Daughter #3 just moved back home after 6 years living with Doc-Hubby who was working on his residency and fellowship.
I would fly the whole family home once a year. No thanks.
I would drop EVERYTHING and run care for daughter and kids if she was stressed out or sick. Took care of her for 10 days when she was sick with a pregnancy. No 'thanks.' Went back when baby was born for 2 weeks. No 'thanks'. Hotel cost me $1600.
Painted her house in Houston when it was 103 degrees and 90% humidity. No 'thanks'. Actually got screamed at to 'shut up!! for the love of heaven, shut up!' (Ok, yeah, she was stressed out but so was I.)
Had to stay in a hotel and rent a car when she lived in VA. Not allowed to stay at their townhome. But MIL was allowed. (Ouch).
They came home to a great job which was what we'd hoped...and I wondered, "how long before I do something which will make her so mad I get called on the carpet?"
9 days. Her little guy was possibly percolating COVID, so we were back in isolation and lockdown while we waited for the test. All very stressed out.
Last week (2 days after arriving in town) I babysat the 3 kids for 2 days so she and DH could look for a rental home to live in while they save up for a decent down payment.
They found and rented a place. Last night, unable to go anywhere or see anyone (covid test hadn't come back yet) DH and I went to just see where the new place was. Daughter had TOLD me the house was empty. We got there and there obviously were some people there, working on the house. I jumped to the conclusion it was the OWNERS and so I went up and talked (staying 20 feet away) from the man. Oops--no, the TENANTS and a specific clause on the rental agreement to NOT DISTURB THE TENANTS. Which I didn't know about.
Turned out, I knew the guy, he graduated Med School with my SIL. I knew his aunt, I knew the owners! Small world.
I would not have even gotten out of the car if I hadn't seen obvious signs of life--my bad.
So I tell daughter (since I had quite a delightful conversation with the tenant) and she BLOWS UP.
'MOM! BOUNDARIES!! WE MAY LOSE THE HOUSE BECAUSE OF YOU! What were you thinking? Did you just bust in the house?" This back and forth texting goes on for 1/2 hour.
I apologized to the point it just didn't seem sincere anymore. Offered to contact the owners (whom I KNOW) and apologize.
She just kept 'hollering' at me.
I felt so horrible. I cannot make this kid happy, and I know it. I'm her worst trigger, for sure and I know it.
Finally, turned off the phone and went to bed. At 11 pm she texts me that the COVID test was negative, but they were going to take a week off from seeing us. (She's still VERY mad)
She also texted the owner, who thought the whole thing pretty funny. Just said "Hey, this is what moms DO! It's fine".
But---well, it did make me look at myself and realize I have to create a relationship with her and not let her use me and be mean. I made a mistake, apologized to the skies and she kept coming at me---and even tho the owner didn't CARE...she wouldn't let it go.
So now I am in the doghouse.
Just sad and scary that this dynamic is not living here. I want this family here---but I have to be SO CAREFUL.
Pretty soon she'll be on this site complaining about her meddling mom.
Just a rant. I am 64 and thought maybe we'd have til I was 70 before I became the weird annoying parent.
(sigh)
Thanks for your comments--but you must not have read the whole post. That's OK, I do this too. Skim a post and have quick answer--that has already been answered.
I stated a 'problem' and received kind and well thought out advice. Most of the posters and I have developed a relationship of great length---6 years, actually.
Talking to the tenants in residence IS a real estate no-no (my DD and her hubs own 30+ units and they said they asked that the current tenants not ever be disturbed as in some cases, they don't KNOW they're going to be evicted, for example.
I DID over step, and apologized. Just apologized too much.
I think I mentioned that I AM aware of the twists and turns in this relationship and it's high time I treated her like a grown up and I am endeavoring to do so.
As time goes on, the 'power dynamic' shifts. Moms become grandmas and our roles change. If you aren't there yet, well, I cannot explain it.
And actually last night, in exchange for me making them dinner, she and her DH helped DH pick up a bunch of yard supplies that simply don't fit in our cars.
I doubt I will see her for the rest of the week. Learning to have space in our togetherness.
Thank you for your advice. I think we're over the worst.