Help At Home girl needs to clean more but my father won't let her. I made the call to her boss to discuss this and the worker convinced my dad to let her clean some, but there needs to be more intense cleaning not just surface cleaning. This girl that helps him has been a long time friend of his and he just wants to go run around town in her car and blow his Social Security check. Supposedly this girl, her boss and I got on the same page about what needs to be done for my father. My father is our neighbor and when he's gone with her I sneak into his little cabin to investigate and I am not pleased with what I'm seeing. He has been living back at home since early June after leaving AL... YES, he should have stayed there but it was out of my control since he's still "competent". I have silently refused to step in and help with cleaning, grocery shopping etc. since this girl is hired to help him, she can do it. I do dispense his meds which he is choosing to skip all of the time. I only interact with my dad when my husband is with me. After years of dysfunction with him and then later in life trying to build a relationship with someone who is somewhat narcissistic perhaps and a great manipulator, he uses his own emotions to try to throw me in a guilt trip which used to lead me into a path of sympathy and compassion. These last two months I've realized I have been his enabler as far as getting him anything and everything that he wants for the past year. I've come a great way of letting go of wanting to try to change him to "my" idea of how he should take care of himself and how he has chosen to live.
Now with him back home on our family property, living in a little cabin my husband built for him after we had to destroy his bedbug infested dilapidated trailer, I have stepped back and let his life continue the way it was before he had the stroke last July. At that time he was partially surviving with the bedbugs for six months at least along with mouse turds and P on everything. We paid for extermination but it was not a success because the trailer was in such bad condition it just escalated to a terrible demise, the stroke got him out of there into the hospital and destruction began. I got POA... into assisted living he went... got kinda better... holding of the cabin was in slow motion to try to keep him in assisted-living... 9 months later cabin got finished and home again home again jiggedy-jiggedy he went. Sooo, after all that, my question is here, how do I get this girl to clean his damn cabin to the perfection that I believe it should be in or do I let it turn into another stench???? The cabin is considered his even though we paid for everything entirely ourselves out of guilt of destroying his trailer and most of the contents. Do I just sit back and watch this all happen again just like I did with the bedbugs were around? I mean years before that I kept my distance from him and let him do his own thing because that's what he wanted and it turned into a big bad mess. Sometimes I can think clearly what I need to do about this and I just don't know I'm so messed up. I can't talk to my dad about this and his uncleanliness. It's getting so unsanitary in the cabin someone please tell me what to do.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
Knowledge is power. Power to turn him over to APS, and to turn in the girl to APS for financially using a vunerable elder. Or you can walk away.
If your family is paying for land he's hidden from Medicaid, I hope your hubby understands that an atty needs to be consulted before you pay another dime to him to go into presents for the helper girl.
As far as APS, does this fall into my hands or will the sociol worker take that over? She was disgusted with all the stories she was made aware of and said she would contact my dad's case worker and the boss at Help at Home services where this woman is employed. Also will help with the Medicaid denial junk. When my dad had bedbugs last year, this woman helper discovered the bedbugs. Immediately she had to stop "working" for dad until the bedbugs were gone since it was a risk that she could transport bedbugs her self to other people. After weeks of spraying they were slowly dying but kept rehatching. Dad told his Help At Home service that they were gone so they let this helper return. I called the boss at Help At Home and said "no they are not gone" and she said, "well we have to go with what your dad tells us"... at the time I did not have POA. For six months we paid for all the treatment to get rid of these nasty things, dad had a stroke, entered hospital. Daughter and I found bedbugs on him in the hospital, even had a nest in his hat. We had to dress and protective clothing for three days while re-entering and leaving his room He was also quarented while there. Discharged..back to our home for three days ( I was on the lookout for bedbugs and was paranoid the whole time it was awful ) for some unknown reason we were able to get him in an AL on respite. Of course we had hopes of him staying there and was taking one day at a time...my husband was slowly rebuilding him a little cabin (after we had to destroy his dilapidated bedbug, mice, ant infested and snake skins in various places of a trailer. I also put on protective has met outfit and try to salvage some things and was disgusted by how dirty his kitchen was, rotten food in the refrigerator on the countertops sticky kitchen floor you name it And this woman was there three days a week...the bugs were loving it. Husband tried to salvage what he could in a hazmet outfit...brought a bedbug home to us. What a freaking nightmare...so costly...had to burn new furniture in a room we just remodeled (I have been waiting 29 years to redo this room and I finally just finished it about a month before the bedbugs hit our home...i've always shopped around and ended up buying used furniture for years and this time I splurged and bought new but had to burn it all).
* I will never buy used furniture again for fear of bedbugs !!!!!!!
My dad never once worried about the cost of all of this. There's times I could write hear about how much money we have spent on my father and my husband was always willing to do it with no complaints.
No money has been spent yet on the land, it recently got appraised and yes the attorney knows everything that's going on and all of my worries. I do doubt how all this will work right now I'm willing to let the land to go and sit back and watch my dad to lose it to Medicaid He should've turn the land over in our names years ago we've tried many times My husband has maintained the property for 30 years, catered to my dad and help him with whatever he needed. For my dad to tell my husband yesterday that this helper has helped him so much that she deserves his truck and his lie life friend ( I want to drug him to court several months ago trying to collect money from this guys ex-girlfriend who didn't pay up on some bulldozing work) deserves his tools made me want to vomit!
Ooohhh he said it so greatly surprise!!! We have paid many dimes for these lowlife friends of his and his stupid actions !!
When my husband was talking to him last night, he just returned from supposedly getting groceries with this girl and all he had in his hands when he got out of her car was a box of cold shrimp Day before has been asked him is there anything we can get you from the grocery store and he said no my helpers coming tomorrow we're going shopping
He's a Manipulating Narcsissist for sure!
Easy from the outside for lotsa people to give good simple good advice to me that makes obvious sense, I appreciate that. It's the hidden, not talked about, ignorant choices dad has made and still making others haven't seen or heard about unless experienced it one on one.
My husband thinks I need to tell my dad everything that I'm yelling about to him, so I can let it go. In some dysfunctional way I say I can't do that even when I know I probably should. When I have in the past it hasn't faced him any and he continues his ugly ways He is like an injection of poison to my blood...body hurts.
Thank you, I will be calling that social worker today and move forward but behind the scenes. Right now I can't be in my dad's presence. Like dorkers MIL, he says he can do it, he can take care of himself !
Not your problem.
You--find a new hobby.
Seriously--find something you enjoy doing, something that brings you pleasure, and concentrate on that A LOT. Give yourself and your home and family all your lovin'. They need and deserve it.
Just reread it and it gives me power to stay confident!!!
I'm going to make a copy of it and make a beautiful poster. I've been given a lot of good comments here, I think I'll do a collage of your awesome guidance, wisdom and kick in the butt therapy advice I've received. You all are great! 😍