Follow
Share

Now that you are a caregiver to an elderly parent expect to be under suspicion for all crimes against the elderly imagined by each Tom, Dick and Harriet you have to deal with while making arrangements to manage your parent's life. Every effort to help where the elderly parent can no longer handle it on their own will not only be met with resistance from the parent requiring many long discussions and debates but if you manage to convince them that they should accept the help you will have some ignorant clerk undo your hard earned success by dropping suggestive hints to persuade the parent how they should not trust you. Expect the parent's doctors and no less than the entire hospital's eldercare department to hound you on the phone making inquiries, arranging appointments, making demands that this and that must be done without regard for a practical means to accomplish each task. Nevermind that your elderly parent is routinely abusive towards you. It is your responsibility to take care of them. Forget about taking care of yourself and your own family. You are now a zero in this world. How convenient it is to dump everything on the sucker trying to take care of the ungrateful coot. Expect your siblings to stab you in the back while they find every way to get out of pitching in. Their contribution will be unsolicited advice and criticism. They will not miss the opportunity to use your position as an excuse not to do anything....."Well you are the one with POA, you do it" Really? You mean my having POA means you cannot make a point to check whether a refrigerator door is closed so the food doesn't rot? You cannot tell me whether it looks like the car has been moved (aka driven) since I confiscated the keys because it was too dangerous for him to drive? My having POA prevents you from doing some dishes and straightening up the house? But if I unknowingly do anything that jeopardizes some perk they have their eyes on I'll hear of it. Welcome to caregiving for your elderly parent, you morally corrupt scoundrels!

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

11 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
Michael, I apologize, after going back and rereading your post, perhaps I misunderstood, as I read it thinking that you were coming upon crossroads because you were a Male, and not just a giving caregiver, trying to navigate the system and being penalized for it. You are clearly working with a dementia patient, while I am not, but I do care for a Grumpy old man, who often Showtimes in front of medical personnel, who clearly don't see what I am working with 24/7, and this can make things especially challenging! As Jeannie well put it, I have no evidence or undersanding of other's Family support or lack there of, making matters extremely difficult, and for that, I am sorry, if you don't have that sort of support system. I have been extremely lucky in that aspect, so perhaps I find it difficult to understand. I think I was going by you first sentence of "expect to be under suspicion for all crimes against the elderly ", but I haven't nessasarily found this to be true, but if you have, I am sorry! This is the most difficult job that I have ever had, that's for sure, as it impacts every aspect of my life, from morning to night, my relationship, my family life, extracurricular, everything! Keeping him (my FIL's) life and health running smoothly seems to be my life's purpose at the moment, and for the past 12 years! To say that I'm personally burnt out is an understatement! I wish you success navigating this phase (long freaking phase) we call caregiving! As for Captain pointing out that carrers and aides are undertrained and under paid, I completely agree! I thought of going into the personal caregiving as a profession as a teenager, and I'm so glad I did not as it definitely would have skewed my ability to do it in this phase of my life. I did however go into Healthcare, working as a Medical Assistant, and saw first hand, the difficulties that families faced, caring for their Loved ones, and that was terrifying enough! I wish you good luck navigating these treacherous waters!
(5)
Report
Note to caregivers: Michael is NOT accusing anyone of being morally corrupt
scoundrels. I hope. lol?
(1)
Report
Michael, I appreciate your vent, and your purposefully negative writing style. I thought I understood what you had said.
Then came everyone else's post, and I feel that I just toured the land of oz, barely escaping.
I have no evidence for this, but Jeanne is right, Michael is venting.
(0)
Report
staceyb, are you responding to Michael or to Captain, or are you getting the two mixed up. Michael does not say the problem is with females ("Tom, Dick and Harriet") nor does he suggest (if he is a he) that it is because he is male (if he is).

And, stacey, where is your evidence for this: "Surely you have one family member who will understand your concerns of the situation, and might help you to round up some assistance from them?" That is absolutely true in many families. Thank heavens! But it most assuredly is not a universal law, and sometimes it is not remotely true.

I think Michael is venting.

Now if you were addressing Captain ... well, I think he nails it when he worries about a lack of training and low pay.
(1)
Report
Well I encountered some of what you are saying. But most of the time it was a protective stance in favor of my Mom. I don't know what it is like in the States but here in Canada medical staff which includes, family practitioners, hospitals, rehab facilities, nursing homes.........you name it, have to be convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that your parent is not in their right mind. If they are not convinced you meet with a lot of resistance when they feel like you are going beyond what they consider acceptable when taking charge of your parents welfare. That is even if you have POA.

Once my mother was considered unable to care for herself I found most of the people I dealt with more than helpful. The administrative staff not so much, but the male and female nurses were always going out of their way so I guess you were unlucky Michael. As for my siblings well thats a whole other thread.
(1)
Report
I have 2 brothers, and they were never met with any of the conflicts you are facing. Perhaps some of the blame can be put upon you coming from a dysfunctional family, but to claim that across the board, you will be met with criticism, suspicion, incompetence and rudeness from female health care workers, doctors and staff, just because you are a male caregiver is just wrong, IMHO! Maybe it is your immediate suspicion and approach that is off putting. Now your family dynamics is a whole other deck of cards, that can't be blamed on your being a male, but there obviously is other problems that need to be worked out. I'm sorry if you are being met with obstacles that are difficult, but you are going to need to find a way to work within the system, and that is going to be trial and error, just like the rest of us, women or men. A certain amount of finesse is involved in getting the help that you will need to navigate this caregiving arena, but first, look at how you approach people, as kindness and appreciation, goes a long way! If you are met with disdain or suspicion, speak up, and ask why? Tell them up front, that you are learning your way through this maze, and that you would appreciate their help. You get more bee's with honey! But more than that, be patient! Your siblings sound like A**holes, and it will probably be helpful if you have a family meeting, be honest that you can't do this alone, and kindly ask for help. Surely you have one family member who will understand your concerns of the situation, and might help you to round up some assistance from them? Good luck, but I truly don't think this is just a male thing, it's an adjustment thing, a Huge Adjustment! You are good for taking on this task. Try your best to find help, without prejudging every person who you need help from. Often, it is a communication issue. These are difficult times, and you will need all the help you can get. Try not to alienate the very people who may well be helping you down the line. Good luck!
(2)
Report
a lot of the younger hospice and NH employees have been flash trained and put to work . im glad to see that opportunity for them and the system needs aids . they just need great management to see that their training never ends .
or heres a novel idea . pay them a decent enough wage that you can fire them and have replacements waiting at the door .
(5)
Report
I have encountered some negativity,
always from the few that have never taken
care of their parents!
Lots of nice folks, too.
The nicest are the people like us
who are in the trenches doing the best we can.
(2)
Report
Michael; I have found a useful question " how do you suggest we manage that?". The principle is, bat the ball into the other guy's court.

Being POA is not guardianship. It does not mean that you are responsible for your parent's life, if they are still competent. It means that you are responsible for carrying out THEIR wishes.

Step back. Would your parent be getting better, more consistent care in a facility? That has been our experience. Our facility is not perfect, but it's a d@@n sight better than a bunch of bumbling amateurs (us) trying to care for mom with complex medical conditions.
(4)
Report
if youre a male carer youre going to have an uphill battle resulting in you being suspicious of every female in a position of authority forevermore . youre going to put up with some snide crap that youd knock a man clear off of his chair for saying .
i shouldnt exaggerate . probably only about 10 - 20 percent are smartmouthed and hateful . zero male medical staff will act unprofessional and suspicious towards you .
the women who take their work seriously or as a calling are phenomenal at what they do .
the low hanging ones should be transferred to a factory where they cant insult and hurt people .
(3)
Report
ROFL. I don't have it that bad, but it sounds like you have quite a job.
(2)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter