I found this article to be really interesting.
Written by, Rachael Bernstein LMFT, MSEd
It’s too long of an article to list everything. So, I am going to highlight the most relevant aspects that I feel fits in regards to caregiving.
Feelings of guilt
When you say “Yes” you may avoid having feelings of guilt. If you are prone to feeling a high level of guilt and feel as if you’re responsible for everything, then you will worry about feeling guilty if you say “No.”
You feel as if you are letting people down. You don’t know if you can live with yourself if you say “No.” You fear hearing the words, “We thought we could count on you.” So you say “Yes” to avoid hearing these words.
Family Influence
Saying “Yes” is related to the behavioral conditioning you went through while growing up. You learned to become a ‘people pleaser’ and never to say “No” to anyone in authority.
Lack of Energy
You might say “Yes” because you don’t have the energy to say “No.” If you have been neglected, abused or pushed to the brink, you are depleted of your energy. You may be so exhausted that you cannot handle being questioned, having to defend or justify your position or having someone upset with you.
Responsible
You often feel responsible for other people’s emotions. If you say “No” to someone and they become angry, you feel responsible for their anger. You will then do whatever will make things right to avoid “making them angry” again.
Integrity
Manipulators use the word “integrity” often. They expect you to be open to anything and say “Yes” to everything. Ironically, people who are manipulative do not have any integrity themselves.
Conditional Relationship
You sense that the relationship that you have is conditional rather than unconditional. You are afraid to say “No” to test the waters. You say “Yes” to please them. You are afraid to say “No” to set firm boundaries.
Dependent Personality
You are afraid of someone detaching from you if you say “No” You say “Yes” so you won’t feel abandoned.
Rescue Hero
You have found that it feels good to jump in and be the rescue hero, a savior by agreeing to do something. This is internally driven motivation. Controlling people love when people are motivated by thinking they are doing the ‘right thing’ because they don’t have to work so hard to coerce you to serve them.
Fear Of The Unknown
Saying “No” places you in the realm of the unknown. Some people will gravitate towards the familiar rather than opening the door up to the unknown. So they continue to agree and say “Yes” to others.
Reliance
You have either told yourself or others have told you that you are the only one that can do this job. So you may feel as if everything will fall apart if you say “No.”
Sadly, some of the things listed rang a bell for me.
If speaking about being a caregiver for a LO, nobody asked me. I already lived w/ our mom (and dad bfore he died) but not as a CG for them. They were both in good health, 100% independent. After moms hospital fiasco she needed care&my sister assumed it was my responsibility. Nice huh?
Often more than one reason is involved when people say yes.
People who claim to "do the right thing" or "take the high road" so that they can "sleep at night" or "look themselves in the mirror." Those are pat answers, and I bet many people never realize why they are really saying yes.
It is interesting that some of our brains are wired a certain way to become susceptible to these things.
I do say no.. but I think I need to read, read & read again.
Someone I am supporting just will not say no. It puzzles me to say the least!
I see so many threads also where posters ask a question or vent their tale as if there wasn't a *no* option at al all. Saying Yes to avoiding saying No..? Looking at the movitvation behind this is very illuminating.
I see a lot of people struggling on this forum. I have been there too.
My hope is that people will see this thread and know that there is no judgement and that they will see that there are valid reasons why they have struggled.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family certainly affects us.
My DH always tells me I say “ Yes “ too often to please people .
He’s right .
It is interesting.
No judgement from me about people who struggle with “Yes” and “No” because all of us have lived different lives and we process things individually.
I had my struggles and I had plenty of reasons as to why I struggled.
NO is a complete sentence. Period.