I finally decided to come out of lurking. I recently lost my mom (82) and dad (86) in June/July - within 3 1/2 weeks of each other. You all have unknowingly been so important to me as I navigated the past eight months or so. My mom had been in a board and care home with Parkinson's for the past almost two years and my dad lived in an independent living house within an AL "village." Because of Covid, they weren't able to see each other in person for more than a year. Thankfully, that happened in April.
My dad had been declining, but still lived independently with visits from me and a caregiver who came a few times a week for a few hours. Macular degeneration, hallucinations, heart problems, started to get wobbly but wouldn't use a cane, stubborn, etc. He had a stroke in May, spent three weeks in the hospital, had vascular dementia and was "agitated," as they say. Thankfully found a NH for him to go to for rehab for two weeks. While he was there, my mom passed (thankfully, they were able to talk via Skype). We finally secured a room at the memory care unit where he lived, thank goodness. Set it up and he liked it, was able to see their chihuahua, who he was really concerned about. He was starting to become disruptive at MC and I was freaked out worrying that they would kick him out. The stress was incredibly difficult. Sadly, three days later he had another stroke. Enter the blessing of hospice (my mom was also in hospice), and all his kids were able to see him before he passed about 9 days later.
I was the primary caregiver and support system. My siblings were all wonderful and we all did what we could. But during Covid, it made the most sense for me to be the one who would visit dad (I live alone, no kids, worked from home). Three hour drive. Coordinating medical and in-home caregivers (my sister handled my mom's care, thankfully). I'm the oldest and Daddy's girl. So it was incredibly difficult watching him decline, feeling awful that I couldn't make the hallucinations go away (he mostly knew they weren't real until near the end), and feeling awful that he knew he was declining and hated losing control. That said, all siblings know that we did the best we could and in fact did a lot of good things.
The difficulty I'm now having is figuring out "what now." I'm the trustee, so there's still a lot to do there, but by the end of the year all that will be taken care of. I know in my head that I need to go out and make friends, do things, etc. But I have no desire to do anything.
Anyhoo, the fact that they went together is such a beautiful thing. They were married almost 63 years and I know they are together in a wonderful place with their dogs and cats that picked them up at the rainbow bridge.
Sorry for the long post. I felt like I needed to tell my story and thank you all for everything. I'll do my best to help others here as well. Much love and blessings to you.
May The Lord give you strength, comfort and grieving mercies during this new season of your life.
Be kind and patient with yourself, you had 2 very big losses in a short time, it is a shock to the system and takes time to regain your equilibrium.
Warm hug!
What now? We find that despite great sorrow, life goes on. But there is no rule that you have to jump right into something new. Your task now as well as winding up business is to grieve your losses. That takes time and energy. Allow yourself that space. As you adjust and heal you will want to reach out to the world and do more. It will come.