After 11 months, working full time and doing most of if not all the household duties, i feel like more of a room-mate then a husband most of the time. One of my best friends to the both of us offered to come over and be my FIL's "gopher"to give is a much needed break together. My wife said no as she did not want to leave her dad and burden him with the task. This has been my last 11 months. Even now as she knows he needs to go to AL, she is hesitating and reciently told me to "back-off" on the subject as it is upsetting her. So as I am researching AL places on my own, i am getting more bitter every week.
Help........need advise AGAIN!
Good luck!
From your description is sounds like the doctor situation with who all works there and is seen there that it is an unhealthy dynamic of too much familiarity within the extended family that just should not be. This may explain both her shutting down on you and some of your hesitation is being more proactive before now, yet still hesitating some.
I can tell you are not open to this idea, but seeing a therapist for yourself would very likely help you deal with this via some professional guidance. Seeing a therapist does not mean that you are week or mentally ill like some think it does. It more often than not means you are stuck and can't figure out how to get out or get things untangled. Please reconsider and see a therapist even if this weekend goes well. There's a lot going on here that one talk with the wifey about her daddy is not going to resolve. Good luck!
That being said, it sounds like there is an awful lot of enmeshed going on in both families. A little therapy for you, some couples counseling for you and your wife would be well worth the time and expense. Something to think about.
Marriage can be long years of smooth sailing interrupted by severe squalls. These storms arise in times of stress, illness, caregiving and other crises. Think of therapy as a life preserver. You always need to be wearing it when you're at sea.
This kind of personal counseling is no one's business but the two parties involved, and perhaps an office manager if there is one.
I'm wondering how your mother learned of this? If the doctor confided in her, he was out of line as well.
Perhaps this is one reason your wife is reluctant to make decisions, especially if her MIL is involving herself in your marital affairs. That would really tick me off. If the doctor was unprofessional enough to discuss it, then that certainly reflects poorly on him as well.
Perhaps your wife would even be more comfortable working for a doctor where employer/employee confidentiality actually exists.
Another possibility is even worse - that your mother tipped the doctor off to the conflict and the doctor decided to intervene.
Yes, technically it's a HIPAA violation to have shared as they did - but they maybe were kind of tricked into it by Mom/MIL, and you have to consider that she is even more stressed and distressed than she lets on to you and they are all worried sick about her. She may be defending herself against the still-intolerable idea that her Dad isn't going to get any better, which entails hiding from you to some degree how hard it really is, because you want her to face facts and do something that is better for all involved that she does not feel ready for. She may be better able to face facts if she can open up feelings first. And, you could always encourage her to write to us here about that.
Is her mom still living? I'm guessing either not, or not involved...
Sometimes people drown despite all of the boats that come by, helicopters that hover over with a ladder or life preservers that are dropped. When they come up and need to be dragged out of the river, they are often angry because no one helped them, but people had been trying to help them all along.
The intensity of de-Nile, I wonder if along with not being able to deal with the decline is a deeper fear of not being able to conceive of life without her daddy? Who knows, but she's drowning and your frustrated and worn out in many ways, but now your dad needs help and that will involve you in that.
Good luck and keep your own life vest on in wading out into the river of de-Nile where she's drowning. I hope you can reach her. If not, maybe she would listen to someone else.
Honestly, I think your wife was justified if she was annoyed, and especially at your mother for sharing what should have been a privileged discussion with you.
I'm glad there is some progress. However, if I were your wife, your mother would not be on my list of favorite people and I would be tempted to tell her to mind her own business. And perhaps that's why your wife had been resistant to your efforts for some time. She might consider your mother a meddler and direct her resentment toward you.
understand it is some opportunuty for more activity than he has now. So i will now continue to investigate 3-4 places I like, and we will bring him up to one for a tour in the next few weeks. All this progress from my question to her "Are you scared and how can I help?" Again thanks to all these great post and suggestions I have taken in and used in my home. Will update soon.......
I've had wonderful, mentoring relationships with some of my bosses, especially when I was young. I would have been appalled if other employees were overhearing me talk about my private concerns and reporting what I said to others.
Is she afraid of facing life once her dad dies? Is she displacing this fear to the assisted living to avoid that fear she she's really got about a fear of eventually loosing dad?
An interesting emotion, this fear is, although FIL sounds like he's open to go for more variety and activity that assisted living provides. The same person every day all day with nothing else to do does get boring after some time. She's not going to be able to fix or resolve her fears by being controlling and isolating towards others while over protecting and hovering over her dad. That's really not treating him with much respect nor as a fellow adult. Since he has expressed interest in going to an assisted living for all the right reasons, then his desire should be respected and it will meet more of his needs to live life as much as he can now although him going there might not meet her needs. In my opinion keeping an older adult overprotected does no more good than keeping a child over protected but for different reasons. Who knows, but he may be more like my dad who has prepared for, face the reality of and gone into his phase in life very realistically almost to a fault. I think at some point FIL will need to be brought into this discussion and have his feelings validated and his request honored. Sorry folks, but more and more FIL is sounding like a kept man being over protected like a child. That's insulting to me anyhow.
You might want to frame this as a financial question; how are we going to be able to retire if we're not building up funds for OUR old age.
Since wife brought up " scared as an emotion" have you asked her exactly what her fears are about?
The good thing is that your FIL will probably have more distractions and more of a social life. The other reason to get him to AL NOW is that he'll adjust more easily the more cognitive skills he has. Trying to transition someone with more advanced dementia into an AL often causes a steep and sudden decline.
I'm sorry that you are still facing this issue. It may be that FIL doesn't leave, that your wife can't face it, or that he tries it and hates it and your wife can't/won't wait out the adjustment period. I think you need both plan A and plan B in this case. If he ends up staying, you need to figure out the resources that you will use to hire in home respite so that your marriage doesn't suffer. That way you'll have something to look forward to each week.
So my plan is to give it a few weeks, and then bring up the AL topic, but with more conviction. I almost feel like she is waiting for something to happen; medical or accidental--before she will react. Am I to gain anything by being more demanding that we make plans for the future? I do not want to aggrivate the situation, but when one IS aggrivated what can one DO?
I'm wondering if she'd be any more likely to think clearly if faced with some very drastic choices, such as he goes or you go, not that I would suggest threatening but this clearly has gone on a long time without any resolution.
Past time for therapy for this crisis! Get at least yourself into therapy now!
Make that call in the morning from work!
This is called tough love, necessary because she is hurting you.
After a time of complaining, perhaps you wouldn't feel guilty about moving on to another relationship, because, after all, who could blame you? After all this time?
Seek therapy.