Please give any tips and experience about moving a widowed and elderly parent. All stories, all angles appreciated. I have to run now, but want to open the topic for advice. thank you-
-She's 93 and somewhat confused most of the time. sometimes she likes the idea, sometimes she doesn't.
-I'm an only child, 56 years old, divorced, with an 11-yr old boy. I simply cannot stretch myself between 2 towns anymore. We are her only family and she need to be near us in her last years.
- I am renovating a house just a few doors away from us where she will live. My goal is to get her here by this Christmas.
- She currently has a daytime and an evening companion. We will set up the same schedule here after the move with new people, but I will be spending a good bit of time with her too.
My biggest challenge at the moment is keeping her excited or at least positive about her new life with us. My father died about 2 1/2 years ago. the first year, she didn't want to consider it. the second year, I had gotten her liking the idea of a nice senior apartment complex near us, but she would miss having her own porch, yard, etc. Last spring a house 2 doors down from me came up for sale and she loved the idea. We decided to make this happen, but the moment it became definite, she started getting cold feet. The situation is actually perfect for her, and her excuses are mostly just excuses because I know she's scared of the change.
There are plenty of pros to this move: a safer, prettier neighborhood, wonderful neighbors, a selection of lovely churches in walking distance, her grandson and me visiting daily, etc etc etc... as well as a few real cons, like finding a new doctor (she loves her old one), the fact that father's grave will still be in the old town (she does not travel well and visiting it probably won't happen any more).
I have solutions for just about all of the potential problems, but we just have to get her here with little trauma.
My biggest concern is her personality. She has always been a martyr, a worrier, negative, reclusive, full of self-pity. (I do love her though it may not sound like it!) I'm concerned that her narrow and negative outlook might affect her physical health before or during the actual move.
I'm looking forward to any and all comments. Thank you-
I need to get started on that process again.
She doesn't travel well and has not come to my town to tour facilities or see this house; it will be a one-way trip when it happens.
I didn't bring up my long story of caregivers that had turned her against me over the years while father was still alive; I got rid of them within the year after he died, but I believe there is still some residual fear and mistrust that they planted in order to move themselves into her will, or at the very least keep their job with her in her town. She's probably still scared that no matter what I tell her I'm going to do, she's going to wind up in one of the bad NHs you hear about on the news. the whole point of getting this lovely house is so that she can be in her home for every day of her life and not have to be transferred to any facility, while still being close to my son and me.
Is the doctor she loves aware of her panic behavior? I wonder if some as-needed medication would be appropriate? Has this ever been discussed? Being mildly sedated for a potentially stressful trip might be better than a full-flown anxiety attack.
When looking for a new doctor in the new location, I suggest a geriatrician. And start looking before the move.
Good luck!
A few years ago I tried to help her organize her calendar, which had about 4 years' worth of obsolete appointments and info clipped to it. (Every year, she transferred old stuff to the new calendar because she was afraid of losing something important). I wanted to sit down with her and go through each thing and clean it up. She started crying, and yelled "I hate you!"- she NEVER yells- and actually tried to hit me, she was like a panicked animal. I am truly worried about the day of the move, even if she's on board the day before. Her memory and POV can change every 15 minutes. I'm seriously wondering if I could have her make the 2 hr trip in an ambulance.
You are doing a great thing for well-thought-out reasons. The plans are in place. Move forward with them. You love Mom, worry-warts and all. Keep that up!