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I have been a in home caretaker for going on 5 years now. I just retired this year after working at home for 2 years. I still have the frustration that goes along with being in this situation. I am pretty much alone with my mom all the time. When I moved in, anyone that was helping just quit. She rarely even gets a phone call from anyone anymore. Her sleep schedule, and mine are different, and she is always depressed. When I go to bed at night, I place her in God's hands, and when I am having moments of frustration, or resentment, I remember how many years that she fed me, bathed me, took care of me when I was sick, and how she loved me unconditionally. I remind myself that I am honoring her as God requested. I know that her years on this plane are not going to be much longer. I let her do her and pray that I can at least give he some joy with what time she has left. God bless you for your honesty, and for seeking help.
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You speak very highly of your mother and judging from how you speak of her there probably isn't a history of dysfunction and abuse between the two of you.
For many caregivers like myself taking care of an elderly parent, there was dysfunction and abuse from the time we were little kids.
There's nothing you can do about the other family members. No one can force them to help out.
What you can personally do for your mother is set up some homecare services for her. They will do her housekeeping, shopping, cooking, run her errands, and take her to the doctor's appointments.
Do your mother a favor and look into hiring some home/health aides. Or have the talk about her moving to assisted living. There are choices.
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tygrlly1 Jun 2022
Yes, my NPD mother has bullied and verbally abused not only my brother and myself when we were little, my handicapped father, and now again trying to ruin my marriage and bully me and my wonderful husband. I have just sent a letter to her ceasing contact after blocking her from my phone. I have done this periodically to have some breathing room..of course she relents and behaves for awhile until boundaries need to be placed again.
She has again sabotaged yet another chore SHE asked me to do...ordering a new walker for her and then waiting until my husband and I were enjoying a rare afternoon together to call and demand a different one..after it was put together by us and delivered with no comments by her about not liking it. She was mad and trying to again punish us because we didint take her shopping for one and just ordered the one she supposedly wanted. Just last week she refused an outing when offerred. I learned a lesson with that after we took her shopping for a new adjustible bed and mattress she wanted which had to be special ordered . She was told verbally and in writing that she had 90 days to return it. At 3 1/2 months she didnt want it because it was too hard ( the salesman and both husband and I told her it would not be good for her arthritis) . 3000.00 wasted without her batting an eye..and of course it was everyone's fault but her own.
Anyway, I am happy for those on this board who have loving memories and appreciative parents that they are caregivers for, because its a lot easier then to be more patient and loving. If my parent was declining and wicked because of dementia, and could not help it, I could be more patient and understanding. But when it comes to verbal attacks, head games and refusing to cooperate , she is sharp as a tack and has been that way all her life. So, for myself, and the rest of us, there are no warm fuzzies and desire to keep plodding ahead. I wish that could be understood by those who feel we are uncaring monsters when we look forward to finally being free from our emotional captors when they die, so we can finally enjoy the life we were meant to have. Sadly, all too often it is too late and we are physically , emotionally , and spiritually completely beaten down ...sometimes there is no money to hire caregivers, no one else able or willing to help, complete refusal to accept help by the parent from programs that may be available to help or caregivers not willing to stay because of the parents nastiness and head games.
I will again be talking to her Dr who has recommended psychiatric help and medication for her, which she has refused,...about getting POA activated before I need one for myself. Back to the mattress saga...She insists the (second) new mattress she is now sleeping on is 60 years old and that her Dr delivered me as a baby ( He is in his 40s ..I am late 60s) I mention that because I know there is dementia and cant even imagine what lies ahead ..I am past my breaking point.
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You are the generous and responsible one. You are to be commended for the love and care that you are giving to your mother. It sounds like you are suffering from caregiver burnout. Please don't resent your mother. She's also suffering and doing the best she can. But you also need to protect your own health (mental and physical). The best way to keep your own equilibrium is to accept people for what they are. Unfortunately, the other family members are not stepping up, but you cannot force them to do so. Would they be willing to kick in and pay for caregivers and a housekeeper that can take over some of the responsibilities so that you can get breaks? You should have a family conference about your mother's need for ongoing care, and she may need more care as her health declines. Your mother and you are at a point where you need to get help from government agencies. Get connected with a local social worker so that you know her and your options. There are 2 basic options: in-home care, or moving her to an assisted living facility, where she'll get professional care. There are federal programs that pay for family caregiving. She may be eligible for some hours of in-home help, paid by Medicare or Medicaid. Take any help you can get (caregiving, housekeeping, etc. ) Lock up the valuables in your mother's house if strangers will be coming in to her home. Are you also handling her financial matters? Make sure that all of her paperwork is in order. She should set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will if she has assets. Financial institutions (banks, etc. ) often have their own POA forms. And make sure the POA(s) are on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call with her sitting next to the POA. My mother made me joint owner of her accounts, which made things much easier. I set up everything online with automatic payments. Make things as easy as you can for yourself. All the best to you, and a big hug!
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Well just from my point of view, Try to look at it like this, you are lucky to have every single minute with her because when she is gone you are going to regret feeling any other way. I too found myself feeling angry and resentful While my brother left the blunt of the responsibility on me, while he ran around having a good time instead of helping. Then suddenly, she was gone. And unfortunately she knew that I felt like she was a burden and if I could take all that back, I would give anything to do that. And she didn’t ask me to take care of her I wanted to. I think part of us thinks That they’ll never die but that’s just us fooling ourselves.. My mother died in September 2018, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. And Now it’s one of those things if I knew then what I know now……
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Raskasha May 2022
I am sorry for your loss. God bless!
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upfront , when my FIL and MIL , got to the point they needed more help at home.. my BIL and SIL were planning my retirement… hard no..numerous times, and I fought hard to keep it that way. Didn’t mind the occasional- take mom to the dr- etc but being scheduled for duty, is the job I left after working since 15…

to expect your family members to help out, maybe they don’t want to , knowing they will become resentful of a commitment. Tied to it. Family members , are they your siblings ? My moms sister didn’t visit my mom in AL. And I didn’t EXPECT it… it simply isn’t, as just dropping in….

Things don’t get better, so protect yourself.. …………………………………

start getting things in place . Make sure all the legal POA s , will, living will, etc… I would be looking for a nice AL that will take Medicaid after a length of self pay, and one that has a memory care to transition to if ever needed.. I didn’t have a clue about the self pay criteria that some AL have. My hands were tied finding a place that would take Medicaid, when I moved my mom to my state.. I was fortunate, my moms memory care accepted her knowing she would be short a couple of months of self pay.
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This is pretty much what others have said, but it’s worth repeating in different ways.

1) You need to know your mother’s finances, and her approach to her finances. Does she realise that her money is principally for her own care – not to save to give other people an inheritance? Does she have enough to pay for the whole range of people who can be hired to do what you are doing now? Would it be cheaper for her to move to AL where one bill would cover many things? Or could she move to a smaller apartment where many of the services would not be needed? This is not ‘being nosy’. Money affects many of the options that are available.

2) Does she believe that ‘family’ should do everything without being paid? Would she be willing to pay you now as some recompense for work that you are willing and able to do? Would saving the pay for a splashy holiday every few months make you feel better about the whole deal? Less exploited? How would it go down with the siblings? Would they be willing to get involved, if it really was a deal?

3) Does she have a realistic idea about the joys (and costs) of a good AL? Have you taken her to lunch and showed her around at all the facilities and activities?

4) Are you hiding any feelings when you say that she is a “great lady - funny, kind, generous”. We have a long term poster who started years ago saying that he had ‘the greatest Dad in the world’ and was puzzled by his reactions, and now suggests that he was mislead about reality through most of his childhood and now things his Dad is one of the biggest users around’. Negative feelings are often very hard to confront.

All of these are questions worth asking, no matter what your answers are!
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"How do I work through my resentment..?"

That's a great starting point. You can ignore it & push it down. Or you can listen in to it. It's a message.

Resentment can mean we are giving too much.

It can grow into anger. Use this energy towards change.

There are a few ways to start. A lot will depend on yours & your Mother's style.

You can start the chat - to find out how really she is. Then what she is struggling with. Gently pointing out your help with different areas.

Next will depend on whether Mother has insight to her difficulties & how much you are doing for her - or not.

She may not want to be a 'burden' but not know what else to do! Discussing home care agencies or services can help. Some people start with 1 x week light housecleaning or shopping assist. Or a meal delivery service. It's a good way to stay at home longer.

But some consider themselves still 100% independent - despite growing dependence on a family member. May even have expectations family must do it (would never pay..)

Some caregivers restrict their time to one day a week. Run all the errands & appointments together all morning then clean & do chores all afternoon. Leave exhausted but job done. However, this may leave little time for just social visiting.

Other caregivers start the process towards downsizing, move to a smaller IL apartment. Then return themselves to primarily being a family visitor.

A friend has just done that now. Was concerned hearing Mother worrying about the roof, the plumbing, the heating, the garden. She was gettong all stressed & confused booking tradesmen. Friend said "It's time. Come check out these places with me". She was nervous but admitted she was quiet lonely too. A nice IL unit with a Friday night happy hour & a few social clubs might be just the thing.

What sort of style do you think would your Mother go for? Agree to more home help, or move? Is she reasonable, or will you have a fight on your hands?

Sorry for the wordy reply. I hope some of the replies & ideas can help towards positive changes.
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Just hugs to you. When you are seething inside it is very, very difficult not to let it show.

The fact that you describe your mother, who sounds *wonderful*, as funny and kind and generous and doing her best, makes me hopeful for both you. It isn't your mother you feel angry and resentful towards.

I second the calls to get back-up despite your do-nothing family members. Spend an idle moment trawling online through all the local services, like domestic cleaning, laundry collection & delivery, grass-cutting, cabs, just for ideas; the chances are that at least some will be relevant and affordable, and it'll take the pressure off you. Wouldn't it be nice to have supper with her and not have to vacuum first?
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Are you mad at Mom for her needs, or yourself for doing it all? As to being mad at the siblings, they have made the right assessment and choice for their own lives; you cannot change others. Give that up, and that alone should bring you peace.
Now decide how much time you can devote. If you are devoting too much time tell Mom that he current care level and needs is more than you can do. That she needs to consider paying others for some care, and/or placement. Have a good, gentle, honest, heart to heart talk. You are enabling this behavior. You will have to withdraw a bit so that Mom begins to handle more on her own. At the point she is unable that is everyone's message that she needs care and placement..
Get your Mom have a nice list of numbers, everything from Uber and Lyft to 911. And let her handle more things on her own. Go over her assets and resources so you can work together to lighten your load.
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There are a couple of sides to this:

1. Determine what your mother's financial resources are. Do not accept "that's none of your business". If you are being asked to provide unpaid support, you need to know what the possibilities are. Stand firm on this.

2. Determine what her care needs are--call the local Area Agency on Aging and ask fir a "needs assessment". Or ask her doctor to order one.

3. Keep your mind open to ALL possibilities. You are in control of your life and behavior, not mom.
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If you are always angry & resentful, then that attitude is going to translate to your mother and make both of you unhappy with the caregiving arrangement that's going on. It's not your 'other family members' responsibility or obligation to look after your mother, either.......that is wishful thinking on your part. I was an only child to both of my parents and the only person I could rely on to care for them. So right from the outset when I moved them to my state to be close to me, I set the record straight: they'd live in managed care b/c I would not be doing any hands on caregiving, nor would they be living in my home. I grew up with grandma living in my childhood home which ruined my childhood AND my mother's life, so I made the decision long ago to never take on that burden myself.

That said, I found a nice Independent Living senior apartment bldg for my folks which they lived in for 3 years. The IL had a mini bus that took them grocery shopping and to doctor appointments. I wound up taking them to some doctor appointments b/c dad had cancer and I wanted to be there. Walgreens was across the street for meds. After dad fell and broke his hip, I moved them into Assisted Living and took over their finances. After dad died in 2015, I kept mom in AL but downsized her into a smaller apartment, then off to Memory Care in 2019.

She had doctors in the AL but I was always involved in her care, rehab, hospitalizations, specialists, etc. Even though managed care did the hands on caregiving, I did all the rest and there is still A LOT to do.

Decide how you want to proceed from here on out. Should mom move into a senior IL like my folks did? With services/food and a mini bus? Giving you the option to let go of certain services YOU are providing for her now. Think about it. Or get her to hire in home carers, a housekeeper, or use a service/agency who will send out a caregiver 4 hours a day who will run errands, help with housekeeping, cooking, companionship, doctor appointments, etc. Mom can use her money to pay for such a service, of course. That will free you up and lessen your resentment and also your expectation that 'family' help you out. Family is useless, I have found, when it comes to 'helping' us out in any way, shape or form. Let go of that notion now and your future will be that much brighter as a result. As a rule, the only person you can count on is YOURSELF.

Wishing you the best of luck finding a compromise that works for both you and your mom. What you don't want to do is become SO resentful that you do wind up damaging your relationship as a result. It's not worth it.
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Maybe its time for Mom to downsize. Get a nice 1 bedroom apt that is easier to handle. Maybe a cleaning lady once a month. Call your Office of Aging about Senior Bussing. They can take Mom to Dr. appts. If she qualifies income wise. Maybe a car service. They can help you with other services
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JMAdeloye May 2022
Thank you. more great ideas! Think I am just too overwhelmed to get out of my own way.
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Great Question - we have not explored anything. Thank you. you got me thinking.
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A wise poster named Beatty here always says "Caregiving has to work for both parties."

The fact that your mom can no longer manage at home alone does NOT mean that you and her other family members must take up the slack.

What alternatives have you and your mom explored?
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Beatty May 2022
You are too kind Barb!

I have learned SO much from this forum & especially you! 🤗

Especially giving ourselves permission to say no to people when required.
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