My FIL lives with my wife and I; how do I become a priority to her again with my FIL being her main focus?

Terry's and the other insightful posts just gave me an idea. The assumption has been that you want to regain a closeness with your wife and a true married life, in the real sense of being close.

There's another possibility, one in which you just co-habit and lead separate lives. You leave her with her father and all that arises from that and go on with your own life, spending time with your friends and leaving her with her father.

I recall reading somewhere that this is how the rich folks do it if they're not getting along. They don't necessarily divorce. They just lead separate lives while still co-habiting.

Beretta68, I just went back and re-read all the responses to your questions and it looks like even though you asked the question in Sept of 2015, this has been going on for almost a year from their answers. Have you really been just waiting in the wings for almost a year for your wife to make a decision about her father? Well, if you have, I can tell you that with all the answers you gave about her, it seems to me that she doesn't really care one iota about what you think or care about. If it has really been that long, as long as you remain on the fence about your relationship, she will too. You have been more than fair about your requests and you have gotten little in return. You may need to face some hard facts about your wife. I don't know of many men who would put up with this treatment nor do I know of many women who would put up with the same type of treatment from a husband for this long. The FIL is being selfish if he is able to move around fine and do for himself until she gets off work, then he suddenly becomes needy. He is treating her more like an abused wife than a daughter. It is apparent that he has considerable control over her and her emotions. Some fathers do and use that to their advantage. It seems that he is enjoying being the "main" one in her life instead of you. And, she is getting the attention she may have deserved many years ago and didn't get when she was growing up.
They are both feeding each other's needs and you are left out in the cold. I don't recall how old you are but if your name Beretta68 means that you are 68, then you should be doing something about this before it gets too late. Your wife seems to be happy with the status quo and doesn't want to hear anything else about making changes so you have a few options left. 1. Leave everything as is and accept the status quo until she tells you what you two are going to do; 2. Insist that FIL go into an AL or if his health is better, a retirement community so you two can resume your marriage without any interference from him; 3. If she is willing to work with you and start spending some weekends with you, you can get a cleaning person who will relieve the stress and burden of cleaning and give her some needed down time; 4. If she isn't willing to work with you about anything and doesn't want to hear about a change, then it may be time to tell her you are going to start living again and then go do it. You can go on cruises and/or vacations without her, go with a male friend who may be in the same shape or is single, if money is tight, at least go to free things-like museum openings, bike-riding, walks in the park or go to movies, out to eat, spend time with friends and have conversations that aren't about anyone's problems, spend time with family members again, anything that puts you with other adults to get away from the health issues; or 5. If all else fails, move somewhere else. As one commenter put it, she's doing for him like she would do for you if you were to get sick. NOT true! There's a reason she doesn't want to spend time with you and only you can answer that if you're honest with yourself. A marriage therapist would tell you the same thing. You're either dancing together or you two are at different galas. If, in fact, you are 68, and in good health, you may have 2 decades left to enjoy life. It only comes around once and you've had some bad luck this past year. Check out a therapist and see what they think about the last year and what's in store for you. Finally, you may only have the last option left and you know what that is.

Ask her - "do you want me to just hold off on any changes until after the New Year? But first, ask yourself if you can live with an answer of "yes, please" which I suspect is likely. If you can, and you can back off completely and expect nothing but the status quo for another month, it is possible her defenses will start to crumble. If she does not miss YOU more than she fears change and feeling guilty for not doing it all herself, and does nothing but get even more comfortable with inaction, it will be time for you to take a move in mid-January because your life and marriage should not be on hold forever. Making a move could be packing your things, or setting up a counseling appointment that you will go to yourself whether she comes with you or not.

beretta68 ,

Depending on your wife's relationship with her brother, she may or may night hear him. He might look like he's taking your side since he's a man. Triangular relationships and communication can work strange like that which is another good reason for marriage therapy because it brings in the input of an objective third person who is not related to either and has not emotional trade off in the whole matter.

My have you sacrificed a lot and this has been on hold for about 3 months when we reach December 9.

Even if the meeting goes well, I still think marriage therapy is needed for your wife holds way too much power over you in your marriage. No spouse should hold that kind of power over another male or female. Frankly it's emotional and psychological abuse.

I disagree with you, horserider. We must live in the present. This woman has forsaken her husband. Period. It doesn't matter that it's her father that has taken over her life and come between beretta and his wife. It's wrong.

I've read through your recent posts because I remember your predicament. Yes, it's December...so what? What does Christmas mean if there's no JOY in your heart? Stop making excuses for your wife - her back, etc. Stop being her man servant. Your wife is not hearing you so it's time to speak with your feet. Hire a housekeeper and take your time to get out of the house. It needn't be expensive. For example, go to the movies. Libraries are free and usually offer a range of activities. Join Rotary or volunteer in your community. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And if it doesn't, then you'll know what to do next.

...care for you if you get sick, and that you are one lucky guy. Loyalty isn't to be taken lightly.

This post is 3 months old -- any updates?
Honestly, the only thing that keep running through my head is that how she cares for her father is a preview of how she's likely to

Thanks Babalou, but I want to try it the DYI way. I have put a ton of the advice that i have received out here and it has kept balance and peace in my house, and in my Mind. But if I have reached the need for a therapist, I will take advantage of it. Trust me I want to do what is needed to do for my Relationship! But no, if my last nerve is being stepped on and abused, I will leave. My situation is not there yet, but if it does, I will still try by reaching out to everyone on here.

One more time. Find yourself a marital therapist. This is beyond the DYI stage.

That is an interesting approach, Kathy. My FIL has many health issues, as well as Dementia/Alzheimers but amazingly all is in check for many months. I do attribute that to the surroundings and think that we are doing all things right. But as he is ok, I am not, working all weel and doing 90-95% of household needs. But i see things like he is after being home 3 days on his own while we both work. He sleeps a lot, and gets bored and miserable. Now speaking to HIM is an option, but I know my wife, she will see it as going behind her back. So i spoke with her brother. He will begin tourd with me, and aggrees that we need to get FIL into the system. So it is going to be an interesting family meeting after XMAS, and I am hoping that hearing her brothers fellings as well as mine will convince my wife.

Beretta: Could you refresh us on the FILs condition, especially mental condition and ability to understand normal conversations? Is he still able to understand a man to man conversation about "I love you but..."?

You and your wife are in a marriage = partnership. There is something you want to discuss and agree on a plan - she is refusing to discuss it. She is not honoring your partnership. Good luck with you - but it seems as if she will not now and will not in the future discuss it. You might have to notch it up a little - go to counseling on your own to help you - if she is not willing to discuss and insists that nothing changes - what are you willing to do/not do? Are you willing to move out? Hire someone to do the household chores you do so you can have a break? I'm not sure what to suggest but I feel for you. Your wife is not being fair.

It seems you are making a compromise of some type every single day, and that she is making pretty much zero compromises. Having one visit to a suitable AL with you and her (before Christmas) would be one compromise. There is no give and take going on in the marriage relationship right now on this issue. This is a relationship issue, and she exerts quite a lot of power over you without any compromise in return. Its as if she holds power over you with a constant threat that she will reject you for having your own needs. Desiring to preserve the marriage which should last well beyond the FILs death is a righteous purpose.
Once again, go to secret counseling on your own and get assistance figuring this out constructively.

So today finds myself continuing my research. But as we are in December my wife has become more distant about speaking about future plans for FIL. I brought up the tour idea as I am taking couple of days off, and she tells me it bothers her to discuss it, "like I speak of it daily." So i am trying a differint approach. I will be quiet about the NH subject, and will fo thru the Christmas season doing the family thing, not just us but MY family. Once Christmas is behind us, I am going to bring this up again FIRMLY. We need to get him into the system (waiting list) which could be 1 month up to several. But I want this done, and if need be I know it might get a bit nasty. But for months the calm and trying to be reasonable approach is not working. But am i truly doing the right thing by insisting? Please lend me your thoughts............

Thanks for sharing the good (and forward moving) news.

Your patient approach is laudable.

Another step has been reached. We are now discussing it between Myself, My wife and FIL, and brother in law. My Fil understands and is not upset, and neither is my wife, though she still not really happy--she at least is on board. I will continue my research, but will be booking a tour by the end of November which My wife and FIL want to join me. ONE STEP AT A TIME!

Awesome news! I really like the idea of writing her and leaving her notes as both of way of keeping things going yet showing your love and support because I agree you are a good writer. It may also deepen the emotional intimacy between you, strengthening the bond and trust that seems to have taken a hit over the years. Prayers with you, guy! You're doing great!

Beretta, You have taken the hardest step, and looks like you will win your wife back! Was she this difficult to convince when you asked her to marry you?
You did good. It is becoming rare to see a man step up to the plate, stand in the gap, choose the life you have instead of giving up.! So happy for you, and especially happy for your wife!

Beretta: I think you are always so timid about owning your own feelings and expressing them. If you tell your wife "its because of your back" its another of the endless versions of not taking responsibility for your own feelings. However, I did like the part of "I can't do this any more". Just didn't like that you blamed it on her back. This shifts the emotional responsibility because you aren't coming forth with your emotional honesty about your side of the equation. Its like you want to manipulate her to take responsablity for the decision so you don't have to. That's an area to gather some courage in and think about.

Just read the update - well done. Peace and long life to you and your wife.

With respect, stop asking and start telling. This person whom I am sure you (both) love has become a wedge between husband and wife. "Forsaking ALL others". If and when allowed an elderly parent is allowed, they can become like a child who will never grow up. This is a tragic thing to do to any marriage. Accepting help from someone else when the situation is harming the marriage is not a choice. It is something she promised to do when marrying you. Couples counseling - Go.

Another thing you could do is write her a letter. You are a pretty good writer and you are able to express your ideas and feelings pretty well in writing. Ask her to read it when you are not with her. Ask her to reply. Email works pretty well for this surprisingly. For some of the hard stuff you need to talk about. Especially when both of you kind of avoid hard things for the sake of getting along.

Beretta, this is such good news! And thanks so much for sharing with us. So often people post about challenging or difficult situations, get a lot of advice, and either never provide an update, justify not doing anything to change, or often come back with the same old story in another post.

It's rewarding to know that the suggestions of all the people who took the time were considered and that you've both moved forward. I think this will likely lessen the stress your wife feels as well as she too moves forward toward a more balanced resolution.

Good, mature, and professional way to handle the situation.

Wishing you the best as you go forward.

So quite an update: I have taken what I have learned out here from you all and put it to the best use. I sat down with my wife and was loving but direct--"With you now with your back and other issues, we have to go forward. I love you and you are MY PROIRITY as my wife. I love your dad bit I cannot take care of you both." We talked, and she asked about my research into AL. Coule days later she spoke with FIL about going for a tour and check it out for lunch. No more, no less. He is ok with that. "Planting the seed" is how it was referred to me out here, and it worked--as he is interested. This is a step, and I told her that I am proud of her. I will keep you all posted--and again appreciate your advise!!
THANK_YOU!

Here's a plan: In the middle of the night, after you are up for some reason and laying there awake and she is awake too, just blurt out "I want your father to move out, I really do!". Sometime around 3am when things get simple.

Beretta, you've just been too good staying at home doing the housework, other chores and not getting any response from the wife. May I suggest something? I'm sure you have already heard this before but women tend to be the caretakers of the family regardless of whether it's his family, her family or other family members. All (most) women want to care and make the decisions. They are natural as mothers and think they know best. That's why she's telling you to back off. First, I would interview a cleaning service for once a month, later maybe, twice a month (you'll love it when you don't have to do it) tell your wife, while you love her dearly, you have had enough and it's gone on for almost a year now and you are lonely and want your wife back. You have found an AL for the FIL to move into and you need her to hear what you're saying. AT this point, she will either say ok, or again, back off or go to H**. No worries, it's not you she's rejecting, it's the timing of her father's illness and she's stuck. A child should help take care of the parent/s, as they did when the child was young. If she says back off, don't argue, just get the cleaning lady coming and start living life again doing whatever you think you can handle. When she sees that you've returned to the land of the living, she will wonder what you're doing and will eventually join you after SHE puts the FIL in an AL facility. As long as you will remain where you're at now, she knows you aren't fooling around, enjoying yourself without her and she can be selfish while looking like a saint! Once she sees that the AL is the best answer, the FIL will like it better if it's a good one and you and wife will be back together again. Good luck.

Did that generation give up their spouses to care for their parents? Neither of my parents took care of their parents for they died before needing care. My parerents were among the first wave of divorces in the 50s. One of her problems was expecting her husband to be rich like her daddy among other relationship weaknesses.

If this is an example of a former generation's mores, then it is surely dishonorable concerning an adult child's marriage. What would she feel if the shoe were on the other foot with his mom in their home and her cut off just the same as he is? She would have the same complaints!

We're in a "flux" generation, regarding caring for our parents. So much has changed from the time that our parents cared for theirs - working women, increased longevity, etc. BUT what has not changed is that we were brought up with a lifetime of messages from family and media that we are expected to care for our parents as has been done by the generations before us. So what she may be experiencing is the impossible struggle of meeting "back in the day" standards of taking care of our parents, with a whole new set of responsibilities and limits. Even if this need to meet the old standards only exists withing the caregiver (and not coming from the parent), there is this constant feeling of not doing enough, not doing it right. Add to this that she may have told her mom she'd take care of Dad, so having him move to AL may feel like she's not doing what she promised.

I'm not saying that you all don't need to move this forward....I'm just saying that when you're programmed to be a caregiver, it's hard to let go without feeling like you've failed. Hard to be told you have to be SuperWoman and realize you don't have the super powers after all.