My husband is in middle stages of dementia, home with me. No other family/friends to help. He's awaiting spinal surgery for leg weakness and falling. He falls a lot, inside and out. He refuses to allow a respite caregiver so I can go out w/out worrying about him. And no, he won't fall for the "housekeeper" guise or other fiblits. Every time I have to go out (rarely and never more than 2 hrs) he promises to stay inside and watch his re-runs. But today I came home to find out he climbed up on a tall ladder with a machete to trim some oak tree branches. As he was telling me it was no big deal, he tumbled backwards and fell on his back. Thankfully he was on the ground at the time. Another time I came home to find him in a hole he'd dug. He was covered in dirt, dehydrated, calling my name, forgetting that I'd gone to the doctor.
I'm totally burned out/frustrated/exhausted and furious. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I feel myself going cold and hard inside. Like a switch has flipped. I have no more cares to give. I'm not good at the cheery "Hey, let's do this instead of that" approach because he does what he wants regardless. There are days when we still connect as a couple and I think it's not time yet for AL/MC. Other days I fantasize about it.
Is it time? And if so, how in the world do you get someone like him to agree to that? Any advice is appreciated.
Agree with lots of advice given:
1) Hire a caregiver NOW! It does not matter if he agrees. You need to be able to get out of the house. He can NOT be left alone, as he has proven numerous times. You need to protect your sanity and keep him safe. You're the only competent adult left and you have to come to terms with that and do what needs to be done. Yup, I'm sure he's going to complain but so be it. Don't let that bother you. Expect and accept it. Find a nice way to say it and stick to it. Something like "I need to get out but I worry about you so much when I'm gone that it is too stressful. I need someone here so I can get some things done." You can have them doing chores like light cleaning and maybe get dinner started for you, laundry, etc. While they're keeping an eye on hubby.
2) Post surgery, demand he go to rehab for as long as possible. Set some boundaries as to what he needs to be able to do independently before he can come home (if ever). Sometimes it takes awhile for them to bounce back from surgery, both mentally and physically. It takes a toll.
I totally get the not being good at the cheery approach. I can NOT do it. I know I "should" with my mom but I am so beyond pretending like that. It's just not in me to behave like that. I also get the cold and hard inside. Yup. It's all so hard to deal with and just too much, for me at least, to pretend to be this bouncy happy person when dealing with the monotony and strangeness of watching a LO go down into this altered reality that they're living in.
When will his surgery be?? Can you wait to place him until after that? Get home care now to tide you over. It will be so much easier if he is transported by someone else from the hospital to rehab and then to wherever is appropriate for him long term. Getting him to leave from your house is doable, of course, but so much more difficult for you.
All of it is 'on the edge' between normal behavior and dementia. And it is so, so difficult to manage, navigate, or predict whats to come.
I'm still learning and hanging on.
2. Emergency medical treatment plus Geri-Psych review.
3. Springibg POA or Guardianship.
4. Placement into care.
Harsh - but that is the *how*.
Awaiting for him to agree is futile. This is your biggest hurdle. That shift of dynamics.
If reasoning & judgement has dimished for him, reasoning & judgement must come from you.
I visited several facilities with my wife under the guise that we could sell the condo and move into one of these. They were all very attractive and offered all the services we didn't like doing anymore, cooking, cleaning, etc. When the time came, I never discussed it with her. We both went to her room and after a few minutes I said I had to get some groceries and was gone. I'm not saying that would work for you, just relating my experience.
So, I think it's time for a new “home” for your husband. The decision and the transition are not easy, in fact it's harder than hard emotionally, but it's doable.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and explain your situation. They can be of great help. Their elder helpline for your area is 800-262-2243.
The following link may help you in moving your husband to a care facility. It's extensive but informative.
https://www.seniorlink.com/blog/50-tips-on-transitioning-a-loved-one-to-memory-dementia-or-alzheimers-careyour-blog-post-title-here
look for good memory care … because dementia only goes one way….also he could be falling because of dementia as well !!!
should go directly from rehab to care
and you can say it’s another rehab
facility to help you get well.
best of luck … hardest thing to do !!!!
Simply tell him that you are hiring someone to help you, for your peace of mind and to cover yourself legally. And because your homeowner's insurance will be cancelled if someone isn't there when you go out.
I would lose the machete.
((((Hugs)))))
Even though he has dementia, he many still feel the need to be "manly." Can you find other manly tasks for him to do? What were his hobbies before he developed dementia?
I understand the "switch has flipped"statement. I think once you've reached that point the answer is obvious. It's not up to him anymore especially if he's going up ladders with machete's. Ye Gads!
He may not like it. Well, you don't like what's going on now right? Part of being a couple is compromise isn't it? When he whinges and he will, remind him of that.
Is it usually for 2-4 hours at a time that you need, or would like, to be somewhere else?
Does he make a habit of shinning up ladders, machete in hand? I've been mulling that for a while and still don't know what I'd say to a client who did that. Probably something like "you know I won't try to catch you, don't you?"
1) Hire a twice-weekly person at least right away. It's not for hubs, it's for you. You have to go to your doctors, to your grocery store and what have you. For you to take care of him, you have to have this other person, or persons.
2) After he has the surgery, insist on him going to a Medicare rehab for however long they'll cover it. Then line things up about how the doctor thinks he shouldn't go home.
In the meantime, do not give him a choice about homecare services coming in. Do not lie to him about it either.
Speak to him plainly and TELL him that there will be hired aides coming into your home who are there to help you and that they will remain in the home if you go out.
If your husband becomes too much for you and hired help to handle then please put him in a care facility.
Explain to the facility that he will be a hostile transfer. They will help you with it.