My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia today after spending a week in a psych ward. Docs say she can’t live alone. My bro in law wants her to live with us until we find permanent care, but he doesn’t want to rush his decision. He’s hoping to figure it out by July. I’m not sure I can last a month. She has never been nice to me, and although my husband and I have a solid relationship, every fight we’ve ever had involves her. We’ve even had to change family vacations because I can not tolerate a week with her because of how she treats me and my kids. All she does is sob now and I am concerned about how that will affect my young children, among other reasons. My husband wants to just enjoy the weekend as a family before picking her up on Monday. He doesn’t want to talk about what our daily routine would be like yet, maybe because he doesn’t know. But I need to know. I feel we should prepare the kids. He doesn’t even want her to know it’s my sons birthday, afraid she’ll feel bad about forgetting, but I feel that downplaying it is unfair to him. I am working from home due to Covid, yet my husband is going in to work. I will be home doing all the care. Finishing homeschooling, taking care of my kids, and my own work from home has been challenging enough. I feel that to be supportive I have to go along with this plan, but I don’t know that I can. I was given so much responsibility for something I’m not prepared for, and nobody asked for my input before signing me up. I fear what will happen to our marriage. I fear what it will do to my children’s image of her, and their mental health seeing her as she is. If I need a break, I won’t even be able to go stay with other family members because of quarantine. Am I out of line? Please help with any advice you may have.
With Covid-19 some communities are not offering tours or taking new residents. Your MIL may have to be on a waiting list for months.
Contact a care advisor from this website, they can help you. (Better yet have DH or BIL do it.) You are going to have to force her two sons to care for her because she their mother not yours. If MIL is already rude to you it won't get better. Your children will hear it all. Why hasn't DH ever confronted her on her behavior before her diagnosis? Until then she can live with BIL and he can experience what he is asking you to live.
It is easy to tell others what their job is when YOU are not the one having to do the care. YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST BEFORE YOUR MIL. Yes... I don't believe in just ignoring her like my ex did. (Yeah.. I divorced him. He was abusive to his kids and me) When MIL had problems... her house was condemned, he ignored it. I offered to move (she had altitude sickness and we lived in Colorado) but he would have none of it. Just ignored the issue. He then let his other family members deal with it and they did. He was always happy to let others take care of problems with his mom. There are some like that and is your hubby like that? I hope not. Hopefully, I would love to see this..........all family members, your siblings.. his siblings... aunts..uncles... get together for a family council and figure this out. Everyone should be responsible for helping to figure out what needs to be done NOT just one family OR one family member telling every body else what THEY are going to do. If it ends up that YOU are taking care of her then.... who will do the grocery shopping? ALL the grocery shopping? You let him know that he will be responsible for ALL the grocery shopping... ordering her medications... filling her med planners...picking up her meds at the pharmacy......keeping track and buying anything she needs......Doing the laundry when he is home. This way... he may see that he is expected to also do some of the work and then decide that this is NOT something that "he is prepared for". Yeah.. my ex would have me do EVERYTHING for his mom while he did NOTHING. Nope... do NOT do that. He also has to take on some of the responsibility and NOT leave it all on you or anyone else Now... if this can be done... and your kids can help... this is actually a great way for kids to see "real life" and learn how to do patient care. Kids can cook...bake.... clean..... help with grocery lists....Don't know how old your kids are...Do you have anyone at a church to help? The problem is... when YOU are doing this by yourself... YOU cannot do this yourself. I would make up a list of what needs to be done... the ordering of meds... picking them up... buying groceries... etc... and make sure he sees it. You are not going to think of everything. But.. your hubby needs to take on added responsibility for homeschooling... grading papers... making assignments.. making sure the kids are on track and doing what they are supposed to be doing. These days, kids are NOT maturing. What I mean by that... they are waited on hand and foot. They can help with the other kids..They can cook, bake clean...vacuum..sweep/mop...And do a ton of praying... I believe in prayer.
I's a great idea but may be met with denial.
I prepared one for a family member to show what was actually required & why I could not do it (I didn't even live at the address). It was "Oh". But then "It'll be ok". No not ok. Just denial was what.
So I showed my list to a Social Worker. Instant recomodation for assisted living - asap.
God Bless You For Loving & caring The arguments/disagreements have to stop!
Dr Jack Grenan
Given what you've said about your history with your MIL, she should not be living with you. You should not be expected to be the primary caregiver for her while your husband escapes to his work every day leaving you to care for your children, care for THEIR mother, and also try to work from home. It's an impossible ask. You will never get anything done. My mother didn't even live with me and it was a constant stream of phone calls and asks all day long while I was working.
Your BIL is making the decision that is right for HIM. And once you move her in, she will not leave. There will never be a reason for her to leave. You'll be told over and over to just "hang in there, it's just temporary". But it won't be.
You need to be strong and put your foot down. Dementia does not make people suddenly better people. She was just in a psych ward. Why can't BIL send her home with care? Or....he can temporarily move-in with her until he can arrange for care. Let me tell you...it won't take until July to figure something out if HE has to take care of her.
You are not out of line. You are not being unreasonable. They are being unreasonable putting this task on you. Being a mother, or gender female, does not automatically make you the most appropriate person to care for her. They are....her children. I hate that this happens so often.
Contact the hospital and say there will be no-one at home to care for her as you won't be doing it - so, unsafe discharge.
If things go wrong and you can't stop her coming (husband won't change his mind) be out when she is arriving and for as long as you can manage it - if possible go on vacation with the children. If you can't be away, tell husband you won't be home during the day while she's there and leave in the mornings before he does.
How old are your children? If they are old enough to cope your last resort could be: take to your bed and pretend to be sick. Husband then has to think of an alternative plan.