I came home from a walk the other day and the house was full of smoke, a burnt pan on the stove, and burnt corn. This is the third time this has happened in a year. I've been taking care of my mom for 16 months, and it has nearly destroyed my health. I have multiple chronic illnesses. I've been begging my family members to help me, but they find it no big deal. I finally found an assisted living facility nearby that we could all agree on. This was a family battle all in itself that caused massive symptom flares for me that I'm still dealing with, but we all finally agreed. But my mom's best friend came over yesterday begging and pleading not to make her go. They were both upset and crying, my mom not wanting to go at all. I feel so guilty, but I've posted before, continuing this pattern will kill me eventually, leaving no one to care for her. I was up all night, contemplating if I'm making the right decision. My mom has cognitive decline but not full-blown dementia. Am I doing the right thing? I'm feeling selfish and heartbroken for her.
Mom will be safe and cared for, and you will be freed up to be a daughter again.
Her friend can visit, talk on the phone with her, and even take her to lunch if she likes -- Mom's not going to prison for crying out loud.
Change is hard for everyone, especially older people, but circumstances change and lead to the need for updates in living circumstances. You've done the right thing, and of course you haven't abandoned her.
Yes, you are doing the right thing if you cannot take care of her in your home anymore. It's not selfish to want your mom to be in a safe environment.
You went for a walk. She almost burned your house down. You can't provide the 24 hour supervision she needs to stay safe. Putting her in AL is the best decision.
She will probably like the place once she's acclimated to it. AL is not like a nursing home. Many of them take their residents a few times a week on outings and they have in-house activities going on too. It will be good for her.
If you run yourself into the ground, what will happen to your mom then? If other people so critical with their almighty opinions don’t man up and do something themselves, you have no choice but to do what’s best for you AND your mom. Your mom cannot realize that this IS the best thing for her. She’s going to be looked after and you are going to get your life back.
I get the guilt - trust me, I do. But there is a certain freedom you gain when you realize that you’re making the best choice under difficult circumstances. Nothing is ever perfect. You are trying to keep your mother safe. These are good, valid concerns. Forgive yourself.
This is absolutely the right decision, and their failure to help with care means (to. me) that they lost their right to vote.
You are taking care of your mom, and yourself. You need to have your own life, which includes mom but is not erased by mom's needs.
Try very hard to emotionally detach yourself from all of it and them for a while. Accept within yourself that you have made a correct decision and stop defending it. Don’t argue with anyone. Whatever they say - like the neighbor - don’t respond at all, just turn away silently. Go to your room. Fix yourself a beverage and sip on it while they talk and you play a movie or song in your head that you like. Let them natter on without engaging you. Don’t listen. As you know, and I do too, stress can and will make a chromic illness worse. Try to let the stress be theirs and not yours.
Only one thing… push the timeline. Don’t let anyone stall or delay the move. Proceed as if it is a done deal not subject to debate any longer.
You may want to have a sit down with the friend. She needs to realize what you are doing is for the safety of your Mom. That with her Dementia she now needs more care than you can give with your chronic health problems. The burning of the corn could have been so much worse. You as a person can't be expected to be kept in a house 24/7 because you need to watch Mom every minute. Show her pictures of the place. You may want to tell her that its been recommended no visitation for a few days so Mom can adjust. And you will be glad to take her to visit after those few days. But this "is" permanent and you would appreciate her not playing into any negativity Mom may have. Make her visits a positive thing for Mom. I wouldn't say this to her now, but if the friend does cause Drama with Mom. You can ask that she not visit and have her banned from the AL. But this is something I wouldn't discuss with the friend unless it happens.
I would not tell the friend when the move will be made. I may not tell Mom till the day of maybe right before. My Mom was in her last stages of Dementia so we told her when we got there. "Mom, you are moving to your new apartment. You will make new friends"
This will not be easy. I had to harden myself so I didn't get upset. But its for the best. And ALs are really nice.
When someone leaves a pan on the stove and forgets it, that is more than a decline.
No you are not abandoning her. I've been down this road myself, doing it alone while family members opted not to assist once a LTC was selected that met Mom and Dad's requirements but not the desires of my older siblings. One bro didn't visit him at the LTC once we'd buried Mom (21 months) and the other didn't bother for 16 months.
You have been tasked with the job of getting your mom to safety (which is what I did) and I'm sure your mom would not want your health to suffer any further. Take care of yourself and know that there are miles to go before you sleep so by having professionals care for her you will be better equipped to support this part of her life as situations arise. Best wishes.
and not safe…. Not to mention the decline in both of your health.
find the best care home you can afford …she will be well cared for and you’ll be a loving daughter bringing her goodies … she’ll have activities and lots company .
there’s always the guilt especially if they ask go home but nobody can do this job well in their home and you have to make decisions for both of you .. good luck and keep intouch
this is best place for help not those
‘drive by’ relatives and friends.
A burnt pan house full of smoke 3x,? Very fortunate so far that nothing worse has happened. As far as the friend is concerned, I would ask her how many days of the week can she take to help take care of your mother for you? Unless she is willing to get into the trenches with you in regards to your mother she needs to stop making it worse by her actions. I am sure she truly loves your mother, but what is best for your mother is what is important. And you with your health issues, if you are shut down your mother will end up in a facility anyway but without you being able to be there for her. My father HAS cognitive decline, and I still feel guilty. But I know its the best place for him to be. I visit him regularly take him shopping, take him to visit family. I still take him to his dr's appointments. And when he has his days of clarity is when it is really hard. But I remind myself of why he needs to be there. It will be a time of adjustment but you have to take care of yourself. Sorry so long, but this subject has been the hardest to deal with.
Her best friend has no say in this situation. My own mother had “friends” that wanted to interfere in my decision making. Yet they took no responsibility at all for her care, and they watched while she went downhill and lived in squalor and did nothing about it.
Guilt is a useless emotion. The assisted living move is the first of MANY hard decisions YOU will need to make on behalf of your mother in the future. You need to be healthy and in a better head space to continue this journey. Letting well meaning friends and hands-off family members make you doubt yourself is not helping you at all. You have done a great job for the last 16 months. You tried and are smart and strong enough to recognize it’s not working. You thought this through. Trust yourself.
I used to counsel caregivers for the Area Agency on Aging and prepared a workshop I was giving. In my research I found a study that showed, all other things being equal, caregivers have a 63% higher mortality rate than others of similar age. That was shocking and sobering for myself and the attendees. Do take care of yourself. No one else is.
Assisted living is not the same as a nursing home. People picture the worst of nursing home situations and make assumptions. Clearly you want the best for your mom. You can visit her every day. People are often surprised by how nice these places are.
In perspective, not only is your health and safety at risk (what if you were napping instead of walking, and the house caught fire???), but this is a safety issue for both you and your Mom. As caregivers, we have to put safety first. I think on the grounds of safety, your Mom requires supervision 24/7 to be in an environment where she cannot be a hazzard to herself or others. Your house is not that, and you can't make it that way unless you hire an aide to be there all the time. Ask your siblings if they will cough up the dough for that?
Aside from that, this friend that came over, why doesn't she offer to sit with your Mom on a regular basis so you get a break and have a life? If she's so concerned about your Mom and stirring up your Mom about the move, put that question to her. She'll either back off or commit to putting her money where her mouth is.
Sorry for my agressive post. This pushed a button in me. I'm so over how non caregivers judge a caregiver when they, sympathetic or not, really have NO CLUE of our caregiver reality. I support your decision. Hard as it is, sounds like it's time for Mom to live in a safer home. Since she's mobile and semi-capable. there's no way you - or any of us - could provide that in our private home.
If it were me, I would have a heart to heart with your moms best friend. This is a courtesy conversation, because she isn't the one caring for your mom...it's not her call. Explain to her that the stress of caregiving is causing you health issues and this is the best decision for all involved. Explain to her that her emotional outburst about the decision is not helping you or your mom. Tell her you would appreciate it if she could be more positive around your mom. After all...you're not sentencing your mom to death. You are moving her to a nice assisted living apartment where three shifts of young, fresh, professionally trained caregivers can give her what she needs. Her friend can visit her every day is she chooses, but not if she is going to be negative and crying and getting your mom all worked up about it.
It aged me horribly taking care of mom. When I moved her to assisted living, I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my chest. You are doing the right thing.