I am the caregiver for my 88 year old mom who has diabetes, macular degeneration, heart disease - you name it, honey, she's got it. I'm single and I moved back home to care for her and dad before he died. I love my mom, and I do my best for her, but I am so tired of being treated like an only child by my siblings. My brother and sister rarely call or come over. If I plan far enough in advance my sister will take mom to the doctor, but then she acts like she's an authority on mom's health issues while at the doctor, when she really isn't. She also thinks mom can go to the mall and run around afterward, which she's not able to do. My brother is useless - would it break his back to mow the yard? They are both married but they have no children, and my brother is retired so he has time on his hands. I complained about this once and my sister said I had chosen my life, and it wasn't her fault. True enough, but again it's HER mom too. I'm not sure I even know what my question is, I'm just so tired of handling this all alone. I find myself wishing my mom would die, just so I could have my life back. Then I feel awful for thinking such things. It's been nearly 10 years of this, and I am at the end of my rope. I have lost touch with all my friends and haven't had a date in 8 years. I just feel so alone, and I resent my siblings so much that when mom does die, I really have no intention of keeping in touch with them. I'm sorry for rambling, I just needed to vent.
Try and get some rest (I know, easier said than done!). Before mom had her colon resection, I was waking up at least twice a night having to change her ostomy bag. At times, I had to run home from work! At the time, I was 5 min. away but, it's exhausting -- physically and mentally. It's the weekend. Try and catch a nap or sleep in a little. Wish I could help!
Like you, I just recently found this site. I jump around on the various discussions. I used to think My situation was bad. Ha! It's Nothing compared to A lot of these people here! I'm just soooo glad I don't have toxic siblings.
When I feel down and depress, I go to "Gross Out and Need to Vent" discussion to remind me that I have it much easier than some people. I learn things on this thread even though it doesn't apply to me (or will eventually.)
The other thread that I like to go to is "Caregiver...How are YOU doing?"
All I can say is you must be one very strong person and loyal person. May I know why your mom needs care? Well, if you ever need to vent, please stop by and vent!!! Take care..
LH, I won't be staying long enough on this site when you're about to come in soon. So just wanted to let you know that I guess with your situation, it's best to separate yourself from siblings. I just read another thread on it and I was thinking of you. Later....
Mary..so glad that your mom finally accepted that you will no longer be there for her. That you will be going back home. That she knows she's not ready to be by herself longterm. Do what you can while you're there. If you have to go, then your brother can help. But, I would prefer that he does it now since he flew in just for your mom. Because there's no guaranty he will fly back for your mom again.
If we don't hear from you soon, then we know that you're on the road to go back home. Travel safely!!! Hugs from all of us. And make sure you take care of yourself and your fam.
I had to drop off stuff to my bro again. I just dropped and left. He said nothing and neither did I and I don't care. He tried to call my mom yesterday but, she obviously was not there and he didn't ask and she didn't say where she was. I can tell that she's had enough too. She said, if they ask I'll tell otherwise, they don't have to know.
Thanks for asking and all of the kindness and support.
Yes, both yesterday and today I , in person, told the NH that I would not be in the house when Mom came home - told both Social Workers that I was leaving town and gave my new address. One sibling was also present yesterday. Gave them money for a cab for Mom to get home, gave them Mom's checkbook and housekeys. ..............
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I also talked with Mom face to face today. She already knew I was going to leave. She was not happy. Called me names, told me I was a liar, said "I hope you are happy now", Then she said "get out and never come back". As I was leaving the room I said " I love you, goodbye" and she shouted "Bullshit". Not a great way to end this. If Mom was confused or suffering from dementia, I would accept the namecalling as part of the program. But every professional says she is competent and clearheaded.....................
I have been here in Moms house for 2 1/2 years, we have helped each other - yes, she has been very kind and good to me - and, she has been very mean to me. So I am sorry I am doing this. But I am leaving tomorrow.......
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I have learned thru this site that there is a difference between giving by choice (even if you feel it is a lousy choice) and being forced to do something you cannot do. I am in my 50's, you would think I had already learned that lesson...............
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The NH is trying to help Mom set up in-home services. Mom has agreed to Meals on Wheels (there is lots of food in the house already.). She is not really cooperating/making decisions for her in-home care. Probably expected me to break down and give in...............
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I hope she can stay home. I hope the in-home care works. I want her to be happy and comfortable. But not at my expense. The house is clean, stocked, and completely ready for her to come home. It is hurricane season down here so there is plenty of stuff. Lifeline is paid up...................
So, yes, I leave this town tomorrow to drive to Nashville, I will probably cry a little more.......I have put in a change of address, went to the bank, social security and have a call in to my doctor down here , even took care of my magazine subscriptions......... My family is looking forward to me being back- I swear, even the dog is excited.
No, I really didn't get the play on words, sorry. I am not sleeping and just not the sharpest tack in the box right now. Now, after you explain it.............really need to get some sleep. Thanks :)
You are definitely not alone. I, too, am sole caregiver for my 87 year old mother who has Dementia and COPD. I have a brother who lives about 5 hours from us (I live with my mother and care for her in her home) and this brother and his wife are both in total denial. At first I was writing emails to my brother to make him aware of mom's health issues and our financial concerns. My sister-in-law became so angry with me that she blocked me from emailing them. Shortly after, my brother called me and screamed into my ear not to involve his wife...to leave her out of it!!! Well, as a result I feel resentful and hurt that they do not wish to help me. After all, my mother raised my brother and me sacrificing many luxuries so especially my brother could go to a good college and live off campus all expenses paid. He would not be where he is today (an economist making a mint and an author whose books bring royalties). Like Ed stated earlier, I am a Christian and am trying to forgive them for their ignorance. I am told I will be rewarded for doing God's work and that provision will come for me when all of this is over. My brother has not visited my mom in 5 years and calls her only on special occasions. Our funds here are very limited and I am trying to do what I can for my mom myself. I pray with God's help I can stay physically and mentally healthy although this caregiving is a very lonely job. God bless you, Barbs. This site is filled with very compassionate caregivers with great advice. I find it even more helpful than the caregiving support group I was attending at a library once a month.
And, as we all know, when we talk with family members about the struggles and strains of this job, they sometimes act as tho we are 'whining". My siblings have been doing that for over a year. Acted as tho I was being dramatic. Making a mountain out of a molehill - even tho they do not live here, and most visit for a few days every year or two. They have always thought that by talking to Mom on the phone each week is sufficient input.
"Whining" is what it was called when I made my feelings or needs known within my family. My late husband told me that he considered my crying to be blackmail.....so I learned to suck it up and just ignore my own feelings. For almost 50 years my life was "suck it up and stop crying". Recipe for lifelong depression, huh.
I had/have treatment, both medical and therapy, and am so much better, so much happier with myself, but in my family, expressing my needs still not really appreciated. So I call my needs and wants "whining".
Again, I hope I didn't offend anyone. Make anyone feel small or unimportant or feel that somehow I was ridiculing the hard work and struggles.........
As you can see, we have so much stress in our lives, that funnies are very much appreciated. Know what I mean? Please don't feel bad that you cannot contribute your "whine" of the day... 8-)
I wrote my siblings, told them the current issues, and asked them to step in and help me - get me out of the caregiving thing AND helping me avoid telling my mother than I don't want to help her anymore.
Eldest brother called Mom last night and said that she will look into alternatives to going home with me as caregiver.
Another sibling is hoping to get to town today to have a sitdown with Mom.
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I told them I just don't want to have to tell Mom that I don't want to take care of her anymore.
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So, I am very grateful, and have nothing to whine about today. Today is a good day for me, but sadly, a bad day for my mother.
You know the frustration part - I get it!!! When dad was still walking, it's like a major struggle to get him to his annual checkup (needs to get his high blood pressure prescription refill). We make appts, then I take leave from work, call the taxi (I need to stay home with bedriddn mom), and He Refuses To Go! Sigh...
Same applies with his toothaches! He has several but he just absolutely refuses to go to the dentist. He would rather bear the pain than go to the dentist. He gives all kinds of excuses. He just won't leave the house.
Boy, LH, you're already tired of the arguing and fighting and it hasn't even started yet! You have a looooong road to go. Anyway, you must make sure your mom goes. Because once they stay home all the time, they will Never Want to leave the house. Eventually, this will also apply to any of your brother's future parties!!! So, make sure she goes!!! When she does go, see if you can follow up with the AD people on how she did, or enjoyed herself, etc...I guess it's like what a parent does when they have a child and gets feedback with their teacher...but in reversal. You need to know how your mom is doing at AD so that you can make it enjoyable for her.
Let me know your thoughts on the book. As I said, I had to put it down at times as it was just upsetting me more because in a perfect world, it would be just like it says in the book!
I just found out the one sister who shows up about once a month to take mom out to eat is on her third vacation this Summer. She is always telling me she's soooooo busy! Not too busy to go on vacation! I haven't been on vacation since April 2011. And that was for 4 days for my 50th birthday.
So how are you all doing?
Paid caregiver came yesterday...my 19yr old niece said that paid caregiver was so bored, she went on a cleaning spree. Heck, our house is so messy. She actually cleaned out our kitchen ...wow, I can actually see more of the floor! She swept the place, cleaned up our dining table and got rid of the boxes all over the floor. (Trash company requires that we tear up the boxes. I usually do that on Sundays.) She even, cleaned our front porch of trash thrown there by visitors (and I never got around to cleaning their mess). She wanted to go out and cut our grass that is growing too close to the house!! But she couldn't find the machete. We - as in the island - do tend to have snake problem. So you always want to keep the grass, vines, etc...away from the house. Anyway, let's see how long she lasts!
Later, have to clean mom's trache...it's now 10:45pm.