level and says _____"

That would get you in trouble very quickly.

Instead of waiting, which has been going on way too long, I would be proactive. This is your life and marriage also. It's not all just your wife and her daddy.

Good point, baba. Also, if she learns that his mom has conveyed this info, it could cause a strain in both their personal and professional relationship.

I'm frankly quite disturbed by this dynamic. Sounds like your wife has no privacy in her relationship with her doctor? Boy, would that tick me off.

Timing can help - get a couple hours alone with her this weekend, away from home, to discuss. At home and after work, people are distracted, tired and less receptive to heavy conversations.

She may be dreading the task of getting an unwilling parent on board with the idea. Let her know that you will be beside her, helping her with this, if it would help her. And let her know that this doesn't mean she has somehow failed him, but that there comes a time when our parent's needs are greater than our ability to properly meet those needs.

I would not wait for your wife to bring it up. Her doctor has identified stress in her. If she's suffering from mental overload I think she needs you to be kind and generous and do some proactive work researching AL in your area. Tour places that are promising and help your wife narrow down the choices (if there are choices) and one will most certainly feel right for your FIL. I wish you lots of luck!

Update: My wife works for family Doc, the same one my mother works with as RN. She called me to let me know that the Doc talked to my wife about my FIL and suggesting that he should go into AL, as he can see the stress in my wife both physically and mentally. But after i asked how her day was and anything new, my wife did not bring anything up. Do I push her or wait for her to bring it up with me--which anything to do with AL for her dad she keeps quiet about. I think it is good for her to hear from others, knowing it did not come from me, but waiting for her to respond or consider putting into action is frustraiting waiting for from her. Any thoughts?

I am glad that you talked about things, and about the future. I am really glad to hear that. While AL may never be BETTER for your FIL, these things have to be in balance with what is best for all 3 of you overall. I really is important that the needs of the marriage are in the equation as you try to create a balanced solution. I wouldn't focus on the hope that AL will be better for him, just good enough once the whole picture is considered.

This is very good news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your wife is "nervous and scared about AL." Then, maybe she and you need to visit one in your area so she can see as well as hear what goes on in one. Lack of knowledge often creates more fear than exists a reason for fear. Check it out.

So glad to read this. I had been praying for you in hopes some kind of breakthrough would occur. Try to find a way to make this happen more often, like weekly if you can, to reinforce this good outing and feelings it brought with it. Maybe son can come over or take him out or the cousin. I know it'd have to be someone she trusts so I thought maybe between these two you guys can get out more often, you need it. And it looks like it paid off with such a positive post. Here's hoping you two will continue to move forward.

Had a bit of a break in things this weekend. I took my wife out of town to my nieces 16th Bday, while my FIL went to dinner with his son and girlfriend. My wife and I talked about things, and the future. She is nervous and scared about AL, but understands it will be better for FIL going forward; so I will continue my research into it. We also got to reconnect as husband and wife, we laughed and had a nice time--something she admitted we have been sorely lacking and she missed it. Overall I am back over 1/2 tank on my strength and am more positive as we go forward now!

Overall, Beretta, your situation seems to be going nowhere but down hill. Please see a therapist to guide you through this maze, fog and whatever else is in this mess. We can only do so much from here online. You really need to see someone face to face for your own sake if for nothing else.

Beretta, keep in mind that your FIL has dementia. My "first rule of dementia care" care is to always verify the facts with someone else. In this case, that would have to be your wife.

This situation is downheartening, for sure. It may be that your wife was less than forthcoming with you at the outset because she knew how you'd feel and what you'd say. It may be that she "promised" her dad once that she'd never abandon him. It may be due to other issues you have no inkling of. Which is why you really need a therapist.

I had a couple hours with my FIL before my wife got home from work. I brought up the AL idea to him. I was led to believe that he had discussed with my wife and was somewhat open to the idea. He tells me that he does not think moving into AL is a good one, and was supprised I brought it up. My feelings are that my wife tells me one thing and him another. At the beginning almost a year ago I aggreed to this situation as a Temporary arrangement while he transitions from his Home to AL. Now i think he is in for the long run, and I am frustrated. If this was the plan given to me from Day one, I would have not allowed it--not out of not loving him but for simple reason our Bungalow is 2 bdrm 1 bath--and there is no real privacy. Any suggestions as how to break the "AL" ice wall that is in fromt of me, by caregiver "gastank" is at 1/4 now and i am exhausted.

One of the ideas of the many great ones out here was to get a bit of help.
So over the weekend we made arrangements for kids of my wife's brother's girlfriend to come in on one day we are both working to do cleaning of my FIL's room and main floor of house. That way he has both cleaning and company--and gives him a bit of a boost. So thanks out there for that!

Can you hire help with the housekeeping and yard work? With multiple people needing help, you have to look at what you and she need to do yourselves, and what you can get help for. As needs increase (and/or the caregiver has physical limitations), you have to re-examine your priorities and what you think you personally need to do.

Your father comes before your FIL. This might be a good time to make that switch in attention and focus on your own family first.

Another curve ball thrown at me. Now my OWN father who beat Pancriatic cancer 2 yrs ago now has been told he has prostate cancer, very early and treatable. Talk about head on a swivel. About a month ago when I learned of my wife's issues with her back, We discussed the future, as I did indicate i just cannot work full time and care for both her and my FIL. She understood then, but as she is still working with no back issues just stayed the course. Now I will re-hash that discussion, but saying that MY dad will need some of my attention with this, and see how she responds to our situation. My point will be simply put "We just cannot take care of everyone." I have brothers who will help with my dad, but I need to be part of that as well. Any ideas?

Responsibility to one's parents shouldn't preclude one from also feeling responsibility to one's marriage and children. While it's our first relationship, it shouldn't cause us to put it over the relationship we vowed to cherish with our spouse. In a perfect world. Practically speaking, the increasing needs of an aging parent often put us in constant reaction mode to the detriment of our families.

Your wife is dealing with work, her dad's needs (and her sadness at seeing him slipping away), you, home...etc. I would suggest that your approach avoid putting her on the defensive ("why is it you shut me out"). Perhaps start by discussing that you're both so stressed, life has become quite difficult for you both, that with the changes in your lives, you need to work together on some changes to deal with the new issues. When I was an overwhelmed,crazed person dealing with a parent living with me, my very wise husband affected changes incrementally. If he'd put me on the defensive, I'd have been out of the room. But if he'd just passively said nothing, I'd never have known how it truly affected him.

I do hope your attempt to talk with her helps for she should at least be willing to talk as one adult to another. I'd do that before pondering what I wrote about. Be careful of phrasing things in ways that might be heard as an attack. For example, phrases like "you make me feel ____________" is heard as an attack. Instead something like " I feel ______ when you do ______" You are owning your emotions with I statements instead of attacking the other person with you statements. I hope this is clear.

Beretta,

It sounds like your wife is blinded by her sense of responsibility for her dad! She has effective iced you out,

She doesn't want any help from the outside. However, she wants you to give her a break! What? She can get a break by hiring someone.

Your situation is not entirely like Dagan's

His mom presumably needed help which his wife did while he went to work For 5 years, he was evidently blind to the emotional abuse that his mom was dishing out on his wife.

Them, one day his wife had enough and left sending him a message at work through someone that she was gone and why. That was a wake up call for him. He thus moved a lightening speed to move his mom out on her own and through a medical evaluation it was found that she didn't need all of that help at home to begin with.

His mom is out and his wife and him are back in contact and hopefully home by now and he found therapy helpful in all of this.

From what you have shared, your wife is the blind one and the one doing all of the caregivivng which for whatever reason she feels that she must do the hands on personally herself. She may even be blind to his current and future care needs, but that is not what is important right now.

Amidst all of this, you are feeling abused and you, understandably, want your wife back.

Your between a rock and a hard place with her not even being willing to talk with you.

What is going on here as far as the bigger historical picture goes? Has she always been this tough to talk with about your feelings? Has she always been the one in control? So far, this does not sound like a marriage that would be described as healthy in any sense of the word.

Weather you get therapy or not, which like everyone else I hope you do, I only see three possibilities. There may be more.

1. Value yourself more and take care of you with some reasonable boundaries of what you will and will not do anymore. (That is not going to make her a happy camper, but that is her problem. Boundaries are not meant for behavior modification or punishment. They are for self protection.) By doing this, you are putting yourself on a healthier path. What she does is what she does.

Know this, you didn't make her this way. You for sure can't control her. (no one can) and you can't fix her (that will only happen if she wants it to.)

2. The second possibility is the way of least resistance of doing nothing, sucking it up as your wife's "bat boy" or more bluntly like I saw \my MIL treat my FIL like a slave. My FIL passively went along without a complaint. He was so weak that he told his daughters that he saw the abuse they were experiencing at his wife's hands but he could not do anything about it. He's dead and his wife only misses him for what he's no longer around to do for her. Is that the kind of slave you want to become?

3. The third possibility is the most radical and the most painful to consider as well as do and that's the old "walk out the back Jack, no need to be coy, Roy" Now there are two types of leaving. There is the I hope you wake up leaving like Dagan's wife did. Then there is the goodbye leaving, you are on your own type leaving. If this situation is the breaking point, then there must have been some on going problems for some time that this has climaxed into, bur we can't deal with all that right now. You need to make some important, life changing choices.

We can't tell you which one to do. Each choice has their consequences that you will have to live with.

It does sound like you are at a three way intersection and it's your choice which path or road you choose. Once you choose a path, there is not much of a chance in going back and choosing another path.

You have a lot to think about. I really think you're thinking and deciding would be assisted greatly by seeing a therapist face to face and going over all of this with them.

The only advice I'd add about finding a therapist is that since you are having trouble with your wife, it may be a good idea to pick a male therapist if you think it would make any difference in your feeling free to open up based on them being a male or female counselor. I just mention that in case it may make a difference. That's not a problem for there are people with self-insight that tells them which one to choose and when they have done otherwise, they find that they can't open up.

All in all, it is all about choices and consequences. It's your choice what you are going to do or not do.

Keep in touch. I wish you the very best in your journey in this mess. You are not alone and you are loved as well as a valuable human being who deserves a much healthier marriage.

Love, prayers and cyber hugs

I am going to have a discussion about this to really guage where her head is in all this, which is something I have tried to do for a while now, but thanks to the posts out here and amazing advise, i will try a different approach--going the route to see if it is because she is scared for him to go. I have tried it to an extent, but accept it when she shuts the conversation down. But my approach will be the way of "Why is it you shut me out at this point, have we not been able to discuss anything?"

Have a candid talk with your wife and tell her exactly what you're telling us. She'll probably go off when you tell her you've been looking for ALs. That will definitely drive a bigger wedge between the two of you.

I understand your FIL needs some assistance, but that doesn't mean the love of your life should play the role of 24-7 maid while you play 2nd fiddle. If that doesn't do much, it's time for a more-or-less amicable man-to-man talk. Your emotions might cloud your judgement for a moment, but do your best to keep a cool head.

I get the feeling he's not so keen about going to AL and will ride the helpless wave as long as he can. After all, why go somewhere else for assistance when he's getting everything he needs from her?

One last thing: don't threaten with moving out; or finding another place until your FIL is gone. You wife is running on fumes, and she might tell you to buy a one-way express ticket to H____.

Um Beretta, I'm letting the others tell you about the value of therapy, whether for you alone or both of you.

"She doesn't see him as ready for AL yet". What in blazes does that mean? He has dementia , yes? Which gets worse. As dementia progresses, the elder is LESS ready, Less flexible, less able to adjust to the new situation. If she thinks he's still too independent for AL, then find a tiered community that has IL. AL and memory care.