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PamelaSue I am still laughing out loud about your last two comments. Doing a few simple searches reveals that lady is Wiccan & Pagen follower and member. Her dog profile picture is featured onthis site and some wiccan site. She is a huge suppporter of animal rights which I will giver her credit for. Too bad her compassion for animals is not carried over onto this site for caregivers in emotional crisises. How did you know her full Name?
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i will NOT be grateful to the woman who birthed me because the only reason she did birth me was because she did not know how to get a back alley abortion. she spent my childhood abusing me and telling me that i was an accident and that my brother and sister were planned, wanted and loved, and she wished she never had me. soooo TERRI MERRITS,

STUFF IT!

and watch lady, i got my eye on you. i will not let you harm anyone.
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Arkansana, if either of them refuse the home I hope you wash your hands of them and just walk away. Please tell them in advance that you WILL, and then MEAN IT. Your parents are spoiled brats. If your children acted like that you would have spanked their behinds and sent them to their rooms. When my youngest adult son acts spoiled I cut him off of his own money, LOL! (he works, but I have control of his bank account so that I can take out room and board. . . ) Nice, eh? If he disrespects me it's my own fault for not being harsh enough.
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Get the legal stuff (DPA) done NOW if you haven't already.
Check out Board & Cares vs. facilities if it seems appropriate there may be one that would take both of your parents (maybe move Mom there with the excuse that it is temporary in order to get Dad better).
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I really need to read all the posts before commenting. I see you are trying to move them into a facility.....so glad to know this. You will breathe easier and finally have some much needed time to yourself.
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Oh my goodness child, you need to stop for a second and slap yourself into reality. Your parents know nothing else but you caring for them, so they simply expect it. You decided a long time ago that you would take care of everything. And 22 years ago, they probably didn't need for you to do everything. You've heard it before....we teach people how to treat us. Perhaps back then, you had plenty of energy, your health was good, you had a bit of time on your hands. But now, you are plain ole worn out, and your health is suffering. So begs the question...If you were dead, who takes over?

The ladies are correct.....enough is enough! Find your folks a very nice NH or Assisted Living facility. Thoughtful parents wouldn't be letting you run yourself ragged. There they sit all day waiting for you to come to their rescue. Since your Dad is in the hospital now, perhaps it is time to speak to the doctor about having your him go to a facility instead of home. Especially since there is no one capable of taking care of his medical needs.

You must take a step back from this situation and see what it is doing to your mental health. Hey, I know you know.....so spring into action and make those calls. Stop the madness and reclaim your life. BTW.....who will be taking care of you in the future? Did you parents run themselves crazy caring for their parents? When was the last time your parents asked how you were doing, and really meant it? Keep us posted on what you have decided to do. Hugs sweetie.
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sorry people this stuff you are blessed stuff doesn't fly with some of us .keep your religion to yourselves.if god was so good he would not saddle us with this crap.
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Terrim does that mean I should be grateful to my father for molesting as a child. Should I be grateful to my mother for being totally clueless to the molestation because she was too busy having an illicit affair while married to my father and when I did tell her about it years later she would not believe me and said it never happened. This is only the tip of the iceberg! Oh yes, lets all be grateful to our abusive parents, we owe them a debt of gratitude for our childhood tramas and screwing up our lives. People like you and delmys want to make me PUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Oh my goodness, here we go again with being thankful to our parents for birthin' us! Give me a break p.l.e.a.s.e!!!!!!! Oh honey, a lot us HAVE received one day and then some of treatment that would curl your hair. This is the planet Earth where not everyone has or had a Leave It To Beaver upbringing. How about reading some of the other threads on this site and learning about them. Compassion is not only for the elderly, it's for their kids too.
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Delmys- I am an Atheist but except for the religious bits of your post, I find you to be so refreshing. Many here seem to not be grateful for what parents did to bring them in the world and care for them and now want to be mean or ditch them. You sound so sweet and caring, May we all receive one day exactly the same treatment we gave our parents in the hour of their greatest need.
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Andsana, you are going through a difficult time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I believe that you will be blessed for all you have been doing. You are emotionally and physically drained, and you are in need of some TLC yourself, and I believe you will be getting that shortly. It is difficult to love when you are hurting. Things are coming to a head now, and answers are unfolding for you. I am happy for you. You may have been close to being destroyed, and I'm glad you were not. You sound like you are on the mend and I pray that as you go through this transition you find more peace. I would offer that you not dwell on regrets and what could have or should have been. You did what you thought you had to, and realized that it almost killed you to some extent. I thank God you are alive and getting better, and that your parents are finding their place too. God Bless You
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Anksana, I hope you get the word soon that your parents are going to be placed. I don't think you'll last much longer at this pace. The way it sounds, your parents just don't have a clue what they're doing to you. I used to hate it when I got upset at my mom's shenanigans and her response was "just clam down, Mary". It got to where I couldn't stand for her to say my name.
Ok, mom has been gone over two years and where's that hole in the chest I'm supposed to be feeling? The only "hole" I'm seeing is my bank account paying for the lawyer I had to hire to get me out of the legal mess she left me in.
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Thanks, PamelaSue.
Yes, 22 years!! I have blown up many times over the years. Trying to do "Mission Impossible". They don't have Alzheimer's or Dementia. Well possibly my mother does now, but she is still pretty with it for almost 95 years old and my dad is quiet mentally sound to. Except when they give him pain killer meds in the hospital. They are both on the list for a care home now. My dad will going to the first available bed in a facility near where they live now. It may take a couple of months to get placement for mom. They will be in the same facility. She still thinks he's coming home, but he's not. They need way more care than home support can provide. When they are finally placed there home will be cleaned out and sold. Half of the money goes into her account and the other half into his. The only big hitch here, is that if they refuse to go to placement I'm going to be in deeper than I had ever thought possible. If they refuse other arrangements have to be made. It's a one shot deal. No second guessing. My mother should have gone into extended care 15 years ago. She would have been better off for it. We all would have been. I have seen adds for seniors being better off at home. They are, but when it destroys those who must perform all the duties, they are not.
Thanks,
Anksana
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Hi, Thanks Debralee. Many times I feel like I am in emotional and physical quick sand. May sound crazy but that's how it feels. Your right it is complete monopolization of any time I have. I have told my mother that I CANNOT drive after working to a 1 a.m. shift and then after 3.5 hours sleep drive for 4 hours taking care of her needs and running back and forth to the hospital and what ever else.
The last time about 4 days ago I went down after a late shift and almost went through a red light because I don't have the concentration needed. In heavy city traffic... Not a good idea.
In regards to the religious posts. I did not come from a Christian background and a blessed environment. Good for those who have. Tonight I work another 1 a.m. shift and I'm NOT going into the city tomorrow. My home is a mess and I want to start getting things organized for my garden. You'll love this. A while ago when my dad was still at home he didn't want a senior shopping service because " You have to pay them and they wouldn't pick out the tomatoes that he would like". Thanks for listening. I'll give you guys an update in a couple of days.
Thanks, Anksana
Shilaflores... Hugs to you....
My mom just told me to calm down after I told her I hated my life. I told her that I am only ONE person and she needs an army to care for ALL her needs. I had to end the phone call. I just couldn't take any more.
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Delmys, I am glad for you that you can go through this all with love. But it's almost like you are bragging! I think you just want to offer what has worked for you, but it sounded a little harsh. Families are all different. Not every mother was a good mother. My friend's mother knowingly allowed sexual abuse to continue for years. No wonder my friend couldn't care for her with love.
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pamelaaue is so rith 22 years is enough,i don't blame you at all.That is just way to long you go girl and get a life forget them you have paid for 10 fold what any of us is will to do.
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PamelaSue you are soooo right!!! I couldn't have said it better!!
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Anksana, you have been doing this for 22 years?!! I'm shocked it's taken you THIS long to blow up. Your parents live four hours away and expect you to take care of all of their needs? I think that's silly. You never mention that either of them have dementia or Alzheimers? Then it's time for them to figure out how to take care of these things themselves or move into an Assisted Living Facility if they can't handle it. You are not super human, and it's not fair for your parents to be using and abusing you. What our parents did for us as children is not paid back, it is paid forward when we have our own families. They should have set themselves up for old age, and we should be setting ourselves up for old age. It is not your fault that they have chosen to stop driving or not take care of themselves. Step back, take a break, and tell them that they are adults and can set up their own care.
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Delmys, while it's nice that you have a completely different experience than the rest of us, that was unnecessary and unhelpful to the poster. Perhaps you might create a thread of your own to express those thoughts, I'm sure they are others who would join you.
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My heart goes out to you. I don't have any answers for you. People think hiring help solves everything. My parents chose to move 1000 miles away when they retired. I cannot begin to count the times one of my sisters flew to visit and spent a week or more hiring aides, people to clean and others to run errands only to have our parents fire them within a week or two because they weren't needed. I had already been through a similar situation with my grandmother. She couldn't have help because she didn't want anyone to know she lived alone. I don't like to complain about being lucky enough to have a job in this economy but it gets more difficult all the time. Whether you're 20 or 60, you have to prove yourself every day. What I have been trying to do of late is this. I can't do more so I look to do less. I don't mean using a pharmacy that delivers or working with the pharmacy to arrange that all prescriptions are renewal at the same time for a once a month pick up. I mean do they "need" something or do they "want" something? A person needs medication. Grocery shopping is a need unless the person wants to go grocery store several times a week. You have sacrificed much. Have you done this so they would not have to alter their style of living? Are you saving them from harm or from being inconvenienced? Be careful with St. John's wort. If you are taking any medication at all, check for possible interactions. I wish you well.
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I agree with Debralee - you have to set boundaries or you will be the sick one needing help. And if you do have POA like sharon5252 said, just hire home health or outside help out and tell your parents they are to use them for certain things. You can't just run every time they need something. Try to make it once or twice a week and keep a running list. They can call if they need something from the store, but remind them that you won't be picking it up until XX day. If they want it before then and it's not critical, they'll figure out a way. Get their meds delivered at home and try to handle it online. Do whatever it takes to get better control of your time where you can and not let them monopolize everything. Some things can't be helped, but some things can. Good luck!
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My mom lives with me and it is getting unbearable, so I know how it feels. The problem is she has money, but she is so very tight with her money, it isn't funny. She starts off let's make a list. I am not listening, but she pouts like a baby. I am also taking St. John's wort, to calm down. I probably just need a break. I am glad you wrote. Needed to get it off my chest.
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sounds like maybe a low dose of anti depression meds mite help,thats what i take.Do you have a poa?if you do just hire more help then start looking for a home that will take them.So sorry your bummed out,its been one of those weeks for me too.hang in their.By the way what did your mom say to you when you told her that?
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Why do some find the need to comment on posts with religion and views that we gratefully owe our parents. Not everyone has a christian based faith or parents that were kind and wonderful raising their children. Most of the posts I read are looking for more practical earth bound approaches and support. Anksana here is a more practical idea-Tell them they need to get homecare help because you can no longer do it all. Establish your boundaries, do what you can do and offer to help them find a homecare agency. Your parents need to be realistic when it comes to what you can and cannot do. I am in the process of doing that with my very needy codependent mother and it hasn't been easy. My physical and mental health was becoming affected by being used as an easy conveniece. I have established my boundaries and do only what I am able to do. Just waiting for her to make the decision to call the agency I recommended for some of her homecare. She lives independantly and competent to make decisions and can financially afford to pay for in home care.
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When I think of how grateful I'm to have parents. The chores I do for them are like a breeze :) . I'm so thankful to The Lord that I'm able to help my Mom and Dad. Yes, I do feel frustrated some times, but only because I wish they didn't have any sickness , i wish they could enjoy this beautiful life , so I ask the Lord at all times to fill me with peace and to heal my parents.
Just to think about all they did for us as children , waking in the middle of night to see that we were fine, caring for us when we were sick, taking us to school, cleaning and changing , showering us !!! Providing food , clothing. Etc!!!! I guess what I'm trying to say is that we fall very short in comparison to everything they did for us .
I lost my adorable grandmother and miss her so much .
Every Mothers Day I wish I could say : Hi grandmother.
Every Christmass I wish I could say. : Merry Christmas
When my Bday comes, I don't hear her voice anymore.

It's easy to complain , it's hard when they live us .
There is this BIG HOLE in our chest , when we lose a loved one !!!!
Cherish your parents and be thankful to God that you are able to provide for them .

The Lord will bless you with an abundant Everlasting life :)

May God bless us all and gives us peace to love our parents as they deserve the best care .
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I am not a hugger, but I feel like you need one, right now.

I would think that your mother could get her groceries delivered and her meds mailed to her. What would your parents do if you didn't exist? I have said it over and over that taking care of someone often times kills the care taker. It is what happened in my family - and Mother survived. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.
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Thanks to all. My mom has 5 hours of home support everyday, but they don't do any errands like shopping etc. They are only there to make meals and the rest is my responsibility. Their neighbour doesn't do anymore grocery shopping for them because they have had enough of trying to help out. I am so grateful for having there help while it lasted. I don't blame them. As for the St. John Wart I am down to 1/2 a day from 3. It makes me stay calm and better than taking Valium. I have been caring for my parents needs for 22 years now. It has been getting progressively worse over the past 9 years. The travelling takes around 4 hours return trip depending on traffic. I have no other family members that give a damn. My dads brother and wife are always coming and going back from Vegas having a great time but just can't find any time to anti up. I have talked to my aunt and she is a cold non caring person who really doesn't gives a rats butt about anyone accept herself. Sad but true. My uncle has always just had a "touch" of the flu or some ailment preventing him from helping out or visiting my dad in hospital. I just gave up on them and am trying to do what I can. Being an only child is a tough ride. I have many break downs even over little things when I am at home alone. It helps to relieve some stress. I am also very lucky to have 2 wonderful girlfriends that have been down this road and are a bit older than myself. I can call them anytime I need to and they are always there for me and you guys to.
Thank you for caring and caring enough to answer my desperate notes. It means a lot me.
Luv and Hugs,
Anksana-Moon
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If your parents can afford in-home help, make sure they get some. If they cannot afford help, call social services in their county for a needs assessment. They can advise you about what program they might qualify for, including Medicaid.

NancyH is right. They need more help than you alone can provide. Greekgal60 is right, regular time off for the caregiver is essential.

See to your own needs by having some of your parents needs met by others.
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My heart goes out to you, truly. I am in the same predicament except I'm only caring for my 86 yr old mother. Many times(mostly in the last year) I have prayed that God will take her peacefully in her sleep or myself however he wants. In addition to trying to please her, which has become impossible. My mother has become increasingly defensive, verbally abusive, sarcastic and just plain mean to me. I heard somewhere that this happens when they lose their independence and even though you as the primary caretaker are there for their needs, they resent you. Time away for even an hour is mandatory and IF you can get away for a trip by yourself, then you need to do it or your health will decline. (This has been proven as fact)
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Can they not afford to hire outside help? If they just can't swing it financially, do you have other family that will pitch in with some money to hire someone ELSE? I'm not sure you should be eating that stuff like tic tacs though, I wonder if side effects could be exacerbating your situation? If you're strung this tight, then you need someone to come in and help out. If your parents can afford it but are too stingy for whatever reason, then tell them that either they hire someone ELSE, or you're through. Maybe it's time they had a reality check you think?
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