Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
AlmondJoy72468, I remember a few years ago when I broke my upper arm, talk about terrible pain. All I could do was just sit around as everything was an ouch, ouch, ouch moment, so I can understand what your Mom was going through. Even sleeping was terrible as I had to prop up pillows and had to lay in one position all night. The pain pills didn't help much.

I couldn't comb my hair.... my eating was like that of a 2 year old..... my handwriting with my other hand was like that of a 4 year old. I couldn't drive for months because I couldn't shift gears or even turn the key to start the engine. It was a mess. Taking a shower was extremely painful. And pain is exhausting, I have no energy.

Then I had physical therapy as the muscles in the arm all tighten up to a point where I could not straighten my arm out. That wasn't a walk in the park, either going 3 x a week and enduring muscle aches.

So please give your Mom a better understanding of what she was going through with that broken arm.

Now, this is one thing grown children need to understand.... when Mom comes to stay with you or you with her, the adult/child dynamics change. Once again you are the child, and Mom is the adult in the household. It's just the way it is.

As for helping your Mom at her house, write out a list of everything, and I mean everything you and your husband do for her. Now, take that list can cross off half the items, then cross off a couple more. Don't show Mom the list. When Mom calls for you to do something that is crossed off that list, just say "sorry, I can't possibly do that". If Mom insists, politely tell her you have a name of a person to hire to help her, such as a lawn mowing service.

If Mom grumbles, tell her you and hubby can't keep up with your own chores at your house, much less another house. I had to start saying "no" to my parents [who were in their 90's] and it wasn't easy. But I had to draw a line as I was in my 70's. But in their eyes, they still saw me as being 35 years old.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

I know how hard it can be, but at some points saying no will be your best option. Then when she gets upset, I would respond, "We help with what we can, Mom, but as I tried to tell you before, especially since we can't always be available when you really need it, like it or not, you'll have to look into some housing options where you can always have the help you need. If an emergency happens and we are all at work, we'd like to know that you are safe. We have alot of our own responsibilities that we have to take care of." If she suggests moving in with you, this is where you'll have to be blunt and say, "Mom, if we couldn't handle being together for those 2 short weeks when you recovered from your fall, there's no way we could handle it long term! You need your privacy and so do we." This way, it may not seem as much like it's all "on her," but I am not naive and I DO realize she may take it that way anyhow. My sister is actually in the process of trying to move my VERY needy, VERY handicapped MEAN mother in with her. I tried repeatedly to warn my sister, and I know whereof I speak because I, too, had my mother in our home--my husband and me--for a scant week and a half and I thought I'd lose my mind! She would say nasty things and harp at me constantly and scream if I was at the store for 30 minutes (which I'd sometimes do because I felt I'd completely wig out otherwise)! And for that period of time I managed to stay pretty cool, which is hard for me give my anxiety/depression disorders--but it was a valuable experience because I learned I can NEVER have her living under my roof! My sister will unfortunately find out the hard way (since she won't listen to me) that this is a BAD idea. Anyway--I sure relate to what you are going through, and if Mom refuses to listen, I would see about finding someone for her to talk to who she might have enough respect--and relate to on some level--who perhaps is in an ALF and is very happy, or an unbiased peer. But lighten up on the help you are giving her; don't make yourself available at a moment's notice, and check on her as often as you can.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
AlmondJoy72468 Jan 2020
Thank you. Good advice. When those requests are made I will remind her of the reason she needs to consider downsizing. It’s definitely inevitable. She cannot maintain her home alone much longer. She could be so happy with less responsibility and still be independent in a small apartment. I just don’t know why she’s not willing to discuss it. When I get old I’m all for having less to take care of.
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter