My husband and I are in our 40’s and we have 4 children. All are under 18 and the youngest 2 are Autistic. Now my husband has dropped the bomb on me that he wants his 75 year old mother to move in with us next month and he wants me to “help” him take care of her. He has already converted his office to a room for her even after I told him that I cant do this. My mother law and I get along fine but I would prefer if she stayed in her own home or went to an assisted living because Im caring for disabled children already and he frequently travels for work and im a stay at home mom. 2 of our children are completely non verbal and 1 is still in diapers because of the severity of his condition. It’s a lot. My husband clearly doesn’t care if it’s already overwhelming for me. He’s an only child and his mom never married and he said he feels obligated to take her in because she doesn’t have anybody else and she’s struggling financially. His mom is 300lbs and can barely walk. He said he is going to hire home health for her and it’s going to be ok but I still do not want this extra responsibility. I already have my hands full. He said I’m being unreasonable about this. It’s his mom and if he doesn’t want her in a facility, she’s not going. I just feel like this is very selfish of him to put this on me.
I am curious as to your husband's attitude to his mom moving in. Is he still thinking it's a good idea?
What time is she going home tomorrow? Don't wait too long or else she will want to stay a 'few' more days which might turn into weeks...
Perhaps, take her out to breakfast, after that drop her off at her house before noon. It might be easier to get her out of your house to eat than get her out to go home.
MIL may indeed become quite addicted (& quickly!) to being waited on. Some people confuse servitude with love..
My relative seems to lose all ability when entering someone's else's home. Expects to be waited on. Almost like a baby trying out it's powers of making Momma jump when it cries... Even wants help in bathroom.. which is why I no longer assist.
Do not let that visit blowout. Drop MIL home asap.
Talk to each other, understand his closeness to her but remember that you both have 4 others to worry about. If you have to have counseling to talk about it that may be a good start.
You are doing the right thing to not have her move in, It may seem like the right thing but with what her ailments are she will at some point maybe soon, need professional assistance.
Keep your home for you, trust me, I know!
Here’s an angle that may work using these relatives to your advantage.
When you talk to them, tell them how difficult the last visit was. Tell them how unhappy you were that MIL did this and that, inviting her friends, feeding unhealthy food to your kids, abusing the dog, etc. They will think you’re a bad DIL, but that’s a good thing. Wear that “bad DIL” badge proudly. Spread your reputation as a difficult DIL no MIL can live with peacefully. That will give them some things to gossip about which will sure get to MIL’s ears. And that’s a good thing too because it will discourage her from thinking that your house is a nice home to move into.
On another angle, occasionally remind your husband of the last MIL visit and how you don’t ever want a repeat of that.
Yes, yes, yes!
I can hear the power in your voice. You own the house and you allow who comes and who stays. You are the mother and you raise your kids your way.
While MIL was a visitor, she acted like she was the queen of the house by inviting her guests over, opening your mail, ignoring your rules about unhealthy food for your kids, putting your dog outside, etc.
Imagine if she was a permanent resident of your house, what else would she do? Everything she has done and worse. She would get into everything you, your husband and your kids do, she would try to run your lives, would try to get rid of the dog. Everyone would have to live under her rules. You and your husband would have no privacy, and would argue constantly over her, until you get so fed up and decide you would not want to live like this anymore. Shuder, shuder...
I am glad your husband agreed to take his mom home. Hope he'll remember how awful those 2 weeks were and not to repeat them again.
Your husband will need to do everything that his mom needs as long as she’s there. That might encourage him to cut the visit short.
Have you seen this post? Your husband should read it, too.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/im-so-stressed-out-with-my-mother-in-law-living-with-us-i-dont-know-how-i-should-handle-this-anymore-468687.htm?orderby=recent
He thinks that the only way his mother can be cared for is under his roof, his way. If MIL had said yes, he was going to ram the caregiving job down your throat whether you like it or not. I stand by my first recommendation that you two need marital counseling. The general rule in a marriage is that when it comes to big decisions, both spouses have to be in agreement to do something or it doesn't happen, the NO vote wins. In this case, you don't even have a vote. However, I am glad that you two get along great in all other aspects.
I share your concern that this issue is going to come up again in the future when MIL can no longer speak up for herself, or changes her mind.
MIL is a gem. She cares for you and thinks of how difficult it will be for you having to take on her care. I've been on this forum for about 3-4 years now, and I don't remember reading about a senior accepts going to a nursing home willingly. It's always the opposite. The elderly fight tooth and nail against going to a facility, even Assisted Living. That's why sp196090 was surprised by MIL's decision.
For now, see if MIL would be willing to put her wishes down on paper in the form of living will or advance directives. I wish you and your family well.
Best of luck to all of you; may you all be blessed with peace, grace, love and joy.
you already do so much, you are a saint and I understand doing it for the love of your own children.
Your in law is only 75 years old. She is too young to be in care, and if she does need help then it should be found for her while in her own home. I am assuming she is not living on the streets and has her own residence?
If she needs companionship I'm sure you do not have the time nor energy. She should join a community.
I think perhaps your husband is making a decision based on emotions and is not thinking straight, but if you both talk about it more, without the emotional side and more on a practical level, I'm sure he will come to his senses.
I personally could not do it, your plate is not just full, but it's spilling.
It would be too big of a disruption for you and your children.
I am going to be honest and hope you do not do this, but at the same time find a good situation for her, and I hope everyone involved can come to a decision that works for everyone, because it has to work for everyone, that means you too.
btw: what cultural aspect is there? I missed reading that.
I just want to comment on the "cultural" aspects of this situation. I highly recommend the book "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande. We are all going to die. Most of us will be old for a while before that happens. How can we assure the best quality of life for our loved ones during that period? Gawande is an American doctor, with roots in India. He talks a lot about how things have changed ALL OVER THE WORLD, that impact realistic expectations of care for the elderly. For example, "We take care of our own," might have been the best we could come up with, whether it was good for everyone or not, but "we see that our own have the best care available" might be a better approach now.
It is a very insightful and compassionate look at aging and "what matters in the end."
I am not for or against NHs. Probably I categorise them as 'unfortunate necessities', along with parking metres. Just aren't enough parking spots in the city & just not enough family members to go around!
Two generations ago the women took care of the babes & elders at home. Now women are better educated & most are in paid work out of home, the babes in childcare. Elders are home alone... So woman have been freed from childcare & elder care to have careers instead 🤣 yeah??
The other big point is family size. 10 kid families reduced to 2 now. Those 10 that lived close by, married young with grands all helping out... This gen is now 2 or 3, many interstate. Maybe all elder care left on one.
H3ll, my daughter could 'inheirit' 3 Aunts without children + her parents + future in-laws!
Call it cultural, or just modern civilisation - the maths just don't work imho.
PS no matter what anyone thinks about who should etc if you CAN'T do it then you CAN'T do it.
I am so very glad to hear your husband is rethinking his plan and being open to hearing and seeing things from our real life caregiving experiences. I am also glad he was able to look past the negative tone and comments we made about him, to see our advice. He's a very generous guy in my book. And we said all those things because we wanted to defend you.
I hope you, too, can overlook JennaRose's one comment that you didn't like. All her other comments were in support of you. JennaRose is a very gracious lady and it shows in her apology to you.
I hope after the family meeting, you and your husband will come out as one united team working together to find the best solution for everyone: you, him, your children, and MIL.
As for coming from a different culture, my husband wasn't born in the US either. In his culture, elders live with their family. In fact, his grandma lived with her 2nd husband and youngest daughter who took care of her for many years until she died (of Alzheimer's.) Her daughter sacrificed her life. She didn't date and never married (no time and energy.) Taking care of her mother (my husband's grandmother) basically consumed her life. Now that her mother passed away, she's way beyond child bearing age. She can date, but at her age now, there are fewer prospects. That was the price she paid for adhering to her culture.
Typically, when a poster asks a question, s/he shares the pertinent information, including culture if it's important. Sometimes, we ask about the cultural background the poster comes from if it seems relevant. If not shared, then we typically don't go ask.
Best wishes to you FedUpWife.
As I've mentioned before on here I am with a man of a different culture. I didn't buy into it when I first met my mate and I still don't. We can set limitations on ourselves by just bowing down to cultural expectations or decide we are individuals and can do and be what we want to be. That's what I did. I have no relationship with my in-laws and yeah it can make things complicated sometimes but I don't want to even think about the alternative.
My hubs parents are 91 and 85 years old and often say "We don't go into nursing homes in our country" It's getting complicated because they are both declining and my hubs and his sisters are going to need outside help very soon. They both drop everything and run over there at a moments notice but that won't be enough soon and the in-laws will eventually need a live in caregiver especially if they refuse to move into outside care.
I don't get involved. Does that make me selfish? No, it's called self-preservation.
Cultural stuff? Yes, I get that. Cultual background is about stories that are passed down, aphorisms that become cast in stone.
"We take care of our own"
"Nursing homes are for people whose children don't love them"
"The only people who play golf are people who don't love their wives."
"Sleepaway camp is for children whose parents don't love them".
So, which of those is true?
I was brought up on l all of those and no longer believe any of them. Families, situations and cultures change.
I love this response, Barb!