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Jaz129….my first inclination is to tell the nosy neighbors to mind their own business, you and sis have things under control for the immediate future. Sounds like y’all have covered all the bases, especially with regard to the condo manager, in keeping your mom as safe as possible for now. Best wishes to all three of you! Liz
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rovana Jan 2022
Covered all the bases? I'll mention one of my condo neighbors who decided to get in her car, turn the engine on and then could not figure out how to open the garage door. Fortunately another neighbor realized what was happening and called the cops who quickly forced the door before she died of carbon monoxide. The thing is that family often does not take early dementia seriously enough. Neighbors who do not want to get burned to death are not "nosy" IMO.
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Those neighbors need to back off, IMHO. Tell them that you heard their concerns and that you are working on finding the right balance for your mom.

It's not up to them. You do NOT answer to them. Maybe they're good friends of hers with genuine concern. Maybe they're just nosy do-gooders. Who knows? They seem to be making a bad situation more stressful.
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Flowerhouse1952 Jan 2022
Those nosey doo gooders as you call them are obviously concerned about this woman. They've probably seen things that the cameras have not captured. I would be one of those neighbors. Even though they have cameras up, are they monitoring those cameras 24/7? She's admitted they don't. I tried for months to get my sister, who was in charge of mom, to either get help more help besides the 8 hr, 5x week or place her somewhere. She didn't listen. She basically done the same thing with cameras. What a joke that was because the cameras didn't show mom leaving the house. My mom started leaving her house, going into the street and flagging people down just to chat them up. Sister locked the gate so she didn't get out. Then she'd stand at the gate waiting for someone to walk by to tell them she was being held prisoner and to get help. APS were called by the neighbors, thank goodness. APS met with us at mom's. Although the place was safe, clean and tidy, they ordered us to have 24/7 care in or out of the home or they would remove her and we'd be reported as being neglectful. A dementia patient should NEVER be left alone. They can turn on a dime and get into trouble. Would you leave your 5 yr old home alone with cameras? I certainly wouldn't.
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Jaz, have you checked your Mom, via camera, in the middle of the night?

Why I ask is that when my Dad was living in Independent Living, Admin was suggesting it is time to move Dad to Memory Care, as he has been trying to leave the building in the middle of the night. That took me totally by surprise.
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Me, I'd listen to the neighbors. They may have good reasons for their concerns.

Your mom has dementia AND thinks she's fine. That's the last person you should listen to on that.

Do the neighbors see her more than you do? They may have a better sense of what's going on with her than you realize.

Her cognizance may take a significant dive in the wake of your dad's death. In my mother's case, any medical or emotional crisis caused her to take a big drop from which she'd never quite recover. Dementia isn't a slow gradual decline -- sometimes there are big changes almost overnight.

Try to look two steps ahead in this scenario, because you need to be prepared for big changes that could occur at any time.
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Beatty Jan 2022
Sadly, yes, big drops can happen, especially with grief.

An acquaintance's very recently widowed Mother had to be hospitalized after sudden massive confusion & falls. One adult child said 'oh I think she'll be ok at home again'. Wanted to trial it. The other asked for honest feedback from hospital staff & then pushed for supervised care immediately. Poor woman was found crawling along corridors at night (not dressed) looking for 'home'. Never actually recovered & passed short time after.

It sometimes is lightening fast.
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This isn't meant to be snarky or frivolous, but it may be in the future that robots would be fulfilling these kinds of positions.
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Katefalc Jan 2022
WHAT? How is this helpful “ advice”???
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Thanks for getting back to me. Yes, we've let them know that the stove is off, that we have cameras, etc. We asked them if they were worried about themselves. They replied that they did not have concerns re: their own safety, and it was only out of concern for my mother. We even mentioned that we were exploring assisted living. It seems like the only thing that would appease them is 24/7 live in care. This would be incredibly intrusive for my mother which is why ass't living is a better alternative. The condo president even replied to us that he didn't think this was an immediate concern. And that we had time to figure things out.
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Katefalc Jan 2022
In that case, they need to back off and mind their own business BUT it’s comforting to know that someone close by is looking out for her as well… isn’t it?
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

Well, it's kind of concerning that multiple neighbors are worried enough to get involved in the first place. And they see her every day. Unless you're living with the person with dementia you may not see the trouble they're routinely having. And a big life change is going to be tremendously disorienting for her.
That's a big loss for anyone, but worse for a person with dementia, as the routine they had with their partner gives structure to their day. The neighbor's are kind to be concerned about her.
Watching your mom online isn't going to help her if she gets into a jam. If she can't rescue herself then I'd get in the night sitter until you can find her a good AL or memory care.
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NolanHodges Jan 2022
Elizabeth, I currently live in Texas, and my mom passed away a few years after they retired to South Carolina. The only way I truly knew that my dad was having enough issues to consider filing for conservatorship/guardianship was feedback from people near by. I am not saying all have the same heart felt concern for our family members, but sometimes they are trying to look out for them. I think communication here is key, but it depends on if they are willing to listen or not. This is hard on all of us and we don't need others outside the circle making things even worse. God speed and I hope she finds a solution that she and her family is comfortable with. That's really all that matters. This has been so much more painful and gut wrenching that I was ever prepared for. Thank you all for the support, and I am here for you as well.
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I think it would be better for everyone - you, your sister, the neighbors AND mom if you expedite getting mom placed.

I can certainly understand the neighbors' points of view, especially since they "share walls" with mom. If you have turned the stove off, then you have an idea that it's just not safe for mom to be left alone, cameras or no.

Do you or your sister have POA for mom? Have you been in touch with her doctors to see what level of dementia she has? Does she have the financial means to afford AL? Do you have access to her financial records should she outlive her money and you need to apply for Medicaid for her? If you haven't already done so, I strongly urge you seek the counsel of an elder attorney ASAP and get expert advice on all of this.

One or more of the neighbors might very well call APS; as might the condo association, as I would likely do were I in their position. I'm sorry, but it does your mom no good to be living alone while you and your sister live out of state. You and/or your sister might have to seriously consider, for mom's safety, either living with mom or moving her in with one of you temporarily while you get other living arrangements made for her.

I understand that the neighbors might be making this more stressful for you, but that doesn't mean they're wrong about their concerns.
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1.   If you can find a carpenter, add handholds and grab bars in areas where Mom might not have anything to hold onto if she begins to fall.  Only a carpenter should do this, and the grab bars should ONLY be screwed into studs.  Don't let anyone tell you that grab bars that merely adhere to a wall are safe.  They're not.

2.   Consider getting a rollator instead of a walker.   They're 4 wheeled, have adjustable height and handles, and some have a basket for carrying things.  It's a lot safer than carrying something while managing a walker.

3.    Beat the neighbors to the punch and ask the local police if they make regular wellness visits.  

4.    Call the local county and city/township and see if they also make wellness visits.

5,  Contact the local Senior Center and get a menu, then consider getting Meals on Wheels on a trial basis to see if Mom likes their meals.

6.   Turn the tables on the neighbors and ask them specifically what their concerns are.   I.e., are they concerned, or nosy? 

7.   Get a life alert pendant with you and your sister listed as first contacts, then perhaps the police next.   Do your research first, and well; some of these outfits that provide pendants and advertise online and in print aren't as good as others.  

Interview them as well; those that just want to send you a brochure aren't impressive.   The company I hired had begun its operations years ago as a home protection program, then segued into individual protection for elders.  They were top notch, calling whenever Dad bent over.  (That might be annoying to some people, but I saw it as a more intense level of service.)

8.   Something you might consider if there are a few good neighbors is a lock box.  Actually, it would be very helpful for first responders also.    A key to the front door would be in it, protected by the lock, to which the lock code would be limited to you and your sister, police and/or fire department, and possibly one or two reliable neighbors.

9.   Create a medical history chart, with contact information for you and your sister, other close relatives as well as names and contract numbers of health insurance companies.   I also added an allergy history, list of meds, specific diagnosed conditions, hospitalizations (including basis, analysis, admission and discharge dates).  Names and contact info for treating doctors was also included, as were dates of surgeries, purpose and condition treated.

10.  I kept the Medical History in a 3-ring binder, together with a conformed copy of the Durable Power of Attorney (contact info for those parties was listed in the first section, along with relatives), or general Power of Attorney if that's what was created, and POLST or other medical directive for emergencies and/or end of life.  

I created these medical and emergency binders for my parents to take when they became Winter Texans, so they could be available if anything happened down in Texas.

11.  You might want to meet with the condo management and neighbors, and/or provide them with your plan for care, so that they're aware changes are in progress.  

12.  Florida from what I understand has a lot of services and caters to older folks.   The local Senior Center may offer some additional services, such as wellness checks.

13.   Check the smoke alarms every time you visit, just to be on the safe side.  
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jaz129 Jan 2022
Thanks. We actually have many of the things in place that you mention. Key is accessible, grab bars everywhere and she already uses a roller walker with a basket. The nurses and my mother go out daily, enjoy lunch together and pick up dinner for her. It's an activity and keeps my mother engaged.

The condo president, who knows my mother, was actually very understanding of what plan we had in place and even provided helpful resources. He knows we're working on it.
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Have you told the neighbors about the arrangements you have made, how they are going, and the next steps you have in mind? Perhaps you think it’s none of their business, but co-operation is better than waiting for complaints to get worse. Do it in writing, keep a copy as evidence of your co-operation.

Have you asked the neighbors if they have any concerns for themselves, rather than for Grandma? For example fire? It’s reasonable to deal with them, or tell them how you have already fixed potential problems (eg turning the stove off, which you have done).

Have you asked the neighbors for their own suggestions, and for their estimates of the cost involved? Ask for it in writing, which will probably cut down the 'constant' calls. It’s just possible that they have a couple of good ideas. Would you be willing for them to implement options if they pay themselves?

If this does get worse, it will be a big help for you to show that you have been very very co-operative. It leaves it much more open for the Condo manager to see that they are unreasonable and should mind their own business.
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notgoodenough Jan 2022
Sorry, MM, I have to disagree with you about the neighbors "minding their own business"... if one of those neighbors posted here about this situation "there's a vulnerable 85 year old newly widowed woman with dementia living here in our building; her daughters live out of state and only visit; this woman only has aides coming 5 days a week for a few hours and she's alone all night: what should we do?" the overwhelming advice they would get from us would be to contact APS and report a vulnerable adult.

I don't think the neighbors are being unreasonable at all.
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