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I understand a son's love for his mother. It is important but, and this is a big but, what about his love for you? I have no relationship with either of my in-laws. I knew almost from the beginning that there was something wrong with both of them. M I L is neurotic, controlling, self pitying, a pig. She comes off as very nice initially but spend any time with her and it's very apparent who she is. F I L is a pompous ass who loves to lord it over everyone. I made it clear that I would never live with them, even temporarily.

I think you need to give your BF an ultimatum. It's either you or her. I know you love him but you need to decide what you can tolerate. Even if she dies the fact that your BF has put you through this and is trying to guilt trip you about it raises all kinds of red flags for what the future might hold.
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BurntCaregiver May 2021
Gershun,

Right you are about the ultimatum. He will pick his mother. Farmerlee74 lists her age as 47 years old and that she's been with the boyfriend for 17 years.
If you're still the 'girlfriend' after that many years it's because the boyfriend won't really commit to it or vice versa.
When people are older and are collecting a late spouse's pension or social security, they have financial reasons for not marrying. When you're 30 years old and start up with someone you don't. She needs to drop this mama's boy like a bad habit and find a better man while she's still young enough to.
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I hope you weren't referring to my comment.

Please read this: https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/books/when-hes-married-to-mom/

You say that he had no choice in caring for his parents. He DID have options that he CHOSE not to exercise.
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Dear Farmerlee, I don’t think anyone is trying to ridicule you, and I hope that my own comment didn’t upset you. Your question was ‘Am I a jerk?’, and your description of the situation was simply awful. The obvious response was ‘No you’re not a jerk’ and ‘Get out of this situation’. What sort of response would be more helpful, or did you want?
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Not a jerk but maybe a bit delusional in regards to the boyfriend. Think about this man you are in love wirh who lives in filth with his mother and who is seemingly unbothered by his mothers lack of hygiene and filth. Think about what kind of future is possible with a man like this and how even after his mother's passes how this may continue to affect you in the future as he gets older. Will he become like his mother? I think if you step back from this man you will see many warnings and red flags about your relationship and about him. Just something to consider.
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Farmerlee74 May 2021
He isn't filthy, nor has he ever been. He takes as many showers as I do and is always well groomed! He might be pissing me off about the mom, but dirty he is not!
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You're not a jerk. Your home is not a hotel nor is it respite care unless you choose for it to be so. You are not a maid, a cook, an aide, a cleaning service. You should be able to live in a healthy home environment in the manner that you choose. (What is she doing in your bed, and how does he think that it's acceptable to ask this of you? I hope you have a good mattress cover on it.)
He should be asking if it's okay to bring his mom, and if you allow her to come, it is his responsibility to police his mom's hygiene and meet her needs, and treat you and your home kindly. Otherwise he should not impose. Surely he could set up caregivers for a weekend here or there so he could see you, rather than schlepping his mom along for visits of indeterminate length. Additionally, knowing your objections, he should NOT be arbitrarily deciding how long they will stay. It sounds like you have had some unproductive conversations with him and he is aware of your feelings and chooses to ignore them. Think about that.
I'm sure he's overwhelmed, but he seems selfish and insensitive. If you can't get the nerve to ask them to go, then the next time he tries to manipulate you with "I guess we will leave then, because I know you're grossed out on my mom!", take him up on it. It should be your cue to agree that ''Yes, I think it's time, it's a lot for me to handle. Let's talk later after you two get home''. Then if you want to continue with this man, set some boundaries.
Look, maybe this guy is amazing and you think he's the one. But...his mom's his priority right now and he's treating you like respite care, and he's not even doing it respectfully. Who's to say that once mom goes toes up that he won't want to kick up a little dust on his own and disassociate from everything from that time?
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This sounds hellish
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You are 47. You must be sticking with this BF because you do care about him, you don’t want to be alone, and you don’t think you can do better. I found my second husband when I was 53, and we have now been happily married for 20 years. My motto while I was ‘looking’ was “Don’t look, Won’t find’.

You have a life sentence of BF and his mother, and even ‘lifers’ don’t have to live with this smell. Look a bit wider during your 3 weeks a month of 'alone', for your sanity’s sake!
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Your BF left you 6 years ago to wait on his mother hand & foot and you're STILL wasting your time & energy on this man??????????? I'd kick the both of them OUT of your apartment so fast their heads would spin off! How on earth do you 'love him with all of your heart' after being treated so poorly for so long? How dare he even bring such a filthy person into your home or expect you to deal with such a situation! That is total disrespect and you are allowing it.

Get rid of these people at once & move on with your life. You deserve a whole lot more than the crumbs you're being offered! Please realize that!
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CaregiverL May 2021
Absolutely correct & right on! Lealonnie1!
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Your BF is married to his mom. She groomed him to obey her every command.

Please tell him to leave.
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LoopyLoo May 2021
It’s YOUR apartment. You have a right to to tell BF that Mama is no longer allowed to stay.
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You are not a jerk. He is inconsiderate for expecting you to put up with this situation. Forgive me for being so direct.

I do have compassion. I feel for all of you. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home. I felt badly for her, for us too and if I had to do it over, I would not do it. It’s too hard. It’s more than we can physically and emotionally handle.

You have seen how hard this is. Look at it as a lesson learned.

If your boyfriend wishes to care for his mom, so be it. It’s his decision to do so. That doesn’t mean that you have to join in and have his mom be a part of your life.

Who knows what the future holds with this man? You say that you love him. He may love you as well but he has made it perfectly clear that he is a caregiver for his mom. You don’t want her in your apartment, for legitimate reasons, so it may be time to end the relationship.

If his mom dies or does enter a facility, then maybe you can resume your relationship. If you find someone else, that is fine also. Or you may choose to remain single. My point is that you know that you are not happy having his mom live with you, so this current situation isn’t working out well for you.

Did he just show up with her without telling you? Did you agree for her to visit?
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Farmerlee74 May 2021
No, he didn't just show up. He told me ahead of time, but didn't really give me a choice, because he said he was burned out and in dire need of getting out of that horrible town & house. His parents house is very old & uncomfortable and there is a street within 10 ft of his room where he tries sleeping. When he comes to visit, he gets a much-needed break and gets to spend time with me and sleep in a nice, clean/quiet environment. He told me he had absolutely no choice, but to bring her, because he had nobody to stay with her. I have an almost 20 year history with this man. I know a lot of people won't understand my reasoning behind staying with him, or loving someone who moved out to take care of his parents, but it is simple: I love him. When he left years ago, his dad was also alive and suffering with severe dementia. He also lost his younger brother and a brother-in-law within these last few years. It's been very difficult for us to maintain our relationship and I even had an affair with someone, which was a total mistake. All & all, I think for next time, I'm just going to need to "grow a pair" and tell him his mom cannot come any more. Thank you for being more compassionate than that OP who ridiculed me, by the way!
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