Yep, I told her the other night on the phone. I have had it !!!!!! Between a full time job, travelling to attend to all there needs and trying to keep up, I just snapped.
Today after getting home from work at 1 a.m. I'm back on the road to the hospital again for my dad with his income tax papers. Her groceries, prescriptions and god knows what else. I'm just exhausted and I have a VERY short fuse today. I want her to go to sleep and not wake up or me not to wake up. I taking St. John's Wart like tic tacs to stay calm. She never learned to drive. She has no idea what traffic is like. Especially city traffic. I want to check myself into the local hospital in the psych ward. My parents are KILLING ME !!!!!!!
Somebody just shoot me... Please !!!
Anksana
My heart breaks for you. How awful your mom said those things to you. I just want to scoop up the little girl you were and tell you that you ARE loved and you ARE a precious gift. I say this from my heart as a human being and from a Christian perspective. We're all precious in God's eyes. It's imperfect humans that skew things.
In that vein, I can't stand judgmental people. We are not here to judge, that's up to the Big Guy if I understand correctly. Nothing wrong with sharing your faith, big time wrong beating others up with it like a club. Then it's not faith, just vanity, coming from a PERSON, not God.
I struggle day to day with my own humanity and my relationship with my mother. She was/is a pretty good mom in many ways. I love her. I also understand that there is a whole world of hurt out there from children of mothers that were not so kind or loving. One of my good childhood friends is a victim of that kind of relationship. She will never be "whole" in her mind from that experience, but she knows I love her and it's not her fault she had a crappy mom. It just "is".
I think some find this website and post without thinking or knowing that their experience doesn't reflect the real world.
I know this personally from my experience with my brother. He is out saving the world. I am taking care of my mother, the best I can, without his being here and helping. I've given up on him being here.
It doesn't make me mad at God. He loves us. We're dealing with imperfect people, myself among them. I will be the last to judge.
Wishing you peace and love along the way.
If you want to quote the Bible, let's do: an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
Just as our parents treated us, so we should treat them.
I guaranty you that most caregivers abused from childhood are NOT doing that! Instead, we treat our parents by caring for them and do our darn best at it too despite our abusers Still Abusing us in their old age. I'm not in the mood to tell things that I had to put up to protect my mom from my dad. Unlike her protecting us kids. I'm definitely not doing the eye-for-eye thing. If I did, I would have walked away and let him use her as a punching bag while she remains completely vegetable state and unable to defend herself. I stayed to help my parents due to the Honor Your Father and Mother commandment.
I and my 7 siblings can tell you that our parents did not Love us or Protect us or Hugged us or Encouraged us. We learned fear and deep sadness while so young. I remember praying to God at around 7 or 8 years old asking Him why he made me be born. Shall I treat my parents the way did to us as kids??????
I can't win....... I need a stiff drink.. Anyone want to join me?
Luv Ya,
Anksana-Moon
I don't want a therapist to tell me what I want to hear. I go to my therapists to help me sort things out. I go because I have work to do, it's not about making me feel good in the immediate. Sometimes they tell me things I like, sometimes they tell me things I don't like. It doesn't matter whether or not I like it, all that matters is whether or not it is the truth and does it help me move forward and heal.
Rollo May said, "...the purpose of psychotherapy is to set people free."
My therapist helps me to be a better caregiver without making me feel like a bad person for my limitations.
:/
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
little common sense goes a long ways. or maybe because it takes two more braincells than anyone working here has.
Those who speak of gratitude and heavenly rewards probably have no idea what I'm talking about.
Aksana, I hope you can find placement for parents and that they accept it - 22 years is enough.
I certainly believe you reap what you sow. My dad has a special place in my heart. My mom...not so much. I never even think of heavenly rewards or the like. It's not up to me anyway.
This free site, which includes input from experts, articles, and unlimited access to discussion threads, has a rule against urls except for .org and .gov and references to this site. It's a rule. Even though it is a published rule, many people do it anyway, and a moderator (or moderating program?) removes the references. If there weren't a rule I'm pretty sure the number of websites listed would be much, much higher. Ensuring that all of them are legitimate would be more burdensome that it appears that it would be now.
None of the discussion boards that I've belonged to had moderators that actually checked that every url listed is legitimate. If that is an added service that you think would be valuable, perhaps you'd like to make that suggestion to the site administrator. Unless you can get the rule changed, though, you can expect it to be enforced.
I'm grateful that this site is here, that they keep it running 24/7/365, promptly deal with any system problems, server crashes, needs for expanded storage space, and after-the-fact high-level moderation. I appreciate expert answers to some questions. I appreciate many of the articles (and I think some are pretty worthless) -- it is all definitely worth what I pay for it. :D I try to abide by the rules, and I have also contacted the staff with suggestions.
until they became more and more dependant on me to take care of there needs over the years. It turned into a total juggling act. Work, home, parents. I almost went insane trying to make it all work.
My dad in 07 insisted I take time off of work to help them in their home. I did only to learn it was for him to sit around on his ass and be waited on so he didn't have to care for my mother. Their house must have been 90 degrees at all times and became so unbearable that I just sweated all the time. I would turn down the heat only to be told.. "It's COLD in here". I stayed for 2 weeks until I couldn't take any more and arranged for home support for them. It took a couple of days to make all the phone calls and connect with the right people. A lot of the home workers turned out to be thieves. I reported them but was told it was their word against mine. They lied their way out of situations and were still allowed to keep there jobs. Money went missing, some of moms jewellery including a pearl necklace I had made for her.
I considered installing surveillance cameras to catch them but it would lead to refusal of home support and services. Caught between a rock and a hard place.
My dad is a tyrant and treated a few of them as if they were his own personal slaves. Couldn't cook, couldn't clean, etc. Nothing was going right. Dad didn't want a shopping service because they wouldn't choose the right tomatoes or lettuce and he would have to pay them to shop. So my responsibilities just grew into a catastrophic explosion. I would be so stressed out after the travelling to attend to all their needs that I would have a melt down on the way home. I just hated the thought of going to see them because it would turn into a huge bitching fest of what was SO wrong for them. Then one thing after another and on and on. Now 22 years later, not much has changed except dad has been in hospital for almost 4 months again and is on the list for a care home and mom to. I don't like the thought of my mother being at home alone because she is not safe but she is doing o.k. with more additional hours in place for her care. I'm worn out.... I'll be going in to do her grocery shopping today and whatever else. My mother will always be demanding and bossy but I just say NO!!!! if I can't manage the next task that is expected of me. The facility that they end up in is going to have a terrible time with both of them. God help them. They'll need nerves of steel.
Anksana-Moon
I just thought of this. For mom's 80th bday, I bit the bullet and got her some turquoise jewelry she had been whining for. Her reaction? It's not exactly what I wanted, the earrings aren't the right size, where do you think I'm ever going to wear this? and Absolutely no utterance of a thank you. My sister sent her a small bouquet of flowers and I'm surprised she didn't call the newspaper and have it plastered on the front page. I wish I hadn't even bothered.
I do know that they have rules, it doesn't stop them from chafing or me from complaining about it. And I will continue to complain about it. If they have time to delete it, they have time to check it out.
I don't bother contacting them because I'm sure they don't give a rat's behind, lolz. Most websites don't.
I wish you had a facebook!
I am constantly amazed at how I hear teens and people in their 20's referenced as a "shelfish generation." By my own experience and what I read on here, one of the most shelfish generations in many cases is the elderly.
I am in my early 40's and I am already trying to make plans as to what I will do in regards to my child (an only child too as well as myself) and my care giving situation. I do not want this for my child what I read on here and what I have experienced with my grandparents and now my father-in-law. I simply do not see how any loving parent would want to stress their child out to the point that they feel that death is better than the current life they are living. That is not love, that is narcissism.
Guilt is almost a sign that you're doing a good job. When you feel guilt, do a quick reality check to make sure you have covered the basics, and thrown in a little extra out of love. Then go ahead and take care of yourself.
There are two kinds of guilt.
Real guilt, as in, you are in the wrong. Then fix it. Case closed.
False guilt, this is bad juju. Throw this guilt out!!! You have done nothing wrong, but there are bad tapes in your heard courtesy of a bad mommy or daddy. You are NOT a bad person, you have been harmed by bad parents. DO NOT LISTEN to bad tapes. When those tapes play, turn them off by telling the voices, "YOU LIE! I am a wonderful person, a loving and caring and generous person." You may have to say this many times to kill the bad juju. Keep it up, enlist the help of those who love and know you best.
WE ARE GOOD ! WE ARE AWESOME!! AND DARN IT--- PEOPLE LIKE US!!!! ;0)