I used to be positive and outgoing. But now 3 years into it I am becoming bitter, angry and short fused. I say every day I will make a change but it seems to be worse. I don't mean to but it is over whelming. I try to remain cool headed, I don't get out of control, it is just the snide remarks I tend to mutter, my going off and cooling down out of the area and just my own blood pressure rising. I generally don't say anything if it is not what I agree with, much better than saying something. Does anyone else experience this? I do realize I don't have a lot of years left with my parent and I try all the time but it is the little things that bug the crap out of me. Mostly it is having a house full and no time alone with me and my wife. I have to now schedule weekends away from the place we have built for us. Dinners out are getting expensive. We had 2 hours to ourselves and I made a very nice meal like we used to do and it was heaven.... for 2 hours..... I work at home so there is not a lot of time away from all of it. Trying not to be angry but this whole situation of me being the care giver has turned me that way. I am trying to see his side of it but it goes right into the way he thinks it should be and not the way i want it to be. Feeling like a child at times.
My sister and her husband lived close to Mom and her husband (I won't call him stepfather because he was the most hateful man I ever met. He believed everyone was beneath him, especially women and anyone not a WASP male and he criticized most of them too) He didn't hesitate to say whatever he believed, in public. It was embarrassing! They drove him to doctors, took care of his yard, repaired things, picked up his garbage - never a thank you, never a compliment, and always "superior". He treated doctors and nurses with contempt. He didn't deserve any help and they only did it for Mom. He was of perfectly sound mind which made it even worse. No, someone who is mean like that, doesn't deserve help from loving relatives.
Researching ways to get him help, talking with my daughter. This is not what I need....... He says he is going to AA and not drinking, they both have to get counseling which he is going... that is it, moving to the beach and a 1 bedroom shack with my wife! Oh I wish!
Daughter and SIL still dealing with their issues. Daughter finally opened up to us. She has 2 short range plans, get a place very shortly, either with him or without. He is not helping with finances, keeps his money for himself. So we are helping her find a place she can afford on her own and him not in the picture. He has been dry for 5 days he says, it is a start, we will see how this week or today for that fact goes. She is very open with us for the first time so we are listening and offering our experiences (not telling her what to do) and our support. He has used up all of his lives so now one slip and he is out. We have a plan in place how to handle it. He has his guidelines to follow, is in AA, the next step is for him to get into a program or go and live with his parents.
I am tired, stressed and angry. He has wasted 10 years of my daughters life and I don't want him around anymore. This is tough especially in my own home. So now it is my rules or go. She stays.
And I thought I had a tough time with dad.......
I do challenge your assumption that dad cannot live on his own. My mom gets $700 month social security - her 2 bedroom apartment is pegged to her income, she is on medicare and Medicaid etc. She gets food assistance. her only expense is car & gas and she has plenty leftover each month for that. I know this because I had to say "NO MORE" each month when she spent her money at the casino and now needed rent money, gas money, etc. Get him out. Visit and be his son, but he is healthy and going to be under your skin for years and years.
So where is back home, is that where your sister lives? Is there some reason you can't find him a place there near all those "helpful" relatives?
I don't understand why your father has to live with you. Why can't he stay with your sister the nurse?
You and your wife deserve some peace and quiet. Or don't you?
TG, what does concern me about your daughter remaining in your home is there will no doubt be continual upheaval if they split up.
Sending you good vibes, TG.
I agree that dealing with dad comes afterwards. He does not sound respectful of you or grateful for what you do for him. Honestly it doesn't matter what your family think about what arrangements you make. They are not making any sacrifices and I don't see any of them being supportive in any way. People can make friends at any age if given the opportunity.
Keep up the good work!!!
You're a people pleaser. I should know. I'm one too. We give and give and give...and then we blow. Counseling helps. Antidepressants
(which are NOT tranquilizers) help too. Get someone else's perspective on this, TG. Before you self-destruct.
He's taken care of his father for how many years now? Seems like the father could tolerate a change in living environment. And I think his wife needs all the hangers-on living somewhere ELSE, especially now that she has health problems.
( She had to go....this was no way for us to live ) but I'm still not the same person I was before. I don't think I will ever be the same. They say time heals all wounds......I'm thinking it doesn't......
Hit with snow this week so he is not going anywhere. He drives back home so he can be treated like a king returning home (like life here is so bad).
Keeps mentioning food we don't eat that he wants, "go ahead make what you want". I cook every night, I cook enough for everyone, if you don't like it so be it. My shopping, my cooking.... I cook what my wife and I like and I make family favs all the time like last night for our daughter, Friday corned beef for the Irish side. I really don't think I am a bad guy but after a day of plowing multiple driveways and dealing with all my own snow and being sick on top of it and my busy month for work I get grouchy, then I am told I am "grumpy".... Yeah, I just want to be sick on my own couch and be left alone for a while.
We have a plan in place for when the SIL falls off the wagon, it will be out the door and call his parents to come get him. Not going to deal with another day of this. If he keeps himself clean fine but he is not going to change. She knows it and so do we. I am prepared to deal with it the day it happens. My daughter and wife are number 1 now.
As far as me I am handling it pretty well. Thought Id be all stressed out. Now that we have a plan and daughter is talking with us I feel better.
As for dad there is no choice I am the caregiver, no one else in the family cares so its left up to me. I dearly love my dad and the thought of him living on his own would tear me up with guilt. Just because I love him doesn't mean I have to like it. It is what I have to do.So if I can get through this and survive......... And for him to live with the sibling nurse? That is not going to happen. no way no how. She wont have it nor will her husband for sure. That is apparent since hmmmm the beginning with him, another story for another time.
If you asked me 6 years ago what would things be like in my house this would not have been it..... even 3 years ago....... I am still keeping the hammer down not picking it up. As for dad, he has been laying low lately. I am taking his issues in stride.
WTH, this is the time where I am supposed to be care free between kids out of the house and future grand kids...... Guess not......
Wonderful that your dd wants her own place. That is healthy.
Your dad is sensing the changes you have made and deciding to stay out of the line of fire. That is good. I am glad you are cooking what you want to and not catering to him. I hope he does go for a visit somewhere - maybe he will stay there. I expect he is seeing that you are not going to be pushed around by others any more and watching his butt.
As to "WTH, this is the time where I am supposed to be care free between kids out of the house and future grand kids..." many of us are finding that our lives are not turning out as we expected.
"Supposed to" is not a guarantee. Here am I who will be 80 in the summer, still a caregiver (thankfully at a distance) for my mother who is coming up 105 in May. This certainly was not my plan for my life.
All we can do it make the best of it. Congratulations on the positive changes you have made. Keep it up!
Starting to make more time with my wife. Will do a date night tonight to get out of the house with her and a little dinner out.
Still miss making nice quiet dinners at home with her, I guess I will be old a gray when I can do that again.
As for the kids moving out not sure when that is going to happen. SIL has gotten very comfortable........ Need to make him uncomfortable soon.
So, you are "letting the little things" go? Your children cooking an eating dinner at your table is a "big" thing?
TG, it feels to me like you are having vast swings of mood. You are copacetic and calm one minute and in a rage this next...and when I read what you are raging about, I don't see the boundary that has been crossed.
That doesn't mean that it's not a major boundary in YOUR word view; I'm just saying that your daughter probably doesn't see what she's done wrong. Nor would I. Your anger doesn't appear rational, given that you INVITED your daughter to come live with you, right? You didn't expect her to eat at your table, preparing her own food?
I want to share a tidbit from my therapist, from when my kids were young. I was in grad school, juggling an abusive husband, three young kids, a part time job and the prospect of a very demanding career.
I was moaning to Dr. L one morning about my young kids. He stopped me. "Mrs. S, you haven't begun to experience parenting until your children start bringing home inappropriate love objects (I.e., significant others)".
TG, please get yourself some help before you stroke out.
I brought this on myself thinking differently I guess. Hoping dad would split time between sibs as was offered. Thought maybe a month for the kids as they said.... I should have investigated further. When mom died I went into caretaker mode, blinders on I guess. My own fault but this is the first time for me so I didn't know what to expect.
Its like last night, I am making dinner, everyone knew it, I get dinner done the kids don't come down, they are all set. Not sure why, I guess I upset him..... It's not them not eating it is I could have made less if I knew they were not eating. I guess I just expect someone to let me know is just being too oppressive.
I hear the other issues people are going through and I have to step back and appreciate what I have. It is hard when I am in the middle of it all.
Trying to be calmer and let it roll. I don't lash out of show anger, (I do get grumpy or quiet). I just vent here because there is no other place to vent..