My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

Yes, my mom has alzheimers and has been living with me for the past 8 months and I was at her trailer for a year everyday before that taking her meals, getting meals on wheels which she refused, taking her to drs appts,etc. My brother was sick and he passed away in feb 2013. He always told me he was leaving money "for mom" since his wife is so stingy she didn't even want him to do that, so he left it all to her and in her hands. The point I am trying to make is that I am totally alone in this, no husband, no children ---only a few friends. I sold my moms trailer and got 7 thousand --only thing she owned and asked my sil if brother had left money for mom and she tells me to use money I got from trailer and her check which is 950 a month and whatever is left she will pay half. Assisted livings start at 3 thousand a month and I cant afford 1 thousand a month.I not only have mom but all this anger to deal with. I have had nothing else to do with sil and wouldn't ask her for a penny. My brother could have put some in a trust for mom. I know they had 800 thousand in bonds,etc and 200,000 of that was my sil. which she put in with my brothers and told me they had an agreement if he died first everything went to her and vice versa. I use moms check for daycare which runs 7 hundred or so a month to have a break. I still have all thisANGER trying to understand why they did this. I have always worked and even helped mom out as much as I could when working--helped mpay for her car, bought her living room furniture,etc. Only option I have is nursing home and she will qualify for Medicaid there. I hate my sil for being so stingy. I used 2 thousand of that 7 thousand from her trailer and have prepaid for funeral. When I mention nursing home to mom, she says well, I took care of you when you were young--talk about guilt trip. Back to sil and asking for financial assist, she says paying for half is what my brother would do if he was here--well hes not here and if he was he would have half of this responsibility also. I could strangle the bitch.

Nice maybe it is time for placement for Mom-if you take action the anger will lessen for you.

Thankyou,but I am mad with family not mom. I don't have the heart to do it yet,but know at some point I may have to since I have no support and my own health problems.

Is there nothing we can do,,,,, My Mother, who never was the most maternal, at least not toward me, in fact she has told me on several occasions, over the course of my life, even when I was a kid, that she didn't really like me much, It would seem that I was too much like my Father, and although she lived with him till the day he died two years ago, I am certain she hated him, as her lot in life, was to make his as miserable as possible,
My Father was wonderful and could make you see the funny side of anything, I vaguely remember being like that as well,
He once said to me laughing "I would hate me as well, if I was half the son of a b she tells me I am everyday" 2 weeks before he died, he finally gave up and came to my house, and said I can't take it anymore,,, Now my Father was a big guy, so the phrase "abuse" would never enter into his vocabulary, especially where my Mother was concerned, How could he admit to the emotional and verbal abuse My mother reaped on him every single day. I think he thought it would make him less of a man, in any event, she had threatened to kill him in his sleep, and he had, had enough, he said he believed her, He came to me and asked if he could move in with us, I told him no problem, its about time. We were in the process of changing our house around to accommodate him, as he still didn't want to just up and leave after 50 years, he said wait for the next outburst, when she attacks me again, and I'll just leave then, His only stipulation was that I had to look out for her, after he left, He was killed in an accident 2 weeks later, When the police called, for a moment I was sure my Mother had killed him,,, Myself, My husband and children miss him every single day,

Now we are left with my Mother, with nobody to vent her never ending rage on, it would seem I have the job, and would like to resign, as I don't ever remember applying for the position.

I can send her into a frenzied rage, which involves screaming hurling profanities, name calling, and on many occasions its in a very public place, It can be for something as little as reminding her she didn't need eggs, it was milk she needed, while standing in the grocery store, She actually seethes, teeth clenched, her face gets beet red, she growls and pants trying to catch her breath between the rants, It really is something to witness, as long as your not the target, You would be surprised at how often it happens,

Its funny though this upsets my stomach to the point I'm physically ill, However when she is telling somebody about my Father, and what a wonderful man he was and how great a relationship they had, and how she misses him and they were never apart in 50 year, blah blah blah, I have to walk away, I can't take it,
We lived with her while our house was being build, 15 years ago for 6 months, It was a completely separate apartment, still she kept letting my dog into her part of the house, and every night getting home from work, I was met with a list of things the dog had done, 5 solid months of constant complaining and threatening, and whining, I finally gave the dog to a friend who had a farm for the duration of our stay with her, Unfortunately the little guy was killed by the coyotes on the farm, before we could get him back, I have never forgiven myself for this, I loved that little dog, My Mother when she found out,said Hm that' s horrible, he probably died thinking you didn't want him, and went on eating her dinner, My Father quietly cried. For this I loved him even more..

So when she is acting out, calling me names phoning me upwards of 20 times a day, with every single crazy thought going through her head, I can tolerate it most days,

When she starts telling people how wonderful she was to my Father and how much they loved each other and how she misses him, and then there are the stories about the little dog, how smart he was, how much she loved him and she wished I had never just given him away like so much trash.... Its all I can do, not to strangle her.

My Mother in Law, was talking about her sister, (whom is very kind, and takes in all the strays more people than animals and gets taken advantage of daily) when she said, "Age doesn't make people mean, gullible or kinder, , it just makes them more of what they already were"

I believe this completely as my Mother was never the kindest person, and now she is truly manipulative aggressive and evil. I think the subtleties of the unkind innuendo, malicious gossip and slightly racial slurs, evade her in her old age, and she has to say exactly what she thinks, and none of it is nice,

My siblings have stopped talking to her, some several years ago, Unfortunately with her manipulations, they have also stopped talking to me as well, I am certain its all the lies she tells, When she says something really hurtful, she doesn't want to be alone in it, so she says "We" "We think your a drunk" "We think your a liar" This "We" used to encompass my Father, now for some reason it encompasses me,

Lately she blames me for anything and everything that ever was and will be wrong with her life, Then the next day, she is all sunshine and light, and wants to buy a house with us and live happily ever after, I have nightmares about it, because once that happens, there is no going back.

She cries at the drop of a hat, and I feel terrible, however I know her and her every mood, usually people mistake the crying for sadness, its not for the most part, just sheer rage.... I managed to get her to the doctors once, where I took a deep breath and ambushed her, telling the doctor some of things she had done and was up to, She looked truly shocked and told the doctor I was fabricating it and laughed and was witty and funny and articulate, I didn't even recognize the woman in the doctors office, How is this possible, how can she turn it off and on, The doctor sent her for some tests and said if they came back negative, they would send her for and early alzheimer test, 3 years later, she has alienated anybody that every cared for or about her, and still she refuses to return to the doctors, saying he said there wasn't a thing wrong with her,

I am at my wits end, We are all she has left, I am so close to throwing in the towel, that the guilt is overwhelming,

Do we have to wait till she does something really really crazy, and loses everybody, before, I can make her see a doctor

The rage is awful. I know what you mean about the look. My mother's face would turn red when she didn't get her way and her eyes would tear over -- not with sadness, but with rage. Thankfully that has died out with time for my mother, but it sounds like your mother has some deep-seated personality problems. I wouldn't blame you at all if you pulled up stakes and moved to a faraway land to get away from her. I don't know if there is really anything that we can do to help a personality like this except to try to ward off the blows while trying to help. Sometimes it helps to let people like this know that you have one step out the door already, so they had better mind their p's and q's. It is not a good way to live, but if they think that you're stuck, they can be quite cruel. I hope you're able to keep a lot of emotional distance and a good bit of physical distance from her. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to right now, but the reverse is true, too. You are in a very difficult situation.

My heart goes out to all of you. All I can add is don't let guilt keep you in an abusive situation. I'm thinking of CrazyTalk here when I say that Social Services should take over making sure her mother gets care. Someone that mentally ill needs professional attention.

The idea that this elder can dominate your life and load you with guilt is terrible beyond words. This ruins lives. I have huge sympathy for anyone who is mentally ill, and I'm assuming that anyone who acts like this must be mentally ill, but it's not okay to destroy the family.

Do what you must to take care of yourselves - all of you in this position. I'm so happy to see how you support each other in this community.
Carol

Could someone please advise me also. My sister died in an accident when she and I were in our 20s and mom has been divorced and always angry at my father and talked about how sorry he was. I have had the emotional burden of her being angry and being her companion early on. I married early and have been divorced since then--no children and brother passed last year.
I am entirely alone no emotional support,etc. I have had mom with me for 9 months now with Alzheimers and when I mention nursing home, she states well, I looked after you when you were little. Talk about guilt---I don't know what to do. I am 62 with heart problems and she is not too much trouble, but does have poor toileting habits and when I take toilet tissue , she gets mad. I have to monitor bms etc and can not leave her alone. I guess I will do this until I drop dead or whatever. I cannot use assisted living because she nor My brother left her well off and stated he was leaving 160 thousand for mom---Now talk about anger.---I have it and could KILL her and Him for not putting money in trust for mom. I think she coerced brother but cant prove it.

Letter above skipped the part about it was my sisterinlaw who brother left all money in her control---don't understand. I have helped my mom out financially all her life. I worked as nurse and bought her furniture, dentures ect. All I can figure is his wife who ifeel in narcissistic, and very controlling coerced brother. It is a catch 22. You live your life for your parent or put them in NH and live with guilt. What to do?

I'm so glad to hear I am not alone. I am 55 and I am taking care of my 82 year old mother because she refuses to take care of herself. We were told by her doctor that she must be supervised because she stops taking her blood pressure medication and eats nothing but sweets. I have never liked the person my mother is. She is very self-centered, never worked for more than a few days and was admittedly mean to me while I was growing up. She is so negative it really gets on my nerves. She is even worse to my husband and talks terrible about him even though she is living off of us. She has no where to go .

I for one am the caregiver of my 83 yr old mom. My son moved in because she needs an extra eye at night. I believe I may be in caregiver burn-out. I have been going nearly every day for 2 years straight. At first it wasn't so bad but now as the progression of this disease is starting to take over, I feel myself losing more and more patience. My mom is a retired school teacher and a very highly respected woman in our community. I do not know what year mom is living in? The constant repeating and OCD behaviors are wearing me down. She rips paper, cuts boxes and throw away containers in little pieces, counts her pens and markers on a daily basis.She drops crumbs all over the house and we now have mice and ants. Both which she says she has NEVER had. hahah. Blames my son for everything. He is 20 years old. Her entire pleasant personality is gone towards me. If she asks me a question and I answer, the response is always, "how do you know"? I am positive she knows something is wrong with her, but we were advised by her doctors to never tell her that she has Alzheimers.I know that I need a support group but I am embarassed to go. Mom refuses to take a bath while I am there. Washing her hair is a nightmare, she only wants to eat sweets and drink coffee. I guess I am just plain exhausted!!!

Mom came to live with us about a year ago. She was malnourished, dehydrated, and a little out of it. She had been abusing oxycodone and xanax for years. She can't be left alone because she has blackouts due to a blood pressure issue and neuropathy. She is taking coumadin which has to be monitored on a regular basis. She has been seen by an internist, cardiologist, plastic surgeon (skin cancer). We have installed a chair lift. She wasn't using the seat belt as we requested, she fell out the chair this past February because she hadn't put the belt on, fractured her shoulder, I took her to emergency for that, 2 days later I was taking her to an orthopedic specialist for the shoulder and she fell in the garage and fractured her hip. She had hip replacement surgery and the shoulder took time to heal on its own. She was in a nursing facility for about 1 month. She just had all her teeth pulled and we are in the process of getting plates.

It just seems to be an endless cycle of one doctor after another. She is not content. As I stated before, I care for her full time with the exception of one morning a week when I check in at the office. Most of my work can be done at home. She hovers over me continually. Conversations are 90% negative, about her health issues, things that happened 50 years ago. I've tried to shut those topics down and told her most of what she was complaining were decisions and situations she chose to be in... I've heard the same stories over and over. I am now telling her when she starts up with one... "I know, you told me that." Or, "I know, I lived through that too - remember, I was there." If she's not complaining about the past, it is: her bowels, not sleeping, her skin, her clothes, her food... and on and on and on. I told her once to let me know if something was right, that would be refreshing to hear... just once.

Thanks for listening, I just felt like I was going to explode this morning.

You guys are not alone. They can drive us crazy at times. A lot of the craziness for myself is due to a nagging feeling of guilt. I need to do four things at once. I need to do my own work, I need to keep my mother company, I need to trim the hedges, and man, the kitchen is looking dirty. Many times I end up doing nothing at all because there is so much. I get addled.

My mother's talk is usually confusion and self absorption, but her mind is not well. At one time she wasn't such a nice person, so we don't have that great a relationship to build on. She tries more now and I know she needs me. I let her talk and if it isn't important, I don't correct her. I've heard all the stories a hundred times, but I let her tell them. And yes, I feel antsy, but it is because of the other three things that I need to be doing. She isn't doing anything wrong and pretty soon she won't be able to tell these stories.

In the last five years I've learned that how I feel depends so much on the way I look at things. I still get very angry when she does things to upset my apple cart, but the little things don't bother me like they once did. I'm not able to be as nice as some of the carers on the group are, but I have gotten expert at tuning my mother out when needed. That helps me a lot in caring for myself.

Need a laugh? My mother, 85 with light dementia, rings a cow bell when she wants me to come to her room. Do you know what I want to do to that freaking cow bell. Especially when the rings are for: take my tray, pick up that speck off the floor, hand me the remote, what you doing, and scratch my back. I know how plantation staff must have felt. The bell was only to be used for emergency situations. The rings come at any and I say any time of day or night Once the bell was rung 12 times in one hour. Suggestion never allow a bell of any sort near them. I start to salivate now every time I hear that bell ring.

I have been caring for my grandmother since July. She lives with my mom, so we split the time we care for her. I also care for my 2 year old son and I am pregnant. I hate to even type this, but some days I just can't stand being around her. EVERYTHING she does annoys me. I used to look forward to spending time with her and we were very close. I just miss the person she used to be. It is also frustrating because it seems like some of the things she does are on purpose. I am so happy I found this thread to read that there are so many people that are having the same feelings I am.

I am the only child and 54 years of age. I lost my beloved father a few years ago. Prior to his death I was responsible for he and my mother during there illnesses. I was always able to handle everything such as the cooking, cleaning, shopping, giving them medicine, taking them to the doctor's and just everything. Now I am worn out and not in good health myself. My mother's health has declined even more since the death of my father and she really needs to be in a Nursing Home. I once handled taking care of my mother with great grace but now I am just angry, respentful and worn out with the day to day care of my mother. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and I once felt if I lose my mother I would die, but some days I am just so worn out. The resources in my area are limited and I do not want people to know the truth about what I am having to endure with looking after my mother as I continue to work daily. Pray for me.

You are not alone worn out. I am 63 and get so angry and frustrated some days and wonder what I did to deserve having responsibility of mom with alzheimers and only sibling left all money to his wife.i could use some for sitters. I helped mom all thru my life, bought furniture for her home, helped okay for used car etc. she raised us 3 kids on. Her own since divorced and father deserted us. I just don't understand except his narcissistic greedy wife talked him into it. I have limited income and no family,NONE. I cry some days because I don't want to put her in nh. She gets 1000 month soc sec and no assets

My mom is LITERALLY driving me crazy. I've been admitted twice to a behavioral health hospital and just can't do it anymore. I'm seriously considering moving out of state and let my two brothers deal with her. I feel so guilty to leave her as I'm the only daughter and I'm the eldest with two brothers. I may seldom have major depression and am on disability for it. I lost my career of 25 years after trying to care for my mother and work full time. I'm resentful, angry, and broke trying to take care of her. I'm so at my wits end.

Riots ga, sounds like you need to place her in nursing home. I know you hate to do it. Some days I am ready, then just can't do it,because I know they will not look after mom like I do. It is a dilemma but I am all alone and may have to before long. If our moms were I their right mind,they would not want us to suffer.i feel your pain and emotional h*ll. I am depressed myself. Please get help. You can go and visit her, think of it like you are going to her home to help,only it will be 24 hour help in nursing home.

worout55, it sounds like your mother needs another place to live because giving her 24/7 care by yourself is killing you as it kills many caregivers who are 24/7. When the pain of what you are dealing with becomes greater than the shame of people knowing what you are dealing with, I believe you will then find the help needed to have your mother placed in a nursing home. You are not alone in your pain and their is no shame in asking for help. Get past the shame and get help.

nicenurse, you gave Riotsga very good advice. You do not have to deal with the care of your mother alone. You have been a wonderful daughter to her down through the years. Her alzheimers, as you know, is only going to get worse which will increase your anger, frustration and depression. Since she has nothing working on getting her on medicaid which some nursing homes will take and get her into one. It is not humanly possible for one person to give someone with alzheimers continued 24/7 care. Save yourself before it is too late for you and your mom ends up in a nursing home by default anyway.

My husband and I are taking care of his parents. His mother is 82 and His father as Alzheimer. Use to live with them. Now we got a RV. Every time my husband has to go to the store. He has to take his mother and his dad. Or his dad His father always rush out of the store. And we weren't finish shopping. When my husband comes home. He is in a bad mood. And we get in to a little fight. I cant talk to him.

Be glad there are two of you .one of you can go to store and other stay at home with them.i take care of mom alone and stuck here unless I get friend or pay someone

My mom is 90 and moved in with us 8 months ago. I never dreamed how exhausted, frustrated, resentful, tired and trapped I feel. I love my mom very much, but most of the time I feel distant from her and just plain angry at how she relies on me for absolutely everything, but has no clue whatsoever that she is doing so. I am astounded by her lack of insight into how this has all impacted my life. I'm reaching out to all of you with pleas of a way forward. I know, I need to take care of myself, but right now, it's just one more thing to do on my very long list of things to do (for my mother). My husband is incredibly supportive, but I have to wonder what he really things. I sound so negative. I am a positive person generally. Oh gosh, I'm just at my wit's end.

My mom is 90 and moved in with us 8 months ago. I never dreamed how exhausted, frustrated, resentful, tired and trapped I feel. I love my mom very much, but most of the time I feel distant from her and just plain angry at how she relies on me for absolutely everything, but has no clue whatsoever that she is doing so. I am astounded by her lack of insight into how this has all impacted my life. I'm reaching out to all of you with pleas of a way forward. I know, I need to take care of myself, but right now, it's just one more thing to do on my very long list of things to do (for my mother). My husband is incredibly supportive, but I have to wonder what he really things. I sound so negative. I am a positive person generally. Oh gosh, I'm just at my wit's end.

I know what you mean, justme. My mother tells me I do nothing for her, though I do everything for her. If I mention the things I do for her, she just says that I would have done it for myself, anyway, so it wasn't anything extra. In her mind she is no trouble at all. She really isn't that much trouble if you don't consider things like she has to have bottled water and certain grocery items that can be bought only at particular stores. Or that getting her trash near the can is close enough. Or that we live in a house that is too big and cluttered for me to clean unless I quit working.

Wouldn't it feel great to just be appreciated, justme? That would go a long way.

Dear Jazzy1,
I'm sorry, I posted my first post on your discussion, not realizing that I should have been commenting on your initial post. I am new on this site, and just getting the hang of it. Thank you for understanding. And, JessieBelle, thank you so much for commenting on my post. I really do appreciate it and it's nice to know I am not alone on this difficult journey.

My mom is 87, and my dad is 90. My mom especially is losing her memory. The doctor said it is because how her many meds interact with each other. It's driving me crazy on the days I visit her. I really feel sorry for her, she knows she forgets everything. Then I feel guilty sometimes on how I feel. It is so frusting

My mom is 87, and my dad is 90. My mom especially is losing her memory. The doctor said it is because how her many meds interact with each other. It's driving me crazy on the days I visit her. I really feel sorry for her, she knows she forgets everything. Then I feel guilty sometimes on how I feel. It is so frusting

Hi all, We recently lost my Dad. He was both saint and devil. The devil part was the creation of the monster that is my Mom. She is adorable and spoiled. Unfortunately the latter (courtesy of Daddy) is the more prevalent persona. She insists on living in the house that my dad bought and fixed up for them - alone. Physically handicapped and health not at it's best at 81 is a recipe for disaster. My sisters and I have taken on the caregiver roll as promised to Dad. Mom is picky beyond repair, judgmental to an extreme, and has several lacking ADL's. Doing for her is a pleasure were it not for the drama and constant critiquing. Mom is of course the center of the universe. This is still early in the game and we are tired already. The love that her daughters have for her is her biggest asset. It is a shame that so often she completely misses that. Thank goodness that we have each other to lean on and vent. The oldest of us has medical issues now that are certainly related - per a doctor - to the stress adopted by being most available and responsive for/to Mom. Much effort has been put into finding services to assist in the daily living requirements. There will never be any facility or additional assistance. The former due to money and the latter is due to the insistence that no one is to be permitted in her house. "Rock and a hard place" scenario. I am sure that there are some opportunities in my town to support our caregiving stress, the biggest issue is time. All of us girls are self-employed so to speak. This includes brand new career, resume an old one, and trying to keep head above the water in the current career. What we need is a miracle to broaden mom's life - give her something to do besides clean and watch TV. My dad was her world for 6 decades. I will find some kind of support group – probably co-dependency to learn a better way to assist, help and thrive. Fitting it into a schedule already compromised will be the key. Thanks for letting me share.

I work in healthcare and care take for a narcissistic, demanding mother. Sometime I just feel so depressed. Too many multiple demands... I am so exhausted and feel like no one understands.... Very had time right now. Feel guilty that I can't even enjoy her time secondary to being treated like a slave.