Our father is 94 was told several years ago to stop driving. Our mother and other family members refuse to intervene even though he can no longer make phones calls, fix a sandwich, etc. We children have taken the vehicle but he managed to reclaim it, doctors reported him to bureau of motor vehicles but all to no avail. What to do?
(https://www.dementiacarecentral.com/caregiverinfo/driving-problems/)
Most have very similar wording, some (very few) are MUCH better about tackling this situation, but I see that MA (where mom was living at the time) says:
"Massachusetts asks drivers to self-report to the Registry of Motor Vehicles if diagnosed with dementia, for a reevaluation."
What idiot came up with THAT idea??? Clearly not someone who has ever dealt with dementia!!! I don't think there are many people, if any, who have been dxed with dementia who would EVER do this!! In their minds, they are just fine! Self-perception regresses, so they think they are as they were years ago. Denial is not just the name of a river. Some, when told by family or doctors that they should not be driving, living alone, or whatever, will maintain they are fine and that you and/or the docs don't know what they are talking about!
Hopefully all states will get a clue and make this process simpler for doctors and family/friends to get unsafe dementia drivers off the roads!
Thankfully no one was hurt. IF I had been aware of the first accident, I might not have enabled her to renew her license. It would have been simple enough - even she was worried the cops would "pull" her license after the recent accident (not likely - perhaps, but usually it isn't enough.)
About this time she was not going far anymore and not driving at night, thankfully. It was mainly local stores, no more than a mile or so. The next indication was the missing plastic on the driver side mirror. Could have been anyone who did this, not just mom, but she was oblivious - "It was there the last time I drove it!" Around the same time we found the inspection sticker expired (many months.) As someone else said, driving is a privilege, not a right. When one no longer can maintain a car in good stead, understand the rules of the road and has no clue how their car was damaged, it is time to reassess!
So, the next, big indication was a call to say she needed help with a flat tire. I brought my tire pump down, and just stood with wonderment at what she had done - the tire was split from the rim to the ground and the metal trim around the wheel well was bent up and away... No idea if she drove it with a flat or hit something, but the rim was also damaged and the rear tire needed replacement too. There were also nice white stripes on both front fenders from scraping against the garage door trim.
I had AAA put the spare on and had it brought to my mechanic to get fixed. Then had chat with YB saying we need to take this away. I do understand that many will say this is their property and we have no business taking it, BUT out of concern for her and anyone she might injure or kill, I would take the chance that she might call someone to intervene!!
YB did all the talking and took the key. Her face was like a 5 yr old who was caught in the cookie jar. I only stood behind him, and on the way out suggested disabling it as I was sure she had another key (he pulled the battery cable.) Next day, who gets the nasty call/message about her key? Me of course. When I returned her call I could honestly say I never touched her key. She was so nasty to me that when she asked who did, I just replied 'You're so smart, YOU figure it out." and hung up. Day 2, an even nastier call demanding that I get down there RIGHT NOW and fix whatever I did to her car. Found the spare, she did! Again I could honestly say I never touched the car (I suggested the "fix", but never touched it!) So she asks what's wrong with it. Now I can say I'm not a mechanic, I don't know what's wrong with it (fib, but necessary.)
At some point we removed it from where she was living and never returned it. She whined. She moaned. She complained. She maintained that she "didn't go far", to which I replied "I don't care if you go 2 feet, if you hit someone you will lose EVERYTHING." Periodically she continued the whining, but eventually that morphed into her saying "The worse decision I ever made was to give up my wheels.", like it was HER idea! Eventually even that went away.
Out of sight, out of mind (and out of access!)
"Kentucky has no laws against driving with dementia specifically but obviously has laws about medical conditions which impact a person’s ability to drive safely. If the Kentucky Medical Review Board receives an unsafe driver report, they will investigate and require documents from a doctor vouching for ability to drive."
You have several gates to this issue:
1) those who enable
2) those who refuse to take action
3) no mention of POAs, but not likely to help in this instance
First and foremost, the car needs to be disabled/removed while working on getting him off the road legally. Clearly relying on this cousin to do the RIGHT thing isn't going to work. Having a really dumb deputy sheriff gums up the works (does your Barney Fife have bullets for his gun????)
If at all possible, try the "borrowing" option and then find a way to disable it. Simple methods would be disconnecting the battery, but he or some unsuspecting friend, neighbor or mechanic would reconnect it, so leave a LARGE blatant note under the hood, if the car remains at the home. It would be great if you could disable it, and plan an "outing" with him driving - then call a tow truck when it won't start and get it out of the yard (you can explain the issue to the driver, out of earshot of dad.) Keep deferring the fix to keep it away, or even better quote some ridiculous amount of money/work that needs to be done. Another option is to have a kill switch installed, someplace where he won't find it. Having this requires extra steps to start the vehicle, which may thwart his attempts to drive, but still allow others to drive him places (so long as he doesn't get to see the steps needed to start it!)
Meanwhile, try to get a copy of the doctor's letter to the DMV. Request he do this again, only specifying how impaired he is medically and stipulating that dad MUST have a driving test, not just an eye test. Taking the license and/or insurance will NOT be enough. Many will continue to drive without it - even convicted drunk drivers who have had their licenses revoked continue to drive and there is no dementia involved! In the meantime, the car MUST be moved to a place where he won't have access to it or disabled in a way he can't fix/get fixed.
Also send certified letters to those "enablers" indicating that if they continue to do this, they could, in effect, be held responsible for your dad injuring or killing himself or someone else. Perhaps enlist the help of an attorney (EC?) to facilitate this. A letter from an attorney might be more useful.
Even with any kind of POA, which it doesn't sound like anyone has, legally the person still has "rights". In some respect, I understand this, but when it comes down to safety for them or others, I really think this is stupid. POA allows you to sign for the person who isn't capable and make some decisions that they cannot reasonably make, but it doesn't allow for taking cars away or making them move.
In your case, it may require seeking legal advice from EC atty about requesting guardianship. The courts will review medical documentation and if needed hire atty for dad and medical experts to make the decisions. Sometimes it can be partial guardianship. This won't be easy or cheap and could take some time, so the first thing is still to find a way to remove his access to a car. Ensure neighbors and friends will NOT loan their cars! If dad has any assets, they should be used to cover the cost , but may have to happen after the decisions are made, esp if you don't have any POA/access to their finances.
My friend's mom at 86 actually hit a young mom pushing a stroller with her 2 kids who were crossing at a crosswalk. That's when they took her license away and she had a lawsuit on her hands. Another woman in my town who was 90, due to cognitive decline, accidentally put her foot on the gas instead of the brake and she drove her car up over a wall and crashed into the playground of a preschool. Luckily the children were still inside the building, but she was hurt. That's when her license was finally taken away.
Get a doctor's note stating that he is not capable of driving. Take away the keys or disable the car. I'm sure that your family does not want to be in any of the situations that I mentioned.
Also, age should not be the major deciding factor in this instance, the dementia is the issue! There are many who can still drive more or less safely at advanced age (I do believe stats show the much younger early drivers are the most unsafe drivers!) However, one should observe any LOs driving capabilities and make decision based on how alert and understanding they are of driving, rules of the road, etc and make decisions accordingly.
For my dad, it took the doctor telling him he could no longer drive and that she would be the first to call the police if she ever heard he was behind the wheel! We handed the car to my brother, since he was in desperate need of a trustworthy vehicle to get to/from work. (He eventually bought the car and the money went into Dad’s account.) Whenever Dad asked about his car, I would remind him how much he was blessing his son by allowing him to use his vehicle. Dad often forgot that the doctor told him that he wasn’t to drive, but we did whatever we could to get him where he needed to be, and let him know how sad we were that this part of his life was past. For men especially, this loss is huge!
My mother-in-law was one of those who drove and had multiple accidents due to her diabetes. She can no longer manage it properly and after many episodes of “near coma” low sugar levels, her brain has suffered. The police apparently became tired of finding her by the side of the road, or driving erratically, or causing accidents. It took the involvement of the police and the DMV to revoke her license and get her off the road. My sister-in-law tried to get the doctor to step in and relay to Mom that she could no longer drive, but the doctor stated that even when he reported to the DMV, his patients would still drive, so it wasn’t something he cared to do. (Not sure that all doctors would feel this way.) My father-in-law was enabling Mom to continue driving up to that point, even so far as giving her directions via cellphone when she was lost, and having her drive him to various activities, due to his narcolepsy.
The “rules” for revoking licenses is different from state to state. In my state, a doctor can send a notice to the DMV or the police can request that a driver’s license be revoked (or that they be tested by a particular facility that handles dementia patients). The family can try to get the loved one off the road, but that doesn’t suspend the license. Removing batteries, removing the vehicle, disengaging something in the engine to keep the person off the road is important. As several stated, a family could easily be liable for an accident in which their loved one was involved.
The most loving thing a family can do—as hard as it is—is take the keys and remove the vehicle from the loved ones’ presence. If the vehicle can’t be moved out, then do something to keep it from being driven. People’s lives are at stake whenever anyone with mental impairment is behind the wheel.
Not everyone wants to be isolated in their home.
My dad has always loved to go for a drive. He would take us 2.5 hours away from home to have breakfast. So no matter what was at home, he would be driving.
As much as we wish at times that we could enforce our will on an elderly loved one it is unrealistic and quite frankly, I think it is unjust to try and control what they do. Unless they are endangering others it is their business if they want to do things that we think are risky. We ALL do things that someone thinks are risky. We have to have a healthy balance when helping our elders.
For the sake of the person with dementia and those who might be harmed or killed by the cognitively impaired, it is imperative that driving be curtailed!
To take someone's ability to drive away is indeed sad, but to have a demented driver kill or maim when it could have been prevented is a tragedy!
Guess you should think about going to talk with your local Sheriff about this. I am sure he can intervene in some way once he has enough proof. God Bless
Many individuals suggested that you disable the car, here is the problem with doing that: I had a client who's family disabled his car by removed the distributor cap so the car would not drive. When the gentleman found out that his car did not start he called for a cab, went to a car dealership and brought a new car. I could not believe that someone actually allowed him to buy a car but they did!
This is a very hard situation to deal with and what works for one individual will not always work for another.
I know someone whose father had dementia and they had detached the battery from his car so that he couldn't use it, but he managed to ask an unsuspecting neighbor to help him and managed to drive out of state until he ran out of gas. They had to initiate a silver alert. When the police found him, he had his cat in the car with him, so animal control had to be called...it was a mess.
If the fear of your dad getting hurt or killed doesn't hold any weight with your mom, maybe you could tell your mother that if she refuses to stop him from driving, she could be financially liable if he were to cause an accident and hurt someone.
I know this is difficult for your dad. Losing that independence and control would be difficult for any of us.
I think a previous poster suggested this and I think it is a great idea of letting your dad's favorite child or grandchild ask to borrow his car and then never returning it. Genius!
We had to take mom's car away. Fortunately she didn't have enough where-withal to call the police or anyone about the car being "missing." Whined, moaned, accused me of taking her key (YB did that), accused me of disabling it when she found the spare key (YB did that on my suggestion) and complained, made excuses, etc, but after a while she gave up the ghost. Eventually she would say the worst thing she did was give up her "wheels", like SHE made that decision!!!
I would fax the script that the MD wrote to the auto insurance company to make the point that your parent should NOT be allowed to drive. That might be enough to make them terminate his insurance.
In the meantime, I agree with the others. The vehicle needs to be taken away!
He never drove again.
A few weeks ago, my wife had a short hospital stay and our daughter was going to drive Grammy to a Dr appointment so I could stay with my wife at the hospital. As our daughter was crossing the yard to get her, Grammy goes tearing out the driveway like Mario Andretti, so she calls us and tells us what's going down. About a half hour later, my wife gets a call from her mom's primary care who's very upset that MiL has driven herself to her appointment. Said, MiL was very proud of herself that she'd given everyone the slip and drove the 15 miles to the Dr's office "only getting turned around a few times".
Upshot was her Dr finally did the paperwork to DMV to have her license pulled, and wrote on a prescription paper her name, "DO NOT DRIVE!" and signed it. We put the keys to her car in a lock box (except the set that our daughter has). Now when she starts up about wanting to drive, we tell her that keys were taken away and show her the prescription for her not to drive. If she continues to protest, we tell her that if her Dr says she can drive, she can have the keys back. And I drive her to the church and store on Sundays.
Now if we can just get her to quit asking what day it is every 2 minutes.
Calling the state police can be helpful IF it is done at a time when your father is driving and can be caught doing so. You're probably not going to be able to do that from your location.
Your focus has to be on convincing the people who are near him to stop enabling him. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this fear and frustration.
No, not really an answer. I will say it was the hardest thing with my mom. Every situation will be different in its solutions.
Mom's car was taken from her in a tricky way. She voluntarily "donated" the car to a family member who was in need. So fo awhile no car and no keys. It was still a fight because she did not want to believe she was not legally able to drive. We found passages of driving law (cherry picked) that supported our claim against her driving. She reluctantly accepted it but wanted to challenge it or get retested.
Te very lucky thing was the car just wasn't available (i.e. far from where we lived). She challenged the idea of her driving off and on for years until she passed. We just continued making up stories mixed in with talks of legality, doctor's rule and common sense.
Hide the car the simplest advice.