My mother has been living in my home for the past six years. She is in good shape financially and in relatively good shape physically. Her state of dementia is severe. Most of the time, having her here is doable. I am able to have a caregiver during the day for about five hours/day. The struggle is what is the right thing to do. I have always believed in the concept of caring for our ageing parents. When I read the comments from folks on this forum, I almost feel like a fool. It seems that most of what I read on this site encourages family members to put their LO in an appropriate facility. At times, when she is whining incessantly, and I just want some space, I think that a facility is the answer. Then, I agonize over how poorly it would work for her. She is needy, like a child needing constant attention. I had her in senior day care and she was kicked out because they couldn't give her the attention she was demanding. I know that she is happy here with me and my husband. Am I being an idiot for not putting her elsewhere? The internal struggle is so difficult because I know that having her here affects us all. My daughter, who has been here for the past year due to Covid, has really bonded with her grandmother. My daughter adores her grandmother and the time that she spends with her. The antics that my mother exhibits drives me crazy and my daughter is able to see humor and be compassionate. I can be that way much of the time, but then there are those days when she is going through her late afternoon craziness and I just want her gone. I know that she will continue to deteriorate. She has since I first moved her into my home. I just don't know what decision I can live with internally. For a little background, my father was dying and I drove him across the country and into a facility for his last month. He didn't want to die away from family. I saw him sporadically while he was still alive since it was an effort to find the time to be with him. That was two years ago. To this day, I suffer that I wasn't available for those final weeks. It haunts me. I don't want to feel that way with my mother.
There is a fine line between having your Mothe relive with you and allowing her to manage your life by her physical, emotional, and psychological needs. The decision will have a positive effect on your life and hers, not to mention your daughter, and spouse!
Be well!
I do want urge you to be sure you are tied in to your husband's feelings. My ex-husband is the one who decided my Mom would live with us in a granny apartment. It was the "straw that broke the camel's back". I ran away from home and divorced him. I used to say, "My mother and my ex life together". I would laugh and then explain she was in a granny apartment.
How much actual care does your daughter give her grandmother? Maybe she needs to do more hands on care. As others have suggested, maybe meds for Sundowner's would help.
There is no right or wrong answer to your dilemma. But, please listen to what your husband and your body are telling you. I hear that up to 40% of caregivers die before the one they are caring for.
((HUGS))
that is when you decide.
There are those people here on this site who will tell you what you SHOULD do, as if there is only ONE 'right' answer, I've seen it here in the comments. That's nonsense. There is no one 'right answer'. You are not a 'fool' for caring for your mom at home and you're not a fool for placing her in a Memory Care AL. Elders who live in Memory Care are not 'alone' and they are in good company with others who they can be friendly and interact with. So those who paint this horrible picture of life in the dungeon of Memory Care don't know what they're even talking about.
That said, you know it's time to place your mom when you feel depressed; at the end of your rope and like you can't or don't want to go on any longer. Because YOUR life is of equal value to HER life. You know it's time to place your mom when she's no longer safe in your home; if she is able to get outside and wander away or into chemicals to make her sick. Or if she's reached a point where she's playing with her feces and then refusing to shower. Things can and often do reach that point with AD. Then you can't be expected to handle that degree of illness and she has to be placed.
In the meantime, keep emotions out of the equation, if possible. Know that if you do place her, you haven't 'abandoned' her and you'll be a frequent visitor. You'll go back to the role of being a daughter instead of a caregiver. When I go visit my mother in Memory Care I bring her pretty blouses and special treats to eat, or something homemade that I've cooked. I used to take her out to dinner before she became wheelchair bound and too hard to muscle around (she's a large woman). I speak to her every day (in general) on the phone and manage her medical affairs and everything else from my desktop. It's hardly 'abandonment' and there's no guilt involved at all.
I suggest you get some counseling to deal with the 'haunted' suffering you still feel about placing your dad. Having the feeling that we can or should be able to prevent our loved ones from dying or that our presence will somehow affect their end of life experience is something you need to purge yourself of. When my father was at the very end of his life, I chose to go home and wait for The Phone Call from hospice b/c I did not want to witness him taking his last breath and be left with that as my final memory of my father. I'm glad I made that decision, to this day, and know that it did not affect the outcome of when or how he passed. He's with God and at peace, and for that I'm happy. He's with me in spirit every day of my life, and for that I am grateful.
Whatever you decide to do about your mom's care, you'll still BE caring for her; either at home or in Memory Care.
Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with the decision and accepting that it's the right one.
The goal is to prevent premature placement into a SNF while living at home, which provides respite for the family.
They will pick her up in the early am, take to the center & bring her home in the afternoon. Kinda like she was going to school, however, she’ll receive all her meds, appropriate exercise & activities to meet her individual needs & the appropriate care based on her doctor’s diagnoses.
They offer breakfast, a snack & lunch. By the time she returns home, she’ll be tired & you can discuss her day during dinner.
The centers are regulated by the Dept of Aging, so the care is top notch.
I mention this because adult day care isn’t able to provide that level of care or attention. Adult Day Health Care does & can.
I applaud you for your love & devotion to your mother! I would assume she was a good mother which is why you feel this way. My mother is a horribly abusive borderline still in a hospital setting because SW is having difficulty placing her. She’s called the police on the hospital twice & driving everyone nuts. However, they declared her incompetent & have to find a legal guardian because I said no & explained why in writing. I agreed to be her decision maker until this process is completed & she’s safe in an AL. If it were my father who was 360 the opposite, I’d do everything I could for him because he did for me. I understand your not believing in sending your patents away. Which again, leads me back to an ADHC/CBAS in your area. Google it, if that’s not what mom previously tried?
I wish you the best & personally think your being too hard on yourself. Your a wonderful daughter. There is also a test called the Burden Interview given to CG’s to help assess the very question your asking.
I feel confident you will make the right decision for yourself, your family & mom because your asking the right questions now.
Best of luck🌹