I came home from a walk the other day and the house was full of smoke, a burnt pan on the stove, and burnt corn. This is the third time this has happened in a year. I've been taking care of my mom for 16 months, and it has nearly destroyed my health. I have multiple chronic illnesses. I've been begging my family members to help me, but they find it no big deal. I finally found an assisted living facility nearby that we could all agree on. This was a family battle all in itself that caused massive symptom flares for me that I'm still dealing with, but we all finally agreed. But my mom's best friend came over yesterday begging and pleading not to make her go. They were both upset and crying, my mom not wanting to go at all. I feel so guilty, but I've posted before, continuing this pattern will kill me eventually, leaving no one to care for her. I was up all night, contemplating if I'm making the right decision. My mom has cognitive decline but not full-blown dementia. Am I doing the right thing? I'm feeling selfish and heartbroken for her.
Best of luck to you!
I am going through the same thing. I've been caring for my mom, 24 hour care, PEG, hoyer, full ADL's with a malignant pathological narcissistic husband for 1.5 years. Gave up everything & it's finally taking a toll on me. My life or hers; I see it clearly now. You and only you can make that decision; the breaking point, when you know, for the last time, when you've had enough, when you've weighed all of you options and you know that any option will cause you pain, but which pain will be more freeing. I am trying my last and final option now and then, I too will have to make that decision, not only because I'm unable to work, depleting my savings account to keep her (and her healthy savings, which will go to her husband) alive but because it's depleting me mentally and physically. I was once strong as an ox, and while I'm still strong, I feel that I'm half the person I once was. I'm not happy and that reflects on the quality of care I am providing her. I want better for us both and I know you feel the same way.
Guilt is the thief of life ~ much easier said than felt (TRUST ME). I've learned over the past year and half that our parents become selfish in their old age; heroes that once made their children a priority above all, now put themselves first, and not maliciously but almost as a warped safety mechanism. They still love us unconditionally but something changes, like you said, not dementia but they're not the same. I realized when my mom lost her 'motherly instinct', that it was time that I get serious about my life; it was a game changer.
You see the light, and at your pace, you will make the best (not right, there is no right) decision for you and your mom.
Stay strong (for us both) and for mom!
who can tell what any facility is actually like until a person is living there but quite honestly im looking forward to living someplace where im cared for and my room is cleaned, my meals are fixed for me, and entertainment is provided if i am interested.
cant your moms friend visit her there instead of your house ? Maybe shes jealous ?
maybe your sibs just dont want to pay for something for your mom that youre doing for free ???
My mother was a volatile, angry, yeller and screamer - then a sad, apathetic cryer the next minute. She also had a lovely, smiley, pleasant side. I helped her for years. Because of her emotional needs, I ruined my health and my emotional stability. The guilt needs to be understood. Why was it that I couldn’t just hire someone for her care and walk away? I think it’s because, after years with her, I essentially became her mother.
Guilt, I think, overtook me because I knew I could keep helping my mother, but I didn’t want to. Right there is the catch. It felt like I didn’t want to, but the truth is that my entire psyche was telling me that I had to stop. Guilt told me that I must help. Reason told me to stop.
Emotion always hits first. Guilt is emotion. I had to get myself to a place where I knew that it was actually an emergency to get away from my mother, since I was falling apart and I couldn’t fix anything for my mother. She would continue to get worse because all people get old and begin to fall apart. There was nothing to fix. It’s sad. It’s nobody’s fault.
Best of luck to us both!
Her friend is expressing that she will miss having your mom next door. Give her friend contact information and address of her new "home." Encourage mom's friend to go visit her there.
If it were me, I would have a heart to heart with your moms best friend. This is a courtesy conversation, because she isn't the one caring for your mom...it's not her call. Explain to her that the stress of caregiving is causing you health issues and this is the best decision for all involved. Explain to her that her emotional outburst about the decision is not helping you or your mom. Tell her you would appreciate it if she could be more positive around your mom. After all...you're not sentencing your mom to death. You are moving her to a nice assisted living apartment where three shifts of young, fresh, professionally trained caregivers can give her what she needs. Her friend can visit her every day is she chooses, but not if she is going to be negative and crying and getting your mom all worked up about it.
It aged me horribly taking care of mom. When I moved her to assisted living, I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my chest. You are doing the right thing.
In perspective, not only is your health and safety at risk (what if you were napping instead of walking, and the house caught fire???), but this is a safety issue for both you and your Mom. As caregivers, we have to put safety first. I think on the grounds of safety, your Mom requires supervision 24/7 to be in an environment where she cannot be a hazzard to herself or others. Your house is not that, and you can't make it that way unless you hire an aide to be there all the time. Ask your siblings if they will cough up the dough for that?
Aside from that, this friend that came over, why doesn't she offer to sit with your Mom on a regular basis so you get a break and have a life? If she's so concerned about your Mom and stirring up your Mom about the move, put that question to her. She'll either back off or commit to putting her money where her mouth is.
Sorry for my agressive post. This pushed a button in me. I'm so over how non caregivers judge a caregiver when they, sympathetic or not, really have NO CLUE of our caregiver reality. I support your decision. Hard as it is, sounds like it's time for Mom to live in a safer home. Since she's mobile and semi-capable. there's no way you - or any of us - could provide that in our private home.
I used to counsel caregivers for the Area Agency on Aging and prepared a workshop I was giving. In my research I found a study that showed, all other things being equal, caregivers have a 63% higher mortality rate than others of similar age. That was shocking and sobering for myself and the attendees. Do take care of yourself. No one else is.
Assisted living is not the same as a nursing home. People picture the worst of nursing home situations and make assumptions. Clearly you want the best for your mom. You can visit her every day. People are often surprised by how nice these places are.
Her best friend has no say in this situation. My own mother had “friends” that wanted to interfere in my decision making. Yet they took no responsibility at all for her care, and they watched while she went downhill and lived in squalor and did nothing about it.
Guilt is a useless emotion. The assisted living move is the first of MANY hard decisions YOU will need to make on behalf of your mother in the future. You need to be healthy and in a better head space to continue this journey. Letting well meaning friends and hands-off family members make you doubt yourself is not helping you at all. You have done a great job for the last 16 months. You tried and are smart and strong enough to recognize it’s not working. You thought this through. Trust yourself.
A burnt pan house full of smoke 3x,? Very fortunate so far that nothing worse has happened. As far as the friend is concerned, I would ask her how many days of the week can she take to help take care of your mother for you? Unless she is willing to get into the trenches with you in regards to your mother she needs to stop making it worse by her actions. I am sure she truly loves your mother, but what is best for your mother is what is important. And you with your health issues, if you are shut down your mother will end up in a facility anyway but without you being able to be there for her. My father HAS cognitive decline, and I still feel guilty. But I know its the best place for him to be. I visit him regularly take him shopping, take him to visit family. I still take him to his dr's appointments. And when he has his days of clarity is when it is really hard. But I remind myself of why he needs to be there. It will be a time of adjustment but you have to take care of yourself. Sorry so long, but this subject has been the hardest to deal with.
and not safe…. Not to mention the decline in both of your health.
find the best care home you can afford …she will be well cared for and you’ll be a loving daughter bringing her goodies … she’ll have activities and lots company .
there’s always the guilt especially if they ask go home but nobody can do this job well in their home and you have to make decisions for both of you .. good luck and keep intouch
this is best place for help not those
‘drive by’ relatives and friends.