Am I mean or without heart if I don’t like making food for my husband's dad everyday?

I may be wrong, but this is what it sounds like to me:

You aren’t just bothered about cooking for FIL. Husband expects you all to share dinner too. You are newly married, 6 months pregnant, and you want a place to live with your husband. It’s not the marriage you expected. You are waiting on both of them, it’s a threesome and you don’t feel in charge of your own kitchen – or home or life. It may be saving money for your own future, but that’s not how it feels right now.

The sensible thing is to stop bothering quite so much about the food, and have a straight talk with your husband. Perhaps with FIL as well. How are the finances arranged? Could you and husband afford somewhere to live on your own? If this is saving money, where are the savings and how much has been saved? (I knew one situation where the money saved was NOT going into a bank account – it’s worth checking) What is FIL getting out of this, in terms of your ‘maid service’, and how much is it worth in money terms. Is the whole deal really helping your marriage?

Your husband needs to explain this all to you. And he needs to know that this is risking the start of your marriage. The deal may not really be in both of your best interests. You may have talked this through together in the beginning, but it’s truly important, and it deserves to be checked again.

I’m really glad that my marriage didn’t start like this, and I think perhaps I understand because my experience was a bit the same. My elder sister had a terrible stroke aged 26, and my mother moved interstate to help with her pre-school children while she was in hospital for some time. My brand new husband and I had to move out of our rented flat, into my mother’s house, and to be with my difficult younger sister. It was the right thing to do, but not what anyone wanted. Lots of love, Margaret.

Hi, I am in same situation as you right now. I am 24 yr with bf of 2 yr and currently pregnant while living at father in laws house. We are also here to save money and it’s a temporary thing. Bf pays rent and bills and I buy all the food from savings. At first I thought it was ok to live here because father in law very much minds his business and does not hang out much with family he just kind of stays to himself all day talks to no one so I figured it would be peaceful. It was at first but as time went by I realized that if I did not cook he would not eat.he will go 8 hours or more eating nothing. Me I am responsible I keep snacks around fast
meals and such because I know my body when I’m hungry I’m hungry! . My Father in law waits until I cook to finally eat. Kind of awkward to pull out food I front of someone who hasn’t ate in 8 hours bc they are looking at you like give me some. Also father in law is healthy and has money. Just lazy is all. When I first came here I would cook for everyone but out of kindness of my heart as time went buy I realized it was easy to get taken advantage of. Being newly together with my bf I want the experience of cooking for us two in the kitchen and soon the baby. But my main problem is my bfs dad does not buy groceries, does not cook, and will sit on couch until I cook something and I offer him some. I recommend that you follow your instinct feelings. If you can cook a little extra here and there why not. Otherwise order out with your bf and he should understand you are pregnant and don’t wanna play house made. my bf does understand me more but it makes me mad when I tell him I’m so ready to move out and he’s like wow you’re not letting me save money I’m like you can save when we move out privacy is peace. I know my
bf noticed since my pregnancy I stopped cooking those luxury meals because father in law only takes takes takes and never gives back or cooks for me or let alone saves me a serving when I cook for the two of them! Also it’s really irresponsible of my father in law to just assume I want to cook for him every day and I don’t do it with a smile because I barely like cooking for my own bf let alone his dad. I believe in sharing but this is just too much especially when I will cook extra and sometimes father in law will finish all food and save none for me which is fine I guess I can cook more but being pregnant I barely want to cook anything without making faces at it. I am not a servant and you should not be treated as such! Also when I make extra father in law will leave ALL dirty EMPTY storage pans and expects me to slave away and just feed him then wash his dishes too . So. Not. Fair! I go to school full time and while I don’t work I am here as my bfs girlfriend and my bf pays his portion of rent which is good amount. Hang in there hope my advice helps sometimes people expect nicest of you when they can’t even take the effort to help there own selves! My
mom raised me independent to cook clean for me father in law does not sweep or mop cook clean restroom or buy groceries he just eats mine. My
mom raised me to buy my
own things and make them last and also to save money! I like to share but when someone takes takes takes I can’t do it anymore! Take care of you first everything and everyone else comes second also as long as husband is fed don’t worry about no one else

Upon contemplating this entire situation, it just appears that op is not down for any part of the caregiving as it is, let alone how it may escalate. She sounds like she wants to exclude the dad from sitting at the table, which would be fine assuming it’s her table.

If, however, it is his table, she has no such privilege, baby or not.

ITRR I agree. maybe meal prepping is the way to go! I also can;t figure out if Tores is working ( and needs leftover for work) or if she is not. I always told my DDs friends that if it was here they were welcome to it. I think the bigger issue here is she is upset with her hubs and the situation,, And FIL is getting caught in the middle. At 6 mo preggers I was feeling great,,

Cook for the man and have him buy take-out once or twice a week to give you a break. He should be contributing by providing meals at his expense and effort. It is only fair.

I could never not feed someone in my home. I was taught that, if there isn't enough for everyone then nobody eats. I can see why your hubby is put out with your attitude.

You are going to have to figure out how to better do planned overs if you want lunch the next day.

I, personally, fix meals that can feed me and my husband for multiple meals, who wants to cook everyday?

With a baby on the way, I really recommend finding recipes that create enough meals for 3 people for at least 2 meals. You will be happy to have a freezer full of planned overs.

Another question seeking validation for feelings. I don't get it.

How hard is it to make more of whatever you're making? Is this actually involving significantly more labor?

Obviously if Dad is living with you he should be contributing to the household. Make a rotating schedule where he cooks one night, Hubby cooks, then you cook. Share the load.

Go ahead and feel whatever you feel. It doesn't change anything one way or another.

I didn't see the responses from Torres679 before answering, but I'm still confused by this

"And I get it but tell me why my father in law can cook I mean he does it. I don’t understand he keeps telling me I have to share and be nice but if I give food to my husbands father I don’t have any food to eat the next day. There is food in the fridge but I’m the bad Guy?"

If there's food in the fridge then that sounds like the issue is not having prepared leftovers for the next day, not food insecurity? Sorry, but this really sounds more like a marital problem centred around multi-generational living than anything related to AgingCare and caregiving. (maybe cultural expectations and/or misogyny too, but still not caregiving)

You say, "when I married my husband he told me that we were just living there temporary and soon get our own place but that never happened I keep telling him when and I get it. It’s not easy but when someone really wants it I think everything is possible. I love my husband but when he tells me I’m wrong and that i have a bad heart that just breaks me honestly."

You are living in your father in law's home; your husband is asking you to also feed his father when you cook food for yourself, which is not unreasonable GIVEN the fact that you are living IN HIS HOME. That's my opinion on the matter; you are a guest in this man's home, pregnant or not, and it's your husband's job to get you OUT of there and into your own home. He is wrong to tell you that you're 'mean and heartless' for not feeding his father, who is not 'too blind' to drive, but 'too blind' to cook........he's emotionally manipulating you to get HIS way, is what's happening. The two of you need to sit down and talk like adults about the future, the future of your child, where you're going to live, how the bills are going to get paid, and that sort of thing, b/c the 'feeding the FIL when you cook for yourself' is really secondary to the main issue at play here: that you're a guest in HIS home and need to move out.

Your husband owes you that much b/c he moved you into his father's home under false pretenses; telling you it would be 'temporary', then it becomes permanent, and you're expected to cook and feed the father in law also, and now there is a baby coming. Plus, when you feed the FIL there's no food for you to eat the next day, for whatever reason that is, I don't know. If hubby wants you to cook food for his father, and there isn't enough for you the next day, then hubby needs to provide you with MORE FOOD so you & your baby have enough to eat.

You have a lot to work out between you and your husband right now, which I suggest you do before this new baby is born into the chaotic environment that exists in your father in law's home.

Wishing you the best of luck and congratulations on becoming a new mom. I sincerely hope everything works out and your husband pulls his head out of his behind long enough to see what he needs to do here. Before it's too late.

It sounds like the poster may be dealing with "food insecurity". She writes that if she feeds FIL, there is nothing for her to eat the next day.

And since she's pregnant, that a problem

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of cooking just enough food for one or two with no leftovers🤔. I can't see why it is more difficult to put a little more in the pot, so this comes across to me as a passive aggressive way to get across your disapproval of the whole arrangement.

Being pregnant isn’t easy. Wouldn’t it be nice if they cooked for you? You might suggest it. And then go back to bed. They don’t deserve you.

It's hard to say without knowing more details. You and your husband are living in your FIL's home, it sounds like. What are your arrangements? Are you paying rent or contributing monetarily to the household? Do you have some sort of understanding about shared expenses?

From where I sit, if you're renting from your FIL at market rate and sharing in the costs of running the household, then, no, you are not obligated to cover the cost of feeding an extra person. If your FIL is doing you a favor by letting you stay with him at an overall savings to you, then it would seem you could include him in your meal plans as a gesture of gratitude and kindness. Could you reach an agreement that breakfast and lunch are everyone for himself, and you and husband include FIL at dinner?

I'm sorry but LOL

You're "chef" for both of them, and if he does not need it right now, you'll probably be a caregiver for FIL down the road.

Have you ever seen the photos of a pregnant woman standing in front of a stove or in the kitchen barefoot? That's how both these guys see you.

Is food in short supply?

Are any of you getting SNAP benefits?

Are you in the U.S.?

It sounds to me like you view FIL as a housemate, and your husband views his dad as a family member.

I don’t cook for housemates, they fend for themselves. For family, I cook to feed everyone. It would be rude to have some family members eating a meal and other family members look on wishing they could be fed too.

I can understand your husband’s side. If I were living with my mother, or her with me, if I cooked I would cook enough to feed her because she was family.

"He gets mad because I don’t like sharing my food with his dad."

You are living with Dad. The food you are cooking is that bought by your husband or you. Does your FIL contribute money to the groceries you buy or does he buy his own? Are you on a very tight budget? Do you pay your way such as paying FIL rent, sharing the utilities?

If you are not contributing monetarily by paying rent or utilities, then I feel feeding Dad should be no problem if you are cooking a meal. Example: My 75 yr old husband is very capable of getting himself a bowl of cereal, putting toast in the toaster and pouring himself a glass of juice. I have certain things I eat for breakfast. He golfs and leaves before I am up. On days he is home I may make us breakfast of pancakes, french toast or eggs and what goes with it. If I had a FIL with me I would think nothing of making extra for him. I am already cooking. Same with lunch, (which we rarely eat)if I was making a grilled cheese for my husband I would ask my FIL if he wanted one. Dinner same thing, if I am cooking for two why not 3. Your not expelling any more energy adding one more person.

Now, if my FIL expected me to cook him 3 meals a day, that may be a problem if I am not already cooking. But it doesn't seem that that's what's happening here. I can't understand why since your cooking already, why you cannot cook for one more. If its a budget thing then you tell ur husband if your going to feed Dad then your husband needs to give more money towards groceries or Dad needs to contribute. You say"my food". Are you the one who buys the groceries?

Hello, an interesting situation! Do YOU think you are mean if you don't like making food for your husbands dad everyday?
In my opinion that's the question to ask YOURSELF. What your hubby thinks, or any of us, is kind of irrelevant at the end of the day.
Having said that, from your post I would say hell no, you are NOT mean at all. But your husband telling you you are a "bad person" is your trigger it seems, as it would be mine too. Its emotional blackmail. None of us want to be seen as a 'bad person.' Once you start thinking you are NOT a bad person (for me to get to this point I started listing in my head all the kind/caring things I do for others and soon realised...'hey, I actually do so much for other ppl, I'm not perfect at all, but I do many things for others'). Once I realised I wasn't such a mean/selfish person after all it seems, when such comments came my way, I had an answer to state the opposite which I expressed calmly and respectfully. Yh sure, some family members will of course say I am mean/selfish and dont do enough for my elderly parents...they are the ones that will say that no matter how much I do. "I DECIDE" what I can/can't do and I am happy with MY level of commitment to my elderly parents. Good luck!

Torres, I'll add to your comments to explain what I can imagine I would do.. but really, this is about what is right for you ❤️.

My DH is currently the cook, but for decades it was me. If my FIL (or whoever) moved into our place when I was cook, I would cook for him - just as I cook for us, kids, kid's friends, whoever is home at the time.

If however, I was living in FIL's house.. hmm. This depends on the 'deal' we made. Is it rent for service? Eg FIL provides free or reduced rent for chores done by you/ husband : mowing, repairs, cleaning, cooking etc.

So what was the original deal? Why did you both move in? To help FIL or to help you & husband?

Anyway, regardless of the original why, this plan is now not working for you. It also has the dangerous potential to slide into worse.

I am truly sorry your husband is using the word 'selfish'.

You want my honest opinion?

That word can be used for manipulation. An awful tool to inflict guilt. (It worked well, right?)

Why? So he can look like he has an obedient wife? So he keeps on FIL's good side? Because he is ashamed he can not provide you with a home himself? (No shame - living is pricey these days).

What's SELFISH is these two men expecting to be served like Kings by a woman expecting!

Tread very carefully.

Don't risk your safety hurling the selfish word back unless very VERY sure a calm, rational, safe discussion can be had.

I would seek help from a service that assists woman.

Btw, do you have any relatives you could stay with, if it came to it?

My final thought: Marriages always contain cracks (big or small). Cooking for FIL may have exposed a crack... Hopefully this is a small one, that with good communication can be worked through to make things stronger in the longer term.

Even if you're not expected to do anything for your FIL now except cook for him, you will be expected to do more as he declines. Does your H take care of him now? What does "take care of him" mean?

No hope of ever moving out of fil's house?

I'm sorry for your difficult pregnancy. Hubby needs to be a bit more sensitive. I don't know your situation but maybe hubby can take dad shopping so you won't have to share your food. He can get some microwave meals for dad to eat. Is this your home or hubby's dad's?

Why is the Dad living with you? Is this supposed to be a permanent situation? Soon you will be recovering and dealing with a newborn which can be exhausting especially in the early.months.

I think it would help if you would provide more details about why this living situation with your FIL in your home has come to be. Your husband needs to come around and have you state to him that you married him and not his father. Continue to not cook for him. They are making you an indentured servant.

With a babe on the way, only natural to be refocusing your care instincts & reprioritising. This comes easier to women as we are making physical adjustments constantly throughout a pregnancy. Men watch us change shape but imho, don't get the HUGE adjustment until that new human is before their eyes - crying & demanding their spouse's attention, body & emotions.

So your home has 3 peoplr. Soon to be a household of 4.

How will FIL react to addition of a newborn? Making noise, mess, demanding attention *coming FIRST*?

You may be married to just one man, but have found yourself in a social contract to include another.

This 'social contract' could have deep roots of expectations, including cultural & gender roles.

Are you seen as the 'cook' of the household? So therefore, being cook to all residing under the roof? Maybe you get home first? Or are the better cook? Or is it because you are a woman?

Don't get me wrong.. I'm not saying to just suck it up.

But I am wondering if the growing resentment to cook for FIL is part of a bigger picture? Of the wider expectations you are/will be FIL's caregiver?

I think a good think about what your new family unit will be like is in order. Then an honest chat with your husband needs to be had.

If you BOTH decide to include FIL in your household going forward, OK. Or is it is time for FIL to find alternative accommodation?

No

Answer would be no even if you weren't pregnant... but since you are, wow. Big no.