I would like to hear from those of you who chose not to be a primary caregiver. Explain why you made this decision and why you feel it is the right choice for you.
Please chime in if you did try caregiving in your home or moved into their home and later stopped being a caregiver or if you are a current caregiver and considering making other arrangements for them.
This is not an inquiry about why you are a caregiver in your home. Although, you could start a separate thread for that if you like.
I do understand that in certain situations a person does not have the opportunity at the present time to place their loved one in a facility, even though they may like to.
I realize that some people do not have the resources for an assisted living facility or have not yet applied or in the process of applying for Medicaid for a nursing home. I have also heard that not everyone is even eligible for Medicaid. Some people have to become wards of the state. It can be a time consuming process to prepare for placement.
There are some posters that feel that adult children are solely responsible for being caregivers to their aging loved ones.
So, I think a post that addresses this topic may be of interest to our readers and we can learn from each other’s viewpoints. Hopefully, we will support one another as well.
I certainly respect any and all caregivers, no matter what choices they have made. This post is not meant to upset or offend anyone. Blessings to all of you. 💗
Great responses!
Most of you know that I did try caring for my mom in my home. It wasn’t the right solution for me. I had to find out the hard way. Siblings can complicate matters as well. So, if I can spare others from reliving my pain I feel like it is worth a discussion.
This discussion also helps me to realize that I am not alone in how I feel. I thank all of you so very much. You have helped me more than you know. Hugs! 💗
And I couldn't imagine living in a house where the temp would be at 82 degrees year round. I prefer the temps to be one step away from snow. Who wants to live in a hot flash 24 hours a day.
Oh I helped with the logistical things that needed to be done, and that in itself was stressful enough. I wanted to scream if I saw one more doctor's waiting room or fill out another set of paperwork. I hated driving my parent's car [yes, it was my father's Oldsmobile], it got to a point of major panic attacks which I still have years later.
My parents never needed to care for their own parents as they lived far away. Thus, my folks had zero idea how tough it was. My Dad's parent's had my Dad's brothers, their wives, and a gaggle of driving age children. Big difference when there are 15 people helping vs just me.
I am obviously raising my family. Our house isn’t big enough to bring in another person. My kids would have to switch rooms & my daughter and mom would have to share the bigger room. I have thought about that but it wouldn’t be fair to my kids especially my daughter. Both of my kids play sports and it is quite a time commitment, they have practice 2-4 nights a week and games on the weekend. We would have to give that up.
It would mean putting life on hold and putting my parents first and I will not do that. My husband and children come first. My parents didn’t raise to me think I owe them something. I kind of wish they did because maybe they wouldn’t feel obligated to pay my bum of a brother to help out around the house! He’s lived there 15 years and hasn’t worked but 1 year in his life, they’ve provided full financial support this whole time....and my parents pay him to do things like paint a room and fix the fence! So yes I do not feel I owe it to my parents. They raised me to self efficient and they have always said they don’t want to be a burden. They have never once said their children owe them, never thrown it in our faces all the things they did for us and how they raised us.
I also don’t have the patience for it. I will never deny that. I just don’t. It’s not in my blood. I don’t like repeating myself. I’m always in a hurry. And I need my space! I could not bring one or both of them here. After about 2 days of company, I’ve had enough and I need my space and I need my regular routine. So I could not handle having my parents here full time. Not gonna happen.
If they lived near by, I would absolutely help them. I would have no problem running errands, cleaning the house and making dinner once or twice a week. I wish they did live nearby so I could help them and not throw it in their faces the way my brother does.
She spent large periods of my youth in bed. I asked her at 10 if she was dying. At 16 I taught myself to cook and spent every day cleaning the house. I was striving for some sense of normalcy.
At least she bought a LTC policy. That will expire in June. She is in AL. I try to advocate as best I can with her health issues. I feel I have done more for her as a daughter than she did as a parent.
She is very overweight which is only exacerbating all her health issues. At times I can feel as though I could lose my mind when thinking about how her health or lack of it will play out. So I have to mentally detach. I still try to get her to doctors she needs to see. I moved up an appointment with the eye doctor at her insistence. Then because she is having chronic back pain she wanted to cancel it. I insisted she go as it is not that easy to get these appointments. There was no change in her eyesight from 6 months ago. I truly feel as though she never knows best. There have been times I wish I was never born but I try to get a positive perspective.
I would guess those were all enough reasons although there are countless more.
Hopefully, your post doesn't turn into a hate-fest where martyrs come out to tell us why we're 'horrible' and 'wrong' and 'going to hell' for not honoring our parents the way the bible tells us to. Let's hope.
Nobody can walk in anybody else's shoes to feel our 'whys' ......some parents are sweet & kind & easy to care for, while others are the polar opposite. That's 'why', in a nutshell, methinks.
As always your posts are on point and genuine.
There are many reasons why people simply cannot care for their parents. I certainly understand yours!
It’s true that nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. I don’t blame you for keeping the door closed to your heart. There is no need to reopen wounds.
I’m so sorry these things happened to you. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment or abuse.
It is not a matter of forgiving them. It is a matter of not forgetting what they did and ever putting myself in the position of being the brunt of it again.
I had a brief in person conversation with my Dad in October. It was enough to trigger me and make me realize that any amount of time spent with him is too much.
My mother is not allowed in my house. When I was going through an incredibly ugly separation and divorce 5.5 years ago, I found out she was going through my mail and possessions, taking things she felt I did not deserve, listening to my answering machine and reporting to my ex what she knew about my finances. There was far more to it. She knew what my ex had left, had a conversation with him about him getting the kids and the house and her supporting him in that before ever thinking to check if I was ok.
I am Mum's POA for everything, but nothing would convince me to provide any degree of hands on care, daily check ins etc.
I am not a bad person, but the way my parents have treated me throughout my life you would think I was a monster. They were pillars of the community, nobody knew what it was like at home.
We were taught early in life that we were each responsible for our own financial lives. Our parents' led by example and prepared for their old age.
Thus, when it was clear mom could no longer live alone, we found a good Independent Living facility. After a stroke, she needed Nursing Home level care.