My FIL lives with my wife and I; how do I become a priority to her again with my FIL being her main focus?

Beretta, you've had a lot of good suggestions, including working with the cousin who is in favor of AL, as well as getting therapy. Your response has generally foreclosed the latter, so apparently in your view that's not an option.

Yet no reason has been provided other that as stated in your immediately previous post.

Let's recap, as well:

In one of your earlier responses on this thread, you wrote:

" Actually she does work, and 3 times a week my FIL is alone during the day"

Just a few hours ago you wrote:

"she will not leave FIL for a date, let alone therapy!"

What am I missing here? She'll leave him to go to work, so that means he's ALONE, right? But in your opinion she wouldn't leave him for therapy. If you don't want to try therapy, just say so. Don't put the blame on your wife's fidelity to her father.

So how does she manage to go to work 3 days a week? Or has she now quit working out of the home entirely, meaning that you're now the sole breadwinner?

You also wrote:

"I will ride this out for a while longer, probably up to the 1yr moving in date, and become more vocal then."

Well, you've made your assessment. No one change your mind, and frankly I think it's inconsiderate to abruptly dismiss the comments of those who've spent time trying to help you.

I wonder how much more creative advice can be given to help you with this dilemma?

And I also wonder why you as the main breadwinner are allowing this situation to be entirely controlled by your wife. You're supposed to be a team but now you're just the bat boy (no disparagement meant for bat boys, but they're not the managers or leaders), and she's taken over the whole team strategy, tactics and implementation.

Did you read Dagan's post? If not, please do. You may reach that point although I suspect that in your situation, it's just going to become more and more dominated by your wife.

I want to thank you for this post, as I do see where i have been too quick and negative to dismiss the really helpful advise I have received. My negativity is due to frustration, and not to be directed at this site--as it HAS been helpful for my thoughts. I will take your advise and review Dagan's post.

Beretta, agree with GA here. Is there something else you're not telling us? Just wondering. I think unless you have a heart to heart with her and start backing off the chores some at least, this will continue to be a problem. Maybe give it a break and let her chill out. And maybe let the cousin bring it up with her and talk to her when you are not there. But it needs to be at a point where she's cooled down some. You need some support so even if she doesn't go consider a support group, caregiver or otherwise, men's group, outing or something to break the tension. I don't think there's much more the folks here can say unless there's something else we don't know or understand to bring an added perspective to this. You say you can wait it out a year, but I don't think this can wait any longer. The pressure valve will burst eventually if not solved.

Please read that Dagan post/thread GA included in her earlier post. Please, please, please.

You may not like my answer. Some children feel a responsibility to their parents. I have been married for 40 years and when my husband's parents needed help I moved them in with us and took care of them- fortunately not both at the same time. Now my mother is with me and it's very hard and it's been going on for two years with no end in sight. You are in a pickle because if you force her to move father in law to assisted living facility she will resent you. Marriage over. FIL stays, you're out. So what is the only solution? You need to do what you feel you need to do. It's unfair - another human to do what you want them to do even when it is your spouse. If you love her suck it up and let her deal with her emotions and be supportive. If this situation is making you resentful then I would consider leaving. You cannot make another person do anything against their will without there being dire consequences. Either way it goes the way it is going to depend on you.

You are sure having a hard time telling her anything much about how you see the situation, or how you feel about it. Maybe you could write us a more detailed statement about how you feel about the situation, about what you want from your own perspective for you and your wife. It seems as if it has become very hard for you to say anything to her about this problem, perhaps reduced to peripheral hints. It might be good to get out of this rather passive mode you are operating in. Is this fear that you will make her angry if you speak of these things, and she will reject you? So this week she got you to take him out for 3hrs to give her a break? I guess if this is how you want life to be then you will end up having the life you chose. I just keep hearing the 'nobody cared but the cat' observation from your earlier note. That's pretty sad stuff, because marriage can be much richer than that but sometimes you have to do some work and face some issues that are not necessarily easy.

Um Beretta, I'm letting the others tell you about the value of therapy, whether for you alone or both of you.

"She doesn't see him as ready for AL yet". What in blazes does that mean? He has dementia , yes? Which gets worse. As dementia progresses, the elder is LESS ready, Less flexible, less able to adjust to the new situation. If she thinks he's still too independent for AL, then find a tiered community that has IL. AL and memory care.

Have a candid talk with your wife and tell her exactly what you're telling us. She'll probably go off when you tell her you've been looking for ALs. That will definitely drive a bigger wedge between the two of you.

I understand your FIL needs some assistance, but that doesn't mean the love of your life should play the role of 24-7 maid while you play 2nd fiddle. If that doesn't do much, it's time for a more-or-less amicable man-to-man talk. Your emotions might cloud your judgement for a moment, but do your best to keep a cool head.

I get the feeling he's not so keen about going to AL and will ride the helpless wave as long as he can. After all, why go somewhere else for assistance when he's getting everything he needs from her?

One last thing: don't threaten with moving out; or finding another place until your FIL is gone. You wife is running on fumes, and she might tell you to buy a one-way express ticket to H____.

I am going to have a discussion about this to really guage where her head is in all this, which is something I have tried to do for a while now, but thanks to the posts out here and amazing advise, i will try a different approach--going the route to see if it is because she is scared for him to go. I have tried it to an extent, but accept it when she shuts the conversation down. But my approach will be the way of "Why is it you shut me out at this point, have we not been able to discuss anything?"

Beretta,

It sounds like your wife is blinded by her sense of responsibility for her dad! She has effective iced you out,

She doesn't want any help from the outside. However, she wants you to give her a break! What? She can get a break by hiring someone.

Your situation is not entirely like Dagan's

His mom presumably needed help which his wife did while he went to work For 5 years, he was evidently blind to the emotional abuse that his mom was dishing out on his wife.

Them, one day his wife had enough and left sending him a message at work through someone that she was gone and why. That was a wake up call for him. He thus moved a lightening speed to move his mom out on her own and through a medical evaluation it was found that she didn't need all of that help at home to begin with.

His mom is out and his wife and him are back in contact and hopefully home by now and he found therapy helpful in all of this.

From what you have shared, your wife is the blind one and the one doing all of the caregivivng which for whatever reason she feels that she must do the hands on personally herself. She may even be blind to his current and future care needs, but that is not what is important right now.

Amidst all of this, you are feeling abused and you, understandably, want your wife back.

Your between a rock and a hard place with her not even being willing to talk with you.

What is going on here as far as the bigger historical picture goes? Has she always been this tough to talk with about your feelings? Has she always been the one in control? So far, this does not sound like a marriage that would be described as healthy in any sense of the word.

Weather you get therapy or not, which like everyone else I hope you do, I only see three possibilities. There may be more.

1. Value yourself more and take care of you with some reasonable boundaries of what you will and will not do anymore. (That is not going to make her a happy camper, but that is her problem. Boundaries are not meant for behavior modification or punishment. They are for self protection.) By doing this, you are putting yourself on a healthier path. What she does is what she does.

Know this, you didn't make her this way. You for sure can't control her. (no one can) and you can't fix her (that will only happen if she wants it to.)

2. The second possibility is the way of least resistance of doing nothing, sucking it up as your wife's "bat boy" or more bluntly like I saw \my MIL treat my FIL like a slave. My FIL passively went along without a complaint. He was so weak that he told his daughters that he saw the abuse they were experiencing at his wife's hands but he could not do anything about it. He's dead and his wife only misses him for what he's no longer around to do for her. Is that the kind of slave you want to become?

3. The third possibility is the most radical and the most painful to consider as well as do and that's the old "walk out the back Jack, no need to be coy, Roy" Now there are two types of leaving. There is the I hope you wake up leaving like Dagan's wife did. Then there is the goodbye leaving, you are on your own type leaving. If this situation is the breaking point, then there must have been some on going problems for some time that this has climaxed into, bur we can't deal with all that right now. You need to make some important, life changing choices.

We can't tell you which one to do. Each choice has their consequences that you will have to live with.

It does sound like you are at a three way intersection and it's your choice which path or road you choose. Once you choose a path, there is not much of a chance in going back and choosing another path.

You have a lot to think about. I really think you're thinking and deciding would be assisted greatly by seeing a therapist face to face and going over all of this with them.

The only advice I'd add about finding a therapist is that since you are having trouble with your wife, it may be a good idea to pick a male therapist if you think it would make any difference in your feeling free to open up based on them being a male or female counselor. I just mention that in case it may make a difference. That's not a problem for there are people with self-insight that tells them which one to choose and when they have done otherwise, they find that they can't open up.

All in all, it is all about choices and consequences. It's your choice what you are going to do or not do.

Keep in touch. I wish you the very best in your journey in this mess. You are not alone and you are loved as well as a valuable human being who deserves a much healthier marriage.

Love, prayers and cyber hugs

I do hope your attempt to talk with her helps for she should at least be willing to talk as one adult to another. I'd do that before pondering what I wrote about. Be careful of phrasing things in ways that might be heard as an attack. For example, phrases like "you make me feel ____________" is heard as an attack. Instead something like " I feel ______ when you do ______" You are owning your emotions with I statements instead of attacking the other person with you statements. I hope this is clear.

Responsibility to one's parents shouldn't preclude one from also feeling responsibility to one's marriage and children. While it's our first relationship, it shouldn't cause us to put it over the relationship we vowed to cherish with our spouse. In a perfect world. Practically speaking, the increasing needs of an aging parent often put us in constant reaction mode to the detriment of our families.

Your wife is dealing with work, her dad's needs (and her sadness at seeing him slipping away), you, home...etc. I would suggest that your approach avoid putting her on the defensive ("why is it you shut me out"). Perhaps start by discussing that you're both so stressed, life has become quite difficult for you both, that with the changes in your lives, you need to work together on some changes to deal with the new issues. When I was an overwhelmed,crazed person dealing with a parent living with me, my very wise husband affected changes incrementally. If he'd put me on the defensive, I'd have been out of the room. But if he'd just passively said nothing, I'd never have known how it truly affected him.

Another curve ball thrown at me. Now my OWN father who beat Pancriatic cancer 2 yrs ago now has been told he has prostate cancer, very early and treatable. Talk about head on a swivel. About a month ago when I learned of my wife's issues with her back, We discussed the future, as I did indicate i just cannot work full time and care for both her and my FIL. She understood then, but as she is still working with no back issues just stayed the course. Now I will re-hash that discussion, but saying that MY dad will need some of my attention with this, and see how she responds to our situation. My point will be simply put "We just cannot take care of everyone." I have brothers who will help with my dad, but I need to be part of that as well. Any ideas?

Your father comes before your FIL. This might be a good time to make that switch in attention and focus on your own family first.

Can you hire help with the housekeeping and yard work? With multiple people needing help, you have to look at what you and she need to do yourselves, and what you can get help for. As needs increase (and/or the caregiver has physical limitations), you have to re-examine your priorities and what you think you personally need to do.

One of the ideas of the many great ones out here was to get a bit of help.
So over the weekend we made arrangements for kids of my wife's brother's girlfriend to come in on one day we are both working to do cleaning of my FIL's room and main floor of house. That way he has both cleaning and company--and gives him a bit of a boost. So thanks out there for that!

I had a couple hours with my FIL before my wife got home from work. I brought up the AL idea to him. I was led to believe that he had discussed with my wife and was somewhat open to the idea. He tells me that he does not think moving into AL is a good one, and was supprised I brought it up. My feelings are that my wife tells me one thing and him another. At the beginning almost a year ago I aggreed to this situation as a Temporary arrangement while he transitions from his Home to AL. Now i think he is in for the long run, and I am frustrated. If this was the plan given to me from Day one, I would have not allowed it--not out of not loving him but for simple reason our Bungalow is 2 bdrm 1 bath--and there is no real privacy. Any suggestions as how to break the "AL" ice wall that is in fromt of me, by caregiver "gastank" is at 1/4 now and i am exhausted.

Beretta, keep in mind that your FIL has dementia. My "first rule of dementia care" care is to always verify the facts with someone else. In this case, that would have to be your wife.

This situation is downheartening, for sure. It may be that your wife was less than forthcoming with you at the outset because she knew how you'd feel and what you'd say. It may be that she "promised" her dad once that she'd never abandon him. It may be due to other issues you have no inkling of. Which is why you really need a therapist.

Overall, Beretta, your situation seems to be going nowhere but down hill. Please see a therapist to guide you through this maze, fog and whatever else is in this mess. We can only do so much from here online. You really need to see someone face to face for your own sake if for nothing else.

Had a bit of a break in things this weekend. I took my wife out of town to my nieces 16th Bday, while my FIL went to dinner with his son and girlfriend. My wife and I talked about things, and the future. She is nervous and scared about AL, but understands it will be better for FIL going forward; so I will continue my research into it. We also got to reconnect as husband and wife, we laughed and had a nice time--something she admitted we have been sorely lacking and she missed it. Overall I am back over 1/2 tank on my strength and am more positive as we go forward now!

So glad to read this. I had been praying for you in hopes some kind of breakthrough would occur. Try to find a way to make this happen more often, like weekly if you can, to reinforce this good outing and feelings it brought with it. Maybe son can come over or take him out or the cousin. I know it'd have to be someone she trusts so I thought maybe between these two you guys can get out more often, you need it. And it looks like it paid off with such a positive post. Here's hoping you two will continue to move forward.

This is very good news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your wife is "nervous and scared about AL." Then, maybe she and you need to visit one in your area so she can see as well as hear what goes on in one. Lack of knowledge often creates more fear than exists a reason for fear. Check it out.

I am glad that you talked about things, and about the future. I am really glad to hear that. While AL may never be BETTER for your FIL, these things have to be in balance with what is best for all 3 of you overall. I really is important that the needs of the marriage are in the equation as you try to create a balanced solution. I wouldn't focus on the hope that AL will be better for him, just good enough once the whole picture is considered.

Update: My wife works for family Doc, the same one my mother works with as RN. She called me to let me know that the Doc talked to my wife about my FIL and suggesting that he should go into AL, as he can see the stress in my wife both physically and mentally. But after i asked how her day was and anything new, my wife did not bring anything up. Do I push her or wait for her to bring it up with me--which anything to do with AL for her dad she keeps quiet about. I think it is good for her to hear from others, knowing it did not come from me, but waiting for her to respond or consider putting into action is frustraiting waiting for from her. Any thoughts?

I would not wait for your wife to bring it up. Her doctor has identified stress in her. If she's suffering from mental overload I think she needs you to be kind and generous and do some proactive work researching AL in your area. Tour places that are promising and help your wife narrow down the choices (if there are choices) and one will most certainly feel right for your FIL. I wish you lots of luck!

Timing can help - get a couple hours alone with her this weekend, away from home, to discuss. At home and after work, people are distracted, tired and less receptive to heavy conversations.

She may be dreading the task of getting an unwilling parent on board with the idea. Let her know that you will be beside her, helping her with this, if it would help her. And let her know that this doesn't mean she has somehow failed him, but that there comes a time when our parent's needs are greater than our ability to properly meet those needs.

I'm frankly quite disturbed by this dynamic. Sounds like your wife has no privacy in her relationship with her doctor? Boy, would that tick me off.

Good point, baba. Also, if she learns that his mom has conveyed this info, it could cause a strain in both their personal and professional relationship.

So your mother who works with the family doctor who you r wife also works for called you to tell you what the doctor said to your wife?

That is a big boundary breaker by her and puts you in an information triangle that I would not walk into. It would really not be good to say, "dear I got a phone call from my mother that your doctor is concerned about your stress level and says _____"

That would get you in trouble very quickly.

Instead of waiting, which has been going on way too long, I would be proactive. This is your life and marriage also. It's not all just your wife and her daddy.

This could also escalate into a mommy and hubby vs wifey and daddy in her eyes.

Aggreed. I have had discussions with my parents about my situations, and my mom is concerned for me, and wanted me to know. I am positive in the fact that my wife now is hearing from others she trusts. She asked for a "Pop free morning on Saturday" and I am taking her on a nice fall drive for a couple hours. We can reconnect again, blow off steam, and I will see if she opens up on her own to me. Will advise on Monday as to progress. Not confident but then she can always suprise me.