I used to be positive and outgoing. But now 3 years into it I am becoming bitter, angry and short fused. I say every day I will make a change but it seems to be worse. I don't mean to but it is over whelming. I try to remain cool headed, I don't get out of control, it is just the snide remarks I tend to mutter, my going off and cooling down out of the area and just my own blood pressure rising. I generally don't say anything if it is not what I agree with, much better than saying something. Does anyone else experience this? I do realize I don't have a lot of years left with my parent and I try all the time but it is the little things that bug the crap out of me. Mostly it is having a house full and no time alone with me and my wife. I have to now schedule weekends away from the place we have built for us. Dinners out are getting expensive. We had 2 hours to ourselves and I made a very nice meal like we used to do and it was heaven.... for 2 hours..... I work at home so there is not a lot of time away from all of it. Trying not to be angry but this whole situation of me being the care giver has turned me that way. I am trying to see his side of it but it goes right into the way he thinks it should be and not the way i want it to be. Feeling like a child at times.
Glad you and Mrs. TG are getting away for a vacation.
So yesterday he puts frozen meat in vacuum wrap in warm water in the sink to defrost about 1 PM for dinner. I find it 2 hours later thawed, so I put it in the fridge. Didn't want my family to get a bacterial infection from bad meat. I guess he wasn't too happy. Anyway, I was on travel last PM. he made dinner.... nice..... He grilled 3 burgers I made earlier and some of his venison sausage (over a year old).
So my wife tells me that was all he made. He give a burger each to my daughter, wife and my dad. He puts his venison in front of himself for his dinner (OK that is fine, it is what he wanted). While he starts eating his meal Dad says, cut 4 inches off of that 'll take some. My SIL doesn't answer him and keeps eating (this is what he wanted for dinner he made for himself), Dad goes and gets a bun and asks again for him again to cut 4" off and give him some so he could make a sandwich..... My wife was so taken aback she couldn't talk...... Yup, as we call them 2 "I" Mys" at the table, it is all about "I' or "my"..... Glad I was out for the night. Couldn't believe it....yes I can, they deserve each other.
Making reservations for the weekend to get away for a few days, can't wait. Celebrating 35 years!
I'm sure this isn't new. I just don't understand how I never used to see it.
Family is hard when the last stages come round to call on us. I can see their side of it and mine. It's hard because mental/emotional intelligence is robbed in the complications of elderlyhood. It's like grieving their death and our own sometimes as we traverse these choppy waters. We have a front row seat of what may happen to us after they pass in our own time. It also serves to remind us maybe we won't have to go through the same.
If I could wish and have it be so - it would be to have supportive siblings - not vicious blaming siblings who try and bash me at every turn while doing nothing but finding fault...I wish my mom and dad knew I was doing everything I can to help them and work while caring for them in a job I hate. I wish they cared that I had needs, wants and dreams of my own that I have given up on with hearing them (at times) speak horribly of me because they always have had to blame others for their own problems...they are immune. I wish they knew I lose sleep nightly when mom wanders downstairs asking me questions at 3am ...that I stay on top of her numerous meds and dispensing and refilling and picking them up - the endless doctor appts and holidays I spend with them because nobody else does because they dont care.
I wish they could see their wild mood swings & fighting with eachother over BS cause a sense of fear in their unpredictability, which leaves me uncertain if I can be in the house when it happens - as I get blamed if nearby - if I am away I get blamed for not caring.
I wish they would embrace the time we have and love me.
But I also want a pony...and that's not happening.
Sorry you are experiencing pain. I understand.
I went back to therapy and the woman told me its like counseling a woman who wont leave her abusive husband. With that - I realized she wasnt going to help me and I felt awful as I was trying to find ft work out of this place and leave - she didnt want to counsel me as it was a waste of her time if I was living in this situation.
Best
Everyone has seemed to fall into a sense of complacency here, food is always in the fridge, laundry is always available, toilet paper is in abundance and no one has to pay a dime. I get annoyed that I am taken advantage of. I get it dad has no extra money, then I wish he would live like he didn't have any instead of expecting me to fund him when he gets low. Or use my account to have dry cleaning done.
I expect they all think I am wealthy since I am going on vacation next week. The thing is I have worked my butt off this year and made more money (working multiple jobs) despite the added costs to my home.
I keep considering therapy but like you mentioned if I am not ready to "throw the bums out" they wont help I am afraid. Just thinking of vacation has made me happier. Still dealing with people doing what ever still is keeping me stressed.
The SIL fixed the truck, not without me borrowing a computer to diagnose it (he has one just doesn't know where it is) and advice on how to repair it. But at least it is running. Just wish they would put effort into finding a house!
Came home very late (12:30 AM) from vacation only to find my dog in our bedroom and pee all aver the carpet. Cleaned up the mess and shampooed the carpet in the AM. They went to bed and put my dog in the room early. She has a schedule but not adhered to apparently. Oh well, so much for relaxation.
Looking forward to the next vacation. We spent the next day cleaning (wasn't too bad), shopping, replacing the food that was eaten while we were gone. It is amazing that no one can replace what they eat when they are not providing any support.
As for worrying any longer I am trying not to. I do what I have to do for us. Not worrying about the others who are now sponging off us.
Finishing up my building project and catching up on work. Need a longer vacation next time.
But it is a choice. And - if I may say so without sounding harsh - it isn't really a mystery, is it?
because you decided it would be that way. You do have other choices, like charging dd and sil rent, setting firmer limits on their behaviour in the house, evicting them, placing your dad.
It is totally your choice - your decision.
Nothing could be further from the truth (at least in my case).
Hard feelings? Towards you? You're practically a saint in my book! I feel BAD for the fact that your are suffering (needlessly, I think) from a situation that you don't seem to be able to find your way out of.
From what you've told us, having additional deadbeat adults in your home is affecting your physical and mental health; it has also caused your dear wife to have a health crisis of no small magnitude.
But you won't take action to make your home your own again. To your and your wife's detriment.
For me, your saying that you think others are having hard feelings towards you was something of an eye opener to me; it tells me a bit about how you evaluate the effect that your behavior has on others. It's not an accurate take on reality, and is probably a big factor in your inability to move on any of your wishes.
I hope you can hear the love and the worry in this post, TG, both for you and for your wife. Please find a way to get yourself some real help.
It is understandable that you can't box your way out of a paper bag right now.
I'm tired, exhausted and burnt out. Iv not been cooking much, everyone is on their own lately. This is all my own fault. Trying to get them to move to get a place is nearly impossible. We are closing in on a year at this point. 2 weeks has turned into 10 months. I feel bad for my daughter since she picked a loser....I called it from day one but no one listened......
Sorry to hear what you are going through. Your family is extremely lucky to have you. I know its hard taking care of an elderly parent and your daughter. We all want to do the right thing and yet at times feel depressed, sad, overwhelmed and tired of it all. Its only natural and normal.
I don't know if this was mentioned before. I know you already have a full plate. But have you considered talking to a counsellor, social worker or joining a support group. Are there other resources in the community or through the church that could help you.
I grew up having no boundaries. Always trying to please everyone in my life. Feeling bad when I got stuck or taken advantage of, when it was only a matter of standing up for myself. I know its easier said than done. One can't just walk away from our responsibilities but try to look for other options. Try to get some respite care. Need to take care of yourself mentally and physically as well.
I'm curious what a professional assessment of your father's need would be.
My daughter has been advised to tell her husband to get help, get involved or get out. She told him that last night. At least she and I can talk.
I can't believe I am in the middle of all this drama.....
You say that you want help. "Help" could be had by taking yourself to a counselor or therapist. I can't think of any other sort of help that would "help" in this situation. Unless you are magically expecting your siblings to step up.
Your siblings seem to be able to set boundaries with your dad; have you asked how they do that?
You say that your dad is not "cognitively impaired". I've read your previous posts, ones from last year, in which you seem describe someone who has the beginnings of dementia. Every single poster told you to get your father evaluated for that.
Your dad needs an assessment. If he's got a cognitive issue going on, moving him into a supportive environment is the BEST thing you can do for him. If he doesn't, then you find him a senior apartment based on his income.
For the sake of your wife's mental and physical health, your dad needs to move. Because, if he doesn't, she, your wife, will. Please think about that.
I'm so glad that you're making progress with your daughter's situation.
Didn't you already set a timeline for your d and sil to move out? Since your d has put up with sil to this point, just how effective do you think her timeline to her husband is going to be? (I'm guessing not very effective.)
I don't understand why you have to have your father live with you. I like BarbBrooklyn's advice in the post above.
You wife has health issues. Your wife comes first. I see it as clearly choosing your father over your wife. How will you feel when she has a health setback because of this?