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Spirituality is not about words - it is about doing! Caregiving is hard and sometimes we want to blow our brains out! But, it isn't something we do for the accolades and if that is what any of us is expecting we are dooomed to failure and disappointment. For those of us dealing with the elderly with dementia, we cannot expect them to respond consistently with affirmation and thanks - their brains are not working properly - they don't even know who they are anymore, let alone affirm us at some complex level (if ever they did!). For those of us dealing with the cantakerous senior on their way to being elders with cognitive impairment or the ends stage Alzheimer or anything in between, we have to do what we do because it is right and good and out of love. Love is a choice not an emotion! (As St. Francis said, love is not loved for love's sake!) We can accept our affirmations in the smiles, in their health and well-being, in the small victories and in the knowledge that we are doing what we can as best we can. Mostly, I think, we need to derive our affirmations from the knowledge that we are doing something good and right. Whether we embrace Christianity and Jesus' mission, or other faith traditions, the karma of budahhism, the doing good in this life to ensure our future life of Hindusim, or any other faith tradition or spirituality, it doesn't matter - it all points in the same direction - doing what is right and good to a greater end!

In this very mixed up world where so few care - we are trying beyond trying to care and love for the sake of one poor soul who has lost so much of their life and are now dependent, and in the bigger picture to make this a better world of love and caring. In the end it is not so much about us and what we get out of it, but what we create for a better world (and individual elder) - the more far reaching implications.

It is not fun, it deprives us of a good deal of freedom and peace, it is heartbreaking! But, we live in a cush world today - think about those who gave and cared and nurtured so much in concentration camps, or still today the strife around this world under such extreme circumstances - the stories of those who give and give. What are we called to do? Give to one elderly person in need who may or may not be pleasant?

I am no Polly Anna - I try so hard to keep the big picture in mind (and believe me sometimes I cry real hard about it too!). In the end, I am dedicated to doing the best I can for someone who needs me and my love , my mom, no matter what. It is a commitment. I hope and pray that someday, God will have greener pastures for me. Hope is important!

I think another issue we face is the lack of understanding support and empathy (perhaps why we are all sharing on this blog). It is a lonely feeling, and maybe unless it is a parent and a loved one, folks just can't relate and provide the deeper complex support we need - or the not so deep practical support. I think that the problems with lack of empathic support in our lives confuses our sense of the spirituality behind what we do. In the Christian faith, we are to be Christ to one another, and when that falls short it is yet more disappointing. I am sure other faith traditions can weigh in with their own analogies. It seems thankless and not understood, I have to believe that on a much greater plane, it is right and good! Love one another as I have loved you. Just love for the sake of love and loved ones... the rest will come into focus sometime.
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Hi. Thank you everyone for having this very important discussion.
Before caregiving I HAD a spiritual life: happy, meditating regularly at a temple, going to special gatherings with people in this temple, pursuing my dreams, and always smiling from within. But since my mother moved herself up here from Florida 7 years ago, I hardly know who I am anymore.

The temple moved farther away, and the mother wears me out so much I have no time for any friends at all, and meditation fell out of habit too. When I am with Mom, her bossiness, annoying non-stop yaking, her self centered demands, manipulations, fakey behaviors and so on make me not even willing to smile at stranger. All those traits of spiritual development: inner strength, unshakability, patience, peace, tuned in to one's inner joy, higher thoughts about God, and so on: all drained away over the years. The temple moving just out of reach for me was the tipping point. But I haven't totally given up and find myself coming back to my own joy: even sometimes during the hours with Mom. But I am not close to being my true self until I am not with her. A day or so after being with her I find I like myself again. It's like constantly being wounded, healing and having to experience the wounding over and over again.

The anger and resentment I feel is overwhelming and there is little satisfaction even when Mom tells me she appreciates me. She doesn't realize how she hurts me and is unaware (and not interested in any type of honest talk that might make her look at her imperfect self.) We get along on a superficial level that is created to appease her, and to suppress my own needs. Underneath I am seething with anger, releved only by my occasional relaxed humor, or pretending I am alone, or pretending to have fun, or something as fakey as she is. It sure seems like a no-win situation!

There is no one else to help her. My brother is taking care of Dad. My sister is in need of care givers herself. I'm it. I try to make her have a good time when she is with me, comfort her, get her what she needs, I set my limits, and let her react the way she does. She used to call me Bitch, and really was abusive. Now she knows better. I try the old behavior modification approach and try to fan the flickering flame of love that is left.

I know God and my conscience is observing me, even as I observe myself. For sure I know I have had to experience the old childhood feelings that never were expressed: and I think that this passage was worse than a horrible disease for me. My mother was physically abusive and has Borderline Personality Disorder.
she has many good traits but her annoying habits and lack of awareness of others is very tough to ride with. Plus she is constantly fidgeting and trying to control every detail. I had to laugh last night. She was in in the ER (the day before I go on vacation: how typical). I walked to go to the bathroom and I heard her yelling at someone demanding something. When I return she's in the other mode, the oh I am so cute mode. It's so tiresome and fakey. Makes my tummy turn just to think about it.

Her time on earth for this lifetime will be up soon. I don't know if I'll miss her or not. I 've been saying good bye to her for over 6 or 7 years now. You all know how this is.

Well I'm getting ready to go on my 4 day mini-vacation: just some time with my old friends in a different state and I know I'll feel great as soon my tires hit the road tomorrow.

Happy New Year. Let's keep this thread going as we try to grow from these times.
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PS I rarely state things "succinctly!" As you now know very well!
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I'll try to say my comment as succinctly as possible. First, as "open disclosure," I am not a caregiver. I want one; I need one. Okay, leaving that alone as it is off-topic. I suppose I have to go to the support group of my illness to whom I can vent, grieve, discuss the other side of this site's support, which is fabulous. I keep reading this site and receive great information.
Back to Spirituality: I believe that we are all "...spiritual beings having a human experience;" (Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, 18??). When I became permanently disabled, this belief, and all that it entails, helped me greatly to accept what is, and what may be. It's been 11 years now of my body & mind being "homebound," and for some reason, I'm having more emotional difficulties now. Perhaps because things are changing within; in other words, I am letting go of certain beliefs about my family, expectations of self and others (especially of self! That realm does not belong just to caregivers - guilt and self-denial are universal, no matter the situation.) Therefore, whether care-giver or care-receiver, the most important things I can do are: 1) Relax. Take a breath. 2) make decisions based on my best interests and needs; 3) See a therapist regularly (mine is spiritually and medically degreed, whoever works for you is best!) and most important so that none of you get sick - only do what makes sense for you. Please believe that internal and brain stress are emotionally, spiritually, and physically debilitating. Finally, peruse the internet (look up peruse - it does not mean scan/skim, it means to read very carefully and deeply) for those "spiritual; self-help; religious; positive-thinking", etc. websites that provide what you need inside. Speaking of inside - get outside to relax! Not so easy for me, either. Some days just want to watch tv, sleep, etc. But nature and fresh air - wherever you live - is very close. One tree can make me feel that all is well. Look at it - or a bird or anything - a baby! - closely, feel that "electricity" connection which is for all of us. Breathe. All is well. One way or another, all is well. Thank you for this topic which allowed me to talk about something that helps me so much, and I hope can help you! Please work on releasing guilt, omg. That's the hardest one of all. It doesn't mean you don't ever have to say you're sorry, or that you've changed your perception of things. Say that without guilt, as in you realize you have nothing to feel bad about, because everything is spiritual, and every moment is a learning experience. From "A Course in Miracles (paraphrased): You can choose love or fear, but know this: only Love is Real."
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I know as a bible believer that when mom is gone, I will be glad I did what I could for her. I don't find in the bible that there are special rewards for caregivers; I just know I'm supposed to do this for my mother, and while not necessarily joyful about it, I do it most times without being resentful. Some days are incredibly stressful, and on those days, I frankly pray God will just take her tonight already. The Alzheimer's has made her miserable most of the time, but we do have a laugh together now and again. I'm a decent cook, and she can still enjoy that. We get out in the car and see a relative, which sometimes makes her happy for a bit. That's about as spiritual as it gets for the two of us right now.
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I, for one, am glad this thread was started.
When I worked in elder care, I did feel a great sense of well being (spiritual uplift?) in providing for my clients what they needed, but could no longer do for themselves. One client, in particular, was hard, in many ways, but I learned a great deal from her. I am a "spiritual" person and also, somehow, a born caregiver (or one by the necessity of life's haphazardness.)
I believe that when we are serving our fellow man (or woman) we are actually in the service of God. It's very hard, and sometimes, it's impossible to see any good in what I do for my mother, but for about anybody else on the planet--I'm ready to help.
Parents are without question, the hardest to care for, if you do not have a good strong based mutual respect. My mother is just now, as she is entering into dementia, being truly kind to me. I am really sorry for her, but kind of weirdly happy for me. She's NICE to me for the first real time in my life.

I do feel a little bit sorry for my sibs who have NOT bothered to care for mother, difficult as she is. When she dies, I know I will be fine.

Caring for daddy before he died was one of the greatest blessings I've ever received. That may sound odd, but caring for the one person who loved me unconditionally all his life....it was an honor.

In general, I try to find at least ONE person or activity per day to which to give some service. Selfishly, it makes me feel better.

I once heard this, and liked it: Service is the rent we pay for the space we take up on the earth.
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lindabf - I love the distinction you draw between being a care receiver and a care taker. There can be great satisfaction in giving to someone who receives gracefully and gratefully, but not in giving to someone who expects and demands and is never satisfied.

Each year I make Christmas dinner for my mother, out of the goodness of my heart, because nobody else invites her (or me!) and Christmas Day is an awful time to be stuck home alone, especially if you don't cook. This year I invited my mother's housemate/caregiver and my brother in law (the one married to my sister who died this summer). We got to talking about all the elderly widows in my mother's neighborhood who pester my BIL for help because they have nobody else. I thought how blessed my mother was to have a lovely dinner made for her in her home on Christmas Day, with no effort or expense on her part, plus company to share it with. I know in her place I'd be over the moon with gratitude and pleasure. My mother, not so much. It never occurs to her that "there but for the grace of God" goes she. It would mean so much to me to be able to "surprise and delight" her with a fabulous dinner instead of her just expecting it as her due.

That's what I mean about spirituality. Not necessarily spiritual growth, but at least the opportunity to find meaning in the sacrifice of caregiving. That would make (and does make, with other people) such a huge difference for me. We deprive others of meaning when we expect their gifts as our due.
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This morning, before coming on this forum, I was thinking of heaven.
As I handed my hubs 1/2 c. of yogurt (sharing), he started to fuss. You know, the usual (instead of thank you) he says, "oh, that is too much", and "Are you sure you don't want more?" attempting to be kind? Not one to want a conversation about yogurt this early in the day-or really, if you know me well-don't even talk to me before 4:00 p.m, so I said this to him:
"In heaven, I am sure no one is ever going to be handing you 1/2 cup of yogurt, waiting for you to take it out of their hand while you lay there flat on your back
commenting......" "Well, I have never read it in the bible anyway".
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I can truly say I had a spiritual closeness with my mother when she were living and I still have that same closeness now that he has passed. Until the day she passed she was always so thankful for me and thanked me for everything I did for both her and Dad every time I went to see her, Dad never did understand why I had to go see her and asked why did I go see her. He even blamed me when she died. he blamed me for the bills.. for his problems and everything else he could come up with. My help to him was and now today is never enough. He is very moody today and I asked him" Have you ever seen the look you give your daughter(me) when there is something you think I should have done or the look you give when you are angry for me telling you not to do something? I made a face and he says " I look like that,,, dang what a face?" Yes and it is an ugly face. This ugly dementia and ugly problems he has that continue to go on and on send us farther apart as father and daughter. We have never been close anyways and he has never been close with any other family either. He once blamed things on Mom and now it's me. The spiritual side .. there will never be one between us.. all there is..is darkness. All he sees his doom and gloom and has as early as his 50's. If misery loves company then misery can leave anytime it wants to.
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Something helps me when I'm feeling spiritually downtrodden. There are 10 simple rules that many Native American tribes follow. They are simple and very enlightened. The 6th commandment is important to me when I think about why I am doing this.

Native American Ten Commandments
1. The Earth is our Mother, care for her.
2. Honor all your relations.
3. Open your heart and soul the the Great Spirit.
4. All life is sacred, treat all beings with respect.
5. Take from the Earth what is needed and nothing more.
6. Do what needs to be done for the good of the all.
7. Give constant thanks to the Great Spirit for each new day.
8. Speak the truth: but only of the good in others.
9. Follow the rhythms of nature: rise and retire with the sun.
10. Enjoy life's journey but leave no tracks.
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I can relate to many of your comments. Some days it feels like a thankless job. I just started the caregiving a month ago since I moved my mom closer to me. She's now 92, so I felt the time had come. However, sometimes I question my decision to have moved her closer. There are times when it seems she just wants to pick a fight, Some of that is her personality, but just nastier now that she's older. I liked the part someone said about being self-absorbed. That's when I really lose it because it seems that her world is so small, that that's all she thinks about. It revolves around each and every issue that comes up everyday (tv doesn't work, neighbor makes noise at night, door slams hard outside, etc.). At the same time, she wants to remain fiercely independent, so she gets upset if I set my purse down on the counter, or if I move anything. Then I get lectured on how cruel people can be when they don't realize what it's like being 92. I try to make her remember how she was when her mother was ill, and she shrugs it off. Needless to say, she really wasn't there much for her, and they argued incessantly. So now I have to devote my energy and focus on her, but my life is secondary, I mentioned to her that I was not getting home until 4:00 after getting there around 11:00, and she throws that at my face now whenever she can. So I've decided to set limits on the number of days I visit, and I insisted on getting a caregiver at least once a week, which she didn't think was necessary. She used to get one 4 times a week, but now that I'm around, she felt it was no longer necessary. So bottom line is that my life was taking a drastic change, and I wasn't liking it, so now with the compromise it's better. She's liking the caregiver and I told her it gives her a chance to talk about her stories with someone different, plus she's usually nicer with these people. With me, she feels like she can get away with showing her negative side. Definitely not a rewarding, spiritual experience.
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I am ashamed to say it took me 10 years after her death for me to get over the things my mother said to me when she was suffering with dementia. Her last word to me as I removed a blanket from her bed were a surly, "Fold that up!" and my last words to her were a snarky, "Thanks, Mom; I wouldn't have known to do that if you hadn't told me." She had been a wonderful woman in her younger days but the very qualities that made her wonderful were exaggerated to make her into a ornery elderly person in her 80s. I try to tell my children and my nieces and nephews not to let their parents' criticism get to them as I allowed my poor sick mother's to do to me.
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Carla, don't worry. You didn't open a can of worms. These are feelings I've been dealing with since I arrived. Some of them are very feel bad, so you really can't talk about them in public. I understand what windyridge wrote. We have this obligation whether it be spiritual or because we're the "last man standing" in a situation. The burden can be heavy, particularly dealing with mental illness and dementia.
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And I very much appreciate this thread. Caregiving IS a spiritual practice for me and I so appreciate Carla "opening this can of worms". We won't all be in the same place, but it's such a rich and important discussion. Maybe this "can of worms" will help me be less "fishy" in my caregiving!
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Just read some of this thread. Carla, your last entry kinda sums it up for me. Why are talking about spirituality? The discussion seems to be about resenting the obligation of caregiving our parents. Believe what you want, spirits, gods will, fine. Maybe some get spiritual growth from careing for elders. Don't see it myself.

My folks are still pretty sweet people but it's all still a major pain in the *ss. I'm the last one on earth left to deal with them and I resent that fact and don't like it one bit but there's that obligation thing like the 800 pound gorilla in the room.
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I love the clarity and humility Scaredtaker offered: "I do know that I ended up asking myself a lot of questions I may not have vexed myself with before. Deep spiritual questions about consistency, showing up every day, spirituality and getting to know myself above all else. It has been a sort of maturation into myself and applying these lessons (after I fight them!) to become closer to what I want to develop into."
This is where caregiving keeps bringing me. And I keep not being as perfect and loving and compassionate as I want to be - or as I sometimes tell myself I 'really' am. I too often snap at Mom when she once again has taken off her Depends and not replaced them, resulting in a cleanup. Or when she keeps telling me (for the 10th time) that she can do something herself that I know she can no longer do, while I stand by with a workable solution and a growing head of frustration. But that is not my Best Self. That is my Teacher Self who often seems like a twisted, evil twin, but who is in reality showing me where my next step toward spiritual growth lies -- in developing patience as evidenced in controlling my temper and my tongue, which can be cruel.
There is also a highly broken and dysfunctional brother-in-law living with us and he is even more of a spiritual teacher when I allow it. I have had several months of hard-heartedness toward him and am just now beginning to be willing to try to be kind and compassionate with him, at the same time as I set clear boundaries.
In fact, he has led me to distinguish a couple of terms. When he demands or "takes" care, he is a care taker -- which is based in entitlement. It makes it harder for me to be a care giver -- freely offering help with a loving heart. But that is what I want to be -- a care giver with healthy boundaries. Tough combo to bring about.
My Mom is, at least, a "care receiver/allower" most of the time, appreciating what I do and not expecting much, which leaves me freedom to 'surprise and delight' rather than trying to keep up.
Both of them have helped me see myself more clearly as someone whose self-centeredness is still strong and whose compassion needs to grow a lot. I don't yet know how that squares with my equally strong understanding that God has a life for me that includes more adventure, learning, and interest beyond just this. But I have chosen to trust that whatever I am learning now is a necessary foundation for being the person I want to be in whatever post-caregiving life may await me.
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Wow, JessieBelle - now I'm sorry for your sake that I opened this can of worms. My mother is an avowed atheist. I don't know if that makes it better or worse.
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I am wrestling with spiritual matters today. I moved in with my parents when I was 57. I am about to turn 65 and my life is frozen. My mother has been dying every day all day long since I've been here. All day she lives like it's her last moments on earth. It feels evil, because it is just total self-absorption. She was not a good mother, always neglectful and self absorbed. She did get dinner on the table each night, but otherwise we raised ourselves. She considers herself a Christian woman and spends a lot of time watching TBN. There is a strong philosophy now that all you have to do to go to heaven is believe Jesus is lord and it doesn't matter what else you do. I see that thought as pure spiritual laziness from someone who has been dependent on others their entire lives.

The sad thing is that during all these years where my mother has been dying, she has not been anywhere near death. I think she is dead inside, though. And I don't think she is a good person. I don't think she feels love for anyone, but feels they should show her complete devotion. She seems to dislike me, but knows she needs me to be her servant. She is still dying every day all day long, but I don't know if it will be another year or another 10 years. She doesn't seem to get any gratification from being sick all the time except that no one expects her to do anything. Of course, I can't say anything because I'm terrible if I do. She is my mother, you know.

I really can't believe that she and I are related. If we chose a life before we are born for some reason, I can't imagine why I might have chosen this life.
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I almost wish I hadn't started this thread - some of the responses have me gnashing my teeth, although some are most appreciated (you know who you are).

I do have to respond to a few of the comments, to set the record straight. As to what Ferris1 said, my mother is well aware how I feel. I'm not one to go around with a fake smile and pretend everything is peachy keen. She knows I don't want to take care of her and I devote as little time to it as possible. It doesn't help me to express that to her, and her reaction (indignation and resentment) doesn't help me either. I don't post here because I'm so pent up that I need to vent to total strangers. I post here because the members of this forum are other caregivers, many of whom are in similar situations, and I get understanding and support from them. That's the key thing, not merely the opportunity to vent. The "total strangers" here know me and understand me a lot better than my mother does, or wants to. That's why I talk to them.

As for all the "love your neighbor" advice, I realize I opened the door to that when I started talking about spirituality, but I don't buy into it at all. My code of values is very personal, not centered in the Bible or any religion. We all my be equal in the sight of God, but in my sight, absolutely not. It violates my ethics to devote attention and energy on someone whose behavior and attitudes so affront my personal code of values. That's why this obligate caregiving is such a thorny thing for me. I accept that someone has to do it, but I'm tremendously conflicted about the fact that it has to be me.
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My experience with caregiving my elderly divorced parents (dad in nursing home, mom still living in independent senior living) is that I'm not cut out for it. I end up an angry, internally raging maniac as I deal with selfishness, hostility, lack of planning now shoved onto me because "kids take care of their parents", which they never did, by the way. Manipulation to get their way.

I would confess my anger and feelings to my priest until finally he recommended a book "Toxic Parents" - which was an eye opener and a life line. Hurrah for "spiritual" advise! Now I set boundaries. They hate it, they fight it, but they are the angry ones, not me. I do what I want to do with love, and no to the rest. It is not my problem that they didn't plan for their elder years and thought I would be an open checking account for trips to the casino, rent, etc.

Perhaps if either was the cute, clean, cheerful grandparent in a Norman Rockwell painting - I might feel differently. Not a spiritual, love humanity, good in everyone post, but I just got back from five days of Christmas with them. Holidays bring out the emotion and they replay to me every thing I have done to let them down.
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This is one of the most important and difficult aspects I have in dealing with my BIL, There are days I feel like such a hypocrite. I look at him and say , it's not him that I resent , it's the disease that I resent. Really ! ? So if I 'm true to myself , the answer is no,I do resent this man who changed our lives completely in so many ways, He had to come here 3 years ago and at that time it was because of Alcoholic induced dementia along with all his other disorders (mite add he hasn't had a drink since then) So yeah it isn't everyday I feel this way, but it's realizng how safe my husband and I were financially and secure in a small senior complex now we live in this house with him and all his arrogance and ungratefulness and as to what we gave up for him and now our girls will end up taking care of him. It makes me so tired, but back to the spirituall aspect and feeling so ashamed of my feelings. If you know the right thing to do and you don't do it, then your wrong , so I take care and do all I can with this unnatural smile on my face.
And when I have these feelings I look at him and say ,God bless him, so I pretty much am saying it all day, then sometimes at the end I say and God help me.......and He does and we go on and do the Right Thing
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When I am successful with such situations, it is because I am remembering the teaching "to love one another." I ask myself: "what does that look like? How do I behave if I am following this teaching." It is a challenge to me to apply this in all situations, but eventually, I start to ask blessings for the person causing me these negative feelings. That enables me to continue to act kindly and in a thoughtful and loving way towards them. It changes something in me, if not in them. And it needs reapplication when those negative, angry feelings come back.
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caring for the sick and elderly is a very humbling experience. we don't know how we would act ir behave in the same situation. we have a tendency to over do things. try to treat each person with dignity and respect. give them choice as much as you can...which blouse would you like to wear today...can I help you with that...ask a question and enable them to make a choice.....spiritually, we are called to serve, to love and see God in our neighbour.....all you need to do is wash a person's feet.....it's a liberating experience
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Carla, loving thoughts to you for all the care you have been to so many. This is so hard to be caring for a critical or ungrateful mother. When I cared for my mother, I kept thinking how many times did she change my diapers, feed me meals, buy my clothes, make lunches , drive me to school, etc...for 18 years..and I doubt I thanked her for those things as I was growing up. It helps to see the needy one as disabled mentally or emotionally as well as physically...and important for you to get your nurturing from your support group/ friends and have time off to renew yourself. Caregiving is a demanding work...and your self care is also critical. I hope you find a balance and are appreciating yourself...good self talk..." I did a great job with that meal today...with that shower...etc."
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Some people for whatever circumstances in their lives have made them un-loveable. Feelings are neither good nor bad, feelings just are. Tell your mother how you feel and if she doesn't like it, tough. At least you have gotten that off your chest and you might feel better rather than letting those pent up feelings fester so you tell complete strangers how you are feeling. I am an admirer of Dr. Scott Peck too, and the last thing he would want his patients to do is deny their true feelings. Maybe your mother doesn't like you either...motherhood does not come with "love thy child" guarantees.
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OLDBOB1936 is right on! If we desire true peace in our hearts, we must recognize that God chooses to love us because He is a faithful, loving God. In turn, when we experience His love, we can only pass it on. May we all surrender to His perfect peace. Me included. I need God's love moment by moment.
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What other people, handicapped or not, think about what I might do for them caregiving wise, is, I think, none of my business. I do it for them, for God, and not for me..

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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The circuit may be broken in her - but yours is capable of completing irrespective of her ability to do so. :) Do it for yourself.
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What Jess said "there is much spiritual growth possible even when the spiritual bond to the person is not there. It is spiritual growth inside ourselves" is very deep and relevant.

I think it is also as CWillie says, "I think it is hard to feel positive about the caregiver role if you never get any affirmative feedback".
Also Cwillie makes a good point in allowing things to "be" rather than rationalizing the arguments relating to caregiving value. For example, she mentions how dementia has stolen her mother's ability to see the world outside herself.

To be honest, I believe we are never prepared enough - not to the degree in which we often find ourselves weighing the merit of our contribution. Because, as a caregiver if you have no experience in this role to a tough degree, it is hard to imagine the depth at which we struggle to challenge ourselves for answers. In other words, we have to go through it to go through it. While many books offer some insight, I think it is impossible to know all the situations particular to each person. All of us have different coping skills and varied relationship experiences. I am not totally the person I want to become, so throw that into the mix and it's a tough grind. Maybe that is the lesson. I have no clue.

I do know that I ended up asking myself a lot of questions I may not have vexed myself with before. Deep spiritual questions about consistency, showing up every day, spirituality and getting to know myself above all else. It has been a sort of maturation into myself and applying these lessons (after I fight them!) to become closer to what I want to develop into.

I feel damned if I do or don't when I have to choose between my kids and my parents. Especially around the holidays. It can drop me to bended knee asking what is the best course of action. Divorce can make relationships with our children tought, too so it is not like I am always chosing the best as it were...and then the parents negativity and deep isolation I find myself u against in trying to get them to connect is equally as rough. If I were to be honest, I would say I want to go out to see the northern lights in a freakin teepee in Canada after dog sledding all day and drinking hot cocoa. That is what I would do if I could. But I have to choose and neither feel so hot right now. But the relationships with these people are not what I had hoped and I want to pick the next thing I would or might enjoy - which is what I just shared.

The net effect is knowing what I might like to do one day and can do one day - its planning for things - which I had not really done much of before. And since those relationships are not so good, I can commit to doing the alone if need be.

I would consider this part of spirituality. To myself and how I want to live better in my head and dreams. For a long time even thinking about such folly was off the menu. I am reintroducing the notion that I don't have to live this way forever and that if they should pass before I do, I will know I did the best I could in that moment with what I had. I know there are ties I am heart weary and depressed and I cannot drive myself to be more for the - but I am human and I hurt when they hurt. I know their dreams are tings they seem to have given up on. I cannot rouse them to dream or hope again though I have tried. LIving this with them is hard.

I don't have the answers. Maybe hope and faith is enough. And to live this moment as best I can and not pin it all on SOME DAY because today has got to be good enough. Anything can happen tomorrow.
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This thread reminds me of a dream I had the other day. There was a wounded tiger pacing around with an arrow in its side. It didn't roar, but said meow as it paced. When I woke up I knew that wounded tiger was my spirit. It was no longer fearsome, but meek. I don't think caregiving put the arrow in the tiger, but life altogether did. So many small things happening can make our spirits small and easily controlled. Parents, siblings, spouses, religion, events all work on us so we can never really know our full spiritual self except in dreams, and even then they can be wounded.
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