My husband passed away on November 11, 2018. He had been in a skilled nursing facility for the time covered by Medicare in our state, and was authorized for Medi-Cal just 5 days before passing. We brought him home into Hospice just 26 hours before he took his final breaths. He was surrounded by family and his best friend and his passing was peaceful. The six months prior to this are a horrible memory filled with violence, deep dementia, exhaustion and such sadness. I am now in a spouse's Hospice group and will go into one on one counseling after the 7-week program. I cannot begin to thank the hospice program here and the wonderful people on AgingCare who listened to my rants and offered advice and caring words of comfort to me for the past two years as my husband rapidly declined into frontal-temporal lobe dementia.
My need now is to remember the happy times, to remember my husband as he was, and not as he was at the end. But there is a memory of him sitting in the dining room of the skilled nursing facility. He smiled his old beautiful blue-eyed dimpled smile as he saw me, and as I sat down he placed his frail arm around my shoulders, hugged me to him and whispered, "I really missed you." My tears rolled down my face and less than one month later he was gone. I do not miss the exhaustion or the constant work of caring for him by myself at home, but I miss the handsome funny talented man he was. I miss our life and I am sad. For any of you who do lose your loved one, I recommend two books: "Permission to Mourn", by Tom Zuba and "Healing After Loss", by Martha W. Hickman. I know how hard it is for all of you, but please try to take care of yourselves as you deal with the hundreds of challenges you are facing every day. Be kind to yourselves, and be forgiving to everyone in this journey.
I, too, am lucky to have a handsome, blue-eyed, funny and talented husband whom I love dearly. He makes jokes all the time, a lot of them at my expense, but they are really funny and I love them. Years ago, I kept a log of all his funny jokes so I could remember and read them later. Unfortunately, the log was in my computer that I no longer have. I really should start writing them down, in my journals, along with other memorable things that my my kids say and do. Soon, they will grow up and be out of the house. Memories are all we will have left after our loved ones are gone.
Take care of yourself and the precious memories of your husband.
My Memory Library
Imagine if I was given one moment,
just a single slice of my past.
I could hold it close forever,
and that moment would always last.
I'd put the moment in a safe,
within my heart's abode.
I could open it when I wanted,
and only I would know the code.
I could choose a time of laughing,
a time of happiness and fun.
I could choose a time that tried me
through everything I've done.
I sat and thought about what moment
would always make me smile.
One that would always push me
to walk that extra mile.
If I'm feeling sad and low,
if I'm struggling with what to do,
I can go and open my little safe
and watch my moment through.
There are moments I can think of
that would lift my spirits every time.
The moments when you picked me up,
when the road was hard to climb.
For me to only pick one moment
to cherish, save and keep
is proving really difficult,
as I've gathered up a heap!
I've dug deep inside my heart,
found the safe and looked inside
There was room for lots of moments;
in fact, hundreds if I tried.
I'm building my own little library,
embedded in my heart,
for all the moments spent with you
before you had to part.
I can open it up whenever I like,
pick a moment and watch it through,
My little library acts as a promise
I'll never ever forget you.
Sarah Blackstone
And I don't think it will ever be easy for you, especially the spouse who lived with him all those years. But my dad passed last April and after pushing a year now, it has become somewhat more tolerable and I am able to smile and laugh when thinking about him again. And I do think over time, it will in some way become more bearable for you.