My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts and have been dating for 7 years now. We are 24 and I ( after a recent talk it has become apparent that only I feel this way that’s why I don’t say “we”) feel ready to take the next steps of getting engaged and moving in together already. We had talked about it many times and he has mentioned that he doesn’t feel comfortable leaving his grandma alone but still we had both come to the conclusion that we would get an apartment for ourselves. The reason that I want to live together alone with him is to really get a home for OURSELVES, a home where I could build up and decorate as my own home as well, instead of living with his grandma and not having that sense of home. I love and respect my boyfriend’s grandma but I don’t want to move in with her because, it’s HER home (and home of my boyfriend) and I would not feel like it is a home where I could make it feel mine too. I want to start my married life in the privacy and safety of a place that feels mine and my boyfriend’s. Up until yesterday I kept daydreaming and getting impatiently excited for that new beginning of ours that would be accomplished this year but after stringing me along for months he now said that he doesn’t think that we’ll move in somewhere alone because he doesn’t want to leave his grandma alone. It hurts to have been brought down to ground level after him letting my expectations for that plan fly for months but I commend him for being a good grandson. Still, I don’t want to move in with his grandma because if I move in, I know that his plans will be to stay there. It’s frustrating that he has more responsibility than any cousin, sibling, aunt/uncle, that should be just as responsible for his grandma. It all comes down to him being the last one to leave the house. I know that in the future we will care for our old grandparents/ parents but we are still young and I would like to enjoy these young years alone with him. I don’t know what to do and I feel bad that I feel this way even though his love for his grandma is respectable. I don’t know what to do and so I am just broken hearted and frustrated at the heavy news. Again, I respect his grandma a lot but I really want to keep growing into my own person in the intimacy of my own home and not feel as a guest during these prime marriage years. I have not heard any of her input in this but it seemed like the grandma and his mom don’t have a problem with him and I getting a place so it is mostly my boyfriend making this decision. Would it be wrong to let the grandma live by herself?
My advice is break it off with him NOW. It will hurt. But you need to move on. Your boyfriend is still a nice young man, but he doesn’t seem ready for you. You don’t have to feel bad for putting yourself first. Best wishes!
age 25
Brain Maturity Extends Well Beyond Teen Years. Under most laws, young people are recognized as adults at age 18. But emerging science about brain development suggests that most people don't reach full maturity until the age 25.
Forget the grandma issue. Be selfish enough to allow for your future happiness.
Sadly he did, and I am hurt by it. His words don’t matter if he won’t show them by actions right? By big boy actions… I definitely do see that it generally goes worse for the ladies when moving in like that which is another reason why I’m so against it. To be honest I need a rock, a MAN that will make decisions about our future without me having to guide him through. Yes, this year I’ll let time flow naturally and will move in somewhere with other girlies if he doesn’t hustle up. Thank you for your words after ready my post!
Some feedback for all the time and effort put in to answer your post is always appreciated, by everyone.
Also many people asked about his other adults, they are out living their lives not living with grandma leaving the youngest of the family with grandma, so yes I think you guys are right that they are using him as the scapegoat. The mom is living with her boyfriend, aunt/ uncle have their own place and my boyfriend’s brothers are out living with their partners. My boyfriend does not provide money for that house. It sounds rude to say it like that but it’s true. (Also to answer another question, he does not heavily take care of her as if she’s ill, he is there, if she needs something he is there to get it. So no, he doesn’t take care of her in a medical way. He just wants to be there when she passes away.)
I do need to meet more people, you guys have opened my eyes to that. I need to experience things and grow on my own I see that now more than ever thanks to you guys. I’ve gone out of my comfort zone to sign up for artist meet and greet groups and am looking into cooking and dancing classes to open my circle. I haven’t gone yet because COVID came to my house first but I will push myself for it. And about my boyfriend we made up, talked and he promised to live that life starting this year but to be honest I’m not putting my hopes up that high anymore just in case it doesn’t happen. I will let his actions speak while I enjoy my youth not worrying about will he or won’t he or about marriage. You guys are wiser than me and many have advised me to leave him, I think I’ll let time do it itself as I open my horizons like suggested by some here. I’m not going to sit and wait on him anymore. I am beginning to have the courage now to say, “Ok it’s not working out” but I think I’ll hold those words and see what happens first. Im dumb and in love and am hoping for a change, but recent arguments made me very close mentally and emotionally to be ready to say enough. Hopefully I am making sense, im typing while going through the booster side effects. Also he suffers from depression etc, so it’s even harder to say those words.
I was forgetting to say, thank you for validating my feelings pouring such detailed and helpful advice. I don’t feel selfish anymore, I feel strong about my decision.
Right now you have my sympathy, and also my respect. You have spent so many years with a plan in your head and heart, and it’s very very difficult to accept that the plan was wrong all along. Where do you go from there, to wipe out the old plan and find another one with a better chance of working? That’s where my respect comes in – you have signed up for classes, you are determined to meet more and different people. Great stuff!
Don’t get bogged down by ‘he suffers from depression’. Perhaps he is depressed because he feels so bad about stringing you along instead of going through with the old plan. Getting out yourself might set him free too. And if it doesn’t, it’s his problem to fix, you can’t fix it – certainly not by continuing just as you have been. Go, girl!
Excellent that you have replied and are thinking on your situation now and in the future.
I want you to be able to discern the truth. Can you read a bit on the term:
"future faking"?
The boyfriend may have done this, and if so, you need to protect yourself from a crazy future, with him ultimately saying to you:
"I never said that"; I never said I will marry you".
Maybe you have been 'gaslighted', strung along; deceived.
If that's the case, especially, I would friendzone the BF. Meaning no physical benefits. He can't be seeing your apartment and you as a place to have sex, then go home to granny. If he wants to demonstrate independence, he needs to get his own place and from there perhaps you resume the physical.
This experience also gives you an excellent springboard to talk to your own parents. If you haven't left home yet, you need to for exactly the same reasons your bf needs to. At that point you make clear that should they require aging solutions in the future, you'll help them as versus being the solution--just as you will not be imposing on them by making them take your family in or putting them on any future babysitting schedule.
You are so fearful of the hurt from breaking up that the fear is stopping you from doing the right thing. Mature adults will do what’s necessary even if it’s hard and painful.
Answer this question in your head. What’s the WORST thing that could happen once you break up with the wrong boyfriend? Are you going to kill yourself? Hope not. Are you going to spiral out of control and don’t know what to do with life? Hope you’re stronger than a snowflake.
Perhaps, you will cry. Cry for all the lost years and memories. After that, you will feel sad for a long while. But you will start feeling better and will start meeting others. Then you will not think about this guy so much. And one day, you realize you hadn’t thought of him at all.
Do you cook? Bake? Create things? If you do, you know that the quality of the ingredients is essential. Bad ingredients get you bad results.
Same with building a life. Choose your life partner wisely. Don’t just choose to stay because you are too scared to look around and find what is best for you.
You can do this. Leave this boy for his grandma. He is not the best ingredient for building a happy marriage.
I get it in a way. A few years ago after my husband and I moved into our house, his mom and step-dad proposed that we take over his sister's care (who has a autism, though pretty high-functioning, she doesn't drive and still has to be reminded of etiquite, hygiene and she's 24). I have told my husband that we really need to clarify that with his mom and step-dad before that "someday" comes. We were going to see them this weekend and talk to them then, but of course, his mom and step-dad have covid. We should have just said "No" right away but were caught off guard and have a hx of people pleasing.
Anywho, I hope this lets you know that I get where you are coming from and it's okay to have boundaries to guard your heart and keep your sanity.
Please follow up on how things are going.