Am I out of line?

Because you had better prepare yourself now.

I love you. I support and respect you. But that respect will decrease over time if you allow other people to have a seat at the table of our marriage and home because you don’t want to make them angry.

THESE are the things you should consider over the weekend. I have given this a great deal of thought. I will not be changing my mind. I will not be a caregiver/housekeeper for anyone. I will not be part of a breach in our marriage and family life. I am protecting our home and will continue to do so.

I am a soft-hearted person, but I can also have a lion heart when it comes to protecting my family. The emotional manipulation your brother has employed in the past will no longer work for me. I will fight for you and our kids, even if you can’t right now. That is how much I love you.

If you are with me in that, we will come up with a response to BIL and MIL that is helpful to MILs needs, without rocking our whole world.”

The three hardest things when dealing with emotionally manipulative people are A) being firm in your decision without getting emotional B) staying off of the defensive... you do not need to justify your decision to anyone C) not letting them suck you back into emotion... they will push your buttons - guilt, cultural expectations, etc. - and they know you well enough to know which buttons are most effective.

You have to step out of their game. If you stay in, they will win... they are VERY good at the game. You have to move off their board. For some people, it takes years of therapy. You have about 10 minutes to get these skills. I wish you the best.

Say no.

If you can’t pull the strength to say it for yourself, do it for your kids. Do it for your marriage. Heck, do it for your MIL.

But, DO IT NOW.

No. Calmly, without any emotion. Over and over again. Pull money from your accounts... enough to cover some hotel/housing, etc. for the next month so you can get you and your kids out of there if you are not heard.

Believe me, it is hard enough to live with olders who need caregiving if you have a long history of good feelings. It would be a nightmare with someone you don’t get along with.

Homeschooling while working is already a heavy workload. There is NO WAY adding adversarial caregiving to the mix is a smart idea.

The only way it becomes a viable option is by manipulating someone else’s emotions. The reality will not bear that out when probed. From now on, you deal only with the facts. Do not cry, do not argue, do not get sucked into the emotional side of this.

No offense intended here, but you need to straighten your back and decide - fully and firmly - that this is not an option. And that you will be strong in the face of the displeasure of others. And that you are like a mirror. All you can do is reflect their selfishness and bad arguments back on them.

BIL needs time to “decide” (whatever that means)? Then, BIL houses her or arranges for temporary nursing care elsewhere. If he gets to “decide”, then you have zero responsibility. I am guessing you don’t go to his home and cook or clean for him, so why in the world would you (or your husband) allow his desires dictate what happens in your home?

It doesn’t make sense. But you need to clearly see that for what it is, so you can be strong.

As for your husband. This is one of those things where you acknowledge his responsibility to his mother. “We must look at this from all sides that are within our circle of influence. MIL, our marriage, our kids. Of course, we want what is best for MIL. That means she gets proper care. You and I also must consider our marriage. You are aware that the relationship here is not ideal. MIL is not kind to me. Of course, that is on her, not you. It will not get better in our home. Our home and lifestyle do not have the infrastructure to support two working adults who are also homeschooling/raising kids and have other responsibilities. Those are just the facts, dear. I would think that a healthy family life would be our shared priority. Your mother is, of course, a person we care about. We care about BIL as well. But, they are not a part of our decision-making processes.

A decision such as this requires unanimity. If both parties don’t want a roommate, the roommate is not invited. I will support you in saying no. I will respect you greatly for standing up for your family. There are ways to say no that will minimize the displeasure of BIL and MIL. However, this is our home that other people are attempting to control.

I hope you can see that your brother is also trying to use us to take MIL off of his shoulders. If you are ok with that, so be it. But I will not be party to this. It may be that I take the kids to a hotel for the time it takes BIL to “make his decision”. That way you and he will be able to take care of your mother the way you want to. If it is that important to you, I support you in wanting to care for her. But, make no mistake. Even if I remain in this house, and you decide to steamroll my wishes, I will have NO part in her care. You can make food for your mom, shop for your mom, clean up after your mom, come when she calls, take her for walks, give her baths, listen to her complaints. And you will also still need to be present for our family when we need you. How do you think you might handle that? Do you honestly think BIL will be helpful to you? Do you honestly think that once she is here that he will be ANY help getting her to proper care? (Cont)

AnnReid: "Your BIL has absolutely no right to request that you assume responsibility for a difficult adult. I am hard pressed to recall anything more unfair than his automatic expectation that you be the person to do this. Why has HE not stepped up? I venture to guess if he were to be directly responsible for a few days, he’d find that his decision making would quickly be moving much faster than in his present plan.

Also you need to realize that once BIL sees “how well Mom is doing with you”, he’ll begin to see that “it will be wonderful for her to stay with you for just a little longer”, and her placement with you will start moving towards permanent."

Yes, yes, YES! This is what I wanted to say. MrsBrightside, there is NO motivation for bil to find placement for MIL once she's in your home. Why isn't she being placed "temporarily" in HIS home?

Her behaviors must have been extreme for her to be placed in a psych ward. And now her wellbeing will be YOUR responsibility.

A situation we often find in this forum is that the caregiver who writes in has already taken in the elder. It's a LOT harder to get the elder moved out than it is to never let them move in in the first place. So you are still in a good position here. DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN.

Your H probably believes that his brother will find a place for her, and that she will only be in your home for a little while. That is not true.

Please keep us updated. We want to read that a facility was found for you MIL, and that you will NOT be taking care of her when Monday arrives!

I would not do this. I would make it clear that I would not. I would leave the home the day she came into it. Then husband and family can work on where to place Mom. I hope there are friends or other family you could move in with during this transition. It seems you have not voice in a matter and are being treated as slave labor. Supportive is one thing. Slave labor is another. And the truth may be somewhere in between. You have coming into your home here a woman who seems to have got her way the way most get their way. She is in a position of power to change things her way. You are not. You can accept that position and be the helper you have always been, working as teacher and mate and worker. But hopefully you will conclude that at some point it is about you. You recognize what is coming--because every fight you have had, as you said, is about her. Do not think for a second that once she is in the home she will leave again. And what is your husband thinking by coming in and out of the home an elder is in? I say that you make the decision that is best for YOU after much thinking, and then you gently explain to all how it will be and why.
OR you can always volunteer for Sainthood. They will be quite happy to shoot you full of arrows; and after you're dead they will pray to you for eternity to fix everything for them.

Lovingly refuse. You are not in any way out of line.

You have major responsibilities now, and the time between now and July IS HUGE.

Your BIL has absolutely no right to request that you assume responsibility for a difficult adult. I am hard pressed to recall anything more unfair than his automatic expectation that you be the person to do this. Why has HE not stepped up? I venture to guess if he were to be directly responsible for a few days, he’d find that his decision making would quickly be moving much faster than in his present plan.

Also you need to realize that once BIL sees “how well Mom is doing with you”, he’ll begin to see that “it will be wonderful for her to stay with you for just a little longer”, and her placement with you will start moving towards permanent.

I hope for your sake that you and your husband can be firm, unemotional, and totally resolute. Not safe in the pandemic, not fair to Mom to be in a temporary situation, not reasonable in a household with young children, themselves in a disrupted schedule........add more of your own, but in fairness and good conscience, SAY “NO”.

You are NOT out of line. Tell everyone no. The facility will have to find a place to safely discharge he to. I wouldn't even waste time with hubs and family. I would call the facility where she is to talk to discharge. Tell them that care plan is you, and you are not able to provide the necessary care. And that this is an unsAfe discharge.

You are not out of line.   Tell your DH you cannot manage, and this is too much.

Many facilities Assisted Living, Memory Care will take someone for "respite" and or to "try out the facility" to see if it is something they would consider.
Find a place that would be among the options that you will, as a family consider and see if MIL can be placed there for 3 to 4 weeks.
This will give you a bit of time to talk about where she should be placed permanently. It is possible that the place you select for the "trial" may work out since she will be used to the routine.
And you can go stay with family members if you quarantine yourself. Personally if a family member called and asked if they could come and stay with me for a while I would not have a problem with saying yes! Or you can find a little vacation spot and go. Since this decision seems to have been made without taking your feelings into consideration you can let hubby deal with the care of MIL.
AND speaking of quarantine...MIL has been in a hospital or psych ward for a week...has she been exposed by any other patient or staff member? If you have children in the house and you are still working what happens if you get sick? MIL should also be quarantined for 14 days. If she tests negative on the day she is released that just means she did not have the virus when she was tested, she could test positive at anytime after that.

The fact that she can't live alone does NOT mean that she has to live with YOU.

Have your husband and his brother discussed placement with the psych facility social worker and discharge team?