My brother, who has lived out of state for 30 years and comes to visit once a year at most, is complaining about me not taking mom with late-stage dementia out to do fun things/trips. She lives in a memory care facility and has been on hospice for a long time and I visit with her there and go to the family functions. I also set up and take her to all her medical appointments and take care of her necessities (bills, taxes, clothing, etc.).
Mom is completely incontinent, difficult to get in and out of the car (most of the time I have to get help from others to get her in the car and it's not an easy task to get her out), and she has tried to unlock the door while I'm driving. Mom is also a fall risk.
My brother is out for about a week and wants to use mom's money to pay for her to stay a day in the desert at some huge house because as he told me, "I asked her if she wanted to go and she said yes" Mind you, my mom says yes, all the time, and she does not understand. My brother has also told me she sees dead people/ghosts... hmm. She hasn't known who he is for years.
He wants to use her money for a caregiver to assist him.
My issue is him complaining about me that I don't take her anywhere. I pretty much told him to shove it and asked him what he has done for her, except plan on taking her on this one-day trip? She is safe at her memory care, is well taken care of, more than happy when I spend time with her there, and I have taken her on more trips he ever has. He comes and visits once a year or less and thinks it's okay to bash me because he plans to take her on a one-day trip. Is there something wrong with me not taking her on trips and just visiting with her at her place? It's a lot of work already at her stage for me to just take her to her appointments and I take care of her needs. I also have a young family to take care of and work full time. He badmouths me when I'm the one who has always been here for my mom, and he's the black sheep/troublemaker. I've had to finally block him from contacting me. Every time he visits, he starts drama, and I can't take it anymore.
First of all, he lives out of state and only sees her once a year! I’m glad that you told him to shove it and blocked his number.
He isn’t going to listen to reason so why even bother trying to get through to him. It would be a waste of time and energy.
Plus the only thing that a conversation with him would accomplish is that you would become more frustrated.
I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. You have enough to deal with.
Are you POA for your mom?
Of course, your mom needs to be in memory care. She isn’t able to go running around doing “fun” things. Your brother is completely delusional.
"Is there something wrong with me..?"
NO. NO & More NO.
You sound like a loving daughter, with a kind heart & sensible thinking mind.
Your brother however..
Full of nice ideas without the common sense. Wishing thinking. Even fantasy level... enter the wavy lines & sparkles ✨️
I can see Mother & he, blissfully sipping on tropical drinks by the pool, enjoyjng a stroll around a local market, staying up late giggling over a funny late night classic movie..
He's a dreamer.