Help At Home girl needs to clean more but my father won't let her. I made the call to her boss to discuss this and the worker convinced my dad to let her clean some, but there needs to be more intense cleaning not just surface cleaning. This girl that helps him has been a long time friend of his and he just wants to go run around town in her car and blow his Social Security check. Supposedly this girl, her boss and I got on the same page about what needs to be done for my father. My father is our neighbor and when he's gone with her I sneak into his little cabin to investigate and I am not pleased with what I'm seeing. He has been living back at home since early June after leaving AL... YES, he should have stayed there but it was out of my control since he's still "competent". I have silently refused to step in and help with cleaning, grocery shopping etc. since this girl is hired to help him, she can do it. I do dispense his meds which he is choosing to skip all of the time. I only interact with my dad when my husband is with me. After years of dysfunction with him and then later in life trying to build a relationship with someone who is somewhat narcissistic perhaps and a great manipulator, he uses his own emotions to try to throw me in a guilt trip which used to lead me into a path of sympathy and compassion. These last two months I've realized I have been his enabler as far as getting him anything and everything that he wants for the past year. I've come a great way of letting go of wanting to try to change him to "my" idea of how he should take care of himself and how he has chosen to live.
Now with him back home on our family property, living in a little cabin my husband built for him after we had to destroy his bedbug infested dilapidated trailer, I have stepped back and let his life continue the way it was before he had the stroke last July. At that time he was partially surviving with the bedbugs for six months at least along with mouse turds and P on everything. We paid for extermination but it was not a success because the trailer was in such bad condition it just escalated to a terrible demise, the stroke got him out of there into the hospital and destruction began. I got POA... into assisted living he went... got kinda better... holding of the cabin was in slow motion to try to keep him in assisted-living... 9 months later cabin got finished and home again home again jiggedy-jiggedy he went. Sooo, after all that, my question is here, how do I get this girl to clean his damn cabin to the perfection that I believe it should be in or do I let it turn into another stench???? The cabin is considered his even though we paid for everything entirely ourselves out of guilt of destroying his trailer and most of the contents. Do I just sit back and watch this all happen again just like I did with the bedbugs were around? I mean years before that I kept my distance from him and let him do his own thing because that's what he wanted and it turned into a big bad mess. Sometimes I can think clearly what I need to do about this and I just don't know I'm so messed up. I can't talk to my dad about this and his uncleanliness. It's getting so unsanitary in the cabin someone please tell me what to do.
Doubt he would ever be OK with anyone helping him but her. In the past when he first got the service, he didn't know the girl from Help At Home and he just would not show up when she was to come that day to help him. The girl that helps him now is his "fun let's go do something friend" and spend some money. He does not see this Help At Home service as a special privilege that he is receiving, it costs him nothing.
Last night I was anxious to share with husband all the wonderful educating information you all gave me yesterday. As I was reading some posts out loud to him, my husband picks up his phone to call our son to talk about work that day.
I slammed my phone down, went outside, cried, smoked, walked the ground hard enough to get shin splints, smoked some more trying to cool off before I finished this so called conversation I was so eager to have with him. He gets out of shower, acts like nothing happened, but by the look on my face he could tell the story wasn't over yet. I told him I thought it was rude that he made a phone call when I was reading him something. Ugggh it p!sses me off again thinking about it this morning...just like when I see people reading their phones when they're out to eat as a couple, ugh. Husband says "I don't need to listen all that stuff I'll worry about it when it happens", reminding me how he hates all kinds of social media and chat rooms. He said instead of blowing up at him I need to go down and blowup at my dad, the source of the problem. That's true, yes but we have major dysfunction my dad and I but hey maybe that's something I will do today and then again tonight at my husband, just for kicks. He thinks that people on the Internet searching for answers have nothing else to do. Our daughter, son and I tried to convince my husband that he needed to keep his butt at AL and to not build this d*mn cabin. Husband agreed but always replied back with the story about how he had to tear his dilapidated bedbug infested trailer down and burn it and promised him he would build something new for him. He was determined to keep his promise.
Still mad from our little fight last night and hurt our marriage is turning into something unknown for both of us. We argue sometimes but it is never like it was last night. He made me feel stupid and ignorant for trying to find out what is in store for the future for my dad and us. today I seriously could just run away from both of them and go live in a little hut on the beach.
This sucks
Your husband should apologise simply for his rudeness. If he really can't bear to listen to other people's opinions that's absolutely fine, he's entitled to his feelings even if they are self-defeating and counterproductive; but in that case he can still have the ordinary courtesy to wait 'til you've finished speaking and then make his call.
10,000 👍's
He did apologize, but it's still not enough for me.
I have read him a lot of things here that you all have educated me on for the past six months and I guess he just can't take me starting to get smarter than him! Ha
I told him last night he will not hear anything from me about this Medicaid crap, dad, his helper etc again. I simply don't care anymore what happens to any of it!! I'm just waiting for the day where I can say "told ya so". Or I have a better idea! When he gets pissed off and goes on a rant, I think I will make a phone call myself...hmmm.
Sorry you all, I'm hating on men today 😡
"The primary function of our Homemakers, Home Care Aides and Companions is to provide personal care and assistance with the activities of daily living (ADL), such as:
Personal Care-bathing assistance, assistance with dressing, and assistance with grooming
Light housekeeping
Laundry
Meal Preparation, including shopping and assistance with meal planning
Errands or Transportation
Companionship - available 24 hours a day, if needed"
You say she doesn't clean "enough", I spent years cleaning houses and in my opinion what you expect of her goes well beyond "light housekeeping". If my mother had a bowel accident while the caregiver was with her of course she cleaned it up, I would have never expected her to come in and clean up messes that had been left to await her arrival.
Her duties should include: wiping down kitchen counters, sweeping and mopping floor, vacuum, wiping down bathroom, light dusting, keeping your dad's areas tidy and dust-free (around where he sleeps and around his chair), emptying the trash, and laundry. These are reasonable expectations. And she can split these tasks up to do on different days so she doesn't spend an entire shift cleaning. Home health agencies offer "light housekeeping". The tasks I described are light housekeeping. Is your father's aide doing these things?
I don't expect perfection in my own home! she is there six hours a week split up into three days, at the end of the week usually on the weekend I will go in the cabin and look around and see things that weren't even lightly cleaned that was there the week before. The side table beside the chair he sits in, the table beside his bed has crumbs all over...fruit peels, dried on the sticky stuff, food smeared all over... the ants are accumulating. Crumbs on the floor all around his bed and under it all around the chair...on the rugs. I know as well as anybody that crumbs can accumulate every day but this is more than an every day accumulation it's many days. I'm OK with crumbs, I have crumbs on my floor every day, the stuff is piling up and hes going to be in a mess again with bugs and it's going to be my responsibility and dollars out of our pocket again just like last year but I will refuse to take that route again... my fault! Yes I could very easily take care of those messes myself when I'm there and I have before, he lived like a pig before ALand at the AL. I told my husband I would not be his maid when he comes home. I DO NOT view his helper to be his "maid"!!!!
He's in the process right now helping this woman get a new "used" door on her house, one he has in storage in his barn. So let it be, let them just have this companionship whatever do the shopping thing whatever, and she can benefit from little goodies on the side. This man has nothing no savings, puts about 200 once a month in his checking from his $600 Social Security check and spends the rest on who knows what. He can hardly walk, legally blind from diabetes, he has no business running a saw! I saw electrical cords laying in the water the other day after a big rain in his shed where he has been sawing on some boards for who knows what! It's endless what I could tell here!!
I complain to my husband about this, and he's sick of me complaining and blowing my mouth and I'm sick of me too!!!
Don't judge me until you have walked in my shoes
I definitely worded that wrong because I had all the details going around in my head and didn't state it properly.
perfection is not a word in my vocabulary
This conversation has totally got off the subject
Thank you for saying that cwillie. After repeating that statement over and over in my head all night I've kinda relaxed with the mess thing. Obviously someone else needs hired in addition to his helper. I applaud all the helpers out there, if not for them, wow, I can't even imagine.!! Not sure who would want to clean feces or how this will get paid for. I'm sure dad would say it's not necessary and would not pay for it...especially since he has a helper.
Shall I just wash my hands of this worry, the messes?? I think so. And now Medicaid is going to kick him out Sept 1st. Hmm, who cares!
I've been cleaning up his "messes" financially and physically for years. Why? Used to think it was out of love but I can't answer that question today.
The last 2 days this poisonous relationship brought on my fibromyalgia..my fault yes. Makes my personality change awfully,
I'm sorry that I came off as rude.
I'm grateful for your responses.
So tired...no teeth left from gnawing.
Trying hard to regroup and focus today.
As for finding someone who is willing to clean up after him, I'm sure there are women out there who are working independently and desperate enough for money that they will clean dang near anything (I know I was once), especially if you provide them with all the goodies that make the job easier like disposable gloves and heavy duty cleaning solutions and wipes. Maybe try posting an add?
I really sympathize having to deal with a man like your father who is his own worst enemy, I briefly had to deal with a hoarder alcoholic uncle whose care fell into my lap when he became ill. SMH.
It took me years of fussing around with my disabled brother, always afraid of the topic of hygiene, laundry. And it had to get bad before i spoke up, and sorted his drawers myself - not throwing anything out, at first, just organizing what was usable - and setting other stuff into a box, that he could sort and use later. Turned out, after 3 hours, and he saw his new organized drawer, he said, "could you do the next drawers also?"
When people have disabilities they don't notice dirt well, and as a home health care aide, I learned that just tackling the task, while explaining how good this will be, is a better way to move through it. Sitting around mulling and whispering and talking in the background just prolong dissonance - Talk of how great it will be to have the cabin cleaned once a month, and emphasize his freedom otherwise. Make an effort to respect and keep his customary things in the same place, so he finds those, but have the cleaners do different sections of deeper cleaning at one time. Generally men don't fuss around so much, and feel better when someone knows what to do and does it - and a cleaning agency is likely to do that part better than aides.
I would secretly hire an entire cleaning crew who can also make over your dad's cabin, especially if he happens to also be a hoarder
Arrange for them to come in at a specific time but what I would do ahead of time is take dad on a vacation. Now all the work can begin while he's gone.
Instruct the cleaning crew that if anything needs to go, out the door it goes and in the dumpster. In fact, there's an actual TV show that takes certain types of hoarding cases and transforms the home from a pigpen into something lovely. There's another one that specializes in home makeovers like remodeling.
Make sure the vacation is long enough to actually get everything done. Make sure they call you when they're done so they can be there to show you the work they did but only let them call you back after everything's done.
* Make sure though that nothing valuable or should I say expensive is thrown out that may be worth something. What you can do is make sure those particular items are secured offsite well in advance
He's leaving you a mess. Stop worrying about him until he looks you up and humbles himself to ask for your help--then just send him to your husband, who wants to be helpful, God bless him.
In the meantime, you are worried about real estate that you believe you have bought. That IS your problem. Take whatever contract paperwork you had for the real estate to the attorney who prepared it, tell him about the Medicaid fraud, and see what he says. Maybe the contract was done correctly. You need to be reassured. If he can't explain it to you so you can understand exactly what's going on, take the contract paperwork to another attorney who specializes in Medicaid to make sure your ownership is clear. They will probably give you a free consultation.
You don't owe this loser a thing. He probably still owes you back child support. Just leave him alone.
Now, go tell your husband how much you appreciate him loving and taking care of his family, unlike your father did, and putting up with you worrying about all this. Tell him you're sorry you got him into this mess and got mad at him over it--you are sorry, right? I know you feel like he dissed you when you were upset and looking for his help; but he's probably at his wit's end, too, and couldn't figure out what else to do, either. Don't let your dad take you away from a man who loves you and WANTS to be good to you.
Your husband is the man you need to love and bless now. He deserves it. Your dad may be more needy, but he doesn't deserve to be blessed by you; and you don't deserve the anguish of trying to give him help he doesn't even want.
If you can't drop your concern about him living in filth, report him to your county Health Department or to Adult Protective Services, and let them handle it.
If I sound harsh, please forgive me; but take my words to heart. You're worth more than you think; your own family that you chose to have deserves your love and attention.
I pray that God will bless you with peace for yourself and love and happiness in your household.
Thank you Agingmyself. You have rescued my heart this a.m.
I've desperately needed someone to understand me and to see the good intentions I've had in my heart over the years for this man, "dad". God has definitely blessed me with a wonderful husband! I know he's exhausted too from everything.
I can hear the birds sing again... life is good! You're an 😇
Thank too Reno55 and mlface too!
Group Hug!!!
It's like my mind cleared out this morning after my big ugly cry. AC to the rescue again!!
I will welcome my husband home tonight with a big bear hug and a sincere apology. I know he will receive my apology with grace. His heart is bigger than mine and together we shine!
I've been wondering how you are doing BarbB...comforting hugs again. Learned a lot from you here...you're mom was blessed having you to care and love her!!
If he's not good about taking his meds, a dispenser which the "helper" should check and ensure meds are taken should be set up. Once that is in place, picking up his Rx at Walmart would not kill you. Get it and provide it. Obviously you cannot force him to take anything, but with the right help this should be overcome.
You did say somewhere along the line that he puts away $200/m and spends the rest. Well, it is his money, he can spend it, but I would consider his putting away $200 a good thing.
Too much here to go over, but again, the FIRST thing I would do is get rid of his "helper" and if need be get a restraining order (is dad competent or not?). If you own the property, you could prevent her from setting foot on it. Changing his cell # can at least temporarily stop the calls, but if he knows her number he can call her - if he relies on it stored on the phone, delete it. Worst case, call the boss and imply you may press charges if she continues. She is an EMPLOYEE, there should be no buddy in this.
Since you are ready for this to be over, I'd let dad be responsible for his own medicine/cleaning/bills (unless you are POA, and then I would resign). The best you can hope for is that his girlfriend/maid will take him to the er when he has a diabetic emergency and they will admit him.
When you visit the hospital, you can tell the social worker that your family won't be caring for him, he needs placement, and the girlfriend seems to be financially abusing him. (I'm unclear if you are paying for this service since you can call the boss, or if it's his money/benefits/ssi that's paying, but I see this woman as an abuser).
Give Dad his freedom to foul up. Yes, you've warned your hubbie that the property your family bought may not be clear titled. You tried. Now let Dad fail.
Getting his meds for him certainly wouldn't "kill me", I always did, and paid for them, until this month. The drive from our homes to Walmart is 45 min. Dad and "helper" are at Walmart 3 days a week...seems sensible to me they pick them up.
We have not bought property yet, re-appraisal happened yesterday. Husband happened to be in area when appraiser showed up so came home to show him survey stakes (lotsa woods) and to tell dad the guy was here and he needed in the cabin. Husband looked through the window first, (after he and appraiser got a view of dad's hand washed stained underwear air drying on the porch swing and exercise bike) and could see straight into the open bathroom door, And scrubba dub dub oldmandad in the bath tub! Geesh. Those underwear were there for 3 days. I can see them from the road. 2 weeks ago I told helpers boss I would no longer be doing his laundry ) I was dragging it to my house in my car...too much poo, etc...) boss told me helper can do it at laundry mat, not a problem and would relay message to helper. I will call boss today to get an update. I refuse to communicate with the help of friends mainly because I don't trust her to not tell my dad when I'm asking her about.
Help at Home helper gets paid by Medicaid which he loses Sept. 1st. He's been denied...failed to reveal when signing up in 2009 that he had property other than his home giving dad the freedom to fail, yes...and sad. We have given him so many opportunities to thrive with his health, financials, and showing him real love.
Yes, we tried, very much.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
Thank you friends for caring.
Has a bad UTI, put on levoquin and I've since been told it's hard on kidneys...will not drink water.
DH and I asked to talk with a sociol worker. Long story short, we told her everything we've been dealing with regarding dad...mainly that I need someone way bigger than DH and I to step in and take charge. I can't enable anymore!! She agreed. And agrees help at home woman has stepped over boundaries...she will call her boss and has set up home health nurse for dad several days a week and possibly some OT.
Dad lost 10lbs in almost 2 months, food doesn't sound good, no BM for a week but after overdosing on Dulcolax and some kind of clear liquid drink he's gone. I'm thinking he called 91 simply because he hadn't pooped for a week and his P was burning but he claimed he couldn't wake up. I don't know and probably never will.
Our little town is having their annual Labor Day celebration all weekend, also wondering if this was an attention getter? I don't know. Checked on him yesterday to make sure he took his anabiotic...had poop on his hands and walking around in his soiled underwear. To my horror, I had to ask my dad to wash his hands and to tell him why. I could never sit anywhere in his cabin for fear of Poo. I washed his dishes, cleaned off his kitchen table and killed all the ants accumulated, bleached door knobs where I go in and out, basically anything that he has touched but I did leave the poop on the kitchen chair so the nurse could see it . Ugh.
Today was the first day the visiting home health nurse was supposed to come and I don't know if she did or not. Thats the only reason why I cleaned up a little before she came. A nurse did come Saturday for a visit and was able to see how he's been living and what the environment looks like. she was shocked to see used needles everywhere, poop on things, asked him 1 million questions and he hated it. Especially hated it when she asked to watch him check his blood sugar... the lady was amazed how much he struggled
Feel like I'm abandoning him
Even step back from meds and let home nurse do it ?
😢
Want freedom from the guilt
He can call 911 ( glad he did) and got meds. Does he ask you to dispense them? If that's what he wants, and you're willing to do this on a daily basis, then go for it.
When my mom could no longer manage to take her own meds ( with me setting them up each week) we all knew it was time for a higher level of care.
My husband just had a visit with my father !
I'm getting off of this d*mn roller coaster ride today !!!!!!!
My father told my husband he wants to leave his truck to this Help At Home helper woman and give all his bulldozing tools to a friend of his !!
This isn't about greed people!
I have a son and a daughter who loved their grandpa in spite of all the dysfunction between him and I. My husband made it possible so he could come back home to this stupid cabin, we have enabled him many years and it stops today !!
I will no longer dispense meds, and I am cutting off all contact with him
He told my husband he did not hear from the nurse today he did have a missed call, I do not give a sh*t
I'm done totally done
He told my husband and his helper has been so good to him and she deserves something
It's not about inheriting junk from my dad material things do not matter to me it's the principle behind it
One minute I was so sad and heartbroken and crying it has ruined my whole weekend and within 10 minutes my husband returns home and tells me all this He's trying to call me down and relax but I feel like I am not on earth right now
He told my husband yesterday that his helper will be taking him to get groceries today, when they returned he only was carrying a little box of shrimp my husband told him that the helper has not been doing what she was hired to do and my dad defended her
I will not be contacting the home health nurse he is totally on his d*mn stupid OWN!!!