I just realized yesterday that my father is laying one heck of a guilt trip on me. All this time, he's been telling me how unhappy he is, how he just wants to go home, the food is horrible, this place is horrible, you get the idea...
On my way up to his room yesterday, one of his CNAs got on the elevator with me and began telling me how great he's doing - participating in activities, going to the dayroom, playing dominoes with others, interacting and engaging with other people! When I get to his floor, I see him out in the dayroom, playing dominoes and seeming to be enjoying himself UNTIL he sees that I am there. Almost immediately I see his attitude change, he starts getting pissy with his playing partner and with me. So I take him downstairs to see my uncle and within two minutes, he's saying he wants to go back upstairs. As we are going to and fro, he's telling me how much he hates this place, etc. By this time I've realized what he is doing and I start to become a little detached and when he clams up and won't pay attention to me, I decide it's time to go. So, as I'm leaving, I run into another CNA and she begins telling me the same thing - about how he's engaging and going to activities...and it really begins to sink in that he's putting a guilt trip on me because he knows how I feel about him being there. I am the one that cries when it's time to go cause I don't want to leave my father someplace he's not happy.
So as this realization came to me, I begin to get angered that he is taking advantage of me like this! So do I say something about it to him or just let it ride and just keep in mind what he's doing? I feel so stupid for not seeing this earlier!
We do what we have to. He is 83. Why is there more Dementia? Because people are living longer. When I graduated 50 yrs ago the life expectancy was 65 to 70. Its now Seniors caring for Seniors. In ur situation, u probably work.
You did the right thing. I heard an aide say "they brought him too late". This was concerning a man who was brought to the AL in his later stage of Dementia. All he wanted to do was get out. Maybe if they had placed him in an earlier stage, he would have adjusted and as he worsened more likely to except the place as home.
In a perfect world it would be nice to have a parent in our homes. TV always pictured people with senility as just sitting quietly. Where in reality, they have to be watched like a child. Bathed, toileted, and messes cleaned up. Always on ur toes. The minute u sit down, ur needed for something. It takes a special person to caregive. I was not one of them.
Most importantly, let yourself off the hook, deep down you know he is where he should be and you have done the right thing for him, sounds like he's thriving, your the one grieving his change and you have every right to but experience it as grief not guilt.
One other thought, has he always been a complainer? I mean my FIL wasn't happy unless he could complain about something but only to his family not as a general downer to the world, some people are just like that or feel insecure or not recognized or think they are supposed to suffer to be good people or something throughout their lives and it's their way of making sure the people they love know how much they sacrifice or suffer.
Even in a good new life, you may still be reminding him of his losses, just because of your past connection to them.
You have the Blessing of observing and knowing that he IS happy in his new world, even though he still reacts to a reminder (you) that there was once something else.
SO- less reason to react to feelings of guilt. We all have them.