I used to be positive and outgoing. But now 3 years into it I am becoming bitter, angry and short fused. I say every day I will make a change but it seems to be worse. I don't mean to but it is over whelming. I try to remain cool headed, I don't get out of control, it is just the snide remarks I tend to mutter, my going off and cooling down out of the area and just my own blood pressure rising. I generally don't say anything if it is not what I agree with, much better than saying something. Does anyone else experience this? I do realize I don't have a lot of years left with my parent and I try all the time but it is the little things that bug the crap out of me. Mostly it is having a house full and no time alone with me and my wife. I have to now schedule weekends away from the place we have built for us. Dinners out are getting expensive. We had 2 hours to ourselves and I made a very nice meal like we used to do and it was heaven.... for 2 hours..... I work at home so there is not a lot of time away from all of it. Trying not to be angry but this whole situation of me being the care giver has turned me that way. I am trying to see his side of it but it goes right into the way he thinks it should be and not the way i want it to be. Feeling like a child at times.
There are so many things that could be causing your wife's symptoms and I have to admit stroke was not on the top of my list, but I hope it is nothing more than stress and can be fixed with a little R&R.
Keep putting that wonderful woman first and yourself at a close 2nd, be d*mned with the rest of them. ((HUGS))
You r going to make yourself sick with all this stress. I had to bring my Mom to my house because her Dementia had progressed where she could no longer be alone. I hated it. Why? Because out of four kids I was the one who was always there. I helped t raise a Gson while his Mom finished school. They lived with me for 3 years and my house looked like a tornado hit it all the time. Mom is in an AL at the moment. It's better but we r still restricted when it comes to vacations. Mom is a fall risk and someone has to be there at the hospital since AL personnel cannot go with her. That means I have to make sure someone is available if she falls again. My retirement has been babysitting another Gson right into 24/7 with Mom. The last few months have been nice and like posted I have slept better.
You and wife need to get away and talk things thru. The kids can watch Dad.
But I'm cracking. I have cold sores all the time. I didn't have them for years! And I need knee replacement surgery. I mean, it's bad. It's been bad for the last year. I don't want to have the surgery and then be trapped in the house, immobile and on painkillers, needing to take care of myself, just have some peace and quiet... and Mr. Ready to Trot is sitting right there with me. And my pain is pretty bad at this point. That's not helping. I'm getting irritable. I'm fighting off the old man in meaner ways... and I hate myself after. I'm starting to resent this situation I'm in.
I told my husband I need the surgery. Like yesterday. And he has been wonderful. He's said all along that I should just get it done and "we'll deal with it." But I'm not feeling hopeful. I'm about to go through major surgery and risks, and I'm stressing, and... I'm turning into someone ungrateful and mean. Thanks to everyone for all the good advice in this thread. It's just what I needed. I guess I have to grow a spine and stop pretending to be Suzy Sunshine.
You need to tell your daughter and sil that they are leaving Feb 28th, or sooner. (Your daughter likely came home in the hopes that someone would tell her to ditch this loser. If you're not going to oblige her, then just kick them out and make her start to own her choices).
You need to pack up dad' s car and send him to one of your siblings. "My wife has been diagnosed with a serious, life -hreatening condition. Someone else needs to care for Dad now. We did our bit. No, I can't discuss her condition. Her doctor says she needs complete rest. Dad will be there in 2 days. Here's his cell phone number".
Don't overthink this.
Just do it.
One day you have to decide for yourself do you want to be happy or is it so important to you to "do the right thing" that it's worth ruining the rest of your life.
I am not liked very much by Hub's family but you know what? That's A-okay with me cause if I had done what they expected, my Hubs and I would probably not be together anymore and for what? So I can make a bunch of selfish people like me? Not worth it.
It sounds like the issues with you and your dad are longstanding and are based on interpersonal incompatibility. That's pretty tough to work out after all these years, especially, if you are the only one working on it. And with your dad being of advanced age.....how likely is he going to change? Waiting for things to magically improve or dad to see the light, become more in line with what you think he should be, etc. is likely not going to happen.
I'd figure out what is really important to you. Are you going to just keep stewing in it and be the martyr or have him move elsewhere? There are ways to get him out of your house. It's doable. Seniors with limited funds are helped through programs all the time. If you want to, and just need the courage, then, I'd see a counselor to help build some skills to help me.
I'm sure you know that staying in a constant miserable state of mind is NOT good for your physical or mental health. What happens if you become disabled?
No one can make you address the situation. Perhaps, you'll do it when you are ready.
Id love to pack all the cars and say out! But it is not in me, I am a giver I guess. Anyway, the time has come for me not to care about the other adults in the house. If I want it done I just say it now. Yesterday after I plowed 6 driveways with 15 inches of snow I come home to see my wife shoveling snow and our daughter with a shovel in hand helping but the SIL standing there. She had asked him to help but he likes to wait. We don't wait the snow gets worse when it stays. so she was out there, so while I come in the driveway I say to him he needs to be doing it. Oh that didn't go well but did I care? No, I told him my wife is NOT to be shoveling, it is his job now. So now he is getting counseling, this is what hippie up bringing does to your kids, you end up coddling them. That is the way he was brought up. Well it doesn't bode well in my house. "Get it done and get it done now" is my motto.
I am concerned with my wife now, Everyone else takes a back seat. Do what you want but don't bother me with your crap. Took some time to get there but really I don't care anymore. It's take care of your own crap now, I am not listening and I am not caring. I do things for my daughter because she is my daughter and she appreciates it. If she doesn't then it will stop. As far as SIL, he needs to buck up because I don't care anymore. As far as dad, what ever. Dinner is here at 6, do what you want but take care of your dog, we are not doing it anymore. I figure if I get grumpy enough they will all leave! ..... I would.....
I bought a couple of fitbits for the wife and me, time to get moving and take care of ourselves!
Tired of worrying about everyone else. Its us time now.
Hm. Baby steps, I guess...
TG - You need to be firm and assertive - not nice and patient. You have done enough of that. Why wait 30 secs to tell sil to take a hike. Now is a good time.
The stress has affected your wife's physical health and both of your mental/emotional states. What are you waiting for - something worse in the health department? I am glad you are considering counselling . When what you are doing isn't working, try something else.
Your dad is a narcissist. You can't expect anything reasonable from him. He will take all you give him and expect more. That is the reality. Very few families are like the Waltons. Do what you want to do without catering to him. Detach!!! Let go of the codependency. That is not being mean - that is being healthy and you will feel better when you do look after yourself and your wife.
One thing. My ex husband is a jerk of the same school as your SIL. He did not have hippy dippy parents, not by a long shot. He's got a personality disorder. So does SIL. Hoping your daughter wakes up to this soon.
I'm suggesting you think about this because the tension in your home isn't healthy for any of you. And if you'd be able to make these changes because she's ill, then perhaps you are able to make them before she (or you) get that ill.
Also, in my experience, it's inevitable that you have to set boundaries with a narcissistic parent. At some point, you will reach "done." It is far better to start doing this while your dad is younger and healthy, than later on.
Do it NOW not after you have been to counciling that can come later.
Give daughter and SIL an eviction notice. Write them a letter with and end date when their stuff will be on the front lawn. If you have to pay their first month's rent so be it. It will be a good investment. If you wait for the "right" moment you know it will never come for you.
Stop enabling Dad, if he can't afford it he can go without, you need that money to pay for someone to do the housework to ease wife's load. What happened to her was beyond serious it needs to be followed up with a specialist. You know she has a family history, if I was close by I'd be tempted to take you by the scruff of your neck and shake you.
Make rules for Dad and make him abide by them no excuses. He is a senior on a limited income so he can qualify for all kinds of help. Take a day off and take him to your local elder care agency and see what resourses they can recommend and then to social services and request help. Tell them you wife just had a stroke and you can no longer have him in the house.
By the way a TIA is a stroke. It is called a TIA because it did not progress and was over in 24 hours. It could have progressed to a full blown disabling event. What would have happened then?
At least in our area of NYS there are several apartment buildings where the rent is income based.
Look at his income to see what his money can reasonably cover and if necessary be prepared to pay for things like utilities or some groceries but only if he could not possible afford them himself. Do not give or lend him money. Look around and see if there are any odd jobs he could do. I know Walmart has stopped having people greeters in their stores but that is the kind of work he could do.
You have become the adult in this situation so you call the shots never mind how mean you feel.
Try to let yourself blow off steam. Maybe a walk with some deep breathing. I was starting to feel concerned for my health because of stress and anger. Exercise helps. Good luck. It really is a game changer.
God bless you, you ARE in a situation where being angry does not make you "mean" - you have legitimate reason to be angry! Dad will never stop being self-centered and poorly if at all responsive to anything you would like to have gotten emotionally or practically from him. That's aggravating, and that's sad. Please do not feel bad about feeling bad - being upset and angry is because you care about people and have a hard time watching others fail to do so. SIL may in fact respond to getting care for himself and firm limits being set, no enabling - daughter probably should go to AlAnon and you could too. Tough love is both tough and loving - you really don't help people by being a nicey-nice doormat and pretending not to be angry.
Giving dad some work on my addition. He seems happy to be doing something physical. I wish I had a place to make him a shop but for now I moved the cars out so he can do some minor work in the garage. Helps me helps him.
I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel? Been a difficult few days with snow in where we are. 2 days of plowing for me, tired of the snow. SIL still not much help around here. I just ignore it..... cant change him so I just ignore what I see. I tried to help guide him but I get tired.
Letting dad help with some of the work seems to make him happy, I just have to grin and bear it. I do appreciate his help and tell him so. It was just while I was working on the inside of the addition and he got up on a ladder. after scolding him and tell him he would have to live with one of my siblings if he fell and got hurt he got the message. Its like having a toddler around, turn you back and they are up doing what you said no!
I love what I do and the only time I become resentful is when I am on burnout mode so thats when I take a break and regroup. My breaks have been taking longer since I have been doing this for 20 years now.
Best wishes to you!