After dealing with my own aging parents and now seeing friends dealing with the same issues, I started asking family and friends this question, especially couples. Have they made plans for one or the other dying early? What if one becomes disabled or mentally incapacitated? Have they considered placement in a facility for one or the other? Are they planning to relocate? Have you made your funeral plans known? Do you have all the legal documents completed? Do you have POA, will, MedPOA, DNR? Have you discussed this with your children?
I was shocked to hear that no one, ages 50-60, has made plans other than aging in place and apparently not dying. All are expecting their children to take care of them! Even after all the issues dealing with their parents they don’t seem to consider it might happen to them and what impact it will have on them.
So, I am curious, given all the problems and difficulties people come to this forum with - has this prompted YOU to make these decisions and discussed them with the relevant people?
I am 67, single with no children. I had all my documents updated this year including appointing a young friend as executor. My plans include moving to a senior friendly home/condo within 5 years and vetting AL facilities for the next move. I am also looking into establishing a guardianship relationship so if I become mentally disabled there will be someone to make decisions for me. My will spells out my funeral plans.
We live in a house with 2 full flights of stairs. We can't even get to our kitchen without going up one, or to our cars without going down one. I commented to my hubs at one point that, "The minute one of us has a mobility issue, like knee problem, we're out of this house." He looked at me astonished but I asked him how he thought either of us could manage this scenario: by carrying me on his back up the stairs? He pondered that for a while. He still plays hockey 3x a week and for me it's tennis 3x and the reality is that either one of us is only 1 serious sports injury away from this fact. Planning is necessary and a wise strategy but I'm still also working on having tempered expectations and remaining flexible for whatever comes our way.
Also, my husband insisted for years that having his list of meds (all 15 if them) in his phone was sufficient. It's not. I can't get into his phone and if he's lying inert on a gurney, I want a paper list!!
I finally got it!
I have a Long Term Insurance that costs me dearly each year but I figure it is worth it.
Luckily the house that I found when our old house was no longer "safe" for my Husband (not handicap accessible and would have cost a fortune to adapt it and to make the repairs that were needed.) was built handicap accessible. Roll in shower, ranch home, no carpet, wide halls, wide doorways. Because of this I figure that I can remain here until "they" put a tag on my toe and haul me out feet first.
I am slowly but surely getting rid of "stuff" that I am sure no one wants. Problem is I have to get others to look through the old photos and to take the boxes of forgotten things that belong to them (kids! and their stuff)
A lot of this is what might be called a winter project. Bring a box of stuff up from the basement and go through it and toss most of it. Plan on a box a week. (best laid plans...)
I do have to get my Will done again. Much of it is outdated since my Husband died.
I do have POA for Health selected. I have POA for financial selected.
I do not have a POLST signed by my doctor but my sister (POA for health) is aware of my wishes. POLST will probably get done during my next appointment.
Funeral plans are written out for both POA for Health and the POA for finance.
I will probably look into prepaying that some time in the near future. That way there will be no plans that any one has to decide on and the money will already been taken care of.
Important papers are in a safe and my sister knows the combination.
@ Frances73....might want to also have funeral plans written out someplace else other than the Will. Sometimes the Will is not read until after the funeral. Since you have someone you trust to take care of matters provide them with a copy of the funeral arrangements.
The whole thing took a very short amount of time each time, and I can't understand why people won't don't do this. We only got my folks to get all their affairs in order in 2015, and my dad ended up dying just three years later. It would have been a complete train wreck had we not nagged him into doing it when we did, but instead, when he became ill and Mom already had early dementia, we were able to have them resign from their trust and allow me to take over immediately before either of them died. When Dad passed away just a month later, everything was seamless as I assumed caring for Mom.
The only thing we haven't done is make funeral arrangements. Neither of us really cares what happens to our remains, and my parents didn't either. I had a conversation with my dad about which cemetery he'd like to go to, but otherwise, I took care of everything and it wasn't a big deal. Same went for my mother, and I paid a third of what I paid for Dad, having learned that just cremation doesn't need to go through a fancy mortuary. A pre-paid funeral would have no doubt cost far more than necessary. We have plenty of funds to pay for our funerals when the time comes, and our son will have access to our accounts, so there's no reason to make a big deal about that in our case.
Our youngest daughter died unexpectedly at the age of 41 from a prescription drug interaction. Not that she was ever part of our plan but, I think her bio mom expected her to help.
I would also direct these people to this website and ask them if they really love their offspring why would they ever want to hijack their lives to prop them up? Selfish attitudes are what make adult offspring the plan.
I have all my documents in place. One of my older brothers has my primary POA and the combination to my safe where he can find all the documents and passwords he will need. The successor POAs are younger first cousins with no conflicts of interest. Everything I have left (if there is anything) goes to children's charities.
I have finally reached a point in life where I have no daily caregiving responsibilities - not to my grandparents or the family's children or my parents. I just need to help a dyslexic grand-nephew a bit. I'm still getting accustomed to that after my mother's death 3 months ago. I intend to raise a small garden and enjoy being in the church choir again, join CASA, and travel some (as long as health allows), taking a small travel trailer across the country to visit the people and sites I haven't had the time for previously. Maybe a grand-nephew or niece will join me for some of those trips.
Saved prodigiously for retirement and we are now in the "active retirement" (travel, hobbies) phase. My assets should allow us to self-fund facility care.
Kids know not to expect inheritence or caregiving duties except possibly accompaniment to med appointments when our judgement goes.
Wills, DPOAs and HCPs in place. I am visiting an eldercare attorney next month to discuss whether I need a trust.
There is a great little book called "5 at 55" that explains the 5 dicuments you need to complete at age 55. This includes a list of all your passwords.
B. Move into IL or AL when needed - if affordable! Otherwise, it's back to choice A & struggle on stubbornly!
C. Care home (NH). Make the best of it.
D. Demise
Have ALL paperwork & legal in order within next few years. Would do now but Mr WeDon't NeedToDoThatYetDoWe? Sigh. So next big birthday I will force it.
Zero plans for kids to do for us.
"I was shocked to hear that no one, ages 50-60, have made plans other than aging in place and apparently not dying. All are expecting their children to take care of them! Even after all the issues dealing with their parents they don’t seem to consider it might happen to them and what impact it will have on them." Yup, this is sadly the chronic denial problem (or naivety?) that keeps people creating disasters for themselves and their LOs.