My mom has severe osteoarthritis and has trouble doing the housekeeping, cleaning, vacuuming, laundry, shopping & other daily tasks for a few years now. She is now unable to drive. I am finding that I am always angry & resentful because I am the one taking care of all those tasks for her. I go to her house a couple times a week and take care of things for her after work and I take her to all her doctor appointments. I am extremely upset with other family members for not helping or even going to visit with her (even when I have asked). Mom is a great lady. She is funny, kind, generous and does the best she can physically. I do not want to feel this way & it is damaging our relationship.
Laundry can be sent out or the person that comes in to clean can do a few loads as well.
You can not expect others to help out, it would be nice but if you lower your expectations you will not be as disappointed.
So if you reduce what you are doing for mom to mostly driving her to appointments that is less on you.
Once your siblings discover that mom is spending money that may "eat into their in heritance" they might decide that helping out is not such a bad thing.
I miss mother-daughter time. It has morphed into mother-servant time, with too many shades of mother-caregiver time.
In the last few years, I have become more negative and pessimistic. I have my doubts my mother misses daughter time since she gets all her needs met and doesn’t have to pay someone.
I had to bathe my mom for years. I did not mind because mom was the center of my universe and she was the only person I ever loved.
Caregiving is very hard and it is frustrating, and it gets worse as she gets more infirm. You need to get educated what to expect and how to meet their needs. This includes bowel and bladder care. When mom's Alzheimer's was so bad I had to make certain she had a bowel movement every Tues, Thus and Sundays. I had her bowels down to a science. And you MUST make certain private areas are CLEAN or your loved one will get a urinary tract infection. If you cannot deal with this, then it is time to look into a nursing home and estate planning.
I was very fortunate I knew how to manage my mom's physiological needs. It is VERY HARD WORK.
Family members are going to expect one person to do the care. But you DO need to see an estate planning attorney--trust me it will save you a LOT of heart ache because your own family will become your worst enemy if you do not do estate planning. You want to have the house, properties, monies, etc., OUT OF PROBATE, and preplan a funeral or cremation because funeral homes WILL take advantage of your grief.
Mom died very peacefully and her skin was in perfect condition.
Please--PLEASE--get estate planning done while she is able. Establish power of attorney and a trustee. Get a Will done. Keep EVERYTHING out of probate.
From another point of view, it is very easy as a caregiver to believe these other people KNOW that you could use some help. That isn't the case, though, with people. Some have to be directly asked for a specific thing before they do it. They are not going to obligate themselves. So, if you haven't done so, try the direct approach with certain tasks. Get them all on a conference call or send a group email--- I need a little help. Could we work together to share some of the tasks at mom's house? I usually go on Tuesday to (wash clothes) and Thursday to (vacuum/dust). Maybe we would take turns on doctor appointments. She is really slowing down and can't manage all this on her own - and seeing you all more often would be wonderful for her.
It's very possible, be prepared, for the siblings to finally lay it on the line for you. If mom can't manage on her own, it's time to go to a nursing home. As I said, be prepared to be able to say thanks and hang up. Do not engage any further than that. There are people who will not take care of an elder person and no amount of arguing will change that. You'll be the only angry one. My guess is, you probably already know which sibling(s) will step up and which ones won't. The signs were always there if you think back, but you just didn't think about it before now.
If you get no help, then it's time to sit down and figure out the finances. Can mom afford to get a housekeeper once a week to do the big stuff. Maybe mom can continue with the little things like just keeping dishes washed up and counters wiped off. Get groceries delivered to her door - get her a wagon on the front porch for delivery people to put groc in and it's easy to roll into the house.
If you can free up some of your time for little things, you can have more actual visit time with her.
If mom has no finances for any hired help - when you have the family phone call, ask if they would consider pooling a little money to pay for some things you do. Those that won't physically help may go for that. Telling them that you will have to hire some help (if mom has money) may also generate a little flicker of light in regard to that golden cash pot called inheritance. Lots of kids out there don't want mom to use her money for medical or elderly needs so that might encourage a little assistance from them.
Try to avoid letting this ruin your relationships with them. If you continue to help mom, think of all the precious time you will have with her. They are the losers. And in the end, at least one of them will say out loud: I wish I had spent more time with her and you can say she really would have liked that.
Please try to let this go. Not for them but for you. It will consume your emotional energy.
I don’t know how far you travel, how long it takes, or how hard the chores, if you are at peace with your CONTRIBUTION you will be fine regardless of what your siblings do. The smallest chore is too much when it is done with resentment and anger.
You are looking at your siblings with anger and contempt…yes. But also jealousy.
They made a different decision than you. Perhaps it was because they had a different relationship with your mother than you did?
Perhaps they don’t want to spend time with you?
Perhaps they have personal issues in their lives they aren’t comfortable sharing…or abandoning.
Shockingly perhaps …but it is not your place to judge.
Stop trying to control others actions and focus on your own..
YOU decided to be moms everything. Along with your moments of anger you have had moments of joy and peace and contentment. Along with their feelings of relief from the burden they have had moments of guilt and sadness and regret. Let it go.
You can choose again when it is time. some people live long lives. Lives past their ability to care for themselves. It isn’t anyone’s fault. You have chosen to help her through the last years. Others have not. It is your choice. Again, you can choose again. When you are tired, it is the correct and safest action to find mom caregivers/housekeepers/facility care that relives you from the burden.
Going to visit her will be a wonderful thing. To simply be her daughter. Much more important than being her housekeeper….please let that sink in. A housekeeper is also a wonderful thing. However, a daughter is a true blessing. For awhile you can be both but sometimes we can only be one. It isn’t a failure to choose being a daughter. It is not a failure…it is a decision.
Give up on being upset with your family. They don't want to help and that's their right. Leave it alone.
I think you have burn out. Find help for your mom ASAP, whether she likes it or not. Spend time with her a daughter instead of a caregiver.
Take heed in knowing there are others like you. Many Blessings.
and also with this:
“Let’s see where your family will get their help when the tables are turned.”
My anger at them for not calling or sending cards the other 51 weeks finally came to a halt. A very dear friend made me realize I couldn’t change them or their ways. I had to change my thinking and understand that I was doing for mom what I needed to do. Once I could “accept” my siblings for who they are, my anger diminished.
It’s not and was not easy. But I’m much happier and so is mom.
even though you’re less angry, i want you to know that i’m going to kick your siblings’ butts.
and to you (and to your mother), i give huge hugs.
i wish you, missywho, to live a full life, with freedom and the chance to go for your dreams & goals. i’m sure your mother wants that for you too.
Then call a meeting of the other family members that you think should be involved. Tell them what you are willing to do and also tell them that you are unable to continue what you are doing. Be very clear that you simply cannot continue. Ask them what they are willing to do to provide the extra care that you can no longer provide. Be sure that all of you are aware that the list of things that your mother will need will continue to grow. Include in your conversation the cost of hiring a housekeeper (check with local businesses for costs first).
In our family, there were 4 sisters helping my mother. Two of them did most of the work. However, my oldest sister, who lives 2 1/2 hours away agreed to call Mom every day. I agreed to do the errands, including picking up prescriptions and groceries. I also arranged for monthly housekeeping service, which 2 of my other sisters contributed. It still left the other two sisters with much more to do than I did or my oldest sister did, but the two of them did have less to do. We also made inquiries into which assisted living and nursing care facilities would be appropriate when/if it became necessary. Bear in mind that your mother should pay for some services, like the housekeeping services, if she can. If there is no money look into what your county or local senior services center will provide.
Stepping back could save your relationship with your mother. It may also save your relationships with other family members.
In my mind the perfect role for me to have taken would have been to visit her weekly in her residential care and take her flowers and treats and take her for drives and let the staff do all the cleaning and cooking. My other sisters wanted Mom to stay in her home. So they ended up doing a lot of work to keep her there.
You may end up needing to balance your mother's perceived quality of life against your own exhaustion. Keep your own health and sanity in mind when you consider that balance. Perhaps your mother in a good facility with a caring daughter who visits might be better than your mother in her own home with no family but the one daughter who resents being there. If I were your mother I would want to have the one daughter caring enough to visit me and cheer me up rather than living alone and grumpy with a resentful daughter who does the work but has no energy to chat, enjoy a cup of tea with me, or tell little stories about things that are happening in her life. If your Mom is the great lady you describe, you both need to be able to enjoy each other's company. You can only do that if you choose wisely what and how much you can do. Your Mom should eventually adjust to changes if you explain that the changes are necessary to keep you both healthy and happy.
Give up on being upset with your family. They don't want to help and that's their right. Leave it alone.
I think you have burn out. Find help for your mom ASAP, whether she likes it or not. Spend time with her a daughter instead of a caregiver.
My mother has put me on her POA for medical and financial decisions. She has also transferred all her assets to my name, along with all the responsibilities for those assets. I have a fantasy that when she passes, I will not have a funeral or service, I'll just send them an announcement. I feel guilty about being so angry and resentful, but they are only exhibiting pretty much how they treated me when I was just a child.
My Mom is loving, funny, generous and has been good to all of her children. I cannot resent her and I treasure each day she is still with us. Someday, if I outlive my mother, I will be able to communicate to my siblings what my mother never had the courage to say to her other children. That fantasy keeps me going. It's my little evil treat. Be sure to take care of yourself, after all, you need health and energy to care for your parent. Hang in there and recognize that you are a loving child to a wonderful parent. You done good.
I helped mom care for dad in his last year of life. I was very close to him and considered it a blessing.
Mother has aged, of course, but she wants NOTHING to do with me. She lives with YB in an apartment. It's really grimy and could use a thoroughly cleaning, but the one thing I CAN do to help her, she won't allow. (Because I actually throw out newspapers and water plants and dust).
A few years ago it really hit me that she was living in disarray and total disorder and that she constantly complained about having no room. Well, you cannot be a hoarder in an 800 sf apartment and have space at the same time. I came up with a workable solution that kept 80% of her things out in view, while 'storing' about 20%. I actually called a family mtg to see if my sibs were on board.
OMGosh. I may as well have lit a bomb in the kitchen. The ANGER that 2 of my sibs let lose with was shocking. Mostly from YB, who felt I was attacking him--while what I was doing was trying to lift some of his self-imposed burden.
Everybody went home a little mad, I cried for 2 days about it and then taught myself to quit caring.
I haven't been back with an eye to cleaning since then. I let the dust pile up and the books topple over and the bird's feathers to land all over and I don't say a word and unless there are actual MOTHS in the butter, I don't do a thing. It's not wanted, asked for nor appreciated.
When mom complains that she doesn't have space, or whatever, that's my signal to walk out. She has heard the solution, she won't accept it. I can't bleed for her, so I have to protect myself and let it go. Anyone who criticizes me for being less than wonderful as a daughter can jolly well go try to 'do' for her. I cannot care that much.
I recommend finding services to minimize your load, meals on wheels, home delivery for stuff, a weekly or by-weekly housekeeper, companion sitter, handyman and them having the talk about going to a facility where her needs will be met and she can make some new friends.
Nobody wants to leave their home, safe nest but, sometimes it is the only solution that works for everyone involved.
Best of luck finding the solution to your anger and resentment.
Sit down and make a priority list, putting tasks that are most critical (such as doctor’s appointments) at the top. Highlight the things you enjoy. Circle the things you resent that are not important for you to do personally. Are there tasks that are physically difficult or impossible for you?
Get help with whatever you can. Does she have a friend who would take her to the grocery store and lunch? A sister or a neighbor that could help with a task or two? Any adult grandchildren who might be able to help? Even a weekly check-in at a scheduled time will unburden your stress and lift your mom’s spirits.
Start interviewing for assistants.
Keep all the jobs that are critically important and that you enjoy.
if your mom has the financial reserves to pay for the help you still need to outsource, perfect!
if she doesn’t, call a family meeting and ask each individual to either step up and take a portion of tasks, or provide a monthly payment to cover their portion of duties. You may get better results if you speak with your siblings individually. (They may “gang up” against you if you meet or speak in a group.).
At the end of the day, remember you are doing this for your mom, not for them. Don’t seek or need their approval or thanks.
Your siblings may disappear forever from your life. Be okay with that. it is painful, but it had happened to a lot of us. They will have to live with their choices, not you. Don’t blame yourself. You don’t have to take them back and you don’t have to forgive them.
I was from a very large family and always expected to have 100% support and lots of helping hands. I was wrong— It turns out most of them were only coming around to collect their gifts from my parents and didn’t have interest in reciprocating. It’s amazing how many “dog ate my homework” excuses they came up with. The caretaking was 100% on me. One niece came by once weekly for a hour long visit (no other help with tasks) and that was most appreciated. It made mom happy and that was my main objective. Mom would talk about that visit for the rest of the week!
My parents have been gone for a while now and I have one very incredible surviving relationship with one sibling. She lived far away and didn’t help me with the caretaking but she has helped me with my grief. In my big picture, that may even have been more critical that helping with the physical and emotional labor.