Are all assisted living facilities depressing or is it just my perspective?

One more point that I thought of. My son in law' s late grandmother lived to 99 years of age! She lived in her later years at a lovely AL. She loved the place so much that one particular time her family was due to come to take her out to dinner. She told them "Don't come today because I don't want to miss the big party at the AL today." THAT IS HOW MUCH DEDE LOVED THE ASSISTED LIVING! I saw this lovely Assisted Living myself, personally taking a tour of it and seeing how happy Dede was there. I can attest to the fact that it was beautiful!

Hi S...

Wow, you bring up a very important point! I remember almost twenty years ago when my dear aunt, older sister of my mom, was having difficulty living in her own apartment alone. I reminded her of the option to have someone come stay with her at night as that was her difficult time and she had a two bedroom apartment she had lived in for years alone. She wanted no part of that. After a few bouts with needing the fire department to come help her get up as she was falling, one time she ended up in the hospital and then needed to go to a rehab place.

I remember that day touring the local rehap place, nursing home, you name it place. It was TERRIBLE! We were there on Father's Day, believe it or not. My special needs daughter still quite young, was along. I remember my horror when I saw a young person on a gurny getting his weekly bath there. I could not imagine my daughter nor my dear aunt having to be there and told my mom that it was a terrible place I wouldn't wish on anyone but my worst enemy if even them!

So I was on a mission to find a better place for my aunt and found a local assisted living facility. I viewed it and it seemed pretty nice to me. Well, after getting my aunt in there, she didn't like it and wanted to be back in her own apartment. Since I had my daughter and husband, I could not volunteer to stay with her in her beloved apartment and no other family volunteered to do so either as perhaps they could not realistically do that either. Not happily, my aunt moved to the nice local assisted living facility. As I recall, my daughter was in kindergarten or first grade. We would always go visit my aunt on Sunday late in the afternoon. But my aunt was not happy with us. She wanted us to come earlier and better yet, take her out of there. My aunt was not married and had no children although she was an excellent school teacher for many many years.

There really was not a good solution to help my beloved aunt. At the time, my husband had lost his job and I had just found a full time job myself to help us get by difficult times. So I was in no means to have my beloved aunt come live in our home. My husband reminded me that if she was falling where she had lived for about thirty years, she was bound to fall in our home if unassisted alone and we were not prepared to have that happen. I suppose he was correct although at the time I felt bady saying the nice assisted living place near us was much better of her options.

My dear aunt moved there and didn't like it at all, but for all including herself, it was the very best place for her. Yes, it was costly. Yes, she resented being there. But it allowed her to have a few more decent years in my opinion. Now my own mom talks about going there. Unfortunately, she is much worse off than how my aunt ever was so if she could even go there, it would be on the not so pretty bottom floor I visited once. I doubt anyone would desire to be there and my aunt never ended up down there.

I have no real answers on a good situation for our loved ones. It is difficult to deal with changes for all of us. What I have learned is that when I cannot live here in my home and my daughter and husband are not able to help me do that either, we all might need to move there. Knowing what I know now, I do not think it will seem like such a bad place to me like it was to my aunt. I can only wish for that and for all of us here to make the most of what we have each day.

You are right, some ALs are downright miserable!!! I don't know how they can stay open. But there are definitely some that are wonderful, bright, active, happy places! My dad was in one of these and had to move out into a residential care facility and begs me to go back to the AL! He really loved it there and blossomed socially. Keep looking, every facility has it's own personality.

I live in assisted living because due to a spinal injury I can't walk but I hate it even though this one is considered as being one of the best. I think they do all they can to make it appear pleasant and like home but for me it is hell. The people are all very old, feeble and most have dementia so it is impossible to make intelligent, inspiring, motivating interesting friends. The activities are for people of grammar school age. There are tons of rules and regulations (I ignore most as they are ridiculous). The food is overcooked and awful. For some people, living like this is pure bliss. For someone like me, nearly 86, with a photographic mind, still driving and going out to eat alone, working two jobs I love (50 years and l4 years), just finished six years of college, writing a book, going swimming, and always seeking new goals and new adventures and other excitement, I am a fish out of water. I have my pussy cat living with me which helps, and my car, but otherwise I can't stand being here but where would I go? The staff people are nice and I am friends with them but they are not allowed to socialize. So I stay to myself and do all kinds of things to enrich my life but that is only me - probably the only person here like that.

It's easy to think of AL/NHs as a waiting room people live in to die. Because, honestly, is that what they are? That doesn't make AL or nursing homes bad. I'm grateful that elders have a place that (hopefully) takes good care of them in their final years/months. (I know, there are horrible ones, which are an abomination to the human race.)

I had a dear family friend, the sweetest woman. When she was quite elderly, she lived alone in a tiny, barely heated old house. She only had one friend, my mom. She had severe scoliosis and could barely walk. There's no telling how or what she got to eat. It was heartbreaking to see her live that way. Finally, her daughter moved her to a nursing home.

My sister and I went to visit her, with my sister barely managing to hold herself together to see our friend in a nursing home. I admit I hated to see her in the *cue spooky music* nursing home. But then I noticed she'd gained weight, had good color in her face, had good food to eat, had a warm room and a comfortable bed, and people around to support this bright, sweet woman. She's gone now, but at least in the end she didn't die alone.

Yeah, not all AL/nursing homes are quality, but sometimes being in a facility is so much better than the alternative.

Thanks for all the input, everybody. Some good advice/suggestions/reminders. You all are the best! I visited another place yesterday that had a bar for happy hour! :) Actually this one was nice, but may still be out of the question. I'll see what the attorney has to say.

In the meantime, there was an opinion piece in the New York Times this past week, "How Not to Grow Old in America," which I found to be an interesting read:

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/29/opinion/sunday/dementia-assisted-living.html

Thanks again.

They're all depressing, some try to cover it up better then others.

I live not far from one, EMSis there often, and the talk from some who live there and take public transit are those that have died or those trying to move out while still alive.

Keep looking. Finding the right place for a loved one is not simple. I found one for Mother, and fell in love with it immediately. Set up meetings with the right people, watch how the staff there interacts with the residents, and interview them during the process.

There are services out there that will help you find a place (AgingCare has told me I cannot list the one I used directly), they are out there. Search the internet.

And yes, if you choose to see it that way, Assisted Living can be viewed as "God's waiting room". However the right one can be really a blessing for your loved one. Ours was for Mother, and they had her involved right away, even though she said No at first. The important thing here is keeping our loved ones involved and around others like themselves. Isolation is a real problem for our elderly. Good luck the right place is out there waiting for your Dad.

When I visited facilities for my 97 yr old mother who needed assisted living, I first checked out the ones with IL, AL, and memory care combined. I loved the first one, it was like a three story resort, with a bar and nightly entertainment, pool, gym, large fancy dining room with gourmet meals, etc. They even had 9 ambassadors who help the new resident feel welcome (I've earmarked that one for myself down the road, LOL). The residents (mostly on the Independent level) seemed happy and active. However, for my mother who isn't into fancy, and is not a people person, I chose an AL one with only 65 residents and hardly any of the amenities of the resort. I could picture my mother who is still mentally sound with some memory issues being so confused trying to navigate the large facility, being overwhelmed by the menu, unable to participate in the exercise activities, and operating the elevator, etc.

Where she's at now is somewhat depressing. And she hasn't made much of an effort to join in and make friends (with the exception of bingo and meals). She calls them "those old strangers". She isn't happy there. So, did I make a bad decision? I don't think so. She has never been happy. She's sweet and I love her with all my heart, but this is where she belongs.

She'll be 98 next week. When I asked what she wanted for her birthday, she said, "A home and a husband." I'm afraid that's a request I can't fulfill. Funny thing though, when she had a home and a loving husband four years ago, she just wanted to die.