1992 : Mother was 52 y/o and began hoarding in her apt. I was married and did not live with her but was concerned about the clutter building up. Told to mind my business.
1998 : Clutter is at uncomfortable level. Personality is argumentive, combative, refuses help and once became physically aggressive. I went no contact for one year after being attacked.
2004 : Full scale Hoarding. Refuses help and denies there is a problem. Has diabetes, high blood pressure and atherosclerosis. Accusing people of stealing. Not paying bills properly. Poor eating habits.
2008 : Hoarding has reached a dangerous level. Pathways developing. She did allow me to clear the pathways a little while angrily protesting at the same time. Health condition still poor. Still refusing help.
2009-2016 : Hoarding continues. Surgery to put stent in leg. Proactively caregiving in as much as she will allow (Doctor Visits, Grocery Shopping, Outings, Bill Pays, Tax Prep and Home Cooked Meals). Accused me of stealing. Suspicious of everyone. Dr gave referral for neurologist and she refused, saying she’s not crazy. Stress has now made me sick.
2017 : The very thing I thought could and would happen did. She developed Pneumonia and Sepsis and almost died. I had to get her out of the apt which was almost impossible because of the Hoarded condition. Ambulance took her to hospital and she was saved from death. She stayed in SNF for 30 days and discharged to me. She was admitted to the hospital 2 more times for Sepsis and high Blood Sugar. She is living in my home with my husband and college age children.
2017-2018 : Mother is 78 y/o now. Currently still living in my home and it is a nightmare. Demanding, unappreciative, insulting, rude. Given three meals per day and snacks in between yet tells people we starve her. Ordering from catalogs and the clutter is creeping up. We hide any incoming catalogs now. Demands to go home but can’t because it’s not safe. Eats everything she can to elevate her sugar level so we hide snacks in bedroom. Goes to store and buys junk food then looks surprised and questions why I am giving her insulin. Is incontinent (bladder) for now, no major problem dealing with that right now. I feel it’s time for a long term care facility. My health is deteriorating. My family nucleus is deteriorating. She’s refusing to go into professional care. The hoarded apt still has to be cleaned out and I am too weak to do it now. I rented a storage unit to store some valuable things while going through the cleaning process. I have a POA for health only, she won’t do a POA for finance and I am currently applying for Medicaid through their trust program because her income is a notch over the acceptable amount. Just overwhelmed by all of this. Maybe someone can make suggestions on best way to handle this. Thanks
In many ways you have not taken care of yourself. You need help in repairing the damage that has been down to you. It's time for you to heal.
You still have a journey to get there but with good guidance for mom and therapy for you. You will get there. Best of luck to you.
One other comment; when we realized that my mother was really falling apart, we approached her and she readily agreed to sign POA for both healthcare and finances which we did have drawn up by attorney who questioned her about her wishes at the time. My brother did not agree that she had dementia so we did take her to a memory care center and got neuropsych testing which confirmed diagnosis of dementia. Fortunately we had POA in place before the diagnosis or we would have had to go for official guardianship. Timing is everything.
If she is disregarding her health it won’t won’t be long before she crashes again. As was said, don’t bring her home! Stand your ground with Social Services and refuse to bring her back to your home. Sounds like she has funds. Do you have access to them? Hopefully so. Hire a trash-out company to go to her home and clean it out. Whatever is there is most likely beyond salvaging. If she has neighbors there, they will be forever in your debt if you do this.
Make the change. You know you need to do so. It’s way overdue. And please come back here and let us know how it goes. We care.
Change the one piece of the title that you have full control over: Change having her live in your house. You may not be able to specify where she does live, but you can certainly control whether she lives with you.
It sounds like you are on the right track, applying for Medicaid. She may or may not be able to "refuse" to go into professional care, but she cannot refuse to leave your house, if that is your decision. That is the direction all your hard work should be headed.
It sounds like your mother is mentally ill. I am very sympathetic toward people with mental illnesses. They did not request that affliction. They can't simply "snap out of it." But the current situation is simply enabling her self-harmful behavior. And it is also harming other members of your family. You mean well. You've done your best. Now you need to extricate yourself from this toxic situation.
I wanted to thank you for your post regarding mental illness when it comes to situations like this.
I have Bi Polar 1.
I wrote a response to this question last week. I estranged my mom for my own mental health. She knew I was sick, but never researched how she could help me or acknowledged the problem. I believe because it could have marred her reputation having a mentally ill child. Bi Polar is hereditary.
My narcisstic sister uses my illness as a way to beat me up and down and abuse me anyway she can.
She is now blaming me because the sitters we hired to take care of my mom stole everything of value from her house while in her severely demented state of mind. She said that the sitters knew when she would be there and knew when I WAS NOT. And this fact led them to exploit my mom.
Although there is some truth to the statement it eludes that I am to BLAME. She’s throwing guilt at me daily. I briefly explained my absence and the fact that I had to take care of myself, because I have to continue to live after mom is gone has no bearing on her. It’s an excuse to her with no merit.
You are so RIGHT about the fact that we don’t ASK for the mental illness. I didn’t do anything to myself to get this illness.
I can admit I am sick. Getting a narcissist to admit anything above their “good deeds” and “great intentions” as well as the fact that they are always right and I am flawed gave both my mom and my sister ammunition to abuse me further.
Had I not been born into the family, I would have NEVER had either of them in my life. They would have never been aquatinted with me.
I wish everyone had the same opinion you do. Even Doctors have questioned if I have a true medical problem when I have disclosed the fact that I am Bi Polar. It’s a great burden to carry and the abundance of doubt from anyone that knows I’m sick is devastatingly painful. I pay the price daily.
I am compliant with my medicine, have a Therapist and a Phychiatrist. I am on the right track and MUST REMEMBER that even though it’s hard, THEY are flawed in a way that can’t be repaired.
So I take the hits as they come and let it roll of my back with no obligation or intention to do anything different than what I want to do.
Thank you again Jeanne. Your post was a blessing to me and my mental health!
She needs three shifts of professional, well - rested, trained caregivers.
You need to be able to say "Mom, I can't possibly do that" and mean it. Ultimately, you are looking out for HER best interests.
If she gets admitted to the hospital again, refuse to take her home. They will find placement for her in a long term care facility. I highly doubt that they would discharge her to home as they cannot legally discharge someone to unsafe living conditions, but just in case they would, call APS and tell them she is in immediate jeopardy. They would then have to go to her home within 4 hours. They couldn't make her leave, but they would report the condition of the home to the city who would have the power to condemn it.
But, you have to stick to your guns and NOT allow her back into your home. Remember, at 78, she could possibly live a lot longer. You could end up dying before her due to the stress of trying to care for her. You must put yourself and your family's needs first!
I think you realize by now that you shouldn't have allowed her to be discharged to you back in 2017. You can't meet her needs, as she was admitted to hospital twice more for sepsis and high blood sugar. When did she move in with you?
Is she mentally incompetent?
You have suffered enough for this woman. Your family has suffered enough. She doesn't have all the votes in what happens to her. Even if she is deemed mentally competent, you don't have to have her live with you and take care of her.
Your health has suffered, and it is only going to get worse.