My husband will probably die from pancreatic cancer within a year. He's already survived for more than 3.5 years which is quite long for this cancer. Now it's recurred and his chances aren't so good. It's true we never know, but this time feels very different. My gut tells me he won't beat it this time.
He takes his anger out on me which makes me angry at him. This may make it easier for me to let him go, but it's wrong for him to be verbally abusive and I resent it. I deserve to be treated better than this. I don't want to abandon him in these last stages of sickness because I've decided to stick to my marriage vows long before now.
I guess I'll have to walk out of the room or wherever I am more often and leave him wherever he is when he gets abusive. It's just harder when he's not well. I'll need to carry taxi money just in case as I have for years. What a story he'll tell if I have to leave him somewhere public!
Sometimes I feel like I'm falling and there's nothing below to catch me. A very frightening feeling. That's the feeling of the unknown...for me the unknown is having my spouse of 42 years die. Coping with the changes, with life after the changes. There will be some good freedoms and some bad times of missing the good things. I'll lean heavily on the Lord and others. It's a very good thing I already have an excellent counselor. I'm going to need her. I'm going to need a lot of people in so many ways. How about you?
I wish I could take away all of your problems and stress! Things sound so tough for you! I'll add you to my prayers that there's some relief coming for you very quickly. Is there any other helpful program that you can utilize? It sounds like you could possibly use a few more hours of time off. Is there anyone who can come and give you a break more than just the daycare? You can't afford to burn out, and you need to take care of YOU. I know this is easy for me to say and hard for you to do, but I'm hoping and praying that by mentioning it you might feel okay about asking someone you've been hesitating to ask. Or looking into a program you've been thinking about that's after the daycare. I hope there IS something more you can find to give you a break. You sound like you really need it. Please take care.
I love your lighthearted approach! My husband's words are like carefully sharpened darts aimed to cause the most pain, and they do. But I do work at letting go of the hurt and forgiving him asap. If I get angry, I work at forgiving both of us, and think about how I can avoid anger the next time. It's me getting angry back at him that bugs me the most. I wish I didn't let it get to me. Sooo..I'm a work in progress.
You have a lot of wisdom in your reply to me.
There's a reason I haven't mentioned for my husband's anger that he will stay angry at me about. About 8 years ago he started with early onset dementia. It lasted 6 years and no one can tell me how or why he has recovered significantly from it. During that time, he became very verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. Very passive aggressive. I had to move out of our home to save my sanity. We tried counseling, and many other options for help. Nothing helped much and when he was diagnosed with dementia I understood why nothing helped. I accepted that he was ill and I had vowed to stay with him through illness or good health. I came home but insisted I had to have the bedroom and master bath to myself as a safe place. He agreed. I still have the master bed & bath and he resents it. I still have need of a safe place and won't give it up.
So there's resentment in my husband over this. He has a hard time understanding why certain things were done during this period of time when he wasn't functioning normally. Most of it he can't recall at all, but some effects he does question. He still has some minor dementia symptoms but they are greatly reduced from a few years ago.
I'm so sorry your wife has had this health setback and you both have this tough communication situation. What a challenge! You seem to have a very good attitude about it all and I know it can't be easy. I pray the Lord continues to bless the both of you as you work out the difficulties of your situation day by day and I thank you for your blessings because I do need them.
Thank you for the tip on the book. I'll get it and read it. I love to check out resources like books because I can learn so much that way. I know I'm not alone intellectually, but the book will probably help me reinforce that feeling if I go ahead and read it. Thanks again.
To 126Cher:
Don't worry, I'll keep in touch if you want me to. It sounds like we have similar diagnoses with our husbands. Mine went through chemo, radiation and had the Whipple surgery which bought him a total of 3.5 extra years. He was about 63 when he was diagnosed and the cancer had just spread to a lymph node and a large vein. It recurred about 6-7 weeks ago but there have been complications which I won't go into and he hasn't been able to be treated yet for the cancer. He comes from very healthy, strong genetic family physical history. Not everyone could have done what he has been able to.
How are you holding up? It sounds like you could use some support.
Now that your husband has reached the abusive stage, you need a short term and long term game plan for yourself. You need to squirrel away as much money for yourself as possible. If you don't have a separate checking account, then go to your bank and get one. If you get social security, then call up the SSA and divert your check into your new account. Add money to your account at every chance possible, even if it is $5 or $10. Also avoid any big expenditures if possible. Buy only what you truly need.
Does your husband have a current will? If so, find out it's provisions. Make sure your house is left to you along with funds to maintain it
Your taxi money is a wonderful strategy. But do you have safe place to go for an extended period if things became really bad with your husband? If not try to find one. Knowing you can escape to a safe place will help you cope.
You might to consult an attorney about a PoA or Power of Attorney in case your husband becomes unable to make decisions for himself. A POA is a powerful legal tool that allows the holder to pay bills and make other decisions. Most attorneys will give you a free hour long session.
Good luck and keep us posted. You definitely need someone who listens.
Hard to ignore hurtful,even abusive talk. At this time, however, it is his/her anger that is being focused on you. Try to step back and let it be.This is only a stage in the dying process. Hopefully,you can forgive the patient; and forgive yourself for being upset,angry etc. We all tend to take things so personally and hurt ourselves. We humans are a funny bunch, aren't we? !!!
My God bless you in this very trying time of your life.
Bob