So tonight after speaking, in a Gray Rock Mode, to my elderly mother on the phone, I am running out of things to say to her. She lives an hour away from me. I am 62 and work with a 17 year old student daughter at home. Now that my mother can't drive, all she wants to know is when I have days off so she can ask me to drive to her town and chauffeur her around. Tonight she asked me if I have tomorrow off because she needs a litre of milk. Then she proceeds to tell me how she just got home from the hairdressers with a friend and how she had done enough cooking for about a dozen meals for herself. Duh. Could have got that milk somewhere I think. I live in a gated community for over 55s myself in a small home. I can walk to everything I need. I actually do not need a car. In 12 months my daughter will take my car when she goes to university. Hooray. I will be CAR FREE. I have explained this to my mother in the past. She has a second chance to get her licence next week but I feel she might fail again. She has refused to move either in with me or even to my town. So I went ahead and looked after my own and my daughters comfort and bought into this retirement community. She is so nice and polite in front of her friends but over the phone she runs everyone down to me. I am sick and tired of her complaining and denial of her own problems. I am not going to be driving for much longer as I hate driving now and it leaves me nervous and exhausted. She has no regard for my health or feelings. I am determined to be car free. Anyone got advice for the words to use to get through to her that if she fails her licence a second time she is STUCK? And needs to make some grown-up choices about what to do next. No other family live near her and two of her offspring do not see her. She has never been a scholar or a thinker and its got worse with age. p. s. she does not have dementia.
I am assuming ur from the UK. We have Office of Aging here that has senior bussing to appts and shopping. I would think England has stores that deliver groceries. Pharmacies that deliver meds. Mom is going to need to learn to use the resources at her disposal. Yes. set those boundries now.
You will need to set limits and boundaries with your mother. We are expected to do what we agree to do, and , more importantly, what we DO do.
It doesn't matter her regard or lack of for your "feelings". It matters what you say yes to. Tell your mother in a very nice manner that you will not be able to do these things for her. That she can get a place to live where she is taken care of, or avail herself of your offer to move more near, but that other options are out.
As to hoping she passes her license, when it is more than likely better that she no longer drive I will just tell you that it took my brother lying bleeding in the arms of his neighbor having smashed up his head, one palm tree and one refuse container to admit "I knew I shouldn't be driving; I knew something was wrong". Two months later, one month of rehab and one month of selling and moving to ALF, his life was quite changed.
Do let Mom know that you understand that she has problems, but that you do also, and that she should call you when she has good things to say, or the calls will be very short. Then see to it that you stick to it. There is no sense walking about with a "kick me" sign on post-its stuck to our forehead and then complain when the kick is delivered. You need to let people know what you will accept from them and what you will not. That is how life works.
This running out of a litre of milk thing often comes down to beginnings of fear, loneliness, neediness, because as we all know, it's easy to lean across the fence and say "Elmira, are you by any chance heading to the store today? I forgot my milk". Do know also that your Mom moving near you or worse yet in with you is not going to make anything even slightly better, but will be the beginning of an awful, likely decades long, slow slide downward. Reconsider that offer.
I sure wish you luck and hope you'll update us, but you will have to take this in hand before it gets quite OUT of hand.
Shops deliver, there is long-life milk, neighbours to borrow a cup. But the I need milk being code for 'I am lonely or scared'. Yes! Or the manipulative 'While you get the milk, I need *insert here* the week's groceries, booze, chores, this fixed, that done".
Milk. The beginning of the slippery slope 😭
Yes...THIS! Better get used to start setting boundaries NOW. If you have 2 sibs who are already uninvolved, your mother is going to look to YOU as she gets older and needs more help.
Apparently, not having a car of her own and not having you on hand as her chauffeur are not such a problem for her after all. It didn't stop her getting to the hairdresser or having enough supplies to cook a dozen meals. So... what are the problems she is complaining about and denying (presumably not both at the same time)?
Is it that:
a) you want your mother to live within walking distance. She won't budge.
b) you are looking forward to hanging up your car keys and don't want that new freedom to be spoiled?
So that, adding those together:
Your mother wants you to drive to her town to see her and take her out. You don't want to. And then? What about it? When you have no car I don't see how you can fail to win the argument.