Am I doing all I can?

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Am I doing all I can?

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My mom is 83 years old and has several health problems managed with medication. She doesn’t drive anymore. She does cook, clean, do laundry and play bingo. Recently her dr has mentioned some further testing to her and she refuses to have anything else done. She says she’s been through enough. This is breaking my heart. I’ve tried to talk her into it and she is adamant she’s not doing it. I feel like I’m failing as a daughter. I have severe anxiety that if I leave (I live next door) she will need me and I won’t be here. When I am at work I’m constantly worrying. If I go out with my husband, it’s constant worry.

Anxiety Family Caregiver Mom Refusing Care

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Jane, welcome!

I assume this testing is related to mom's physical issues (cardiac and pulmonary) right?

AND you're afraid if you are not right there, she might keel over and die, unattended?

Is mom of sound mind? Does mom see why you're worried?

If your mom is at peace with "I'll go when my time comes, stop worrying about me", then there's not a lot you can do.

Make every moment you are with her a joyful one. Has she considered talking to her doc about hospice or palliative care if she wants no intervention?

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We can only be responsible for ourselves in this life. My father used to say this: "We come into this world alone & we go out of this world alone." And he was right. No matter what we do, we can't change that fact.

Your mother has every right to stop with all the 'further testing' her doctor wants to do, and to live the rest of her life as she sees fit. How are YOU 'failing as a daughter' by HER making such a decision? Stop thinking emotionally and start thinking logically, with your brain instead of your heart. Your mother is making a logical decision here which has nothing to do with you as a daughter. Consider yourself fortunate to have a mother with a head on her shoulders! So many of us here have been saddled with parents who want every single medical intervention taken on their behalf, no matter what cost to US it winds up taking, so their lives can be extended to 100+!! No matter how sick they are with terminal cancer or end stage liver disease, or in your mother's case, heart and lung disease which probably cannot be 'fixed'. In this case, your mother wants to live the rest of her life in peace w/o going to 100 doctors and being poked and prodded and tortured in the process! For that I give her a ton of credit and have the utmost respect for her. You should too. Living with dignity is better than dying with feeding tubes and ventilators any day, the way I see it.

Stop looking at this from your perspective and start looking at it from your mother's instead. What she needs is your support rather than your insistence she do things your way. How is she to feel if she sees you riddled with extreme anxiety all the time over her choices in life?

If you can't stop constantly worrying and feeling anxiety over your mother's health choices, see your doctor for a full medical work up. There are anti anxiety medications that can be prescribed that may help you see things more clearly. Nobody should have to live with severe anxiety to the point they can't work or go out with their husband for worrying.

Best of luck living your life anxiety free & allowing your mom to live hers in the way she sees fit to.

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Thank you Lealonnie for all your wise answers. All of us on the forum appreciate your wisdom and common sense! Jane - hopefully, you can take a deep breath and put your Mom in God's hands.

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Respect her choices. Once you understand it's her life and not hers, you can be supportive instead of thinking it's your job to fix her.

It isn't.

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It is not about you, it is about her and her choices. She seems to know what she wants.

If I were you, I would get therapy to help you cope, your issues are extreme.

She seems ok, it is you that has the problem, please get the help you need as someday she will die, and I hate to think where you will go emotionally when that happens.

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It's her decision to make, not yours. I suggest you speak to your doctor about meds for your extreme anxiety. Talk therapy might also prove beneficial. What will happen to your Mom will happen whether you are present or not. Live your life and let your mother make her own decisions. She is not a child who needs your constant hovering.

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I don't blame her for not wanting more testing. If her problems are being managed ok with medication, at some point, it's time to back away from so much testing, etc. If they uncover a new issues, what then? More meds? A procedure? Will your mom say no to these? Is she of sound mind?

You are NOT failing! Don't bring it up anymore. If she does not have dementia, let her make her decision and respect it. Accept that it's OK to decline at 83 years old, if that's what she chooses. You've talked to her so you've done your part. Try to calm down and allow her her right to not seek more care. Please find a way to stop your severe worrying. It's not good for you!

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Laugh

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Doctor's must give their patient all the information. The good and the bad so no one comes back and tries to sue saying the doctor never told them this or that. Your Mom probably been thru enough poking and prodding. She just wants to be left alone. Seems she is still pretty independent. I doubt at her age they will do a transplant and if they do, no guarantee it will work. And she has to go thru all that pain.

You will just need to come to the realization that Mom will pass someday. It happens to us all. Enjoy her while she is here and tell her you love her. Make happy memories.

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Doctors don’t necessarily give the patient all information. Four relatives that I cared for never knew they had dementia. And in only one case was it mentioned to me, the caregiver. But it was obvious to people who were around them much.

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If she says enough...then that should be the deciding factor.
Would any tests tell more than what she knows already? Or are they looking for a "new" problem.
If she needs you I am sure you can be reached by phone.
And if it is an emergency you would do what she should do and call 911. If that happens you can meat her at the hospital. (actually she would probably get seen sooner if brought in by EMS rather than you.)
You do what you can for her, and it sounds like she does well for herself.
Let her live the rest of her life the way she wants. I am sure she is envisioning laying in a hospital and that is not how she wants things to go.
You ask if you are doing all you can...the answer is yes but pushing your mom for testing that she does not want is over stepping.
If it would help you talk to your doctor about your anxiety. If it is consuming your life that way it is not healthy for you.

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You ask, are you doing all you can. I say no.

Your Mom is tired of the poking and prodding and for all we know, all the medication that she is taking could actually be making her more tired than she should be, leaving her just feeling tired of life.

You ask are you doing all that you can. I say no because what you can do, is respect and support her in her decisions. Talk to her, truly listen to her. Do your own research on her health problems. Do your own research on her medication. Listen to seminars on her health conditions. Do you go to the doctor's appointments with your Mom? If not, go to them and be a second set of ears. With your Mom's consent, ask the tough questions of the doctors with the research you have done and with what your Mom has told you. Learn all there is to know about the health problems she has and how it is affecting her.

You say she doesn't drive anymore. Are you driving her or does she find her own rides? Does she enjoy cooking or cleaning? If not, take on some of those tasks so that she doesn't have to do it all herself.

So, take over some of her current burden. Give her a chance to "catch her breath". Instead of pushing her to do something, understand what she is going through and make her feel better about the decisions she is making by being a second set of "ears", observing what is happening, and asking the tough questions to the medical professionals. Once she has some confidence, then she might be willing to try new options, if in your opinion and research, those options are worthwhile.

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Get a medical alert for her to have at all times, and do NOT EVER be the only
person doing things for her. One cannot & should not be doing it all! And let her be independent as long as possible!

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Ideally, yes. Don't be the only caregiver. Realistically? All too common for it to be a single caretaker doing it all.

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This is our constant worry as a caregiver, am I doing enough, could I do more? It sounds like you are doing more than enough and you should take comfort in that. I would not want my son devoting his life to taking care of me, and he isn't going to do it anyway. I would hope that he makes sure that I am reasonably safe and healthy and then gets on with his life. The suggestion of medicalert bracelet is a good one and let your mother decide how much medical care she wants.

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If you can just be there to support whatever decisions she makes and the ramifications of them, you are doing what she needs. Guilty feelings don't seem to accomplish much--at least they haven't for me. And they do crowd out clear thinking. These times are lessons in surviving without controlling. One of my favorite sayings: You can hold the handle and pretend you are in control. But it is much more fun to let the wind take you. Wishing you the best.

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Medical alert button. May take a little bit to get the create the habit of putting it on every single day. May also have some resistance to even agreeing to wear it. That's when you have a firm conversation with her about how her decisions create anxiety for you. Ask her open ended questions - if doctor told me I needed some tests run for xx problem and I refused to do them, tell me how you might feel about my decision. Tell me about something that might make you worry about me (or other children). If she even has worries about others (some lose that ability as they age), then explain how anxiety is causing you problems and that a medical alert button might be able to let you relax a little when you are out of each other's sight. Toss in a little - I'm doing my best to help you stay in your home and honor your wishes. Can you help me to make all this easier for me. --- A little guilting never hurts if it still works.

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Awwww. I'm so sorry. My father decided the same thing: NO MORE TREATMENT~! He lived for several years, but he was only happy when I was there or when he could flirt with someone~! Next, my mother. She received good medical treatment for her entire life. She was in a very lovely continual care facility and felt safe there, near all of her family and friends. But...she lived to 105. It was not good at all. I won't go into details but I'm sure we could do nothing at all to help her in her final two years of life. In my opinion, and you are a wonderfully caring woman, this is YOUR issue and you need a clinical social worker or a psychologist to help you for a bit. This is no way to live~! Please seek help so that your anxiety doesn't ruin your life. You can establish a system so that your mother can get help, if needed, 24-7. Please. Get some professional counseling and perhaps medication. Everyone will be relieved, especially the guy who married you. xox

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What we did for my BIL we put ring cameras in his apartment. One in the kitchen and one in the bedroom. It has helped us see what he is doing and since he has dementia it helps calling him for breakfast, lunch and dinner because he forgets to eat and take his pills.

You need to take care of yourself, we love our parents but there is a time when its time to let them do what they want to do. I also know this because of my mother who is 86 she decided to remove paneling and sheetrock from the basement walls and we ended up in the ER from her falling off a step stool. She is going to do it no matter what you just have to be there when she needs you.

Prayers.

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Respect her decision in not getting more tests. Some people don’t want to know more dreaded bad news about their eventual end. Life is hard enough without more medical issues to worry about. Agree with getting a medical alert button and placing cameras in her home so that at any time, you can visually check on her. Maybe hiring a companion to check in on her would also ease your mind.

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How much treatment and intervention your mother is willing to endure are entirely her decision. She is the one who would have to go through procedures and protocols that might keep her alive longer but sicker and in worse condition than she is in now. If her medical issues are not likely to be curable, why should she prolong her life in a more helpless condition instead of accepting a shorter time of still getting along pretty well

Your anxiety is more about your fear of her dying than of her own.

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Your mother cooks, cleans, does laundry, plays bingo... She's living her best life!! Let her make the decision as she will anyway and be happy she can still do those things. You can't be there 24-7 as much as we would want to. You're married. It has to be hard on your significant other also with your worry for her. The worry is natural but if she says she's been through enough whether it's true or not it's her truth. I wish my mom was able to do those things. That's a blessing. Unless you want to quit working and stay with her all day and night you just can't be there for every issue. It's just not realistic. And you live next door so that should be enough eyes on her anyway. You can walk right over. But, you need to address you and your anxiety about her. If not careful you will be in worse shape than her. I'm sure you're doing all you can and trust me my mom is 89 with dementia and cannot even walk or talk so you're doing everything possible and can be right there next door if something doesn't feel right to go right over and check. How many kids have that luxury? Maybe talking to someone might help you but get some kind of help or find something that makes you happy where you can reconcile that your mom will be okay and if not family is right next door. I hope you find peace with this situation and every thing turns out great for you all!! Hang in there!!

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Janeewo you have a lot on your plate, husband, job and a mom that needs a lot of help. Just do the best that you, nobody (including yourself)should ask more then that. You are a good person and a good daughter.

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It sounds like your mom is doing fine. If you have concerns about her well being see if she will let you place a small camera you can check during the day in her living area. My dad has one and is glad I can check in on him. When he slept upstairs I had one there to but not pointed towards the area he would dress or use the urinal. I put an item near the camera where I could see his head in the bed, but if he stood I could not see anything from the neck down.

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How are you failing her? She is doing what she wants for her own life. She has lived a lot longer than you. Her expectations and goals are not the same as yours. Try to look at your mother's life from her perspective. As we age our goals and expectations change. At 40 I could not physically do what I did at 30--nor did I want to. My balance was worse, my eye sight was worse, my muscles didn't work as well. At 50 my body systems started complaining. During my fifth decade medical complaints became common conversations with my peers. The point is that our bodies decline with age and what we want from life changes. We get tired of the on-going health challenges both mentally and physically. We aren't as interested in fighting for things as we were when we were younger. This is your Mom, so I get that you want to keep her around. We all want our mommies. We still want them at 80 and 90 years old. Your mom has clearly told you what she wants. You would expect her to respect your wishes. I also recommend you seek counseling. Your anxiety is clearly interfering with your life and a counselor can help you gain some perspective. The counseling will also help your relationship with your mother as I imagine she is feeling an uncomfortable pressure from you.

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Please. Just. Stop. You’re not being fair to your employer, your husband — or yourself.

It’s not your job to overrule your mother or dictate what she should want, even if her decision is breaking your heart. It’s not your job to deny dying is a reality that, for some reason, we don’t include in living.

Goldie Hawn once said, “ today is the youngest I’ll ever be.” Please don’t sacrifice what is your mother’s best days to anger, discord and anxiety.

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Haven't you heard all the women yelling, "My Body, My Choice?" Won't you permit your mother to make her own choices? Sometimes our daughters make choices that cause us to lose sleep and to question our own parenting skills, so why is it anymore anxiety causing to have our mothers make their own choices?

If you are not home when your mother passes, you will need to accept the choices she made. Even if you lived in her home, she could pass when you're not with her. Is the separation anxiety just with your mother or does that affect your other relationships, do you think you could benefit from seeking a psychiatrist to discuss the issue and medication (which he/she is permitted to prescribe) to help you not to let fear of the unknown, consume you.

You can purchase an emergency necklace for her, incase of a fall and she needs help. Copy and paste: (https://www.consumersadvocate.org/medical-alerts/a/best-medical-alerts?pd=true&keyword=medical%20alert%20systems%20for%20seniors&gca_campaignid=176363822&gca_adgroupid=11296587062&gca_matchtype=b&gca_network=g&gca_device=c&gca_adposition=&gca_loc_interest_ms=&gca_loc_physical_ms=9033430&gclid=CjwKCAjww8mWBhABEiwAl6-2RRbQhutWyMEjdJqXMCZjuOkzi59BSLmMb2IGT8i6xFDLsXjAHQQsvRoCOqsQA
vD_BwE)

You can also purchase baby cams with her permission.

Smart Watches that offer phone service: that may be a great solution for both of you.

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I've found that the ring cameras give some reassurance that your loved one is well.. the feeling of guilt and anxiety is difficult to navigate for a caregiver(son or daughter).. we only want what is best for our parents , unfortunately alot of us try to do the best even at our own expense.

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Honor your mom's choices. You cannot control what other people do. Live your life while you can enjoy it! You are worrying over things you cannot control. Your mother has the right to make her own choices, good or bad. They are hers to make. Stop worrying so much, it's a waste of energy.

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I don’t know what goes on in peoples mind and I do not think the experts do either. I feel my wife has given up or she knows the end is near. I think she has accepted her reality even though she has dementia. If I tried to make her better I would go crazy. So the best I can do is keep her fed and clean and let life take its course.

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It might be helpful for you to connect with a local social worker who can explain your mother's options to you and your mother. Much will depend on her finances. She may be eligible to have in-home care a few times a week. You will get burned out if you do not learn to relax as a caregiver for your mother. You need to take breaks and to have times when you are not worried about her, when she is in someone else's care. Make sure that all of her paperwork is in order in case she becomes incapacitated and not able to care for herself (every adult should do this). Would you take over for her in this case? She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, she needs a living will with her advance medical directives, she needs a will if she has assets. I'm assuming you will be her POA. Her POA needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call with her sitting next to you. Most banks have their own POA forms. My mother made it very easy for me to be POA and to back her up when she got dementia by making me co-owner on her bank and financial accounts. We also got me a credit card on her account with my name on it so that I could purchase things for her. At some point, she may want you to take care of her finances, pay her bills, etc. When that time comes, it's best to have all her bills sent to your address, and to set up her accounts online with autopay, so that it's easy for you to handle things. Also, discuss with her a Plan B, if she does become unable to care for herself and if it becomes too much for you to provide the assistance she needs. Would she want in-home aides, or would she want to move to an assisted living facility where she'd have plenty of bingo partners and professional staff. What can she afford (the social worker and other senior caregiving networks would be able to help here). You most likely will have to help her if she decides to move, or even to interview caregivers and oversee her care. It's best if she lives close to you so that you can visit often and oversee her care. When my mother moved to a continuing care facility, I felt that I didn't have to worry. There were plenty of staff who would let me know if there was a problem with my mother, and who would call for an ambulence if anything urgent happened. All the best to you both, and try to help your mother to get arrangements where you don't have to worry so much.

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Seems your mom needs to have a person or group that she can contact if she needs help while you are unavailable. Life Alert, Siri, and Alexa all have options so your mom can "call" for assistance when she needs it.

As for getting your mom to submit to more testing, she is within her rights to decide against more testing or treatment - as long as she is mentally competent. If you are concerned about whether or not your mom is mentally competent, ask her doctor to "test" her cognition at every doctor's appointment and let you know the results.

If she is no longer mentally competent, then you must have legal documents giving you permission to act on her behalf for financial and medical matters. It might be helpful to talk with your mom about getting those documents drawn up by a local lawyer in the near future.

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Janeewo: You should not continue to think of yourself as failing as a daughter. That is simply untrue as your mother has determined that she desires no further medical testing. That is not on you.

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