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Don’t get STUCK. Historically caregiving was women’ s work: menial & unpaid. My mother’s generation expected all of that only from daughters, not sons. That being said, you are a good son & sibling for stepping up. But don’t get stepped on. Assess what you can do, reasonably & without turning your life into turmoil: let Mom & siblings know your boundaries & what you plan to do. Sisters either step up or you hire outside help. Expecting everything from just one child is not fair &, in the long run, just won’t work.
I’ve been there: don’t take on more than you can handle.
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I’ve been there I never got along with my parents. No one says you need to care for her. Tell her to hire a caregiver and live your life. Your post indicates all the problems are yours so don’t make them your problems. Let it go.
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Hi, I stopped explaining. Just set some boundaries and do your own thing. For example, what did you want to do in retirement? Say it’s sewing. Set up your area in another room and schedule time for yourself and just do it. Mom will suck you in full time. And here’s the deal; she will suck you in when she’s at a home and sometimes that’s more work. And that may be a long term goal, but you need a quick fix. Get your mind on you and plan your day accordingly. I find when I leave my mom alone for awhile, she will push to do more for herself. My mom just got home from rehab and she’s 90. The PT guys pushed her and she was better off. Also, force a schedule. Not easy, but I’m trying and it helps.
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Find a place. Insist she go there. Take her nice wardrobe and install it in the closet. Tell her she’s going to love living there - very loudly - and explain nothing. Of course you’ll go on handling her banking and maybe call her three times a week. You wrote,  “I worked very hard at stressful jobs for 40 plus years. This is my reward?” Well, those two things aren’t in the same file cabinet. Working stressful jobs etc. is in one cabinet, and your reward is in the other. You set fire to the reward files as soon as you started taking care of mom. Put out the fire, ditch mom, and you still get your reward. Which is to be free of a burden that she dumped on you and you don’t deserve. Of course you are angry. Just be sure that you’re not angry with yourself.
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I am the same way

I didn't sign up for this

Me and my brother have our own lives to live and taking care of our mom is hindering that!
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Laurpar, write down on paper a list of all the things you do for your Mom. Now, cross out half of the items, items you feel can be done by someone else even if Mom has to pay someone. Now cross out a couple more line items.

Stick to the list of remaining items. Believe me, your Mom will notice that half of things she wants done are not being done. But you will start feeling better.

Practice saying "I can't possibly do that" over and over until it feel comfortable to say.

It's a start.
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I am perplexed as to why you are her caregiver. Why can't you be like your two sisters and NOT be her caregiver? What's stopping you?
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SingleChild Sep 2022
I agree. However, I can't simply agree. Mom does not make enough money for having a place of her own, or a facility. Too much for Medicaid, not enough for an apartment. I have another appointment with Medicaid for an assesment. (?) I can't just move out, it's OUR place, not a house, but an apartment we share the costs for.
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Quit?

Seriously though, have you ever quit a job before?

Or maybe this job is want you DO want to do. Because it pays well, in financial, personal or emotional rewards.

PS Being "delegated" is one word to use, one way to look at it. Another word/way would be 'volunteered'.
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PennyBob Sep 2022
Voluntold is my word for it
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Just stop doing it if you don't want to. No one is forcing you to care for her. Her issues are her own.
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Caregiving is rough! I don't enjoy it. Mom moved in with me and hubby 7 years and I had NO idea what I was getting myself into. Hindsight being 20/20, I NEVER would have done this, no way.

Now I have aides coming in 5 days a week for 5 hours to do her morning routine with her and pay attention to her, etc. THIS is how you keep your sanity. You stop being her everything cuz it's a thankless and frustrating job. You deserve your own time and space. Hire someone else to do a bunch of the stuff she has dumped on your lap. Nope. Start getting out of the house and living YOUR life, not hers.

She won't like it but too bad. Remember, YOU don't like how things are now so something has to give.

Good luck.
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First, your mom may have comprehension issues, not just a hearing impairment.

Second, you are under no obligation to be your mother's hands-on caregiver (or even a remote PoA). It won't get better, only more and more intense, demanding, stressful and frustrating as she declines. You are in control of whether you continue down this path or turn off. You just have to be at peace with the other options for her.
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Yes. Get mom placed in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility and then you'll get to be a daughter again instead of an angry, frustrated and burned out caregiver. I never could have cohabitated with my mother again in her old age, so I let her and dad know from the get-go that we wouldn't be. They started out in independent living, then moved into Assisted Living, then mom moved to Memory Care when her dementia and mobility issues got bad enough. Things worked out much better for both of us that way.

If mom has no funds for Memory Care Assisted Living, look into Medicaid for Skilled Nursing. You deserve a life of your own, and she deserves peace and tranquility also. Had mom been living with me, I have no doubt I'd have been losing my cool ALL the time. Between her dementia and personality disorders, fuggedaboutit.

Best of luck.
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I took care of my Mother until her death and now live with my 86-year-old Cousin. My Cousin remains independent, but is very stubborn, has hearing issues, and her memory is going. I OFTEN feel frustrated, and lose my patience. I feel guilty if we have an argument. She doesn't understand me or the world we live in. She is better off than most financially and worries about money constantly. I try and be a good Cousin, but it isn't easy, I often dream of living by myself with a dog and doing what I want to do. I work full time and she doesn't even like it if I sleep in on the weekends. Chores must be done!

If you need a friend I am here. I do understand.

Never feel bad about your feelings. Feelings are just feelings. You can't control them. Go easy on yourself.

Kelley
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